Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi everybody,
I am very depressed and dont know whom i shud consult and who will guide me ..so am approaching u all.I dont kno how to tackle my problem becoz if its my problem i want 2 sort that before it becomes 2 late.
Last year got married and now in Us.My in-laws demanded a lot of dowry which is still pending...so they are creating always problem.. my hubby supported me and he askd his parents not to do hurry and he will ask wenevr he wants and dont create problem.But his mother called my parents and started harrasing and after that wenever v used 2 call them she starts complaining against my parents..as the speaker is on i can clearly hear that..twice or thrice this happened and i tried 2 ignore and i told my hubby that it hurts me when she complains abt my parents for no reason...and what my in laws always tell my hubby is that since my hubby is NRI ,my parents are trying 2 snatch him away from them.my parents have some ill motive etc.then again one day wen v called she started complaining abt my mom something very bad regarding money ..so i tuk the phone and i askd her what is that and she startd making stories and i told her that y r u doing like this we all r one family we hav 2 live happily 2gethr ..u all r elders if u do like this then what we will do..how we will maintain hamony in our family and suddenly my hubby tuk phone from me and started yelling at me \";who told u 2 ask her like that\";?
Then aftrsome day he calld his parents 2 say sorry 4 evrything ..and they both my mother-in law and father in law started complaining against me and my parents again and my hubby who when gets angry gets out of control started yaelling at them saying that they destroyed his life by marrying me...askd them who told them 2 accept this marriage proposal...his whole life is ruined becoz of this marriage and i tried 2 stop him ..i held his legs ..he told (while he is in phone) that i am responsible for evrything and i was just shattered...being in US with no relatives around i feel so helpless..dont kno what 2 do..i felt like leaving evrything and go somewhere ...i cant even go 2 my parents do u all know y becoz my brother is also divorced ..his wife left him becoz of her affair with her childhood boyfrnd...my parents are already totally shattered i dont know hwat 2 do?
i cant even share my pain with my parents...Initailly wen we used 2 fight he wud get out of control..his eyes red and he wud threaten me that he will call my parents 2 say that ihe is going to send me 2 them and i wud cry and beg him ..once even told me that if u want 2 go 2 ur parents u will stay there only 4ever..noone knows wat i went thru...we usually hav fight more becoz we both r hot tempered ..if i say anything about any husband like luk at him he doesnot do like this he will start fighting saying dont compare me with anyone otherwise u go and stay with him.I am very sensitive small things make me sad and nowadays since my brother got divorced and other side my in laws demanding dowry and disturbing my parents am not able 2 keep myself in balance atall..am trying 2 smile just 4 my hubby's sake..Not only this he is not at all that interested in sex ..i have 2 request him always and he is having preamature ejaculation problem also.he will try 2 watch porn movies alone wen i am not around and if i try 2 c he will tell r u not ashamed 2 c all this...and wenevr we go out he will b staring at girls and if v r out with some couples he will dont give much attention 2 me instead he will smile and share joke with those girls ..which he does not do with me....i feel very jealous and angry and my mood will b off and we will fight.
on the other side he will never 4get my birthday..will give me gud gifts...etc so am ot sure wat 2 do.my problem is that i cant do forget and forgive..evrything remains in my heart ..wenever i think abt his parents i hate them like anything and sometimes i hate my husband also...i dont know hether its normal or bad?please gyuide me i feel like my marriage is on th rocks..day by day its getting weak and am not sure what i shud do 2 prevent it from happening..please ghelp me ...i can only count upon u guys out ther...i will really appreciate if u all will guide me and make me more strong ..i dont want 2 break this marriage .help me pleeeeeeeease. be happy replied. My suggestion is , how dowry are they asking ? Is it in rupees? As you are already in US why don't you look for a work and you get good pay and when you go for the interview ask them to credit one fourth of your salary into a seperate account (a new account in your own name ) and the rest you show it your husband and put it where he knows, don't let him know the whole salary .When it reaches certain amount don't give the whole money transfer it to the Parents account in India and ask them to give you a check for that amount.This will make the feel they are getting what they wanted .It is such a shame people value money more than their own Son's precious life. You don;t worry .Girls should also be very smart ,girls' parents are sometimes helpless . VK replied. I read your message and was moved by it and felt that I should reply to u. I think all the women in our country have to face this situation some or the other time. I have to say a few things to you..
**Your marriage is just one year old. It takes some time for the spouses to understand each other and accept them. Arranged marriage especially takes more time as the first step in it is acceptance and then once u develop the acceptance and liking, we proceed to the next step that is love. So, i would ask u to have some patience and not create a negative impression about u in ur hubby's mind and vice versa.

**I think whatever unpleasant things ur hubby has told to u is just out of anger. Tell ur hubby when he is in a good mood and a mood to talk that u love him a lot and that u only respect his parent as they are elders and that u dont have any feelings of closeness for them because of the impression their talks have created in your mind. Dont cry when u say this. look straight into his eyes and dont look angry either. Try to make him happy by making good food, keep the house clean, and help him out in small things and pampering him and then suddenly act as if u fall ill and dont do anything for a day or two. He will soon realize your importance in his life.

**Regarding the dowry that your in-laws are asking, tell ur hubby that ur parents already have a lot of tension and u dont want to increase it, and that u also want ur in-laws to be satisfied, ask him if u can work so that u can send it to ur parents and tell them to send it to ur in-laws, this way both will be relieved of unnecessary friction and this will also give a good change in ur life. u will get a chance to go out and make friends, dress up nicely, and u will be less around ur hubby, and he will realize how it is to be with u and around u and will spend quality time with u.

**Regarding sex, give it some time. If he is having premature ejaculation and it is a medical problem consider a physician. if ur hubby is not ready to see a physician wait till the other issues in ur life clear up and then slowly convince him about it later on.

Also ask ur parents to not talk long to ur in-laws on phone and also minimize visits and only keep a formal relation so that there is less chance from ur in-laws side to complain about them.

In short, have patience, be happy, and make ur hubby happy, and things will improve over a period of time.

Good Luck

Take Care

VK