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Well if you go down and read my post earlier about my dramatic marriage you will know what is going on... Well we have been married for almost 3 months and his parent have not made one attempt to meet me. They bring him food for one at work ...we both work at the same place and they call him to his cell bypassing me. They page him and meet him and call him to come over alone. To me this is all manipulative. I told my husband that as long as he goes with their wishes they don't have to make an effort to acknowledge me. I have now said either them or me. You know I am white and American and I would go heaven and earth for him now it is his turn to say she's my wife. I feel like he needs to choose me first. Am i wrong. If he can't make his wife first then why should i make him first. What about children? I have decided forget them accepting me I don't accept them..This is America..What do you all think? dc904 replied. tracy,
i'm an indian woman with a different perspective - my husband is american, and although my parents didnt give me grief about him (i think they'd given up on the idea of arranged marriage by then), they had always been very difficult with past boyfriends - threats of disowning me, even stopped speaking to me for a week. Now if I have been able to stand up to my parents (who i never would have thought would come around), your husband can do the same if he is strong enough. BTW, my family now ADORES my husband and his family and they all treat him with godly respect - they are no longer the parents i knew yrs ago.
In any case, I have to disagree with some of the people who say dont give ultimatum and suggest you \";play the game\"; instead - IMO, marriage is hard enough without having to play mind games you never subscribed to - with parties outside your marriage nonetheless. maybe dont make it sound like you are the enemy and dont call it an ultimatum, but tell him that his family's behavior and this situation is too hurtful to you to continue this way - tell him you want the chance to have a relationship with them b/c obviously they are such a big part of his life - and that as it is, the situation makes you feel like an outsider rather than his wife.
Yes, it's only been 3 mos, but if he's not going to get up the nerve to stand up to them now, you are better off knowing now rather than as you said, after kids. Remind your husband that HE CHOSE you, and allowing his family to disrespect you and your marriage is unacceptable - obviously, he fell in love with the strong, american woman that you seem to be, so don't stop being that person to play the ILs stupid, selfish games.
Believe it or not, my dad has more respect for me now for having been so strong and independent than even my siblings (both of whom settled for arranged marriages) - he knew i would have spent my life single if i hadnt found the right guy on my own - more importantly, i have more respect for myself.
good luck and i hope your husband comes around. Sunshine replied. My name is Sunshine, and I am an Indian. And I'm sorry about the kind of treatment that u are experiencing at the hands of u'r Indians spouse's parents. Like parents all over the world, Indian parents believe they can control their children's lives. And live their lives through their kids. Sadly, they forget that the kids are individuals in their own right.
All I can say is don't give u'r hubby the ultimatum. I have an idea. what u can do if they haven't seen a picture of u or don't know what u look like is go to the gas station behind u'r hubby's back. Walk in there on the pretext of getting some gas. Strike up a conversation with his parents. Let them get to know u separately, not as \";Tracy the witch that stole their son\"; but as that nice American girl who comes here and talks to us.. Take an interest in the Indian culture, esp their background as though India has always fascinated u. Let them welcome u into their fold without the chains of relationships..
Give this a shot.
If they've already seen u, or u'r pic what u can do is when they send u'r hubby the food, make it a point to eat some from it and send them a note/ email/ sms whatever that u liked the dish! and if they could send a little extra next time so that u could eat properly from it as well, seeing as u are also feeding their grandchild (if u'r pregnant) and that u have a yearning for Indian food!
I hope things work out for u both and that these thickheaded parents come around to accepting u as their duaghter in laws!
Please take care,
And all the best! ozkat replied. First things first if you want this marriage to last you can't go making ultimateums. Or at least not the type where its you or them. If you take the attitude that the marriage can end that it very well might Tracy. Your hubby's parents have a major issue with you and I am almost certain they are sitting back waiting for your marriage to end so that they can say I TOLD YOU SO. Do not give them that honour.

I am in a very similar situation, you and I were married to our Indian partners around the same time and my inlaws are acting the same way. They speak with my hubby and I am never mentioned. It is like I have borrowed Harry Potters cloak of invisibility or something. Tracy, it isn't a matter or them or you. God No! Don't put your partner in that position. If you just thought screw them and moved on you would be fine and so would your marriage. But having said that I know from my own experience that is an impossibility.

The main thing you need to morry about is strengthening your marriage. Finding a way to cope with the situation without making problems between you & hubby. Then you act on things and discuss them without emotion or anger. And yes you do have every right to be angry, from a western point of view anyway.

The point is that is hubby is accepting these little lunches it undermines your marriage. A small place for him to start is to tell them thanks and let them know how much you will enjoy the meal as you will be sharing it! He can not jump off the deep end, look he did back out of the wedding and then changed his mind so I feel that too much preasure will cause him to walk away from the marriage.

As for the phone calls, ok they insist on calling the cell, I'd seriously consider trying to answer the phone occasionally. Even speak with your hubby about doing so. And Tracy, don't let him keep saying no! You know, if he isn't making an effort to create unity than why don't you start. I emailed my MIL in india recently and introduced myself, I said that i was aware of their feelings and while I couldn't change them I had hoped that for my husbands sake we could all find a way to co-exist in his life. Well that is the end of me trying to be balanced and neutral.

Here are my personal thoughts, as a wife you should be the most important person in your husbands life. This isn't to deny the importance of family but he CHOSE to be with you and in doing so he has accepted certain duties. I get so tired of My Family, My Family Duty, My Obligation As A Son. I don't just refer to the situation you and I share but to all them males that are the subjects on this forum. There comes a time to grow up and stop being a baby. It is possible to be a MAN and a son.

I am 21 weeks pregnant and my hubby has had ample time to have told his family. i know it will be hard and will cause problems but sheesh this is HIS child. If his parents REALLY loved him they would at least make an attempt and so should he. We duked this out the other day. Between his reluctance to grow up, their insistance on his failure as a son, my right to be accounted for and a good dose of hormones the time had come to stop sitting on my hands and letting everyone else choose the direction of my life.

Hubby finally saw my point and has mailed his family with the news of the baby, they have been told I EXIST and he refuses to pretend I don't for their sake any longer and he invited them to accept this or disown him depending on how they saw fit. I don't agree with him allowing them the option of cutting him off but to counter that I mail his Aunt and explained that I would do all I could for the sake of their comfort but loosing a son was too much to throw away.

It is not up to his family to decide what they want to do. I am due to have our baby on Nov 24 and I am giving them until 6 weeks after the birth to decide if they want to accept this grandchild. If not they can go and get lost. Hubby will have to decide what he will do if they choose to ignore their grandchild. Because I know that I wont allow their names mentioned in my or the baby's presence. They will become nothing and yup I will tell my child they have passed away. Am I bitter? To a degree I am, not for me but for our child to be.

You know what Tracy, I shouldn't have turned this into a vent for my own needs but thanks you for allowing me this. Sit down and talk with your husband, dont give up... They would love that too much. Get your point across, this is the year 2005 and he is living in the US and with that comes a few ecpectations that are not asking too much. You can not know how much i wish you luck in sorting things out. I will pray for you! Tracy replied. I have asked him over and over to meet them...He says no..His parents just brought his nrother a gas station and now he goes out of his way to go there and get gas. I told him I was going to go over there and he said no...It's all about them accepting me... The thing is I am to the point that I really don't care to meet them anymore...It's the point everytime they call he runs even if he and I have plans. That makes me angry...From everything I have read about in-laws I am lucky to have them out of my life. I just for my husbands sake wanted his family together but I am through with that worry. The thing is he has lied to me several times in my face about meeting them...It concerns me that if he would lie to me about that then what else would he lie to me about?...We are so perfect together until that phone call from them or until he calls them..They always have a crisis going on...I love my husband and this marriage is for life but will it be happy? indu replied. hi tracy
all women in this earth probably go thru what you are going thru. but then always think before taking such a step. marriages are for keeps. not because of some social or relational pressure, but because of the fact that you love someone and would like to be with him all thru your life. i know that its more than difficult to bear your in-laws, i have a similar problem, but you can atleast give it a try. only 3 months into your marriage you cannot think of quitting. i am married for 3 years with a little son. its difficult to bear. i am working, highly educated, have a supportive family but still then, i am not quitting. i have my own space. i advise you not to let them have their own way. they want you to leave, and if you do exactly that then they win, isnt it?
take care soul replied. Hi Tracy, I have seen your previous messages. My suggestion to you is that instead of giving your husband the ultimatum now (ie it's too early and perhaps should be used as the last resort), you can tell him that even you want to meet his parents. That way he cannot deny you, ie his wife from meeting them, and he himself can see how they are behaving. After that, you can slowly start telling your husband about their behavior. I would be delighted if my IL's did not want to see me and just saw my son. I would love to cut off from them completely, as my life is more peaceful w/out them. However, I suppose in your sitatuion, and the fact that you are working together, makes it even worse. Perhaps your husband needs some encouragement before approaching his parents.
Good luck. aaa replied. What if he doesn't agree? have you thouht about it?.It will bring crack in your marriage.I am confused about thinking about your problem.Believe me dear these kind of in laws are never straight.My situation was little similar to yours.I got answer from my husband, \";I know my parents before you..i can't leave them..b'coz of you..learn to accept as they are..\";. disha replied. I think you are right, they will never accept you because they have made a nice arrangement where they can see their son without having to acknowledge you as his wife and that is totally selfish.

He and they have to choose, if he wants to see his parents he has to take you along and vice versa. And not to mention they have to treat you with utter respect because you won't accept any nonsence.

Yes this is America and use the fact that you are not indian to your full advantage. They know you are not same as them so they can't try the typical in-law tortures and keep it at that always.

Best of luck