Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi all,
I was just browsing the net & heres what one dil Kaloni had to say to another member in one of the websites: www . ihatemyinlaws . com


First there is no hard and fast rule in life...some things work for some and doesn’t for others...all depends on the individual , personality make , luck , culture , surroundings and of course one’s correlation with the others…

Regarding our living arrangements we do take care of them financially…and we do have separate kitchens… although Indian DILS are supposed to cook for the family things have changed now…..I do my own cooking and my husband helps me equally with all my housework whatever be it cooking , house work , washing etc etc…
My mil does her share and so does my SIL in their own kitchen…my DH and my timings are kind of reverse…cos we run a software business and we need to follow US timings…this is in the case we don’t have domestic help…last few months we have a full time cook how ever…so my SIL and FIL has dinner with us in our dining room …whenever mil is unwell we do send her the meals but she does her own cooking as she needs to have a restricted diet due to health reasons.….both the floors has its own living rooms , guest rooms , bedrooms….so my in laws as well as us have our own privacy ,guests , parties except for the dining part on regular days….so that’s the scenario…
There are friends and cousins of mine who live with in-laws in adjacent apartments so that they have their own freedom to do things in every respect even dining and cooking but at the same time live close with their in-laws…..

If u were supposedly married to this bf of yours and living together with in-laws these were the things which is a must and you wud have needed to follow…..you need to have separate kitchens…cos kitchen is a one woman domain…two women means power struggle the world over let it be India or any other country….although since we run a software business and our office is set up on our floor some of our employees use my kitchen for snacks and major meals ( we provide them dinner) sometimes but they know my rules and how I like my kitchen to be after use , so they follow those rules strictly….but the older generation are very rigid in some matters altogether…here in India the older generation are very hygienic and traditional about using the kitchen…although my own mother was a high school graduate and a housewife unlike my mil who has a doctorate degree and was an exprincipal of a college , my mom was an emancipated woman and very modern in her ways and outlook whereas mil is an orthodox and overly religious person….so in mil’s kitchen you need to have a bath in the morning before using it in case of married woman and never enter the kitchen when you have your period…and she is very fussy and picky when other people use the kitchen…now don’t get scared cos this was not the case in my mom’s house nor in the whole of my friend’s circle houses too so this was a shock to me too when I first got married …but this definitely exists in some Indian homes…so in case u decided to marry ur boy friend these were the logical reasons u needed to give him as to why you need to have separate kitchens…and also Indian Hindus , Sikhs don’t have beef in their kitchen….so these was one of the strong reasons u cud have used…I am a vegetarian too unlike my DH and his family but not rigid so whenever my DH prefers chicken or meat he does his own cooking or my cook does it for all…


Nowadays Indian couples need to move away from their parents and their towns of births to metropolitan cities due to their jobs and the new generation are very different from the older generation so it is really working for a lot of couples as they live a separate independent life in another city…and also most Indian parents at old age are very reluctant to move abroad…Indians both young and old as a race get homesick elsewhere outside India more so in case of older generation so am not sure whether even ur future in-laws wud have been willing to live with u at all so far away from their country…so u need to find that out…I needed to move to a smaller city due to our business requirements so my living arrangements doesn’t reflect all over India especially metropolitan cities…

But all said and done looking after your parents financially is definitely a part of the Indian culture and psychology..…cos as I told before culturally that’s how Indians grow up…they are looked after parents right from childhood till they are well settled and wedded. This is the way ‘I’ think and am sure this same pattern of thinking runs in your fiancé’s mind too - My parents have given me nothing but love ad care all of my life till they have sweated and broken their backs and never expected anything in return… from my own heart without any pressure I wud like to give them a happy old age and rest…I wud like those old and weary hands to rest , have vacations and have a gud old age and enjoy life just as they have given me a happy childhood and youth…I am not saying or judging that is the right way but that’s how people feel here…and also with due respects to all cultures factually there is a general feeling in India that US is great for the middle stage of life almost like paradise but the young stage and old stage especially is very sad , miserable and troubled….…anyway in my own life I wud never interfere with my DH helping and looking after his parents or maybe his relatives just as he wont interfere with mine…in fact I support him just like he does me….so that covers the financial part…also Indians are very family oriented…even after marriage there are days I spend at my sister’s or aunt’s place …so also my cousins , nieces /nephews come and spend their vacations with us and we have a great time without thinking too much about money and expenses….

Then last of all you asked whether I had seen Indian and foreign marriages working again as I said there are no hard and fast rules…it all depends…I have two cousins married to foreigners…one is married to a Russian girl who I know closely…she is a very popular DIL…my aunt is all praises for her…but they live in US…so its not so difficult…as I told u few parents move abroad at this age…both uncle and aunt are very busy with their own lives and their other sons and DILs and with their own priorities….

Also most of the time PILs are more tolerant towards foreign DILS than their Indian counterparts cos they are already mentally prepared to adjust as they know it is altogether a foreign culture…so even if the foreign DIL does something of a inch its like a yard compared to an Indian DIL and they are all praises…

Last of all generally speaking I feel you shud always be yourself whether be an Indian or a non Indian it doesn’t matter…never suffer quietly..speak it out and keep things clear….don’t give in silently just for the moment…when u go on doing things foreign to ur nature just to please people then they take you for granted till one day all those silent resentments burst out with all that bottled up pressure and become very ugly ….maybe in the beginning there will be a lot of disagreements and tension but later they will have to accept you as you are…at least give them a chance to change too…I do everything that I feel is right…even western gears is not accepted in my MIL’s family but I wear what I like …also my MIL is a very religious and orthodox person…me on the other hand like my parents although I strongly believe in God yet I am a very liberal and a non religious person …so in many ways from the very beginning I did what I liked , lived how I liked and now they have accepted me as I am.. …sometimes if you feel you can’t tell them certain things outright to their face cos it makes you awkward or because of their age then let ur husband do the talking…first tell them firmly and strongly about what u like and what u don’t…if it turns into a heated argument then tell ur piece and walk off and let DH do the talking cos they are his parents and they tend to accept it better coming from their own son’s mouth than an outsider….....see life will not be perfectly smooth all the time…there will be little laughter little disagreements here and there…but that’s what life’s all about…if its perfect its boring…even in my side of the family I don’t get along with my brother…but I am quick to jump to his defense if an outsider says something against him…my DH knows this tension I have with my brother and he too rubs the wrong way with him…but he never makes any passing comment against my brother cos he knows that he is my brother and any remark against him will hurt me…so why cant I afford the same consideration towards his side of the family and stop nagging him about it all the time…things have changed where even my MIL knows these tensions between my brother and me but she never makes any petty remarks…but tells me instead to be patient and with time things will change…my SIL was a spoilt brat when we first married…always wanting my things , making cutting remarks and expected me to wait on her hand and foot…I never gave into her tantrums…nor let her walk all over me, showed her just how she couldn’t get away with all her pettiness…and nowadays she has changed and how much…helps me with house work if required…never makes petty or cutting remarks , never asks for my personal things and we chat like buddies….so that’s how it is…I have laid my life for all to see…but I hope it helps u…but the end of it , its all ur decision and what u want…I love my DH too much…. I cud go to the ends of the earth for him…but then he feels the same for me too…if he was a wimp and mama’s boy it wud have been a different story altogether …but he is such a loving Husband …one single tear from me is enough for him to sound his parents off and tell him just what he thinks…sometimes so much that I have to tell him to be less belligerent and cool off…so my PILs know that hurting me is equal to having displeasure from their son….so end of it all it works for both of us…

So its all upto ur FDH , circumstances and ur own mental make up and personality of how far you can go…first year of marriage is always very hard…and for relationships to work there must be give and take as well as patience and tolerance…In one of the posts Wanna be friendly was very right when she said about our generation having less tolerance…cos a little bit of tolerance without letting people walk all over you can create wonders in this world..…
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Kaloni minu replied. A VERY WONDERFUL ARTICLE Meethi replied. Priya, well-said by Kaloni! I quite agree...but,lucky are those who have such loving and caring-to-understand hubbies.You can stand up against whole world if your own person is with you! Lots and lots of women in India do not share the similar luck that Kaloni is blessed with and things worsen for them. Basically,if a woman is not happy with her better-half,doesn't feel love,intimacy,affection and acceptance from him and loaded with tonnes of expectations then she is bound to feel emotionally exploited and when such feelings pile up they only yield destructive results over a period of time..either on family or on her own self.
As i think further on this issue, i also strongly feel that as female-education is spreadin,increasing all over india and among the indian culture all-over the world, indian males are not being \" prepared\" or \" tuned up\" equally to match with her mentally-emotionally!Almost every educated indian guy wants an educated,smart,intelligent woman as a wife--still better if she can financially also support---but in return they are not prepared to compliment her in a \" trained\" manner....for example,not every husband helps willingly in cooking,grocery shopping,cleaning,baby-sitting etc. when his wife comes back home after a long working day,equally tiring and exhausting as it is for him!!!! In fact, much lesser % of men understand,realize this...majority of them still sit in front of TV watching thier favourite show while wife is slogging through another job in kitchen and with kids!!! If men of present generation fail to understand this,then you can not even dream of his parents (previous generation)supporting the whole idea.
I think, if today's educated mothers realize this and \" prepare\" and \" train\" their sons right from the tender age (like how we teach daughters for their future life at in-laws' place from childhood and \" condition\" them with a correct attitude towards the future female generation (instead of thinking that DIL has made her son a hen-packed servant of hers), then the whole scenario will definitely improve!!!
What do you say,friends? Please comment and share your views......!!!