Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi all, i wrote on this forum a few months ago. My main problem is i have an abrasive sil. Her husband is the only child to his parents. She also fought with her in-laws and nobody is visiting her. Even none of her maternal relatives visit her or keep in touch with her. She is well educated, got married to a rich man and owns a big house with two cars. Still she craves for money. She can't stand anybody doing well in their life. (now she stays at home as she has difficulty in finding a job whereas i am working)So she sees everybody's mistake with a magnifiying glass and hurts us with very bad comments.
Before my marriage she appeared as a very sweet lady. I cannot imagine she has such a venomous heart. My husband used to trust her comments, and fought with me, even hit me in the first year of our marriage. He also told my siblings that i am a very bad woman. How can they trust this since they have known me for more than 25 years and i have been nice to my sisters and brothers families.
Initially we all were thinking the mistake was with my husband but through my father-in-law we came to know who was behind all our fights. Yes my father-in-law revealed the truth about his own daughter, whereas my mil would find every reason to justify her abusive behavior.
Now the problem is my brother's wives live in the same country as hers and they were talking to her over phone casually. After hearing my husbands verbal abusal of me, they reduced their communication with his sister. She was thinking it was me who told about her behavior to my brothers and cut the communication with them. She started giving me more troubles. I pleaded to my brothers to continue communicating with her and they did so. My sil iltreated my brothers and their wives when they visited her. She never spoke to them or offered them food. Even she would never call them and expect my brothers to call her everytime. When their calls were delayed she would call my husband and complain about them. She would cover all her mistakes and tell that my brothers are not respecting her. She even went to the extend that she told my first brother changed his phone number and didn't give their new number to her. All these things irriated my brothers. To top it all i was not allowed to visit my brothers in this 2 and half years of our marriage. So now they stopped to have any communication with her.
In the meanwhile, my husband who was trusting her sister very much in the intial years, now started to see her true colour (thanks to my Fil). But she is abusing him with words. She says (in front of me) that my husband has got no gratitude. Now that he got new relatives (my brothers) he doesn't want her sister any more. She was scolding him very badly. All these things really make us sick. Every week she calls him and fights with him for more than an hour asking him to fight with my brothers for not talking to her.
I tried to explain to her that we can get respect only by respecting others. I told her my family is informal and we never demanded respect from my brother's wives. Instead we were friendly to them and they in turn started loving us. If i start to demand respect from my sils we will lose reputation in their families. But my husband's sister cannot understand this. She thinks i am behind all these problems. She told my husband that she asked me the reason and before i answered anything she walked away. She made him to ask me the reason again (i am pregnant now!). I told him all the truth and said that his sister is not trusting me.
Though my husband could see his sisters mistakes he still feels my brothers should bear with all the abusals and should visit his sister and talk to her (my mil also supports her). When my mil was visiting us last year she took the help of my sister to purchase things for us. She got 9 costly churidhar for my sil and none for me. Now my mil didn't want to tell my brothers and sisters about my pregnancy. (she and my fil were hospitalised three times last year and only my siblings helped them). This attitude of lack of gratitude, partiality and constant complaints really irriate my siblings and my family. My brothers say they can never see their wives and sister (me) getting iltreated by my husband family and especially refused to talk to my sil anymore.

Thanks for readings this legnthy post. It looks like they can't change their attitude. I don't know how long will it take for my husband to stop reacting to their complaints. Till then i will be prevented from interacting with my siblings. It really hurts me. How can i solve this problem? Nishant replied. Unfortunately Sumathi, there are many people like this who have been brought up to tolerate their elder siblings 'manmani'. And if you are not in total control of your husband (he totally trusts that you say something after very sensible thought), then one word from you can devastate things to a great extent.
As said by friends, your husband needs to understand that his sis is no more in control of his life and he is independent too. I immediately cannot suggest any way to spark this into your hubby, but Im definately adding this as one of my favourite posts so that I can get back when I find a convincing answer.
Cheers,
Nishant.
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nishant(dot)psychologist(at)gmail(dot)com
Im not a professional, just a hobbiest. SS replied. oh god, how and y people r like that, just ask yur sil that wht she want, does she want her brother i.e. yur husband to leave u or wht, y yur brothers would call her, whts the need, they dont have other works, but first just tell yur husband that u dont want to discuss these things anymore. when u r alone just be alone and no topics, just try to be calm and let her speak whtever she wants to, and just tell the same to yur husband and then forget it at the same and take her as a mad insane person. so further i can say best of luck hi replied. Hello,
In this I think your policy should be not to mix up your family with your brothers' families.
Whatever it is that your SIL tells your husband it is up to him to take what he should be taking. According to me teh problem starts from your husband...sorry..but that is how I feel..
Your husband needs to change his attitude and realise that he cannot control his wife's relatives to do things that he wants them to do.While you have no rights to interfere between your husband's and his sister's relationship, he has no rights to demand anything from your brothers..
About yout MIL poor old lady just ignore her ,.leave her out of the scene...she will be gone sooner than you guys (sorry),let her do what she wants to do and go peacefully.
it is you guys who has to find ways to solve this.
Try to findways to change your husband.
You have already done a mistake by asking your brothers to go and talk with his sister because your husband asked!.Remember other than your husband every body else also has their ideas and respect.
in order to improve your relationship with your husband you cannot force your relatives to do things they don't agree.
Leave them alone.move on with life.
Already it looks like things are improving.The day will come when your dream of mingling freely with your relatives will become true.
But remember to deal with only your husband on this issue. nobody else.
Goodluck