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Joint Family:Need to solve please help?

2006-07-14

Name: ashi my problem starts when my MIL came to live with us for few days.she doesnot like me at all.earlier say for two days she behaved very well but after that she started behaving differently like teasing me with sugar coated words i was understabding but didn't reacted .she behaves differentely with me in front of my husband and in his absence sifferentely.initially in my husbands presence she behaves like she cares me and i was pregnent at that time .she didn't helped me in doing anything in his absence like i did all my house work alone she hasn't helped me and after delivery she behaved same.but then also i haven't reacted .i was not understanding how i will tell it to my husband .
and before going she told to my husband just reverse like ur wife don't like me.didn't behaved well .doesn't want me to stay here etc i was shocked to listen all this. she completely brain washed my hubby .and when i tried to defend myself my hubby was not ready to listen a single word against her mother .even he has started to discuess our personal matters with her ..i am sure nobody(wife)will tolrate this thing.my mil was here for few days but after she went we have fights often .my husbby starts behaving differently .i have a daughter of 4 months sometimes i give up and keep my mouth shut and listen him but its very painful .i am a very simple person i cant fight lot neither play diplomatically .i dont know wht
to do now ....what went wrong.....how can i convince my husband ...please help wht i should do

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2006-08-03

Name: deepa
Subject:

Hi Ladies!

Hi Ashi & DK,
I have been a silent reader of this great site. Ashi, my fate was same as yours...infact its the same now too!

We moved to US in last November. In India I was working full time when my MIL was at home so called \";Taking Care\"; of my kid along with Full time Maid's help. This was the worst phase of my life. Those were the days, when i had almost ZERO communication with my husband. Till now, I dont share a peaceful relation with my husband.Its just become a superficial relation.

Since my wedding, I have never seen my MIL Happy. Always crying & winning sympathy of others.(My hubby lost his father at very young age). Now, all her \";KIDS\"; are well settled with family of their own. But, she just cant let go her \";Unhappiness\"; ruin their family peace.
I too, tried a lot of things to make her & her beloved SON happy by getting gifts and doing what not. But since they have made up their mind to be \";Unhappy\";, its impossible to have peace within ur family & win thier hearts(Iam laughing out loud.... winning my MILs heart was never possible for me and have given up as she doesnt have one)

So finally, Iam here in US with no job, feeling totally insecured about my life after returning to India. I have a beautiful & adorable daughter Avani. She is the only reason for me to be alive!!She is my LIFE.
Finally, i told my hubby that nothing seems to be working between us. So, once back in India, why not stay seperately as your mother doesnt want me to come between you and her(she told me this in India)...and also now, even i dont want you to come between me & my daughter.

Finally, back to Square one!! No fruitful relation with your husband even after 3 years of affair b4 wedding and 6 years of marriage. So, intotal i have wasted almost whole life after him.

This is miserable...isnt it!!

I dont have any solutions for MILs issues...but read all the messages posted on this site!

All the very best for all the DILs who are fighting for their existance!

Lots of love
Deepa.

2006-07-14

Name: dk
Subject:

Hey

what went wrong is:
Your MIL is smart brainier/than you.
She has achieved what she has wanted to do when she came in through your doors! This happens in every family.But it has never lasted!Dont worry...My sincere honest advice to you is:
Fool your husband....Yes!Fool him to think that you are actually fond of your MIL and respect her and admire her...If you are successfully able to fool him then you are set for life!...I knwo it is hard but you got to do it for tha sake of your family/kids..First thing e will be your MIL will be shocked and stuck seeing that you have changed routes!..then slowly ...That lady will either start actually loving you back(if she is little good at heart)....If she is not so good & ready to do more foul play then she will get definetly(100%) get caught...Both are good for you...So do mental homework & start acting before your husband..You can actually start by telling him may be ' u know wat ..i've been thinking,...watever it is ..it is your mother..she is a such an experienced woman/.I feel bad if I have done anything bad.I am sorry about that...'...ah,..you will know better than me about how to start...
Girl, I know it is very difficult but think of the End result you will be getting..which is \";Your MIL's interferences will be extinguished\";..
Go on girl..Start acting....

2006-07-24

Name: ashi
Subject:

Need to solve please help

Thanks for the suggestions dk i will definately follow these patterns.its realy helped me to figure out the things upto some extent.
but i am bit late to realize one thing ...what u told ..my mil regularly calls my hubby and keeps telling him that she is missing my child(god knows why...)she actually wants to see her but due to my behaviour she can't come down...although my hubby now calms down but still he starts erratating when ever he received my mil's call.my hubby has started sending photographs and cd's to her without my knowledge..somehow i came to know abt this..but its ok with me....but this can again mislead him that i don't want my child gets connected with his mother .... somewhere i want this but at the same time i don't want him to know. any suggestions... wht i should do?don't misunderstand me the only thing i want.... tomorrow my child will not behave like my hubby...

2006-07-19

Name: dk
Subject:

Hey

Ashi:
your MIL seems to be really dominating as you said and has her own ways....guess she is a good convincing talker.that quality is what fools people for a longggg time but still finally she won't win.surely!
Next time make sure you never fight with your hubby in front of her..never ever do that!!!it is the right thing she is looking for.that gives her the courage to come inbetween!..
Ashi,onething I can tell you for sure is , Yes it is a patience testing experience and you are going to keep fighting this 'thing' for a long time!.You have to come up with ideas to keep your mind calm and steady.ofcourse you have a baby and you have the all the rights over your baby then anyone..obviously your MIL is doing a blunder by ignoring your baby..MIL ignoring to even hold her grand kid because of issues with DIL !..these people never last!I guarantee...
there are even more smarter MIL's who try to even come inbetween the DIL's own kids and the mother and act posessive about grand kids and also make sure that their sons play along with that!!!.So your MIL 's done/doing a mistake.Hold on to that and don't ever let her do anything for your kid.But don't make it obvious..but make sure she does nothing for your kid.Your husband wont ignore or hate his own offspring..dont worry...
Ashi, like I told you, you need to find ways to help keep your sanity and move in life...what to do..she is your husband's mother..You got to play along to do things!...there are families where the SIL 's or Co-Sisters do this...now that is even more worse!..Imagine you have a Co-sister who is your hubby's brother's wife who wants to control your hubby..wants to talk to him alone for hours..?...and teases you when he is not around but act differently when he is around?!..Now that is Hell!.
So you have to move on Ashi, this world is full of so many kinds of people and we need to move learning about them, trying to avoid them but still keep moving forward.Kisses to your baby
Sending hugs to you.

2006-07-18

Name: ashi
Subject:

Need to solve please help

Hi
Thanks for the suggestion dk but u know i have already tried this and the result was more panic.after pretending in front of my hubby he wants me to talk regularly his mother over phone .i did that.and when she came again for few days she has another face she was teasing all the time in front of my hubby with a broad smile on her face .she is very dominating .we(me and my hubby) had a fight in front of her twice over some other matters.and she was sitting in front of us and watching lastly i gave up and stop.this time she was regularly talking to my hubby for 2-3 hour alone in another room.and i was left with my child in another room.and after talking to her he became more aggerasive every time and starts fight with me over silly silly things.i was completely shocked.she was here for six days but she never hold my baby not done anything for me or my baby.i was total confused wht to do in this situation and i stop communicating with her.i am loosing faith on my hubby also .is he don't feel bad for me not even for his own child?its been one month i never talked to her...do u still think dk i should do wht u have suggest me?

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