Relationships  Discussion Forum

I am really confused with this topic since last 6 months.My wife comes from different background..who are very social and gives importance to individuality .My parents are from traditional family background with some Old Hindu customs. But they do respect to the Individuality. When they ask/suggest some thing to my wife, she says back to me(not to my parents) that she do have some individuality and how come they can demand.After some time she again tells me that she shouldnt talk bad infront of me about my parents and she goes back to my parents and do whatever they ask. And the things I am talking about are also silly things. Its ok if its resolved without my interference. If not to whom I should give importance.
Give me your thought about this
1) Is it someone behind her driving to do things like that
2) is it normal behaviour of women.
Or something else.
I am a kind of person who dont want to hurt any one. I want both my parents and my wife live happy with out any issues. RR replied. Hello Raj,
Please understand that you are the one that your wife trusts most and so she comes out with all her feelings to you. you should be proud that she does not hide her feelings from you and trusts you so much. she just needs to know that you care.
about your first point.. i have seen many people thinking that their in-laws are behind their wife's behaviour and ruining their lives in this suspicion.
Just take care of her and trust her the way she trusts you.. and you will soon notice that you have no problems.
all the best.. JointFamily replied. JointFamily here.

This seems to be a communication issue here. Your parents intend good but the \";phrasing\"; they use does not suit what she is used to \";hear\";. So she thinks they demand. Or may be they demand at times.

If possible, stay away from parents for few months. However, express your care for them and wife.

a. Your spouse is trying to adjust. She needs your help.

b. Your non-interference and assumption that problem is solved could be wrong. You need to spot check with your wife and parents whether things are fine or they need help.

c. But don't get in to every instance as line-manager at first chance. Interfere unbiased only when there is visible conflict.

d. Explain to your wife the problem of language. Educate parents if they use wrong phrasing.

Answers to your points:
1. Yes. Her love towards you is making her do things which conflict in her thinking.

2. These are normal first 1 / 2 years. After that, it ends with happy note or becomes compromise or adjustment in which people may remain unhappy.
This is also a period in which parents feel that someone from outside has come and taking control of money, properly, son and everything. They have seen some divorces in society and if things don't go smoothly, keep their hopes alive that you will divorce. It is important that as soon as you are sure that your wife is good natured (not when you know you love her, because that you do from 1st day of marriage without justification!), you indicate to your parents with certainty in some way that she is here to stay! And thus should give away hopes of separation, if there are any indications of their such hopes. This can be indicated without hurting their feelings. Best done by praising her good skills in front of everyone (her and them) and at the same time praising in-laws good skills to her and them.

There are many hubbies in the world who wish like you not to hurt and want parents and wife to be happy. Many are not successful in achieving that and are themselves problem creators by undecisiveness, interference, unmature remarks, taunts, beating wife, de-meaning statements etc. With so many parameters, this needs some high quality \";management\"; skill to handle self. Another option is to take help of marraige counselers.

If you are not sure if they care for each other, observe when one of them is sick. If others care, you will notice. Nisha replied. Hey, this is normal behaviour with women where she can express her feelings only with you. Since she doesn't say anything infront of ur parents means she have a respect to them as elders. So don worry and there is no one driving her behind.

If someone is driving then the things would have been in the worst case. So just make a habbit of listening but don't comment. Then the things will be fine. But, if poss try to make her understand in a cool way rather than beeing harsh. As such people can only understand the words with love.