Relationships  Discussion Forum

hi,iam a married women of 30+,married 10 yrs back.i dont know weather any one would have patience to listen my story,any way i shall start.like any other girl i also had a dream of having a caring n loving husband but after marriage i came to know that he accepted me on certain promises like apart from 'dahej' ,i would also work and a job for him in US,but we couldnt fulfill any of these so the problems arised every time quarrels and to my bad luck i have 2 kids who r school goers.he would always abuse me for his position though he is in IT.HE WOULD ALso abuse before kids ,which is giving them a linience.my son most of the times wont bother,when my MIL is with us ,she keeps comparing with his 2nd son n his kids before all of us saying that he is rather happy than my hubby.she keeps saying that all this is because of their fate ,they had such a useless me,though iam doing my job as a mom and as wife and as dil.somehow they have a gredge on me,iam not against working iam a commerce PGite only thing is with no job experience .my mils influnce is alot on my hubby .she plays a dual role.my hubby dont care for me believe he he never bought any clothes or gifts for me .when iam sick also he doesnt t ake care only thing is he is giving food,ofcurse never bothers to ask me wheather i had my food in all these years,he keeps shouting if he had to spend more on anything.if anything goes wrong i will be blamed ,for good there is nothing ,he will always try to put me down hurting my feelings ,he also speaks bad abouit my parents.i will also yell and quarrel starts,kids are growing now they r 6n9,they might feel iam only bad 'cause they r not awareof the facts.iam unable to control my anger ,i feel like ending my life ,looks like iam a failure.please help me!with best way to get rid of this ,i have no friends around to share. saheli replied. Hi Anaamika,
I was very touched to hear your story mainly because I have gone through a lot of what you just described here. And I am sure that your life is not that cheap that you want to end it for people like your husband and in-laws.
Saheli, nobody can help you if you don't help yourself not me or anybody on this board. I have 2 kids and my in-laws live with me and my husband has made my life miserable all these years too. He insulted my parents, killed my self-esteem and his parents spoilt our relationship. The only difference is that I always worked. I went to school here and then got a job. And I have decided that I can leave a husband but not the job:)
So here first thing is build your confidence and try getting some kind of part-time or full-time job.

Take up any sales or bank job for now if you think you cannot get anything related to your field. Working makes you feel good about yourself. You go out, make friends and feel important.
Secondly, stop fighting in front of your kids. Sometimes when I am angry and fight, my kids feel I am bad one especially boys. And my husband very smartly says something mean to me and then puts a smiling face in front of kids whereas I use to yell and yell after that. And my husband use to very pleasantly ask as to why I am screaming for no reason. And kids thought the same too. I am trying to change that. He says very mean things to me but I am trying to control my anger. Anger management is something you should learn. Very important in life. Use your anger to achieve your means and don't let it go waste by simply yelling. If you are angry at your husband, use that anger to do something positive for yourself.
Take your kids for activities, games and to play with other kids. Remember kids will also only respect you if you are strong and self confident. Be a woman in control. You are educated so you should know better than to end your life for nothing. Your kids need you so try to live happily for them. Why don't you involve yourself deeply in their activities and studies. Don't expect from your husband and don't fight either. Just ignore what he or his mom has to say. And if at all you want to reply back then do it with a smile on your face. THey need to payback for what they did to you but do it pleasantly.
My mil keeps playing politics and I have started playing her game too. I am very nice on the face but under that I give a damn to my duties as a dil or a wife. Look out for yourself. Take care of your health. Do excercise to build your stamina and strength. It really helps. Eat healthy and try to make friends with your kids classmates parents. This is just to hangout with.
Actually I am suggesting whatever Anu suggested here I guess.
But don't wallow in self-pity. It does no good. If you are strong then one day your husband will also learn to care and respect you. It comes with time. After 10 years now my husband shows some respect or concern for me. But I don't need that anymore coz I know what I am. I give a damn to everybody in the house. For me only my kids exist in the house.
Say things in loud but not rude voice. It helps your confidence. If at all somebody says something, don't reply at all. That's the best insult for them.
Take Care and keep us posted of how you are feeling...
Cheers
Saheli ANU replied. Dear anamika,
I clearly know what you might be going through. I went through the same thing. I also had dreams about loving and caring husband. But, life brought me the exact opposite. I got married soon after my graduation and came here to the U.S. My husband never cared about me or my health. Never said or did any thing that made me happy. I used to cry my eyes out each and every day. I am a commerce graduate too.
When I was in labor with my first kid, he fought with me for absolutely no reason and did not talk to me until it was time to go to the hospital. He admitted me in the hospital and slept while I was in pain. The fact that he was able to sleep in that situation hurt me more than the labor itself. I did not want to live through that. But when my son was finally born, I decided to live for him. I put my son in the first place.I stopped worrying about what my hubby says about me or my parents. I prayed and prayed to God to change the situation. When my son was 3, I got a small job opportunity at in a local company. It was a small job but I took it. I knew that I can be treated with respect in this family only if I can make money. It was a temp. job. I used to work a lot. I did not quit even when I was pregnant with my second child. I was pregnant with two and misscarried one because of the stress. Everyone liked me at the office. They let me work from home after the birth of my daughter. She is about 11mos old now. A vacancy opened up in the same company for a full time job. I applied for it and they hired me.
Since I started working, things began to change. My husband now cares about my feelings. He started helping me out in the household work and with kids. It's a total 180 degree change. But, I am more happy not about the change that I brought in my husband. I am happy about what I made of myself.
Since your story is the same as mine, I'll tell you what worked for me.
1. Stop crying in front of your husband. It makes them think that we are weak and they can walk all over us.
1. Believe in yourself and your abilities. We are stronger than men in many aspects. We can do anything that they can do. Making money is a lot easier than giving birth and raising kids.
2. Keep smiling all day and live for your kids. Take care of yourself. Put yourself and kids in the first place. Do something that does not cost you money and that makes you happy. Since my hubby did not want to spend money on me, I used to clean the whole house and perfume it. It would make me real happy.
3. Do not ignore your health for your family. Start exercising. Make yourself stronger from within. Tell yourself every morning that you are not going to kill yourself for anybody.
4. Stop fighting with your husband in front of your kids. It is really hard to control anger when someone who is supposed to be your best friend is hurting you. But, we have to do it for the sake of our kids. I did it. I used to tell myself that I cannot make him close his mouth when he says something to hurt me. So, I chose to just disregard whatever rude comments he made about me or my family.
5. We are in love with our hubbys no matter what. One day, my husband said that I was the reason for his misery. I was nothing but trouble to him. He said those words on my birthday. I just smiled and kept quied because my son was watching. I hugged my son and went back into the kitchen to cook. That night, I held his hands and told him that his words really hurt me and I wanted him to be my best friend. I think it touched him. From then, I started telling him what I liked or did not like instead of bursting into tears and starting a fight.
6. Prayer has power. We can win anything when we are fighting for a good cause and when we have got God on our side. So pray and pray to God to make things better for you. Imagine yourself has a soldier.
Take up any job and start making money. Be happy with yourself. You have done a very good job at taking care of your family. Never think of ending your life. No body is worth it. Do not let anybody's words let you down. You will be able to get through this. You just have to keep working on it.
For moral support, you can count on myself and all the ladies in this group. Good luck....and take care.