Relationships  Discussion Forum

hi,

im a regular reader of this board and appreciate all who help and support here.So i thought someone might also help me.

im very depressed nowdays.
i have a good family...me,hubby and in laws.my in laws nice to me by god grace.the problem is my MIL is no well.She has heart problems and now she has back problem and the only solution is to operate her back.her spine has to be operated.she is suffering i know but never shows her tensions unnecessarily.my FIL is very upset.

because of all this there is lots of tensions in my house.my hubby is also tensed.if my MIL will be operated then she has to be in bed rest for atleast 3-4 months.im a working women,but still no kids till yet.i have to take all responsibilities of house.we have servents but still....i hope u people understand.
i always wanted to enjoy my life after marriage,i know with marriage comes responsibilities but then im still young with lots of dreams.im in tremondous pressure.see girls and know i can enjoy life in future also,but when u have health problems at home then the whole atmosphere of house is so dull.I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO?im loosing my patience.On top of that my MIL is very sensitive and emotional.She is not at all strong.my hubby is only son.i cant let my hubby also separate with his parents for my happiness.

im very upset.we have done so many poojas and havans at our house but it seems god is just been very unkind.i dont want my MIL to suffer because it effects everyone at home.i want to be happy.i know time comes and goes....but right now for us its stopped.since one yera health problems r going with her, first heart operation, now spine....
all of us have problem big and small.i just want to ask u people...how to remain happy and not be tense in this situation.im even worried abt my hubby health..nothing should happen to him.he is mentally upset.im trying me best to handle as much responsibilities i can..but im braeking now.i pray also...IM LOOSING PATIENCE DAY BY DAY.cant even express to my hubby.just keep on weeping when alone. xyz replied. hi...

i have realized that i have to become strong and think positive,but my problem is sometimes i just cannot do what i want

and ritika..i already went to my parents place for 3 weeks and had a very nice time....i had a change.it ios after i came back i came to know tht my MIL has to be operated.my MIL didnt tell me she was not well when i was at my parents place....when i came back then i came to know.

see she is good,but what irritates me is Y EVERY THING BAD IS HAPPENING WITH US INSPITE OF WORSHIPPING GOD.i know everyone has problems,but somewhere it goes but with us..tension tension tension.
My FIL brother and bhabhi(my tauji taiji)are coming for some days to support us.im happy.atleast someone elder is there at this hour to support us.my FIL is really very upset and tense right now.im also trying my best to atleast be cheerful in front of them.

anyways. Ritika replied. Hi xyz,

I think you desperately need a break. You seem to be overwhelmed right now.

Can you go to your parents place for a couple of days. A change of scenery might rejuvenate you.

Don' t think ki kahan phans gaye...whatever you are doing is going straight in your punya ka khata...so be brave..as Saheli said, try to lighten up the atmosphere around the house...ill health can befall anybody at any time...

Stop thinking on the lines of \" everybody else is enjoying their married life except me\" . EVERYBODY goes thru problems. Its how you deal with it, that shows your mettle.

Spinal operation can be risky..and no wonder yr husband and FIL are upset abt it. Yes, one year can seem never ending, but at least you are surrounded by love and affection and help. So count your blessings.

If it makes you feel better, a lot of us are undergoing stressful situations. I had my first baby a few months back. My husband has been constantly traveling 4-5 days a week since my 30th week of pregnancy. After delivery, he could get exactly 3 days off from office (I' m not kidding..it was a new job and he was extremely busy). My mom came for 2 months to help me and then went back to India. Other than that, I had absolutely no help. Can you imagine having to do everything by yourself. During the last stage of pregnancy, I had to complete a project so worked till the very last day (of the due date)...believe me it was no fun...I wanted care and attention like I had seen a few of my friends get from their families when they were pregnant. But since I have nobody here in the US, all the laad-pyaar was just wishful thinking. :) On top of that I had back pain and there were some days, I could not even walk properly. Imagine trying to carry a baby and rock it to sleep or to stop it crying when you can' t even stand properly. There were several times I would just start crying along with the baby. )

After delivery, I went back to work after a few weeks (US does not have very mother friendly laws. You do not get paid after 6 weeks). My baby had problems sleeping. She would wake up 9-10 times in the night. So after working during the day, I was waking up continuously in the night also. I was a nervous wreck. When I went for a post partum checkup, and the doc asked me how i was, I burst out crying.

Its been 9 months now..and touchwood she' s finally sleeping now in the night..but its been one emotional roller coaster after another. Exhaustion or stress can take a toll on the healthiest of persons.

I told my story just because I want to let you know that everybody' s life is not as rosy as it looks from far. And also because I' m kind of noticing some stress related symptoms in you like weeping all the time and constant depression. Taking a few days off to go and relax at your parents place might not be a bad idea.

I' ll pray for you and yr family. Yr MIL needs all our wishes right now...take care...


xyz replied. thank you saheli sooooooooo much for your kind suggestion.

im really shattered right now...and to be very frank you have recognised my problem well.
i want to be occupied.i want a child soon,but its just that everything has its own time.

i just hope she is fine....im ok with her..but when i see girls of my age enjoying i sometimes feel\" kaha phas gaye\" .it was better i was unmarried.

anyways thanks...

i really need support girls,i know i will overcome but im not getting solutions. Saheli replied. I have some thoughts, hope you find them helpful.

Don’t feel guilty for feeling like that. I think it' s ' human' .... but I congratulate the fact that you have REALISED you were not thinking on right lines and made an effort to correct that. Another good thing about you is that you realize the positives you have – good family, good hubby and mil etc.

Well, I wish your mil gets well soon. At this time, your family needs your support. At this time, you are getting too deep down into things and flowing with it. Take a step back and look at the big picture and understand what you need to do.

One issue I see clearly is - you seem to have free time to think about the dullness and be impatient. Make yourself busy completely. Change the situation to reap positives out of it. This, you will have to do alone, without involving or even telling others, as they are not in the mood. Its okay to enjoy at times, even in this situation, as it will refresh you (and that’s what you need, looks like). Take a break, go out alone or with a friend, eat out, watch a movie or shop, something that can refresh you. And going forward, engage yourself in things that will keep your mind busy, join some class, do something on the net, read about your mil’s operation and other medical details on net and share that with hubby, gardening, take up ur old forgotten hobby, whatever.

Don’t feel guilty that u r enjoying in this situation. U r not actually enjoying. U r human, new to this house, and what’s happening is opposite to what a new bride was prepared for.So u need something to refresh urself at this time.

Another thing that I see you need, is to support your hubby. Men are emotionally weak and he may not express all that he is feeling, to you. You need to find out what can be good, and do that.

If you can do some yoga, pranayaam, do it. If you can join aerobics or exercise, do it (as it brings out the ‘happiness chemicals’ in the body – you have asked how to be happy). This will also keep u busy.

XYZ, every woman has this tough time in life. Some have early, some later. This is the time your family needs u. This is the time the woman needs to being out her qualities of patience, love, support and strength.

If cooking something special which everybody including mil can enjoy, do that. Or arrange for a movie in mil’s room that whole family can watch. May be ta-ra-rum-pum (its new, and also teaches to be happy and fight in bad times). Arrange tea/snacks whatever you can during movie. In short, try to lighten up the atmosphere.

God has been kind to you and answering pooja’s and havans. Take it this way, the health problems were destined, but you are out of one operation successfully and will be out of other too. You don’t have resp of kid, you have servants, imagine what if reverse?

You say you wanted to enjoy life as newly married. Imagine what if this problem had arrived later when u wd have a baby? So probably, what happens is for good. May be God wants your mil to be fit and fine and take care and enjoy the grandchildren!

About enjoying your time, try and do that in little amounts and alone. Don’t expect to enjoy that newly married life' s blossoms now. And about patience. If you think that there is something to be reached, and you are approaching it day by day, u ll lose your patience. Its something like … 2 days train journey passes easily till the station that is 2 hrs before destination …. And we lose patience in last 1-2 hours! If you accept the situation and accept that you have to live with it, it will help you.
What are you losing patience for? You want the family to come back to normal? Stop expecting that and find out your own ways and alternatives.

It will take time for you to get to this feeling, but do it, I am sure you will be fine soon.