Relationships  Discussion Forum

Dear Saheli,
Iam silent observer of this board and i always liked the solutions which u will give to people..they look very practical and matured way of dealing the problems.
Iam married 2.5 yrs back..having a baby boy of 11 months who is staying with my mom in another city since we both r working.From starting of my marriage iam having a continuous problem with my mil and fil,they will come and live with us and will not give any time for us for privacy..this is only my feeling,my hubby is very happy wen his mom and dad lives with him..he dont care about privacy or the sundays which i want to spend with him..
Today my hubby decided his mom and dad will cum and stay with us permanently..we should stay in joint family..and the whole burden and expenses we should only bare..the things r becoming worst now..i dont want to live in joint family...need to take some step..dont know wat to do..iam getting so much angry..result..we both r fighting but still he wants to be in joint family.
Everytime wen they cum they will give big list of things which we should buy..for that my entire month sal is going off..still my hubby dont realise this and says they r our responsibility and they will not take even a single rupee even though they r having good amt of money
First i thought i leave job and stay in home..wat is the use if iam working the whole month and that money is used for mil and fil wishes..buying gold for miletc.
but i thought in that case i will loose this freedom also so iam in lot much confusion......
saheli pls help me wat should i do..so that he realise the things and we can continue in living in nuclear family(presently also they r staying with us only almost 8-10 months in a year..only thing is furniture is there in diff home..now that is also moving) sr replied. They are the guy' s parents so why does he not give money from his salary but pushes his responsibility on his wife to take care of their needs?
You need to question your husband this!
Do you even give away his money to your parents? The way the society thinks is very wrong and its time someone tried to change things. A guy should look after his inlaws the same way a girl is expected to look after her inlaws! Saheli replied. Supriya,

You seem to have following issues
- nuclear Vs joint family
- issues with mil and fil
- expenses
- your job
- baby staying away (you havent called this out as an issue, i am still including)

I agree with Agila about expenses and job.For expenses - U can work out something like that. Make it clear to hubby that this much money wd go into your savings. Also make some investments for ur and kid' s future of not already done. Plan this out nicely and communicate to hubby during a calm discussion and not as a dictation or argument. Tell him you want to do this and if he objects, tell him you have decided and there' s no looking back.

Job - never leave unless really big issues or no options. It has its advantages ..... more so, when u r stepping into a joint family!

Next I want to talk about your relationship with hubby. No matter if you are right or wrong but when it comes to his parents it has to be an emotonal issue for him. Which hubby would like to hear that his parents should not come over to his place just because they said something to wife? For him its not a big deal. Dont get me wrong please, this is not my view, this is his view.
You need to win his heart. Lovingly, cleverly. Stop nagging, stop being angry. Stop speaking him again and again against his parents. Stop being after him for not getting his parents there. (It is also possible that he is thinking that you are keeping your son away, and also asking him to stay away from his parents, so may be he has a Q in his mind about your ability to carry relationships and responsibilities).

Try and be his friend rather. At times, praise his parents for positives. Tell him that u r fine with their coming iver, u r happy that u guys are suppoting his parents .. but u hv these-these issues as u r working and it will be good if we sort them out before parents come over.
U know what I mean!?

Its your life together with him. You guys cannot look at different directions. Be his friend, win his heart and then see how he supports you.

Finally about your issues with inlaws and they coming to your place.
Well, for not-good inlaws, definitely their coming to your place is a bad news.
But from other point of view, - a neutral one - why should parents not come and stay with son? Think from the perspective of a son and parents ... they are his parents and will live with him. And also, there' s nothing wrong if the son wants to bear parents expenses.

You might be annoyed to read my above point. I understand the situation you are going through, dear, but what I hv said above is what your hubby and his parents and the society is thinking. Right? So if you want to put your point in then you know how many people will take your side.

Anyway. My opinion in this case would be to try and seek a golden middle. Which means, you will have to let them come over and stay with you, you may have to compromise and give up on certain aspects, and be firm and clear on other and communicate them to hubby.
Be clear on roles and responsibilities, on expectations, everything and discuss them out with hubby. Think and plan about cooking, housechores, late office, guests and discuss with hubby. Once u tell him u r happy abt his parents coming, he may melt. Then once u win his heart, tell him ur choices about spending weekends, spending money, etc. Explain to him u hv ur own life too, and how it is imp for u to do things that u like, to manage office stress and overall load of complicated lives of today. (Make him read this board if needed). Once you gain his confidence that u r discussing not arguing, he too will open up and co operate.

Will it be possible to get your kid back once inlaws are there? If yes, tha will be good.

The road ahead is not so easy (assuming they are coming over). You are going to play the role of the old indian sacrificing homelady as well as current-age modern working housemaker who has her pwn likes dislikes opinions and wants to take her own decisions.

But life becomes simpler once your long term goals for life are clear and match with your life partner, and you let go small petty problems in life.

It is your resp to keep the family together, thats the lesson you will pass on to your son. (Yes it is the resp of others too, but lets leave it to them and do our bit as best as we can). As the lady of the house, you have the power to make a great family or send it haywire. What you want to do, what you want to start trying with, is upto you.

I remember reading a word \" angry\" in your post. Dont know - just throwing my thoughts - if you are short tempered or if u loose ur cool at times, please take a note of it and try and control it. This is something that doesnt get us anywhere. Only spoils things.
I would in general like to say to everybody - to women - that anger is somethng we really need to ' fight with' and maintain the cool! Includes me! Agila replied. Dear Supriya,
I can understand how badly you would feel when u don' t have freedom to spent your salary and someone else is enjoying it. I seriously think that your husband should know the limit. It is a must for you to have enough saving for yourself and the balance you spent for others.

But, at the same time I admit that they are guys who is mother' s boy / father' s boy. They give you much attention to their parents until they forget that their are married and they have responsibility of looking after their wife' s feelings.

Pls don' t ever let go the job, if your inlaws going to move in permenantly and if you spent most of the time at home it would create more issues and heartache. Since your husband is very serious with his decision and you give in but you have to discuss with him ahead on the expenses and his duty towards you. Why don' t you tell your husband that you would contribute 50% of your salary and your husband has to contribute 50% of his salary of household expenses. The balance 30% of each of you should go for saving and 20% for other expenses.

This is just a suggestion. If you think it' s gonna create the problem bigger, wait for other readers comment.

Good luck.