Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi,

I have a BIG problem - my in laws.I am a South Indian and my husband happens to be from North India.
Ours was a love marriage but accepted by both sides of the family. My family has adjusted
well to this marriage, they treat my husband like their own son and he has had to make
very little changes in this marriage.
But I had to change just about everything, which is ok with me but I am not able to bear the put down remarks! When I am at my in-laws place I have to wear the traditional saree which I do just to keep them happy. I cook the food which my husband is used to and he really enjoys my cooking.My in laws don't stay with us though. They visit us now and then. But whenever they come here they find fault with everything in the house. Nothing I do seems to be right! Right from the masalas to the veggies i buy is all bad!!! I really believe in hygiene and cleanliness and in fact buy from the best of the places rather than small dorky places where they buy their stuff. Still they complain saying its not good which irritates me no end!
In fact everytime they visit us they bring all cooking stuff from their place as though nothing is available in the city or at our place! My husband has tried telling them upteen times not to behave like this but they don't listen to him they just parade our house as though its theirs and do as they please!
My dressing sense is another cause of ridicule for my mother in law and sis in law.All the time they complain that I wear not so good clothes or jewellery! I sometimes feel that they do this wantedly! While I am not in scene my mother in law even wore most of my sarees (which I came to know coz she stained some of my sarees!) and then complains they are not good when we are around. Why should she wear them if she doesnt like them? My sis-inlaw even wore the new sarees which I had kept in my cupboard without even bothering to ask me! I always buy them lot of sarees, everytime I buy for almost every occassion but still I do not understand why she had to wear my saree and then complain that it is not good! I am tired of them trying to put me down and make me look like I am invalid and good for nothing. My husband tries his best @ times to change them but it has no effect and he just evades issues at times to avoid confrontations!
Everytime they visit our place we have to buy them loads of gifts. Sometimes I get the feeling my husband literally bribes them so that they wont put me down much! This has been happening since the day we got married. I don't understand why we need to buy our parents affection. Its really a sad scene in totality! But they never return back anything.
They refused to even have my 7th month function (baby shower) at their place saying they wil have to call a lot of relatives and it would be expensive. Instead they had it here at our place and did not invite anyone or spend anything. They gave me a horrible saree and then told that if you dont like it you can give it back we will gift to one of our cousin whose wedding is nearing!!! Also, my mother in law boasted that her saree was more expensive than the one she had bought for me! It really hurts because I have everytime taken care to buy them the best of the things and they didnt even think of buying me anything for such an important occassion! Whatever they bought also they think of taking back!! My mother in law but has the gall to say that my parents will have to buy gifts/clothes for all their relatives when the baby is born. I really feel like telling them, why should she when their relatives did not even send their blessings for the baby to be born!! She thinks she is smart and just because we just do our side of the duty she can do and say and get away with anything. It really irritates me coz at the end of it all I feel I gave into her manipulative ways!
I have another big problem. I am pregnant now and my mom in law has plans to be here for the delivery. She is planning to treat me with herbal stuff which is done in india after delivery and the herbs have been bought some 3 years back when my sis in law delivered!! The left over ones she plans to bring here to give me. I really feel during my delivery I can't have added tension of these people trying to manipulate me into doing what they want and putting me down! I really dont want her here for my delivery! What do I do...I am just tense thinking abt her visit :( I am terribly depressed thinking abt their visit and how when I need to be happy about the birth of our baby I am going to be flng bad coz they are gng to make snide remarks and keep putting me down :( Please advice...Should I just let know my husband how I feel. I do not mind them being here after the baby is born and I am adjusted to the baby...But I really want to have a happy time with my baby for sometime without anyone eating my head and telling me I am doing everything wrong! Q replied. Hi there,

i bet pregnancy in every Indian womna's life is a nightmare! Dont call your Il's. tell them to come after the baby os 3-4 months old or so..I have North Indian In-laws too. Too much talk, very little help is what they are.

Talk to your husband about these offending things. I ma sure your husband notices these too.

If your husband understands sees your troubles, i dont think you have much of a battle to fight.

let them be. JUST let them be. Dont try to change them, or have ANY expectations from them. If they give anything, you will be pleasantly surprised, if not, it willbe the usual.

Also, dont encourage too much gifting / bribing. if they are going to be dis-satisfied, they will be that whatever you do. All gifting shifting takes place in the first year. If you are past your first year then you can cool off.

TRy to be real at all times. When you put up a seva-bhav image, they will expect that all times from you. If you show them the real you, take it or leave it will be the case. They prob havent understood that you are trying to keep son & family together and its they who have to lose if they are mean to you. Tracy replied. I read your post and I feel so bad for you. I fuss about my husbands parents not accepting me and when I read something like this I am so happy they don't. Mow remember I am American woman but I feel like a woman is a woman and we deserve respect no matter where you come from. I would not put up with this kind of treatment. If your husband loves you he will support your decision to stand up to them. You deserve a special time with your baby. I believe that if they are in your house they should respect your rules. The do not have the right to do as they please or put you down. Once you make that point clear they will leave you alone.My husband is South Indian and he calls me rude sometimes with the way I deal with people but you know what no one walks in my house and acts like that and never will...Good Luck