Relationships  Discussion Forum

i think by now u know my prob very well...my mil wish is to stay in a joint family ....we dont hv any prob..only thing is space ...that too is not an issue till my other 2 bil decides to get mrrd which will happen in a yera or 2...n the palce we stay is a rented one...not our own...we hv money we can afford a house but max 1bhk...which will atleast cost us 20 to 25 lacs...little loan if we apply for it is possible ...that too is not an issue we can cleasr that loan within 5 or max 8 years...
but if we go acc to my mil we hv to buy 4bhk...each bro gets 1 bdrm..n in the hall or kithcne my mil n sil will manage...anyways one day my sil will get mrrd...
my mils...plan is right now 3 bros are working...ok...max earning is of my dh n i hv one more bil..who is studing ..she is banking on him..coz he will make a very good career..if he gets a good job i am sure he will be the maxi eaning mebr of the fmaily...
this 4 bhk will cost us atleast 50 to 60 lacs...which is a huge amount for us..her plan is that either my husband or my elder bil should take a loan ..n with the help of 4 earning s she is run the house n clear the loan too...eg..2 bro' s earning will go in clearing loan ..n other 2 will run the house...
if we do this al lthe earning will go in clearing loan n hosue expenses what abotu saiving ? what about childrens future n marriage? n clearing that 50 ..60 lacs will take comlete 20 years....byt eh time we clear that loan we will be 50 years old....all the life i will be earning if i hv to think about my childrens futer..
i still dont wnat to seperate ..i can manage joint family...n i love ...as i hv always said...it has pros n cons but nuclear family too hv...
i hv no prob with nay other member of the famliy...my mil had told my sill all this b4 mrrg..but from the day she got mrrd her biggest dream is to stay seprate..she herself has told htis to my mil several fights....in front of every1...she said she doesnt want any1 from the famlily...
now all of a sudden my sil came with this idea...of leaving us behind shocked me..i was taken aback..
my sil wont take any financila help from any1 ..any bros coz she says if i take help from them 2mrw they may clami share in my house...which is not an issue at all...
i am too consufese as to y she said all this to me? is she trying to read my mind?
worst come to worst even if they go ..its a good thing for me..i am not in loss....i can def manage...
there is some kind of khichdi cooking in her mind...i will gv u in writing that she wont take the entire family with her ..no way...she is not the one who can live in joint family..she is too independent...she hates cooking ...if u tell her to boil water she wont do it...she will make face...u can see her from her face how all the time she is irritated in our presense...
anyways last night i had a talk with my husband ..i told him..for 2 years wihtout any compalin i took all the harassment ...torture of ur mother..i never comlained..about a single thing to u or to any1...i did my best to keep ur family 2gether...if they leave me 2mrw alone...it will hurt me very badly...when they were in need of house for my bil...when he got mrrd they came to us..now whn they hv a house they are leaving us in this rented house all alone...2mrw my sil harasses yr mother (which she will purposely do it ....so that they run away...) n u tell me to take ur mother back ...my doors are closed for her 4ever....u hv to choose tbwn ur mother n wife...my dh was shocked ...he is still in shokc about what i said...i dont htink ia m wrong...enough of kicks ...now its my time ....
i think my sil has come up with a new idea...she wants me to say no ...that i wont go n live with my sil....by doing this my mil will get hurt ..n all out community will say see this girl ddnt wanted to stay in joint family...n after taking all of them she will harass wver1 so much ...that my mil ..n fil...they all hv huge ego probs they will leave her house on their own..agian community wil say my in laws left the hosue on theri own..
this way her name wont get spoiled ...
i think her mind is working too much..
i am upset about what she said n the she said...it made very cleasr that she doenst want me...it doesnt make any diff..but it hurt me..coz i supported her a lot..at home...

ur are absolutely ...now onwards i wont interfere with her...at all....i hv got a reason now..she will obviously realise this...that i felt bad.. Namita replied. Hi, gg, hope by now u r fine ... thts wht i was wondering where did u disappear ... so this was the reason

chill down:) .. take a deep breath and smile at yourself

Ritika, have expalined eveything bt still i want to say some more

U felt bad abt. ur SIL' s behaviour -infact u didnt felt bad for her behaviour but u were hurt bcoz in all this u never imagined tht she vl live seperately when u had to suffer so much

According to u ur SIL is playing game - no she is write in mentioning to you about the Share of house etc. ... bcoz she have also suffered in this house n even she feels tht she shud live happily with her husband ever ... may b she is clearing her mind out or may b it is to inform u tht she wont take anyone(not particularly u) ... she is absolutely right in this

u spoke to ur husabdn to choose any one - fine, now u say sorry to him to bother him ... bt tell him that one day this will happen bcoz u cant take more .. ask him to analyse how much u have suffered and ask to see how his brohter hve taken decision ... this is a good chance u have to make ur husband realise to stay sperately

i had given u one suggetion few days back .. u can take a 1 room kitchen or 1bhk nearby this house and tell ur MIL, INFORM HER NOT ASK OR TAKE PERMISSION FROM HER ... tell her that 4bhk is not atall possible let other BIL think on it till then u vl take this ... take loan on ur husbands name so that his money vl b saved which actually goes in ur MIL' s hands .. n give her the reason of tax benefit

first of all cool down gg replied. exactly ...actually ...i dont know what to say about why i got upset...even i dont know..but thanks for all ur help..lets see..whatever happens happends for the best...i really liked what u said sometimes when things don' t happen according to our plan..it is happening according to God' s plan.
hope i dont lose anything ...i will keep reading ur replies till i come back to normal..thanks ritika..sss...dd for replies... Ritika replied. Hi gg,

I realize you are very upset right now and feel that you have been wronged.

My thoughts on your post...

1) This entire plan of the 4bhk house, nowhere do I hear that any of the 4 brothers or their wives want it wholeheartedly. All the while you are saying that it is your MIL who has been planning and scheming and forcing others.

So basically nobody' s input has been taken in this unilateral \" decision\" by your MIL which to be frank has been up there for god knows how long.

2) Joint family. You like living in it. Your SIL does not. I don' t think her buying a house for just her immediate family is a vote against you..I think a lot of us out there would be totally unprepared for so much family dynamics every day of the week. And would want to escape it ASAP.

You said that you have done a lot for her in the past 2 yrs. Do you want to go back and read your old posts where you thanked her for giving you courage to stand up to yr MIL or to find out how to manage your marital relationship with yr hubby?

I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason...I am personally going through a very bad patch right now...but I believe that sometimes when things don' t happen according to our plan..it is happening according to God' s plan.

You did a lot for your SIL. From your own accounts it seems as if your SIL also did a lot for you - intentionally or unintentionally.

3) For 2 yrs, you suffered from your MIL. Is that your SIL' s fault? or is it your BIL' s fault ( I remember reading that he cried and defended you in fron tof his mom when you rown husband would not stand up for you)?

You say that you want to keep your family together. But at what cost?? Your MIL also doesn' t understand. Keeping 15 people together by emotional blackmail is not keeping family together. It is keeping 15 people physically together zabardasti under one roof. It does not guarantee happiness. If people want to stay together, then its fine. But if somebody is clearly not happy in this setup, then why do you want to force them??

You feel hurt because your BIL and SIL did not include you,your hubby and child in their equation. The shock is understandable and I can feel your hurt from across all these far flung miles... *hugz* Its like your best friend suddenly told you that she' s moving to Australia forever and seems pretty happy at the thought. All you can think of is how much you' ll miss her and how can she even be so happy being away from you...and all she can think of is how much opportunity and dreams await her in the new land...I am not saying that yr SIL is yr best friend..but this was the closest association I could find to explain to you that there are always 2 sides to a story.

4) Have you asked yourself what YOU want? really want? Not just what your MIL wants or what you think the community expects of you...but what you really and truly inside your heart want? Forget your SIL for a moment.

Nowhere in your post do I hear that \" this is what I want and that is why I am trying to do it\" . All I' m hearing is what your MIL wants, what your SIL wants and how your life has become a reaction to everything that others do to you.

Stop for a moment and think. People (even those who love us) do not always agree with us. Your own children will grow up, get married etc. Everybody will have their independent life. Life is not always a \" hum saath saath hain\" video, however much we like it to be...

You need to respect other people' s feelings too in whether they want to live in a joint family or not.

Gg, if you were my younger sister, I would give her the same advice...so don' t take me otherwise...and pls listen to me carefully. It is NOT your BIL' s or SIL' s fault that you suffered from your MIL. So why say that they should not leave you alone tomorrow?

If there is anybody for whom you have sacrificed, it is for your husband and for his love. If there is anybody who owes you anything in this whole business, it is either your husband or your MIL. Nobody else owes you anything.

So many times we say it for romantic love. But it is true for other relationships too. You should not try to contain somebody by squeezing them in your hand. Just like sand, their love will go away. If you keep your hand free, then you will manage to keep and hold the most important thing in your life, the reciprocal love of people whom you love.

I hope you understand what I' m trying to say.

5) Your fight with your husband. You backed him into a corner..are asking him to choose between wife and mother..all for what? So that he can convince his brother not to leave?

You are doing a lot of emotional blackmail here...and are getting way too involved in a decision that is not yours to begin with.

The reason I' m saying this is because if you and your husband decided tomorrow to buy a 2 bhk house and stay separately, it is totally your decision. And NOBODY should interfere in it. It is not your SIL' s business to come and play the martyr and say that you cannot do it because of so and so reason.

6) Lastly, stop worrying about the community at large so much. On what they will say and what they will not say.

95% of them live in nuclear families, so they won' t say much anyways.

I' m again sorry if some of my words hurt you..take care...and i hope your tension becomes less by each day... Dd replied. I know how much it hurts.
my bil' s angagement had lasted for one and half year that time my il' s were staying far away as fil was working and also my dh was working some place else away form here so i looked after bil & sil at that time eventhough they were elder to me. I prepared early lunch by 7.30 in the morning, for my bil for 2 years as he was working in the city 100 kms away & was doing up-down by train. During that time whenever my co-sil came to stay for few dyas, to give them the privacy i used to go out with friends. she herself said that she was getting bored at home when me & bil at work so she wants to do whole cooking & I agreed. Lateron immediatly after their weeding we(me & my dh) went to overseas. When we came to visit for few weeks after 2 yrs. half time i stayed at my paernt' s place & half time at my il' s aplce that time i used to help in household work whenever required. so when be went back she(devrani) complained to my mil, that bhabhi was not doing any work in the house & was doing it only when u were present in the house. the problem i had was that i am fast & she is very slow she takes longer to do the chores so instead of helping in everthing i had selected few chores & use to finish faster & then use to go out shopping or to meet friends & relatives.
when my mil told my dh about her complain, he told me & I was very upset. From that time onwards instead of being overfriendly with her I became formal with her. and by the time we came back she had moved to that city where bil worked so I took up the responsibilty of the house with my il' s. so now whenever she comes to visit here for 2-3 days, I don' t let her do any work & ppolitly will suggest her to spend time in meeting relatives etc. Now after separation when they came in diwali, they stayed at ils' place. instead of going their & helping i invited them all at my place for lunch.
Now a days also when we visit them she will take so long to prepare lunch & me & my dh gets hungry so I to do the most of cooking in her place to get lunch in time. and she is very jealous type also. sheis jealous of me bcs i handle good career very well along with taking care of house.

sorry the post became very long. and i think i diverted from the post. but was just pouring my heart out.
sss replied. hi gg,
it really feel bad to see you so upset like this.i can see that you have a very clear mind and is so vulnerable.
think again.what is happening in the house is good for you too.as you always said,your sister-in-law is very practical.she gained her husband' s confidence and made him agree to shift to a new house.if that happens,what is wrong in that?if she succeed,she is doing something that you couldn' t do.i can understand that you feel cheated and left out.but do you really want to go with her?wont you feel better if you shift to another small house with your hubby and baby only?you had to take this step first.there is nothing like breaking the family.you can still be in touch and keep contacts with all your in-laws and be nice to them.see your mil is wrong if she believe that she can manage to stay with all her sons and their family for ever.it is not practical.you all will feel suffocated in such a big family.make her understand this and support your sil in her decision.all the best