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Hi
My marriage was in the year 2001 jan and we moved to USA during the end of FEB.with in this one and half month my husbands attitude was entirely different than what i thought(As he was in US we used to share e-mails and he seemed to be a lovable person) But on the 2nd day itself he woked me up early and asked me to help his mom in doing the household chores..there is nothing wrong in it..but i could'nt digest to his behaviour hat he wanted me to dance according to his mothers Tune..My MIL will ask me to change me to saree after i finish dressing up in Salwar and so on whih was very annoying...i could'nt decide even about my dressing..My FIL is a person of very possevie about his son and will become very upset and act differently when we both go out.So the mis understanding started before we left for US.Anyways,we landed in US in end of feb 2001 .after going there i came to know that he was in BENCH.he did'nt tell me that .for one month he did not go for a job.and in the month of MAY my in-laws came to visit us for 6 monts and which was like hell to me and i dont want this situation happn even to my worst enemy...after they went the situaion was little ok and i conceived and again the problem started...My MIL wanted me to come to INDIA for delivery and my parent should not come to assist me here.As we were having the Visa problem we could'nt travel to india and my husband called his parents and they refused to come so my parents(MY dad had to quit his job) came at the end of my 9th month..again this whole thing was very stressful to me...i could'nt enjoy my 1st pregnency..after this they became angry and would never talk to me...i came to India for vacation with my 6 months old baby and MIL & FIL did'nt even come and receive me in the airport.i felt so humiliated and obviously i went to my parents place...to my husbands request i went and stayed there for a week where i was treated like a stray dog...i was back to US and after a year again they came for the second visit and this time it was to the full extreme and i atttempted to sucide(I realise now how sillyto act like that but the situation made be to do that even my husband wont be supportive when they arrive)no one to share my feelings.MIL never let me enter the kitchen when she is in INDIA or when she vists us..she will ignore me and serve food for his son.and my husband wont utter a single word and will finish his lunch or dinner or whatever it is with out even calling me atleast for courtysy..wih my kid i suffered a deep depression and just to take care of her i tried to overcome by not to think about what has happened to me...So so far what ever happened, my husband wont ask even a single wod to his parents.I havent seen such a person in my life time..My side persons are very kind even to the strangers so i expected the same from my MIL and FIL but they were very arrogant,superstisious and possesive..Well,in 2004 i dont know what happened,suddenly one day my husband told me that his extention has been denied and so we have to leave for INDIA..i as very much shocked and could'nt do anything apart from crying for myself...He told we can put everything in Storage and can return back after getting fresh visa..i accepted it and came to INDIA with him and stayed with his parents,,again their problem started and whenever he was away for work they use to create a problem and put the blame on me.one day they asked me to leave the house and i just said no since my husband was away and i told i wont leave unless he comes and says so...after that so many misunderstandings and i begged my husband to take me seperately as we were having a kid and i was pregnent with my second one..my husband said he wont do so and asked to say in my parents place for some times..i refused and i did all the work for my self and for my 1st kid till my 9th month..(My Mil will cook and serve only for his son)for delivery i had to come to my moms place.i dont know what brain wash has been done to my husband ,he is not taking any steps to go back to US.I dont know what happened to our things there? he started to rennovate his parents house and asked me to stay in my moms place till it is completed ...now my second baby is 5 months and it is very depressing to stay in my moms place for such a long time with out knowing what is happening there and My elder kid is also depressed cause she is not getting the full attention.I told him so many times that the first one needs attention,and the need for my husband in taking care of our children..but he is not at all caring...just visits every fortnigh and be there for a hour or two and go back...in the mean time they(MIL,FIL and my husband) planned a trip and went to the hill station for a week in summer.I am not jealous but will this happen to anybody? when i am suffering with my kids he wants to be leisure?I cannot explain what i am undergoing and there are so many things left out which i cannot type in this single topic...Now i dont want to go back and live with my In-laws again which is like going back to the HELL and dont know how to change my husbands mind...very much desperate and going through severe stress which i cannot express it out for the sake of my children.I love my husband to full extreme and i cannot even think to leave him(i am tolerating everything for his sake and especially for my kids).Please suggest me how to over come this situation? and lead a peaceful life hi replied. dear friend

don't be in such a depressed stage dear .
first thing i want to tell u dear is u had gone thru a lot. i know dear, u r a really strong girl. from now onwards, think clearly. DON'T EVER LET UR LOVE TOWARDS UR HUSBAND BLIND U. marriage s not the end and IT IS NOT OUR PURPOSE IN THIS LIFE.
dear friend, i thnk nowadays in India it is not much difficult to find a job.
find a job for urself. u r n ur mothers house, so u can go for work while ur mother look after ur kids.

dear, i'll not say u have to go to ur husband. u can love him. IN UR MIND. don't that feeling, let u humliate urself. u r a human being and u r to be treated gracefully and u have the right to be happy AND ENJOY LIFE.
so don't wait for ur husband. u know what, let him go , do whatever he wants,let him be with his parents.

but u have responsbilities, ur kids. bring them up to be brave and strong. MAKE THEM HAPPY AND LET THEM ENJOY THEIR CHILDHOOD. THEY HAVE THAT RIGHT TOO. because ur husband is blind with something, that dosen't means ur life is ended. YOU HAVE MUCH MORE TO DO.

PRAY PRAY ALWAYS .LET GOD WORK FOR U. NOW ITSELF CLEAR UR MIND. PRAY READ HOLY BOOK WEHICH U LIKE.

TIS DAY TSELF U START THAT DEAR. NEW BEGINING. OF A HAPPY AND RESPONSBLE LIFE.
GOD BLESS U LOVE U .
WE TOO Manasi replied. Dear SSi,

It was really sad to read your message.

Crying, thinking about the past is not going to change the reality. If your husband did not give you the basic support right from the initial days of marriage, you cannot expect any support from him even after 4 years...He is the same right from the beginning. I appreciate the suggesstions and the questions given by Bhavna and Neha, you can try it out once... but don't expect a positive answer from your husband..

My advice for you is that DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING FROM ANYONE... Our expectations make us more feeble... I know it may sound odd, but what I have experienced is this....

We leave our home after marraige EXPECTING you will have a good husband...a good family...a good life!
Your EXPECTATIONS did not give you what you expected...
So why not to expect the unexpected????

Start preparing yourself right from this moment so that you become strong enough to face the world ... you have to be strong for your kids...
You said you are a PG and have done a lot of courses in computers, this much qualification is good enough to get a decent job.

You said there are no day care centers in your area...I do not know how old is your elder kid, but there must be few schools where in you can put your elder child, so that he interacts with other children of his age and come out of this depression... Ask the school authorities if they can offer you some kind of part time teaching job or so, no matter what it is... so that you can see your elder child whenever you want...and even the baby can stay at home with your parents for few hours... this way...you can help your elder child as well as yourself to come out of this situation... The baby is toooo young to understand your depression right now... but YOU have to stand on your own feet till he starts understanding... I Personally would not like to see small kids to see their mother as a feeble person.... seriously!!!

- When your younger child is sleeping take out all your computer books and start revising so that you prepare for an interview...
- You can ask anyone who is close to you (If not your parents, your sister / bro/ friend ) to come with you or babysit the baby for few hours till you attend the interview...

I would like to know your qualification, as I work in the HR department and have done a lot of Recruitment work... I hope I can help you out...Do let me know your email ID where I can send you an email so that you can reply with your resume...

See, SSi... Whatever has happened, its PAST...why do you want to ignore your FUTURE thinking of the PAST??? You hve 2 beautiful adorable kids...Do you want to ruin their life as well, by getting so depressed that you end your life...Think about what would the kids do when they dont see their mother, who is such a kind, and a strong woman!!!

I SUGGEST DO NOT THINK ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND / INLAWS.... If they have any feelings for you, they will return back to you...and even if they do not....YOU HAVE TO LOOK AFTER YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS...

DO NOT GET DISHEARTENED!!!

I am with you...
Do not worry
look after yourself & your kids... a replied. hi ssi,

My heart became heavy as I read your message. You are a good women, a great mother and a devoted wife. God is always with good people, so something good will definately come along your way. You already have it, two sweet, innocent children.
In reading your message, here's what bothers me. Why is your husband keeping secrets from you. Why isn't he telling you what the plans are, i.e he was on bench, the visa expired, his intentions of going back...What is he really planning? Did he just want to get you and your children away from him and his family? How do you know he doesn't have a second family that he is planning. I agree what I said is an extreme, but he's not planning and communicating with you. From what you said, i can see how irresponsible and ignorant he has been. but when does he communicate with you?
If you would like to get back together with him, ask him...write him a letter, or arrange a private meeting with him. Ask him boldly and clearly. Do not cry or show any emotions towards him. Because he'll take that as a sign of your weakness. 1. Where is our marriage? 2. Why aren't our children, you and I living together as a family? 3. Why don't our children get to see their father? 4. Do you care about this family? It doesn't look like from what you are doing?
My question to you -- is your husband working in India, after he returned? If not, you can say, to raise our children we need more income. so i'm trying for a job and need you to look at the children when I go for interview. Maybe, if he spends more time with kids, he'll see and feel his family otherwise, the only people he's in touch with are his parents. So I may try to find way for you to get your children close to their father. Unless ofcourse, if you think he's not trustworthy and is irresponsible with the kids. Somehow, ask his help in taking care of the children. Like helping with school work or something.
Also, bring up the issue of where are you to live. Tell him, you don't want to put stress on your parents (although they welcome you).
Most importantly, don't complain to him. Just clearly ask him for help for specific things. See what he says.
I wished I could help you babysit for you to give interviews. It can be tricky, but maybe you can take your children and parents with you to the interview and have your parents watch them while you are giving the interview out in the lobby.
Just don't feel sorry for yourself. As long as you are determined, you'll find a way to work through all your problems.
In-laws -- I'd say don't even think about them. Just ignore what they say and do to you. Your family is your husband and your kids. If your husband doesn't want to be part of your children's and your life, you can not let that bring you down. I hope that it doesn't happen, and I'll pray for you, but if it does, then you just need to take that as more of a reason for you to get more independent.
first, find out where your relationship stands.
second, whatever it takes get a job, while your husband is trying to sort out his life.
three, don't let your children suffer. if your child is depressed, get her more company, like other children her age, get her to play with the baby brother/sister, just keep her invovled. she shouldn't have to suffer for her father's shortcomings. she should enjoy her life the fullest.
wish you all the best. hope these words help some. wish i could do more than that.
good luck and my prayers are with you and your children.
isha replied. hats oof to u,never seen such a tolarent lady like u.really very brave.but please dear never allow anybody to take advantage of this.bhavana has really given good solution try them out .i sincearly pray that u come out of it,and hope that yr hubby understands how lucky he is to have u as his wife.
all the best
takecare aabb replied. hi i am just sad for you.how can you love such a stone hearted person.Obviously he doesnt seem to care for you or your children.how can you even think of bringing a second child in this mess.the only advice i can give forr you is be independent first.if possible take up a job even if its a small one. NEHA replied. SSi first of all I salute you for your will power because if there was any body in your place would have given up, but i feel you should stand for you and your kids I just read a post by you reagrding your family problems and read Bhavna's reply over that i really agree with her that u should find first a suitable job because self esteem is very important your husband is taking you forgranted, and so is his parents if they wanted him to stay alone with them then why did he get married to you, MY Dear Wake up its a wake up call for you , stop being a Sacrficing lady because sacrfice is not worth when no body is ready to achnowledge it, sorry please don't feel bad but i think your husband isn't worth it if he was nice he would have thought about his children if not about you how can he be so irresponsible to leave you at your parents place when he is also equally responsible for the kids
I have a few questions that u should ask yourself and your husband..
1) Is he not responsible for the upbringing of your children emotionally and financially and even physically.
2) Is he not denying this relation by only serving his parents and living a life od bachelor hood.
3)Is he your husband or \";distant relation\"; that he is coming to meet you and the children every fortnight for an hour or two.
4) What are his duties towards you and your children.
Ask him all this when he meets you put your records straight don't linger tooo long as you will just lower your self- esteem and even your qualifications because atleast you will be on one side of the water rather than lingering in the middle of the ocean where only what you can see is darkness and vagueness. You cannot live life waiting for him ask him sternly is ready to take you and the children back or not. Firstly from this you will come to know claerly where do you stand in his life and your life too, so that you can start a fresh, i know i may sound stupid but this is a fact i also know you have to children whom a father can leave but a mother can never make them your strenght live for them never attempt suicide again and from here you can start for your job and also land him in court so that her also takes responsibilty of the kids financially, and from this he might change also when he will come to know that you have made up your mind a setback is important for him as he is thinking whenever he wants you ae there But please request you try and stand for your self this will make him rethink and you are a women who ic educated try rise ..

Hope the best but by taking a stand in life you will know what top do sooner the better as how long can your parents support you they are too old and may be that is why they are scared they more you bend the more your husaband and in-laws will be stubborn, STAND WHEN YOU WILL STAND THEY WILL KNOW THEIR RIGHT PLACE and THAT TIME WHEN YOU TAKE THEM TO COURT THEY WILL KNOW WHAT THEY WILL HAVE TO TROUGH SOCIALLY AND FINACIALLY..

ALL THE BEST I HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU
Bhavana replied. Your situation is really sad and unfortunate.
From your problems one thing is clear that you are not working if I am right.Then in that case take this opportunity,after you baby is born and when you able to be up on your feet and with all your strength that you have you must search for a job so that you do not have to depend on your husband the very reason that he is trying to treat you like you are non existent.Once you become independent you will have a different kind of confidence.Getting a job is just a suggestion.
Thats just a first baby step to the next thing.
I think you have gone through enough already.You must ask your hubby when he comes to meet you and your baby as to why he does what he does,and if his sole priority in life was to be with his parents why he got married in the first place(Ask this question only if you think there won't be any other repurcussions).What about his kids.
You need to set a few things straight dear.There is no use trying to be at the receiving end always.Don't expect your in-laws to change that is never going to happen this is not to make you sad but this is the harsh reality of life.I know you love your hubby a lot but this is injustice.What do your parents have to say about this whole issue.
Things don't change.As long as he knows that you are not going to do anything on your own and the belief that you are always going to keep going to him no matter what,the fact remains that he is going to always treat you like that dear.
Its for your own good and the good of your daughter who is seeing all these things.Children always learn form their parents and what she is learning right now is to withstand everything and never stand up for oneself.Don't do this ,both of you deserve much much better thsn this.
There are certain things in life where you have to choose ,that is choose to let your life remain the way it is or choose to take matters into your own hands.Life swings the way you let it swing.
You are a very brave lady,or anybody else in your place would have long left your hubby.All the best.I don't know if I have been of any help.
But God bless you and hope your life changes for the good whatever decision you take.I am not going to tell you to leave your hubby,stay and fight it in a different way.Get your hubby back.
Nothing is impossible.But the day you feel that you have had enough don't ever feel guilty for the choice you have to make.But don't even think of suicide.I know life is hard,but thats what life is all about.Nothing in this life is permanent not even your problems.