Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi all

I am a regular reader on this site. This is a great site which provides good info about developing children. I recently checked this column about in-laws. I find people only complain about their in-laws. Ok... i know most inlaws are manipulative and i do not know why they are like that.

I have a different problem and i want true suggestions from you all experienced women. I got married around 1.5 yrs back. I work from IT background and so is my wife. Since my marriage we have been having problems and now we have a baby and i feel it should come to an end. My wife is just like some the modern women who work and spend lavishy or atleast think they should find a partner who will make their lives easier without any pains at all. She does not understand that even the richest of the people in earth have to work physically, if they want a happy family. She never does any house work and will keep fighting like anything if i ask her to do. My mom will do all the housework and still she will keep fighting and irritating me all the time about my mother. I agree that after marriage wife should be given importance but there has to be a limit u keep listening bad about ur mother. My wife cooly says that she is not used to working hard and handling a family. I am equally helping her but she shows no intension to show any positive attitude. she is totally lazy and never did any physical work or exercise or controlled her food during her pregnancy and finally she became overweight and go a C-section. My mother daily used to tell her to do house work or some physical work since then only atleast a women body will be flexible in pregnancy. She never listend and all the time she cursed my mother and me for being a mamma boy. now finally she only got C-Section and she has problems because of that. I do not know how bad C-section is....

Now after our baaby since due to the demands of baby she has to do some work. Now she has quit her work since i asked to take care of baby for atleast 1 yrs. Still she does not even bother about saving any money for our future. My mother still cooks daily and handles all the work in home and inspite of that she will keep cursing her. She says she does not have power in the home to handle things in her manner. i.e. the kitchen or food or vessels should be like this or that. she then says that my mom is not allowing her to handle the house. I am telling her i will support u and say strongly to my mom to follow her . but with power comes responsibility means she has to make sure all food is cooked for everyone, things are clean and proper and we also save money. she is afraid of that also, because this will make her worker harder physically. she has not respect for me and mother. i do not understand what to do. she wants in control also but she wants a smmoth life. this is very confusing.

till now for last 1 yr i controled myself for whatever fights she did, because she was pregnnat and i did not want to harm. But now i am getting depressed and i am getting more and more irritaed. i am not able save money, i am worried for my daughter. it is a very costly world we need to work harder and smarter for our future and also our dependent future. I am able to hear daily curse against my mother. Finally now i also burst out and curse her parents very badly and infact i cursed them badly infront of them itself. I do not care about any selfrespect. But i am worried that i should not be like this as me and my wife fighting will affect my daughter who has not done any harm to anyone. I am asking her to change her attitude, i help her most of the times at home also inspite of my heavy office work. but now i am not able to take mental torture. women are very good in words they nag men to the core and sometime i feel i shoud kill myself or her. but i am worried about my daughter.

please advise. how i can i change my wife. how i can make less selfish and little caring about other people in home. Please do not mistake me as moamma boy, i equally help my wife at home. i feed my daughter at odd times at night. i wash her clothers and get them back after drying. i am doing most of the work which a lady does. but now i am getting depressed and i am becoming violent also which i do not want to be...

I feel the women who share their problems here are superwomen. You women do all the housework and inspite of that ur inlaws torture u. i wish i could have someone like u, i will give my life for such a person.

i do not father, i cannot just dump my mother and i love my wife and daugther very much. i want to have a peaceful life.

ranjana replied. if you are really a nice guy, just be nice with your own soul and do not reciprocate in a wrong way. you cannot change others and if you are destined to live with such an immature lady , you cannot do much but you can certainly shift your focus to the nice things in your life like your daughter. just leave your wife and mother at their own because they must be having some past threads to untangle. let them solve their conflicts and make sure to tell them honestly that you are not going to listen anymore crap from both the sides. this will make you free of analysing the situation. just concentrate on the proper growth of your daughter. take care of your part only, do not bother to change anybody else. if you feel that your daughter is not getting deserved attention of her mother , try to be her mother , if you can. leave the situation as it is and watch like a third person. it's really hard but if you try to behave like this you will feel more at peace and control. be nice to your wife as well as your mother because it is in your control , how to behave with others. dont let your wife's behaviour change your's. why to blame your in laws? this is your life and take control of it.
all the best
LAHAR rohini replied. Hi Venkat,
I wud like to reiterate what others have suggested on this board.....send ur mother to some relatives place for a while and see how things go between u and ur wife.Give her some time....If u really want to make things work and see to it that ur daughter grows in a good and healthy environment ......u gotta give this a try....All the best. xxxx replied. venkat,

I don't know where you live. But my advice also please sends your mom to some other place to save your family and sees how your wife is doing. You being in India or in USA start putting your child in take care or ask your wife to start work. Only few women can do well with kids being in home once they stop working. So she may not be happy sitting in the home and taking care of child.
Eventually she will change with age and time. But for time being you may need to do some changes in your family and see how things are working. After she starts working you can buy some food .working lady will have less time for shopping. Even in usa lot of women doesn't like to cook but they like to work. So in those cases i have seen husbands managing the family by buying some outside food. But women or any person will change with time and you need to be patient for the sake of your family. Yes you need to raise your daughter in a good environment. Coming to money don't let her see the money in the banks. Invest in some form where you don't see the money.


venkat replied. thanks shanti for replying. But i do not have any kins. Yes my mother is very emotional lady. She has a lot of expectations from my wife and sometimes i scold her for asking too much. She has lived in a era where ladies will do all the work like a bonded labour and the men will live like a king. She expects the same from my wife and for that she gets good scolding from me. But still she is doing the major work in house and so i am not able to say much.

Indian men or western men attitude, i do not think about what u said.. i listen to my wife and also tell my mother to not interfere my wife and my personal life and scold her also. but there is a limit to which any man can keep hearing bad.. Shanthi replied. I would suggest stay separate from your mom for a while..if there is any alternative..send your mom to your brother or sisters house..see how she reacts..if she is lazy she will realise what she is missing and will help her to learn the house work.you just keep your mouth shut & let her do the work.And about in your msg you didn't put any negative thoughts about your mother.most of the mil's act nicely in front of son with dil..i am sorry if your mom is not like that..and i understand no indian son will listen any thing against his mom.are you sure she is treating your wife nicely?.there will be small misunderstanding here & there..