Relationships  Discussion Forum

hi ,just a quick question, why do IL\" s torment dils for little things, when their son(DH, and daughter does similar things? they have 2 standards, one for me, and one for their kids. my il' s sya i speak too casually with them, when that' s how my DH is with them, so i just followed his lead. my dh' s sis (SIL) is totally rude to her own il' s yet my il' s think that their daughter is the best DIL\" s and that i should be morelike her. my sil is very sly, she' s talks about her ilsbehind her dh' s back,so he doenst know how she really feels. my il' s expect me to babysit my sil, but everything i say to sil, she reports to her parents, so i dont even feel like talking to her!! i just say hi etc, no details!! when il' s say something bad to you, how do you go on? how do you look them in the face and pretend like its all ok?? i just hate their ways, but it will get worse once they come to stay with us. my mil wants me to be more like them, but i hate them, so i will never be like them, is this right attitude? please help!! Saheli replied. I would give it to the mentality, attitude and maturity of the people why they have two standards while dealing with DILs. I hate hypocracy. I think educated older parents of today have come out of the age of being biased by old Indian culture of treating DILs and they can think of their own and know what they are doing is not right.

They still do it and that is why I would give the credit to their mentalities.
DILs like us spend time wondering why they are like that. Its the same story everywhere with different flavors.

Won' t talk much about \" why\" as it will make it too long a post. Also over the years I have learnt to worry about them and rather concentrate my energy on my family and myself.

I have a good MIL overall but its again the same \" package deal\" of old-time attitude towards me as the DIL. I hesitate a little to point to her because I know that as a DIL I am too not a perfect person and have not done lived my of expectations at times.

But ... in short .. I would suggest something like this.
Newly weds... new married life .. and then ILs come into picture ... initial hiccups ... and then things start dragging and it hurts. OVer the years the DIL keeps burning inside with no solution.
I would suggest that as life settles down in her family, the DIL should take a holistic look at her life and take a decision and implement it. Depending on how the situation in the house is, how supposrting the hubby is, considering that ILs are not always wrong and we as DILs are not always right and perfect .. considering our own marutiry and sesibility level .. this decision needs to be taken.

We have to be very honest to ourselves while taking a step to finally settle down the fire in the house. I will share what I did ... and putting a disclaimer .. that I DONT KNOW if I have done right or wrong, ... this should not be taken as a suggestion to be implemented ....
but I knew for myself that I am right and I had the guts to do it and I was prepared bear extreme consequences of anything went wrong.

After going through the MIL trauma for four years I finally started speaking up when I was sure I am not wrong. It started with first burst out from my side and it was unintentional. It was when my hubby and I had done the same \" blunder\" but only I was going through the \" trial\" and then fingers were pointed to my parents as the first reason!

And then she had it from me!! :-) lol

My bad! Shouldn' t be speaking like this. Sorry! But that was the time I realised \" what can happen if I react\" .. all I faced was MIL not talking to me. After many days of silence I went ahead and talked to her for some pretext (never apologised).

And since then I am speaking up and refusing for things I dont find right. Over this time my family has learnt that I have my likes and dislikes, and they need to respect me for things and not take me for granted.

Now, when there is a need to react, I react with only ONE SENTENCE and then I dont say anything further no matter what. At the end of the day she is elder to me and she has also got the message that I am against.

In all this I always try to do my duties of being a DIL, respecting my MIL... and mother of my kids and owner of the house. Even now .. most times .. I keep quite for things I dont like and refuse only for things that I find too much. Say .. I react on one out of her 10 things.

Before I had my first \" vent\" out, I had already won my hubby' s heart and trust in this matter. He was with me and supports me although doesnt speak up against mom (nor I want him to).

For relationships with people on IL' s side ... its quite like you have mentioned. I talk formal, sit with them, check their and elders' haal-chaal .. love their children .. and go to the kitchen.

For all the blah-blahs that happen otherwise .. from MIL to me .. MIL to SIL .. or whatever ... I simply turn a deaf ear.

Have got better things in life to do and I want to enjoy the time of my life! We dont have time for all this crap, do we?! :-) sonu replied. hi

I have the same problem.....there is one rule for me and one rule for the 3 daugthers....i have to stay within my limits but the rest can do and say whatever.
But u know what now i do exactly what i want and defend myself if need be. I have told my husband exactly how i feel about his parents and the things that they have done to me is not acceptable and tht fact that they are his parents and family he can forgive and forget but i cant. GG is right.....be like ur sil and do exactly what she does and then see ur mil she will not like it one bit.
Thing is that inlaws always say tht u are our daughther but when it comes to it they wont like u saying anything that they dont like so why say all that rubbish that u are our daughter etc....inlaws are so hypercritical its inbelieable....my inlaws to wnat me to be like them but u know what i will never do and behave the way they do as i dont agree with it. u are and individual and why should u change urself 100% for people like that.
They should haev accepted u the way u are not to now change u then they should hve got their son married to a puppet.

Hope i helped
take care gg replied. ur il' s are righth u dont respect them by not listening to them .
start following ur sil be like her whteever she does do the same thing on ur il' s ..in the end tell them u only said to be like sil..