Relationships  Discussion Forum

I do not know how to start. I am really frustrated. Sometimes I feel no one is there to tell the things. But I found this forum at last so that by writing here I think I might feel a bit relaxed.

We just got married couple of months back and soon after marriage I have come here to USA. Back home,at my In law's place, Every time I found comparision in between me and their daughter. After a year and half of our engagement, we got married- so everytime and in every matter just comparisons, I have seen. I don’t know much household work and I don’t even like to do all the time that stuff only. I have been far from my parents all the time because of my studies so many a household stuff I might not know compared to other girls who have studied at parents’ place only. I like to watch good programs on television also.

I felt there many a times that, they don’t like if I take a bit long in the bathroom for shower. It was just too much for me. Every time I heard “My daughter is very active, she doesn’t do this, and She does everything very well and this and that and so many a things……. “My daughter has been out of India for years but whenever she comes here she never wears jeans or so…..She has not changed a bit.” Again this and that and blah blah blah…

After my engagement when I first went to my IL’s place, I really didn’t have good Indian dresses with me of my proper size because I had been to out of India for my studies so back home at first I had to get those clothes of my size. And frankly speaking, I really love to wear jeans and t-shirt, of course I know that it should look decent on me and I have worn only those kind of stuff which were decent on me.

They always favor their daughter in front of me. I never had any appreciation for anything. Every time I felt prejudice.

In every matter, I felt direct/indirect comparison. I was just fed up of all that.
When I was coming here, they insisted me to stay with my sister in law, (who is married too,) instead of staying with my husband. They argued that my sister in law has done a lot for my husband when my husband was studying here. He used to stay with my SIL during his studies here. They had a doubt on me that I only must have told something to my husband so that he was telling his parents that my wife should join me not my sister. I really have not played any role in that matter.

Previously I tried under different visa category and I got rejected many a times by US consulate and at last after marriage finally I got visa so it was a big thing for me. But instead of saying good words, everytime I was told that I was lucky enough because I got visa immediately after marriage and in SIL's case, she had to wait for a year or so.
I arrived here a month after my husband arrived. So when my husband told my INL's on the phone that my ticket should be booked to the place where I am, not to sister's place, at that time, they didnt tell him a single word but at home everyone's behavior changed with me. They scold me that I should have explained to my husband that I would stay with my SIL, I didnt tell him anything means I am only not interested in staying with my SIL. I cried a lot, nobody has ever talked to me like this before.

I straight away called my husband, and when my husband calld them back at home, my FIL said to him that he hasnt taught my husband like this that he has forgot his sister today. My husband should only have said sister is a priority not wife. And again lots of arguments....

My husband too argued a lot but at last he also had to say them to do as per their wish. Anyhow, at last I have reached my husband in USA.
And again after coming here, My sister in law stopped talking to us. Her husband changed the job and she had to go to stay with her In laws, So again she was blaming my husband that If I would have stayed with her, She might have avoided staying with her In laws. We tried a lot to convince her that we should forget the differences but she couldn’t understand.

So my husband thought to tell his father about this and he did so....but here also, they took it negatively. Again on the phone, they started blaming us that we had done a wrong thing and my husband is taking care of his wife- means me only. Now at this point, I really could not understand what many a things my husband has done for me only and not for them that again and again they were blaming us.
This time I really really hurt. I was ready to forget all the things happened back home with me but this time I felt like they really think everytime of their daughter only. How could they forget that I am also someone's daughter and my parents also have same emotions for me as they are having for their daughter?

I really am too much frustrated. Now the thing is: I am not at all able to forget anything. During weekends whenever my husband calls his parents, every time I have to pretend to be a nice DIL and have to talk to them well on the phone.

My husband tells me that now every time they ask him about me, my health and soooo........but now I am not ready to believe in all this.. My husband says that whatever he is today is only because of his parents. So I have to be nice with them. Now he has started believing I am not behaving well with him and his parents.

AT my In laws place, for everything, servants are there, so every time my husband says me , I have suffered nothing. I have not done much household work there , I have not cooked there then how can I say that I am not happy? but my point is: all these luxuries of life, dont make strong bond in the relations. In relations, If no one has any affection for me, then how can I feel the same for them?

I cant enjoy life with my husband here. My husband is a very nice person. but when his parents and sister come into the picture, he believes that they are right only. He calls everyday to his sister. That also I dont mind. But when I say something, nowadays I feel that he doesn’t understand me.
In her sister's case, when I say that her IL's talk nicely on the phone then he says that on the phone, anyone can be nice. See the difference!! when I say that I dont feel anything good when my IL's talk to me nicely on the phone, then he says that I m not good. but in her sister's case, the same thing has different perspective!!

In money matter also if I say something to my husband, he says if my parents ask more money then also I will give them. You don’t interfere in this matter.

I am not against in sending money to parents but we also have certain things to pay off here. We are not able to manage our bank balance many a times here….then at this point it’s very difficult.

Once we get properly settled then he can send money I don’t mind. And they are living nicely in India. They really don’t need any money from us. They have renovated their house there and all…So they can cut out some of the expenses there and give us time to get settled here first. But no one is ready to understand. And I should better say that now lastly again after I have reached here when they again blamed us, I really hurt and I don’t know now I don’t feel like talk to them by heart. So main thing here for me is not even for money---every time I can not come out of thinking my past experiences and I go crazy.

My husband also doesn’t understand me. He tells me I am wrong. But I am telling him that When I got engaged I thought I would treat them as my parents, But now when I am not getting any affection from them, I also don’t feel any attachment to them. If you don’t love someone, how can u expect someone loves u and behaves well with you?

It’s hard for me to come out of all these stuff.

I was in fantasy of a very good supportive in laws and a happy life before engagement. But now I have come to know the reality.

I can’t tell everything to my parents also because I don’t want to make them worried. And I know that even if I say them, they will tell me to remain calm and find a solution, they will never advice me to fight against.

I have got international Masters' degree, but after all these, I think what the use of education is if I cant resist the situation or cant behave well? Many a times, I ask myself \";have I made any mistake?\";, \";am I wrong anywhere?\"; I am really confused.


kk replied. Hey don’t feel bad about it.i am facing the same problem with my myself. I also have a SIL who irritates me so much and my MIL thinks that she is the most intelligent,smart and bold girl. She is so taunting person. Not that she has ill treated me or something but whenever she comes I really get upset. She has a good house and a good hubby also but still keeps on cribbing my MIL about her in laws.
My MIL thinks that how upset is her daughter and keeps on giving her things on occasions. Its ok, I don’t mind but atleast she should not interfere in our lives. Believe me I myself don’t like her but then think that she is only sister of my hubby,I don’t want to spoil my relation between them. in such cases u have to keep patience.
di bh replied. Hey you are a smart educated woman. You have a loving husband. Ultimately this is what matters. Do not let in laws or anybody to ruin the good times u can have with your husband.try to volunteer or study it will help u pass time.
Yes for a few days u will remember but once u keep your mind occupied then u will have less of these thoughts.best of luck. Swathy replied. Absolutely U dont do any mistakes. what s ur visa status ? Y cant u find a job so that u can be busy. if not possible, try to work something volunteerly.

Mostly, Early stage of marriage will be like that only. U dont wooorry. Even I have faced the same type of problem soon after I got married.

sincere advice :

1. Dont react to this situation. Be cool.
2. Dont retaliate ur hubby/inlaws with their thot/saying. it will lead to worse situation.
3. Try to Be nice with them, If not possible u just act a bit . No need to pour extra luv .just have cosmetic smile while talking and meeting. Thats all :-)

If u open ur mouth it 'll spoil ur relationship. So thou u have some hurtings from them u dont hurt them. That too u r here at USA, Anyway u dont have much direct conatct so no problem.

I know very well that hurt willl be there ( thou I have been married for 4 yrs stll I'll pinpt the things which my inlaws did to me . But its no way going to help) Better dont spoil our mood on this useless matter .

Be happy here... Let us forget those incedents:-)

di bh replied. hey,you are a smart woman.You have good education too. you can try for a job. It will keep you occupied whole day and rest of the time will be quality time with your husband. then u will have the option of telling your sil that i cant make trips to you as i wont get leave.
hey i have been in same situation from 4 yrs. I live in US. i have only one sil. she is in India. But my in laws feels she is the most mature in the house. and every tom dick and harry shud take her suggestion in any decision and STICK WITH IT.When i was not even engaged but was about to she bought a filthy saree for me and bragged she thot i will look good in that. if she had known her brother wud have married me she wudnt have agreed and in turn my husband as i am from a very well off family and my co sis is from a poor family so she gets to boss around her she cant do that to me so she was making a foul face on engagement day itself.Whenever my husband wanted to speak to me alone on that day she used to come b/n and ask me stupid questions.my husband only met me second time the engagement day as the difference b/n him seeing me and engagement was only 2 days . he came from us for 1 month and wanted to get married in that time and get back.after marriage he left for US after 2 days and i left 2 days after him. When he wanted to pack for his travel his sis threw a huge fit telling me oh i pack for him all the time. what pack he only came to us once as a student and next time to get married .then my husband said my wife will do it thats it .she didnt leave our room for long time. then she was ironing his shirt and got electric shock and hugged my husband in front of me. as though he is healer and then series of things . i had it and after coming here and after 3 yrs i blasted both my fil and sil on fone. She wanted that my husband take her suggestion and get back to india and forget staying here.but i disagreed and told her not to interfere i dont know my husband didnt say anything when i told her that .so i assumed he agreed. now also she is making all efforts to convince my husband to get back. the only thing which will come out of him going there is he will become a loser. those people can bring their own family down.the only thing matters to her is she shud be seeing us everyday and seeing our lives go to bottom and enjoy it.But lace it with words like oh we are there to support you and we are family we have good intentions for u and your wife is a witch separating us. She did it with her other brother and wants to do the same to my husband.But my husband knowingly or unknowingly hasnt still made up his mind to go back so good for me.
the point of this is over the years husband realize wife;s value and your husband will too. Only thing is to keep patience and dont spend your days worrying about all these things and keeping yourself occupied job or study and spend quality time with husband.best of luck. Anubhavi replied. Hey Pari....what you are facing is nothing, really...believe me ! And the one and only solution i can think of is to occupye yourself in a really great, demanding and satisfying job and get totally immersed in it !! Not to mean that you should ignore your husband or home....but demanding mental activity which keeps you on toes and tires you out at the end of the day, is one wonderful remedy to forget such petty issues of married life and divert your energy more creatively. Also, it will bring you another big advantage....financial self dependence and loads of self esteem !
Household management, according to me, is not at all as tough in USA as in India, that too for a small-nuclear family of a couple ! Daily household chores are much more simpler, non-tiring and faster in US than in India ! Plus, you can slightly fine-polish your skills of cooking, house-keeping etc. by referring diff relevant websites....it's really very easy....doesn't take much work dear,just a positive approach, nothing more !
And the most important thing is to maintain peace between two of you...yourself and your husband ! Whatever his parents might have done, despite of knowing and understanding the fact, he will NEVER EVER leave them....know this very clearly and bear it in your mind ALWAYS !! So...why do you want to say bad things about them to him and spoil your own image in front of him? Yes, you don't have to take any nonsense quietly, but at least TRAIN your mind to ignore and remain unshakable whenever such things happen. Having a peaceful environment at home is extremely important for your own mental health and balance after a long, busy day at work....so conciously figure out your strategies towards building up a peaceful, harmonious environment at home and keeping mentally busy all the time, not leaving any scope for such 'faltu' stuff at all !!! Good luck...
Life is really very precious...every moment is very important...use them in making them worthwhile for you in whatever way you like to, but please please don't waste it in such an unimportant people (as your in-laws) and situations created by them....Be your own good self, and ENJOY LIFE before it slips away..... Shanthi replied. These incidents you explained in detail is very common.just ignore them.concentrate on your life, since you got a masters degree , find a job.be creative, there is no point in analysing & trying to find an answer for these problems.and let me tell you something, the problems what you are faceing is nothing in front of so many other girls..so just chill..