Relationships  Discussion Forum

Married for 8 yrs, I stay along with my in-laws, and am working. From the very first year I am having trouble with MIL & FIL. Though my husband is a reasonable guy but unfortunately my sex relationship & communication with my husband is extremely bad, he doesn't seems to be interested. He is very much inclined towards his parents. I have been tolerating/fighting/struggling all by myself for past 8yrs as my husband never supports me. Now with medical assistance I am pregnant, I have a new reason to live. Now, I want to put a stop to all the nonsense that I have been going through. Knowing my husband he will not leave his parents, so in that case I am ready to walk out along with my baby( i am not planning for divorce)

My question to the group is do you think :
1. we Indain women push ourselves to limit and take shit from everyone.
2. we think too much about the future and let ourselves be emotinally abused.
3. we find it very difficult to walk out of the house( I realise that a child needs both the parents, but if i stay in that house my child is going to suffer more as i am going to be mentally ill all the time)
4. We neglect our happiness. Don't we have a right to be happy ?

Let me know your thoughts on the matter. Do you beleive that I am thinking in the right direction ? Meera replied. Since you are working there is no fear. You can support your baby. Now let him come after you like a dog tanya replied. i am due in 3 weeks and i dnt want my hubby who aint bothered with me or kid during my pregnancy he is being mum's boy, she has split us as she said she wont let us last 6 months and i got married to him last june and knew him year before and he sacrificed his family for me and loved me lot so what has happened now? so hurt and i have left him since december but he told me to back off and i have it was love marriage and now he keeps texting and calling as phone is on divert because he will want to know when kid is born, i aint calling him delivery or telling him. i been in and out of hospital and he has not once since december come to see me.
i aint giving his name on certificate and i am so heart broken. what shall i do?
his mum has splited us and i cant live without him but he is under her influence badly, now i am scared i will give birth to baby and he will try to take it. why is it easy for guys. i suffer all my pregnancy and if his mum says he will do it.
dnt i have any respect.
im only 22 and he has messed me on his mum's saying.
then he tells me he loves me and later he says we might not be together ever, could have divorce then he says he will never divorce.
under lot stress, he knew its affect our kid and its first one and the growth aint good but ok now a bit.
what shall i do?
his mum did this cause she wants her way and i always sacrificed myself did what she wanted but still she took my husband away and my childs father.
really ill, cause i do miss him.
Before marriage he sacrificed his parents for me, loved me lot so what happened now?
he left his parents for me as his parents did not agree to our marriage today he left me and kid for parents. is that how weak his love is?
help xyz replied. hey
hii
u r absolutely right
we really push ourselves a lot
sometimes i think for what
we leave our parents and get married to them and come
and least they can do is to take care of us
it is there responsibility to take care and keep us happy
if not happy at least not to trouble us
we do so mnay things for them
they have no value for us
we all at times must take some drastic steps to make them uunderstand that indian wifes are not unpaid servants.
worse is mil and fil staying and creating problems
u r great hats of to u for staying for so long with them
why tell me why so all women have to go through this
look at the peopl here in us where i stay they r so free
the guys parents never stay with them and interfere
why do inlaws interfere so much i dont understand
hey neha divorce is at times not the best solution but may be u can talk to ur hubby and if he still doesnt get the point then yes u can walk out
the relationship is not worth crying for.
but yes your kid will need a father and mother. but at what cost
you are putting your entire life at stake for this kid
comeon there are so many women who raise there kids without father and are all normal kids and are so happy
neha my one advise to you
please sont take too many things from any one
you will understand it some day of your life
please take care shaheen replied. hi, neha.
i know its very difficult to adjust in a joint family system cause what i read of ur problem was the same as i had gone through myself in the same way as what u r going right now,i believe that u still give time as u r expecting ur baby and maybe the child will turn the tables in ur favour when u have tolerated so much maybe a little more i think the new bundle of joy will definitely change the familys attitude towards u well that what happened with me and maybe it may happen with u also ag replied. Hi

I was suprised to see that you are determined to walk out. Anyway, I still believe like Worried that you should scheme and plot some more to bring your husband to your point of view.

Some things to do:

Enlist help of some very close friends or relatives to help patch things up, if possible.

Talk to close friends (your friends, not your husband's) about your situation. If you are going to walk out, they will come to know anyway. FInd out if your situation is really as bad as you think or are you overreacting. Marriages go through some very bad times and in-laws can be vicious and cruel, maybe somebody can give you more ideas. Worried and I have asked you many times to be specific about what your in-laws do to you, but you did not tell us. It is hard to give advise when we don't know exactly what they are doing to you.

Finally, if you are determined to leave, make sure you take care of all the practical aspects of living on your own...daycare, finances, house, etc.

Keep writing! Worried replied. Dear Neha

I can understand how you feel and I feel bad for you. Please take care of yourself and post a message her if you feel you need to talk with someone. I will continue to check here.

Neha replied. Dear Worried,

Nothing has changed in past two days, nor have I changed my plan. I still intend to walk out, but as I am pregnant so I am not being impulsive. I have no intensions of staying in this house for long, and would leave when it is most appropriate for baby& me, so I am planning & taking my own time for a smooth exit.

Yes, I do understand that mentality of my in-laws, and I see what they have been doing to us. Over the period of time I have realized that the most important thing is ‘my happiness’ and does not matter whether they (MIL-FIL) are in misery or enjoying life. Today their existences have no meaning for me, and have come to stage where my expectations from my husband are also rock bottom. My focus is clear, I am going to be ruthless in achieving what I intend to do, but with utmost caution.
Worried replied. Neha

What is this supposed to mean......One message later and a couple of days later you are saying that you have decided to move out......? Have things changed so drastically in these two days???

I feel if something has happened you must let us know what your situation is....??? Look Neha let us know if you have had a very stressed out pregnancy? What else is it that bothers you? Have your inlaws troubled you emotionally or physically also. Are they angry abt something or just being mean to you?

From your second message it was clear that your inlaws are heavily into emotional blackmail and that is where your husband is stuck . Inlaws do that all the time and try to retrieve what they have given to their son when he was growing up. Look 8 years must have taught you something abt them. There must be something you know abt how their minds work and in this manner you should be able to deal with them better already. You keep calling them a mad house ......could you be more specific it would help.

Take Care Now and Write all you can think of that may be troubling you. Neha replied. Hi Ag,

You are right in saying that kid after so many years of marriage holds a lot of importance. For me kid is the reason to live and I don’t want to waste anymore time fighting with in-laws. They are not even worth a second of my time when the baby is born.

Maybe my husband might be able to see us as a separate family but knowing him he won’t speak up against any stupid actions of in-laws. I don’t want my baby to have even an iota of the stress that I went through. Therefore I have made-up my mind to leave this home, ideally I would like my husband to come with me & baby but that is not a pre-conditions. It is only a matter of time..oneway or the other I am going to find ways to leave this mad world. If family & baby means the same to my husband then sooner or later he would be with us, if not then he is not even worth considering.

As I mentioned earlier, I would try and exercise more control over my emotions.
Worried replied. Hey Neha,

I can't seem to figure out what prompted you to think of walking out at this stage.... I mean 9 months pregnant and baby due anytime.....why did you opt for a baby at all if your mental frame of mind was this way?

Look as ag has suggested that many men change after a baby but many don't even change.....My husband has misbehaved and we almost went thru a divorce 15 days after our baby was born....??? So it all depends on how you can mould your man. I was still in the learning period when this happened and I was very brash abt the whole thing and when pushed towards it by my manipulative MIL (who hated the idea of me having married her son as well) I just walked into the neatly laid out trap but I have lived and learnt.....Now that I have a kid I have learnt to be stronger for the sake of my child. You as a mother will also experience the change and It is entirely in your hands to change your husband......Think before you react and the solutions will come to you themselves......Never supress your emotions becos then you will end up a mental wreck. Talk to us as I suggested and get the stuff outta your system and feel better......You have a lot more responsibility up ahead.....All the best and try not to get into any controversy when your baby is born becos' it will tell on your health and the baby's as well.

All the best and have a safe delivery. ag replied. Hi

I'm glad you are thinking calmly now. These type of situations need practical thinking not emotional thinking. You have to be cunning in the battle against in-laws and your aim should be to bring your husband to your point of view, not to leave completely.

Actually, a big factor in your marriage (just my opinion) is that you are having a kid after 8 yrs. Kids are a great bonding factor in a marriage. No man who really loves his child wants to put his marriage under strain. Earlier even my husband used to take his mothers side, but now after kids he sees us as a family independent of his parents and does not want to do or say anything that will harm our relationship or make the kids see him in a bad light.

Hang in there! Be tough. Keep writing about your progress. Neha replied. Gone through your responses a no. of times, trying to absorb every bit of message that you are sending across to me. Felt nice that you guys could understand and relate to my problems.

Yes, you are right that it is not easy to leave home during pregnancy; I am in my 9th month and baby is expected anytime, this is my last week at office. I have been planning to leave home for very long but at the same time did not wanted to upset too many things during pregnancy or even few months after delivery. But one thing is certain that I need to get out of this mess one way or the other.

I would list out +/- and take a litmus test, but it will not be easy. Because when it comes to emotions it is difficult to put points in black and white, and justify one over the other. For instance, we know ‘social standing’ is one of the benefit of staying with the family, however I would be emotionally abused if I do plan to stay and that would also affect my child.

There is so much hatred that has accumulated within me for them that it seems almost impossible to live in the same house. They hate my guts, I believe that I don’t fit into their image of so called ‘bahu’, therefore they always find ways to play tricks with me and see to it that me & my husband never have a good relationship. Worst is that they (both the in-laws) are happy together and my husband who is obviously blind to such motives end up fighting with me. I agree with you that I need to remain cool, but it almost becomes impossible. I guess, my patience has worn off due to constant tension and fights at home.

However, I plan to listen to your advice. As long as I am in this house, I would try to watch out for their weakness and fight back. I would establish more control over myself esp. while talking to my husband and will try not to show my emotions to anyone.
Worried replied. Neha

I agree with ag......she is right when she says that there are a lot of things to take into account before moving out! Look we maybe the mordern day women but when one has to look after a baby life isn't exactly a bed of roses and then alone would be the most difficult thing to do.Pregnancy maybe a tough time but god forbid if you are one of the unlucky few to be struck with postnatal depression.......I have been through all this and things only get progressively worse. No I don't mean to dissuade you but you were right when you understood from my message that I seem to have gone through a tuff patch myself.....and to tell you the truth the tuff patch is not yet over. Yes I have learnt to deal with my in-laws and husband separately but even then the proverbial\";umblical cord\"; that the sons are attached to forever speaks up every now and then.....! The most important thing in this whole thing is to learn to counter the forces against you.

I also agree that you must list out the pluses and minuses on a paper and it will help you weigh the pros and cons but please do it only when you are in a neutral mind. Cos' when we are angry the world seems to be the Worst place....!

I have also many times considered walking out on my husband simply becos' its so frustrating when you want them to see sense and they refuse to becos they can't suddenly think beyond their parents.....It is the time when I can't make him see reason and feel like killing him becos at that point in time the man believes that even if his parents want to make us live our lives standing on our heads he will make us do it.....It can be extremely frustrating but then there are times when I have also stood up for my convictions and that has scared the living daylights out of them. Maybe you should also try that.

Look when they harass you and blame you for everything just act like a rock,like as if nothing bothers you anymore. Play cool and DO NOT burst out into tears or show that you are hurt. It works like magic. It irritates the other party one helluva lot cos' they can't for the life of them figure what is going on inside of you and you feel a lot better cos' you have irritated them.

I also understand that you feel like talking about this to someone and your husband is the person you pick at such a time but you must stop that from now on. Just keep very aloof and though it bothers the living daylights out of you don't mention a word to him either. Come on this post and let us know what happened and I promise you that your husband is going to be wondering what the hell happened. ......I'm sure you feel this sounds childish but with childish people you have to play childish games.

Look I have been through plenty of bad times in my 31/2 year marriage. There have been plenty of times I have been threatened with a divorce and plenty where I have been forced to think of one myself! There have been times when on the instigation of my in-laws (though we don't live with them)my husband has been like a monster and I have actually gone away to my parents place........but the icing on the cake was when my inlaws have instigated their son to an extent that he has actually picked up the phone and announced our separation to them! I mean all this can be very unsettling and can eventually lead you to view your husband as a total wimp for whom you can have no respect much less any love! But remember Neha keep your head on your shoulders and work around their weaknesses and watch the change. I know you feel that life is only passing you by and that you shouldn't continue to be harrassed but remember we women are made of tuffer stuff and cannot lose so easily.

Look change the atmosphere around you now. Change the situations to suit you and it doesn't take a very cunning woman to do that it just takes a smart woman who has her antennas up all the time to do that........Keep in touch and I hope we can extricate you from this mess.It is easy.....Lets' just give it a try.
ag replied. I can understand what you mean. I am in the same situation as you. My MIL is never happy with me. Luckily for me, my FIL and Bro.IL are very nice people who help me keep my sanity. Also, we do not live my in-laws so I only have to tolerate it every 4 months or so. I have also been very, very good to my husband's other relatives, so now when MIL complains about me they think everything is her fault, not mine.

Some things that you have to think about are:

1 Will you be able to bring up your child on your own? - Its a good thing that you are working and are able to support yourself, but can you find good help to take care of the baby if you are on your own.

2 Pregnancy is a tough time both emotionally and physically. Things seem worse than they really are. Pospone any decision to walk out till you are in a less vulnerable state. When you've waited 8 yrs. what's a few months more?

3 Building good communication, having good sexual relationship, etc is an on-going process. It never stops and it is never easy because men do not like to talk about relationships. When you want to talk about imp. stuff, you have to do so gently not in anger. Anger just shuts their mind up immediately. I'm not saying that you should not get angry, but do not dicuss imp. issues when you feel like screaming. Discuss when you are both calm. Also, in all marriages, all around the world, women compromise more than men. I know it sucks.... but that's just the way it is!

4 Never bunch your husband in the same category as your in-laws. You might live together but you're still two diff. families. They will not be around forever, but hopefully, your husband will.Also, All husbands have probs. taking sides when their parents and wives are involved. If you consistently seem more rational then your in-laws he will come around.

Finally, take a piece of paper (when you are not angry and not overflowing with love either). make a + column and list all the things that are right in your marriage. Then make a - column, list all the irritating stuff. If + is more than - ,then stay, If - is more than +, leave.

All the best! Worried replied. Hi Neha,

You sound like a rather harrassed woman and one who has only emerged stronger from the experience. We are the harassed lot alright and to answer some of your questions here.

1. I totally agree with you that we Indian women have been brought up with this pati- parameshwar ideas and also that a good girl is one who binds the home together etc etc. All this is good and very nice but hey 'Our' parents forgot to tell us that a good girl must be strong and must know where to draw the line, and cannot keep on taking shit from her husband and in laws.The more we bend over backwards to accomodate them the more they worry you and make life miserable.

2. Yes we also bother too much about what the future may hold for us and worry about it too much and are afraid to step into the big bad world on our own simply because we have been conditioned to believe that the world out there is not conducive to single women and that we women require the umbrella of our husbands etc etc. So though we are brought up thinking big and living big we are supposed to suddenly adjust and adapt to the ways of our husband and his family which is so UNFAIR! Due to all this we are definitely exposing ourselves to emotional abuse.

3.We definitely find it difficult to walk out of our homes A) due to the conditioning all our lives and B) due to our children who we believe require both the parents! Not Fair! If your husband is such a wimp and he cannot take up for you and hasn't the gall to stand by your side when you are being emotionally abused then imagine what such a father would do to your child. He is an unnecessary baggage to you and can be set aside. May be for the time being till he realises that you consider him extra baggage till he can find the guts to give up his parents and come and live with you in peace.

4. We definitely have a right to be happy and not neglect ourselves....we are human after all!

Now I seem to have answered all your questions and find that there is something missing here. You have been tolerating,fighting and struggling you say......but have you ever tried reasoning?A lot of times being the injured party we get so bitter that we fail to see reason. We feel that the only way out of this is by fighting.....but have you tried turning the tables on them? Have you tried working in the same manner as your in laws have and dealing them the same hand that they have dealt you? Maybe...just maybe your husband is bitter with you because your in-laws have succeeded in showing you in a bad light. Maybe you have tried to explain to your husband that you were the injured party and the guy is so overcome with anger for you and pity for his parents that he fails to see right from wrong.

Look Neha there is NO right and wrong where the games with inlaws are concerned.....there is only the law of the jungle and that is survival of the smartest in this case! You have to understand that you have played into their hands for 8 long years and have learnt nothing at all till date. Now is your chance to sit down and analyse where all you have been fooled by them and have had to take the blame for no reason. Walking out is very good but why do that? You married this guy with some dreams of living together and growing old together and they have been shattered alright but don't just let it go.....by walking out you are handing them his freedom from you on a platter. why play into their hands?

Now you ahve a happy and safe pregnancy and figure out how and where you have played into their hands all this time. Also figure out how you can turn the tables on them in their very manner. Hey I seem to have given you a lot of advice and am not even sure about how you have been harrassed by your inlaws till date and how badly off your relationship with your husband is. It would help to know to give you some more specific advice.....what I have done just now is to give you some general advice because this harrassment issue is something most of us suffer from. So if you think you want to get more specific try it and will try n' help you as best as I can.