I am really very sorry to hear about all you guys but what happened its our fate i guess.

Here is our angel’s story:

This was our first pregnancy. Our baby will be the first grandkid in my side of family, they are so excited and my mom started buying stuff for the baby after my 7th month. My MIL is very happy about my pregnancy coz’ it’s been over 5 years we were married. We went for ultrasound in 20th week and we found the baby sex and it was a baby boy, but we didn’t tell any one of our family or friends about the sex of the baby, we wanted to keep it surprise. But my dad told me that we’ll be having a baby boy coz’ his sixth sense was telling him it seems but it turned out true. Till 32nd week everything was going well and we were happy and excited to see the baby and we went to Babiesrus store and we selected what we want to buy once the baby arrived. DH and I, we both wanted to buy the stuff after baby was born, so we didn’t buy even a single thing for him. At 32nd week, I went to work as usual had breakfast but I couldn’t feel the baby moments much. So I called the nurse after seeing an hour, she asked me to eat heavy breakfast again and asked me to drink cold orange juice so that baby will move but I couldn’t feel the moments. So I took the appointment at 1.15pm, since my work is 1.30 hour away from doctor’s office. I called my DH and he came to the doctors office and they checked the baby heartbeat it was 131bpm.We were so happy to hear the heartbeat, but the doctor wants to make sure the fetal moments, so she send us to labor and delivery to check the fetal moment and we joined and we were in the hospital almost 8 hrs for observation and 2 times baby heartbeat went down to 65bpm and in a millisecond it came back to 145bpm and they kept me on IV. They did ultrasound and the baby weight was good, his growth was good and everything was great as per the radiologist and doctor. But my DH asked for C section, if they can do, since it was 32nd week and asked them if they do baby will be fine or not. But doctor told us everything was good now, so don’t worry we’ll see after 36th week and we went home and we thought I should work from home rest of my pregnancy. My doctor said to take a full biophysical of the baby ultrasound in 35th week. So I took appointment on Friday July 13th, we went and they did ultrasound and radiologist said baby weight is 5 lb 6oz and everything is great and checked the heartbeat and it 151bpm and he told that our baby has cheeks and the radiologist smiled at us. We were really very happy, that night I called my mom & dad and told them about the checkup and told about the baby cheeks & they were so happy to hear from us. So we went to temple Saturday and after that we went to IKEA store to get wardrobe for my mom, since she was coming on July 24th to stay with us for 5 months and the baby was moving all the time and I told my DH that he is so happy. And Sunday one of my friends called us for lunch and she have a 10 month old daughter. And before going to their house, we went for shopping to buy her daughter some clothes and we went to there house around 1.30pm and had lunch and saw there daughters birth CD’s and her baby shower CD. My Mom was planning to do my Baby shower on Aug 3rd and I told them they should attend the party. We went home and talked about the baby and next day morning July 16th, I woke up at 6.30am and DH gave me milk and biscuits to eat and I drank and slept again and woke up at 10am, till then my DH went to work, he usually goes around 7.30am. I ate breakfast and had juice and I wasn’t feeling any baby moments at all. So usually when I call my doctor they say to eat full and see for 1 hour and they say to visit them. So I called my DH and he told me to eat and see. So I ate lunch but I didn’t feel any moments I was really worried and I called my DH, he said to have some coke then baby becomes hyper and he’ll move, but I couldn’t feel. So I called my doctor and took appointment and I went to the doctor @2pm and first time in my whole pregnancy, DH was not with me that day, he was little busy with his work and I said I’ll go alone and doctors office is 15 min drive from our place. Nurse called me in @2.40. She asked me to lie down and checked the baby heat beat, she tried for 5 minutes but she couldn’t find and called the doctor and I asked what’s going on. Doctor also couldn’t find the baby heartbeat and they had a 4D ultrasound in the office, so she told me to come to that room and she checked and showed me the heart which was still. I cried like anything and in between my DH was calling me, I couldn’t take the call and he started to the doctors office since I wasn’t lifting my phone. Doctor told me “I am very sorry. Baby is no more” and she asked me to go to Labor and Delivery (L&D) and told that she’ll call them and she came to the hospital after 30min and again asked the radiologist to do one more ultrasound to confirm in the hospital. From my doctors office to L&D is 3 min drive. Again my DH called me, so finally I lifted and didn’t say anything and asked him to come to L&D hospital, since he was driving I don’t want to tell him. I was crying like anything all the way and I joined the hospital and all the nurses said sorry, but I can’t imagine what’s going on. In the meanwhile, my DH called doctor, he understood something is wrong and I am going to L&D then finally doctor said “I am very Sorry, Baby is no more” We can’t do anything now and told him to come to L&D. He was in 10 min and when I saw him in the room, both broke and cried like anything. We cried, cried and cried for whole the process. Joined hospital at July 16th 07 @3.00pm and deliver was on July 17th @ 4pm. And the baby came out @4.34pm and first we thought we won’t see the baby, but we couldn’t control and asked the nurse to show the baby and they gave us the baby.

Here is the main thing, whole pregnancy I told my DH the baby should get your hair, eye balls (brown) and he should get my nose and cheeks. Finally when we saw him, he has my DH hair and color, his nose is like my brother, his ears were like my Dad’s and he has cheeks & chin like me. But the only thing we can’t see his eye balls, when he was born his eyes were closed, but we thought of seeing his eyes open and crying.

We went to the perinatologist and he checked all our records and told us it happens only 1 in 1000 after 35th week ultrasound and that 1 person you are & I cried a lot before him.

I have friends who were pregnant at the same time, 1 week apart 6 of them and now everyone are happy with their babies & i am happy for them but till now, i didn' t call them.They are calling me but i am not able to take their calls. I don' t know when i can call them and speak to them.
xxxxx replied. Hi Anu ,
I am new to this site , though was a silent reader since yrs , cudn' t resist myself and am really sorry to hear ur loss . I know words, messages and nothing on this earth will substitute ur pain and emotions right now , i think only time can heal ur pain . Pls don' t loose hope and faith in god .

My story is had an ectopic and followed by 3 miscarriages , so i guess this journey for some people is not easy and we don' t know why some people have a smooth path and others don' t ..
We don' t have other option than having faith in god and hoping for miracles to happen even for us .

Take care of ur health and definitely god will give you back ur son soon beleive me , just have faith .

I have few stories to share it with u , reason i feel nothing about my losses are

1.... my husband' s friends wife had a similar loss like urs , infact she had c-section scheduled for next day and due to visa problems their parents were supposed to come the day before the c-section the same day she had to undergo the loss .
After few months she conceived and has a son and daughter now .

2.Another friend of mine had a son in india born with liver problem ratio was like 1in 1000 , so he got it and lost her son after an year , to cope up the loss she came to us and conceived and has a daughter now .

3. another friend of mine had to deliver and get it aborted due to folic acid deficieny which they can to know in 6th month . now has 2 girls .

Anu , reason i am telling u all these stories are not to make u feel worried , what i am trying to say to say is u will definitely have a beautiful baby . But only time can heal ur pain , i understand right now u want ur baby back , but unfortunately what god has decided we can' t change , just let ur emotions out to ur friends or dear ones and have positive thinking .

Have faith MIRACLES do happen .
Take care ,

Friend
Tamanna replied. My dear Anu,

I read your post and could not stopped my rolling tears . I felt so sorry and helpless . But dear keep the faith and God will really help you. Whatever you have written brought old memories to me .

I have gone through the same phase and I can very well correlate the situation. I conceived one year after marriage and had miscarriage. Than came the worst part . We tried but could not conceive for the next 4 years even after two surgeries, infertility treatment we tried everything.

By that time all My younger sisters, friends all conceived and had their babies . I stopped talking to everyone and even tried suicide. I even stopped talking to my husband . I was always mourning death of my child if he would have been alive he would have been 3 years time to go to school like that . My mind was always occupied with my child . We tried all treatment but all efforts went in vain . So I stopped treatment altogether I was so hopeless and tired .

Than after one month I was doing packing as I had to go to France on official tour. My period are very irregular and in June 2003 i was having little bleeding. Just on casual basis my hubby asked me to do a HPT Initially I was reluctant but agreed to as I had to go for a long period . I did the test and could not believe my eyes it was positive I cried in the toilet like anything I waited for that moment whole my life and when I saw that I was numb. I showed the strip to my hubby and he also cried . Cancelled my trip as mine was very precious pregnancy and complete bed rest was adviced .

I had my angel in my arms in Feb , 2004 . He is the most beautiful and active child in the whole universe. I waited more than 7 years of my life for him and now he is with me . God bless him . I owe everything to God and my hubby ----they are responsible for what I have today otherwise I would have died long back.

So keep the faith and God will surely listen to you this is my firm belief. He is the almighty and knows and sees everything . He knows your pain and what you want . Believe me you will get your dues .
God bless you,
Tamanna
Anu replied. Radha, thank you very much for the reply.I couldn' t control my tears, when i was reading your reply ..really i want to hug my friends and cry but i can' t ..they are very far from our place. And i can' t even cry in front of my mom, she' ll be very upset & i don' t want to see her crying and she visited us for the first time and my dad is in india now. I really don' t know what to do, whom to talk to other than my husband. My Husband is very supportive , because of him only now i am going to work again & going out little otherwise it would have been tough for me. I know he also need some support from me coz' men they don' t share there emotions with anyone & we women share our emotions with our husband, parents & friends. He also stopped taking calls from his friends and he spends all the time with me after coming from work.

But frankly speaking, i feel very bad seeing him like that..now also, back of my mind i want our rudransh back.Its been only 2 months, we miss our son very much. I can' t even express how much i want him now..

Yesterday while going home from work, i was thinking if rudransh would have been
here,then when i go home, he would smile at us, that smile i want to see..i want to hug him..we miss him a lot, its like a part of us is missing in our life.We went through all the delivery process and finally we don' t have him with us now. That Monday (July 16th) when i joined in the hospital that day we never forget in our life, since we did not inform any of our friends or family and we were all alone in the hospital and that day night i asked my husband to call my brother and my brother took next day flight and came to us . That day, i can see him how much he loves me. He was so worried about me..he has the pain that we don' t have our son anymore and also he was so worried about me because the baby was inside me. I really admire him of his strength and how much he cares for me. Frankly saying,he is my
strength.

We have rudransh photo' s and also his cute little foot prints.He was a little cutie pie and he was so cuteeeee and we never imagined he would be so Cuteeee.really i miss him a lot...

Still we are in shock and don' t know the answer why this happened. My doc also
couldn' t find any reason. They did lot of tests and everything came out normal and we went to perinatologist and he also said you didn' t have any issues through out the pregnancy until 32nd week and in 32nd week also i felt baby moments very low so we went for ultrasound and he was doing great and the radiologist & my doc checked everything and they sent us home. So, only perinatologist said, happened is happened you need to take care and this happens only 1 in 1000 people after 35th week and that one person is you.So next pregnancy, from 30th week i need to go for checkup every week with them, they' ll be observing very keenly and my doc said next pregnancy they won' t wait till 40 weeks they' ll deliver me between 35-37th week.

But my doc said, to try after 3 cycles.I miss my pregnancy....:)Sudha, this was our first pregnancy.

Once again thank you very much guys, really i feel nice to see your replies..till now i didn' t told anyone about rudransh..after reading all your replies, i think i need to call my friends and speak to them its been more than 2 months i spoke to anyone other than my colleagues and family members.


K.Radha replied. Dearest Anu,

It was so sad to read the story of your loss and my heart goes out to you and your husband, I am so very sorry. I read your second post, how you' re smiling but it is nothing more than a mask, that you feel you can' t always control your upset... Anu, you have lost a baby, you lost your son, your first born, it is only normal to feel emotions that are powerful, unknown and uncontrolable. Precious little Rundransh will always be a part of your life but the tears will slowly become smiles. However, right now, you' re supposed to be going through this collection on emotions, thoughts and concerns. Just go with the flow... It is amazing how quickly we learn how to control ourselves in front of others, people see us smiling and think how great it is that you' re finally getting over it... Meanwhile you' re going home each night only to break down crying. And none of that teary stuff either... Oh No this is gut wrenching sobs! They don' t know how hard it is to go through life in a normal way, we don' t know how we manage it ourselves and we get upset that we don' t have that same control at times when, in private, we' re completely falling apart and drowning with emotion. Sounding familiar at all Anu? You have a million memories that others will NEVER have of baby Rudransh, it takes time to work through all of that. The worst thing you can do is begin to judge yourself in anyway. Allow yourself the freedom to feel and express the emotions you' re going through... The over powering side of things will fade soon enough... Make the most of every moment, everything... It all adds up to the sum of Rudransh' s life.

I was so touched to read about little Rudransh' s features! Isn' t it wonderful to look down into a tiny baby' s face and see yourself and your hubby? I know that when we held our daughter Ishani, more than with my other two children, I was sooo desperate to know what she looked like. And like you we saw ourselves and others in our family in the features of our daughter... I always found it something of a comfort to know that I could look at that person and see a little of Ishani. Did you get photos? We' ve some darling photos of Ishani around the house and many of our friends have their angel babies photos somewhere in there houses. You might want to consider that at some point in time.

About your friends, Anu, you don' t want to loose their friendship but you are in need of some time out. The problem is people don' t quite understand how loosing your child affects your life. Try as a person might it is down right impossible to express anything close to what you' re going through, short of loosing a child they' ll never come close to comprehending how it ' messes you up' but that doesn' t mean you can' t or shouldn' t try. Right now I am guessing that glowingly pregnant women and babies are a really frightening thing for you to think of facing. I dare say that there are nights you sit there in the dark crying holding a pillow in your arms yearning to hold Rudransh, even if it is only for a moment. Tell them this, let them know its not their fault our your failing... Its just that right now you are unable... Stress that, physicaly and emotionaly you are unable to do this and remind them how happy you are for them... This is a happy time for them Anu and they will be wondering what it is that is keeping you from sharing it. Underneath it all part of how you' re feeling is because Rudransh' s death has robbed you of the joys of motherhood, write a letter explaining this... Enclose your post, what you wrote about Rudransh' s birth and what you' re going through and how right now you feel unable to take their calls explains more than enough. Take care of yourself Anu... Somewhere over ther rainbow is little Rudransh, just waiting to wrap his arms around you. We might be apart from our babies for a very long time but they' re never very far away... They' re never further away than in our hearts.

Many of the warmest and sweetest wishes life can give... Anu replied. Hi Sudha,Siya and TBP

Thanks you very much for the replies. I want to ask you guys how did u cope up..yeah, i know we can' t forget our babies but seeing other babies i am unable to control. We think about the baby each and every second in the whole pregnancy and finally we don' t have the baby. Its hard to get back to normal life and we forget to smile. At work my collegue is very nice person and he always asks me to smile but how can i smile..i pretend to him smiling.But there is no single day without crying.He would have 2 months old now.

Sudha, till now we didn' t say our baby name to anyone but now i am telling you guys his name is Rudransh. I liked this name from my school days onwards, i used to watch a serial \" Shanthi\" i know this name from that one. I can' t imagine, he is no more.
What can we do now, only have faith in god thats all.

Takecare



siya replied. i am really sorry to hear about ur loss...anu we all are sailing in the boat we been through HELL but belive me now is our turn to be heaven.....we definately have not done anything wrong to others but whatever have happened has happened ....now we cannot do anything about it we are helpless for it......
i too face the same problem when was deliver there were around 7 deliveries of my friends and relatives but do know something only my baby died non others...i accepted it..its really killing but when u accept your pain is lessened ...i dont weather it is true or not...
but still we have to live to bring back our lost babies...belive me one day we all will get our babies back.....
for me also it was difficult as i conceived after 6 of married life....with no complication...not even a single voimtting no morning sickness...but still baby didnt survived......just have faith in god and keep praying and take of those around u because they are trying to make strong to face it they temselves are weakk inside.

take care. sudha replied. my heart felt prayer to god that he gives u power to bear this pain and show u a new day . my angel story is so similar to ours ours was a girl we had named her Rishona ..did u name him???
i would say donot take phn calls now if ur mom is still with u ask her to receive the calls and very politely say that u need privacy i too went through the same .r u an indian??? u can very well understand curious neighbours sudenly dropping in or giving in unwarranted advice ...too much sympathy it gets v irritataed
ur wound is still raw grieve over fully dont stop when u feel like crying ..u have give out ur feeling reach out for help in ur spouse ..to this board we are all with you..
time will lessen the pain as i can say so ... i will be celebrating Rishonas b day this nov but never will u forget the details ... though i never saw her i will never forget her....
may god bless u and give the strength to bear the same
sudha
Tryingtobepositive replied. Dearest Anu,

I am so sorry for your loss.I can totally understand what you are going through.It must be really tough for you right now especially after all the ups and downs you had during your pregnancy.

I know nothing I say right now will lessen your pain.But trust me Time is the biggest healer.You are never going to forget your baby but your pain will lessen with time.Allow yourself enough time to grieve.It is really important that you share your feelings and don' t keep them bottled inside you.If you have trouble talking you your family members or a friend please feel free to post your feelings here.This is a wonderful board with a lot of us going through the same thing and trust me you will find lot of support here.

Also,remember,you will go through a whole range of emotions and that is pretty normal.Your family and friends may act a little weird at times,thats normal too.You husband may have differnt ways of coping as well.But remember,he has lost a child too and he understands what you are going through.

From you post it sounds like you are in the US.I am in US too.feel free to mail me if you wish.My gmail id is mspositive23.

My dear,have faith.You will be able to get through this.I don' t know why this happens to some of us,but there is always a reason.I don' t know what that reason is though.Hopefully,I will have an answer on day.

You take care, Sweetie.And remember,if you need help,it is only a post or mail away.I visit this site pretty frequently,though not everyday.Trust me,I will reply as soon as I can.

Best Wishes,

TBP