Relationships  Discussion Forum

hi all,
i am a Postgraduate software engineer married for 3 years and have a 14 months old baby girl.
i have absolutely no issues with my husband.
but all the trouble with MIL. she is very dominating and very demanding.
i am cook food in the morning and go to office she helps me most of the time. for my small mistake she points out and starts commenting ..which i dont like.
i feel since how i have changed after marriage she should also mend her ways she cannt be like how she was before . she also has to respect me.
she cant treat me like however she wishes.
for trifle things she assumes some thing negitive and gets angry and stops speaking to me.i come from office to relax and play with my kid but she sits there with a big face.
Actually she is like that even before i got married.
i want to live happyly ..i want to be happy for every thing i have.
but this lady is spoiling my peace of mind.

i want to be very practical..and tryed my best to keep her calm ...but she has all kinds of mood swings which i fed up to tolerate.

now yesterday .. i told her that nobody treats me like this and she has hurt me many times which i am tolertating. finaly i lost my patience and broke my silence..and
she trys to control me.
since i am getting tired i planned to keep a cook so that i can spend time with my baby.for which she started that even she was working she did all hard work in raising kid...what not..
but why should i suffer .. i have every right to lead a luxiorios life which i can effort..which she i think doesnt like..when im at home i will be always busy in some thing or other.
so i want to relax and spend time with my baby..

all these days she took me granted as my husband ask me not to argue with her.. but lately i satrted feeling that i im lossing my identity and self repect..i could not wait anymore for my husband would do something to help..rather he is brouht up like that tolerating his mother ..got used to her..........but i am not brought up like that ..i am given lot of importance at home very where i go.

just wanted to share my feelings at this board.
i expect some wise ladies to comment suggest ..
was i wrong????? .....
i m depressed please advice was i wrong..how do i react next..i already spoke to her normall y she responeded normally...but not talking s replied. Hi de.. i am also in same situation but mine is worse as i am pregnent right after my marriage and my MIL does not show any support towards me. I am also a post graduate engineer like you, so i never thought i will have to do all the household work right from the beginning of my marriage. so this gave my MIL everychance to scold me in front of family. I told her to keep a servant but she wont let me do it. Becoz she thinks this will make me kind if maharani whereas she had to suffer and do all the household work when she got married. my point is also similar, why sohuld i suffer as she suffered. she is too moody and sometimes even we all dont know why she is angry, she wont keep hold over tongue and from the first day after marriage she has been scolding me very badly. This really has made me loose self confidence. But i suppose sometimes we have to retailiate in life so that others dont take us for granted. Like you i tried every sweet word to make her understand that nowadays working environment is different and you can not expect everything to be done by your hands that too speacial when i am not in best of my conditions. She has stopped speaking to me from that day when we had big fight, my hubby cannot speak in this matter although he knows his mother is not right to expect everthing at this moment of my pregnency. can i ask you one thing? how much work you have been doing all these 3 and half years. like did you do all the household work by yourself like cooking, washing clothes, cleaning toilets etc. how did you manage during pregnency? were you cooking always during that time or yuor MIL supported you at that moment. i hope i can get motivation for handling my life better by your answer. Saheli replied. About your MIL' s pin-pointing problem ------------------------------
Breaking the silence seems to be right to Me in this case.
Talk to MIL once over a cup of tea or something, when you know she is not in bad mood. Tell her about your office/project showing how things are difficult, how managing people is difficult, tell her some troubles you are facing in office, how your manager asks you to stay late and work but you want to come back because you feel Mommy must be tired at home (ego massage). Now, ask her suggestions on how to handle a couple of situations in office. Tell her you want her advise as she has been working so has good experience.

By doing above, I am looking at hitting 2 birds. One is ego massage for her and second is giving her an idea that things are not so easy for the DIL (that is why I suggest you to paint a little pitiable picture of your office work). She will believe silently that DIL also gets tired and stressed (though may never say that out).

A few days after this, again at a cool time, tell her you want to talk about something. Keep it in a calm and requesting tone. Say you really feel hurt by those words. Tell her you get tired and stressed out by office work and when she points out things you get tensed.

Now, it is also important to give her options/suggestions for what she should be doing.
Agree that you have room to improve, and suggest that she can let go trivial things. For major things, she can ctell them all to you coolly over a tea, say on saturday/sunday mornings and she should also tell her how to do things better. Ego massage her by saying, she is doing good by giving you feedback as it helps you to improve and become like her, just that the way she puts it across hurts you.

About cooking -
--------------
As you have said, spending time with the baby is very important.
When the mother is out most part of the day, I really believe she should give time to the baby mornings and evenings.

Well, I also believe that food should be cooked by a family member preferably rather than a maid/Cook, but in today' s age we need to prioritize. Cooking resources can have options. There is no replacement for a mother.

I tell you personal experience. Today my elder son is 5 yrs old (= he can express feelings). He has told me straight - \" when you come back from office, dont spend time in kitchen, play with me. If you cant play and are tired, lets play \" sitting games (his language)\" or tell me stories. If you want to be in kitchen, I will also be there with you and help you!\" (and he really does help me by peeling potatoes etc).

Crux of the matter - kids need us. My kid could say it, but can the baby say it?

So if you think having a Cook is the right option, you can go ahead.
Infact, I would say, why dont you discuss the problem with your husband first. Dont tell him your suggestion of having a cook, instead, seek asnwers from him. If he starts going round and round saying you should cook, get a maid for help etc, then put it straight -- See I wont cook. I may supervise but wont cook. Now, what option would you prefer for morning meals? Maid/cook or what? Or instead, we can have a maid do all the pre-cooking and Mummy can give only the tadka, by which she will get food of her taste and all will be free as well.
Let him give the answers.

After he is set, talk to MIL along with hubby. First ask politely what does she suggest. And if she also goes round, then put it straight and say, now what do u want it to be?

Now, say you will be cooking on weekends or whenevr u find time, and really maintain it. Make a chinese dinner or so even on a working day.

Tell me if this helps.
Saheli Hema replied. Hi De(whatever is your real name,

Reading ur story I felt it is my story. We girls change so much after marriage tht our identity is lost. I too am highly qualified and well placed and earning good but my MIL does exactly the same things. Dont know what to do. As a last resort, this time I have decided to move out atleast once to teach MIL a lesson. U also look out for a house on ur own n next time when MIL throws tantrums just move out n dont come back unless ur ils agree to treat u with respect. Remember its a battle which u will have to fight else u will always b treated like this. Empower yourself first coz u cannot win a battle unless u have the right weapons to fight.
U have every right to enjoy and live your life to the fullest. Take this risk and am sure u will get a +ve outcome.
good luck.