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Miscarriage and Child Loss:K.Radha
2007-09-10
Name: Anubhooti Hi Kate!I lost my child.It was a missed miscarriage(11+4/40 weeks).Got D&C on th of sep.M so depressed.I feel no pain can be greater than that.What should I do?Plz..........plz...help me.
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2007-09-12
#1
Name: K.Radha
Subject:  trust him
Hey Anubhooti,

I know it all seems so hard right now and if you feel like you' re isolated without someone to talk to you know that there are plenty of ladies here willing to give their support. I think you need to have a little faith in your hubby Anubhooti, he might not have carried your baby but he also lost a child. He might show it differently but he will be every bit as heart broken as you. You should cry in front of him if the mood comes over you, he will understand why, give him a chance to do something.

Men do not have quite the luxury of tears as we women do, we will cry and show the pain we feel but a man usually needs to DO SOMETHING. I know lots of hubbies have said they were lost and confused without any idea what to do and they craved for some task. Even if it was something as simple as love making, they need to help and we should accept it. Be honest about how you feel, cry if you must and ask him to hold you. Tell your hubby what you need, be it a hug, sympathetic words or a cup of hot tea. He will be happy that he is taking part in healing together, and you won' t feel quite so alone either. I am sure if you talk to your hubby he feels every bit as lost hurt and confused as you do.

I think the poem you wrote was lovely, I really do. It was amazingly honest, very much a snap shot of a moment in time, a vivid description of your thoughts feeling and actions at this point in yout life. It was hard to read and stirred up a lot of emotions in me, it reminded me of when I was in your very place, it was a dark lonely time for me but you' re not alone. That is one of the most important things to keep in mind. You' re not alone! Please open up with your hubby, talk to him, share the memories you have of your baby, coax from him his thoughts and feelings because together is the only way through this. How can it make sense to cry alone in private, ALONE away from the man who in love created a child with you TOGETHER?!?! Anubhooti I wish you all the best in the coming weeks, be strong in reaching out to trust your hubby with your deepest feelings and keep hopeful of happier days because they are coming. It might seem like a life time away but there will be a day when you will be laughing again.

Many warm regards

Kate
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2007-09-12
#2
Name: abcd
Subject:  have faith in god
hi anubhooti,

i read your mail today and for some time i also started remembering my past.just a year ago even i had to go for a termination.i also wrote mails in this sections.all girls here were very supportive and helped me a lot in sharing my grief.

loosing a child is very heartbreaking for both husband and wife.i remember i used to weep for in some corner of my room thinking\" where did i go wrong,y it happened with me,whats my fault\" ...but till now no answers..

as time has passed by im moving on hoping to have a healthy child and cute baby..just like my hubby.im also thinking positive and trying.have faith in god.he has his own ways and plans.

good that you posted your mails here.its a good place to express your in deep feelings and all of us here will understand your situation.u take care..think positive and pray god.

i would like to say one more thing...dont get very desparate for another child,i know anxiety is there...but it further stresses us and delays pregnency.i was also like this but now im focussing my health first then baby.
its more important to have a healthy and normal child...not just a child.i hope u got my message.
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2007-09-12
#3
Name: Anubhooti
Subject:  heart felt
Hi Radha
U know when for the first time I came on this board(in jul last)I read all ur posts....old ones(when U urself were feeling like me)and then new ones too (when U were healing all others by ur valuable thoughts).And ofcourse Siya was also a person I was concerned with.

At heart I am a very imotional girl.Inherited this from my parents.

U know my parents lost a full term baby boy(still birth) and a baby girl (prematured born in 7th month).My parents have every memory of both of them.Even their waight and size... along with the colour of hair...,what my father felt at the time, he took them in his hands.... and many more things like what features of them were inherited from which parent.....

My father is a very good poet but professionally he is a doctor.
He made albums of both of my siblings.always celebrates their b´ days.Stored every thing he braught for them.They never let me or my youngers(one sis and one brthr)share those things.

They have all memories of we three too.and they treasure it.Whenever I saw those things I always cried.My father runs a cheritable hospital daily for two hours without any fees in the memory of my two unsurvived siblings.

when I came on this board I just felt the same for you and Siya and all those who lost their babies, what I felt when I used to see all the things at my home.

I really can say now I lost a less than U,Siya and ofcourse my Parents.Even mine was a premature birth,and I didn´ t cry for two hrs....My mum was serious and the nurse said the baby is dead so Doctors were concentrating on my mum only and everybody believed that I was dead,suddenly my papa came and gave me a hug and I cried....Nurse did n´ t even cleaned me thinking that that I was dead.when my father came to know that I was alive He just went mad with joy.....

finally they became parents of a live baby.They have my weekly photographs.

U know y I have written this ..........for U all.....to give a new hope.I know whoever reads it will surely have tears of both sorrow and joy......
But this is the story how I came in this world............

And the most amazing thing is that.....I did n´ t remember my own story for me this time.......
It was my hubby who told me this story in bed this morning holding my head in his lap,letting me cry and showing me the rising sun ....A day full of hope................

If I hurt somebody for reminding a forgotten pain I do apologise..............

U all have heart.We must hold ourselves.
U all and my hubby and me too believe that we all will have healthy and cute babies
bye for now
stay in touch
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2007-09-12
#4
Name: Anubhooti
Subject:  not in our hands
well said everybody.thanx U all.My Dr.said I can try again after one clear period,but reading all ur posts and through ur experiences and advices I decided to get along with TTC after some more time.I m 25 and hubby is 30 and we got married in Jan,this year only.we both like and therefore love to have a child at the earliest.but.........something...somewhere is beyond our wish and will.....
I will pray for each of you who are on TTC and will follow you right behind you.I just wanted to clear up one thing to you all..........I did n´ t injured me myself it was just bcoz I fell over the washbasin.Plz ...plz...don´ t think I did commitany of such things.........yeah...it was my fault that I did n´ t have food since I got D&C...but having that too since yesterday....U all are my sweet friends and for sure angel mums to be.....helped me so much ...releiving my pain and ofcourse an understanding support...just a post away..
Salute to you all
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2007-09-11
#5
Name: Tryingtobepositive
Subject:  Hi Anubhooti
Dear Anubhooti,

I am so sorry for your loss.I know how you are feeling right now and what you are going through.I had to go through the same in May and I felt that it was the end of the world and wanted to die as well.But I have a very loving and supportive husband who would have been very lonely if I would have done anything like that.

Like Kate and Siya said,men will react differently to situations.But your hubby will be the most supportive one and you will find a lot of support on this website as well.

Try your best to take care of yourself.It is very important that you get healthy.

I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason.I don' t know if it is for better or worse but God has a plan for everyone.Why some of us have to suffer more than others that I don' t know.

The poem is beautiful.It is very important for you to express your feelings.I think it helps with the healing process.

Anyway,I am having a hard day today.Everytime I read a post about someone losing their baby,it brings back my memories.Somedays I can cope better than others.But today is 9/11 and I am in US and the atmosphere here is very gloomy today as is.So I am finding it harder to cope.

Anyway,please take care of yourself and keep writing both here and your poems.Trust me one day you will write a different poem.

Take care and keep in touch!
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2007-09-11
#6
Name: siya
Subject:  hi anubhooti
Dear Anubhooti,

At this point of time u need to be very strong as ur husband may seem to be strong but would be shattered inside……we women cry and make our heart light but men are not like us ….so dear just take care…..and eat healthy so u would get ready at earliert to conceive…..now just think beyond it…ur gynac would have ask u to wait for some time…prepare ur self for next pregnancy….
See I was asked to wait for 6 months that is till aug….just like u I was also in a hurry…then my gynac explained me the reason y I should think positive and wait …at that time I thought she is stupid…but she was right I realized later…
My earlier gynac was our relative …for full 9 months I went to her… but when I was in pain and admitted in hospital she refused come in the late night…I was admitted there by 9 pm and she reported next morning at 9am just to kill my baby……I conceived after 7 odd years of our marriage and that is why paras so very much required not only by us but every one around……
At this point what is required the most is ur husband support and nothing else really matters….
Keep in touch with kate she is a wonderful healer and counselor she was there when I needed a friend the most at times she was the only one who could understand my feelings….
There is law of life…...I quote “ that everything changes …everything is temporary”…so is our time. at this point of time we have to suffer when others have there babies with them. it wont stay the same we will make it through. all those who have lost their babies will definitely have one with them….but don’t loose hope and don’t do anything stupid which u did today..
Take care
siya
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2007-09-11
#7
Name: siya
Subject:  hi anubhooti
would like to share something which somehow console me..its an abstract from Celeberating the silence...

there is no problem that cannot be solved. when u have a problem u think cannot be solved, u have to accept it. then it is no longer a problem but a FACT.
the only thing u must remember is how fortunate u r ...when u forget it u become sad.

i too lost my son (a full term) paras...things were very difficult for me also even today i have problem....i developed a sort of inferiority complex from all those who have babies or are expecting...i just cannot stand them...till i conceive again...my mother says its wrong it should not be the case ...she explains ....makes me comfortable....till i again get my menses...things goes on ..healing takes its time ..no one can replace what we had lost ....but still we have to be HAPPPY. AND THINK POSITIVE ....at times i know its very difficult
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2007-09-11
#8
Name: Anubhooti
Subject:  thanx
Siya thanx a lot U and Kate both are very helping hands at this time.I have cried a lot,I didn´ t have even food .today my pain was so terrible and i was bleeding badly bcozI got fainted in wash room and injured myself on the forehead.My hubby called for GP and took me to bed.Today he cried so much saying that," I do never want a child at ur cost,I love you most,I care for you,You are my first child and plz don´ t do it to ur and myself" It was when I unconciously said a many thigs,which he didn´ t tell me,but yes I know I have to take care of my hubby too.I will come over it for sure and will not do those silly things again.He showed me ur posts and read these for me too.Now I m feeling better.Thanx u Both Siya and Radha
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2007-09-11
#9
Name: K.Radha
Subject:  trying times
Dearest Anubhooti,

I know that right now very few things I can say will make you feel any better about things but I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I know it is very early days but by now you will surely know that emotions run high and loose after something like this. You don' t expect to hear that you' re not going to keep the child you are carrying, that they' ve passed away or that you' ve miscarried and need a D&C comes as massively shocking news. You' re going to find there are moments you feel like your heart will burst with pain or that no matter how much you have cried you still can' t get out all the sadness you' re feelings.

Other days you' ll feel optimistic about things and find yourself smiling, occasionally you' ll wonder if you' re a bad person for being able to laugh after a recent loss. Your husband will be both the most supportive person during this time and he will also seem to be the one person who doesn' t understand you... My point is you will feel a tumult of emotions over the coming weeks but give yourself time to feel them and remember your darling baby and don' t forget that what you' re going through is normal!

The poem you posted was lovely, did you write that? I think it is very important to find ways to express your feelings and to remember your child... But I do believe I have posted about that. As for God' s part in everything, well, I think we each have our own very private and personal beliefs. I don' t think we suffer a loss for something better... The pain alone negates any benefits of the better thing to come and I can' t imagine why God would take our child either... I do however agree with Siya and believe with all my heart that each of us angel momma' s will be rewarded somehow, be it with another child, a different perspective on life or a renewed sense of hope.

Takl with your husband and with people close to you, get as much support as you can and don' t be ashamed to tell someone when you feel like you need your spirits lifted... These are trying days but be strong in the belief that life will soon be a much happier one than it is right now. Also you might notice your hubby seems to feel different about the loss than you do, he might seem less hurt but it is only that men react differently to a woman. He too has lost a baby dear to him but you both have plenty of time to conceive again when you are ready. I hope you are feeling a little better soon Anubhooti and that my words have helped a little. Keep in touch!
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2007-09-11
#10
Name: Anubhooti
Subject:  Kate
Dear Kate!I live in UK,I don´ t have anyone to share my feelings with.My hubby is very loving and caring,however don´ t know why I can never cry infront of him for my loss.I always think that it was only me who carried my baby and felt his very existance,my hubby even didn´ t get that,infact we never tried to talk over this.I did write that poem.poem writing is the best way to express the feelings for me though I never expected this poem I would write some day.Thanx a tonn Radha!I feel very lonely in this country.Plz help me out.I need U all badly.
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2007-09-10
#11
Name: siya
Subject:  hi
hi anubhooti,

i can understand what u r going through.....this is the hardest part of life...just have faith in god ...may be he has something better than this one....have paiternce and try to be happy only then u would be able to conceive at earliest...

siya
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2007-09-11
#12
Name: Anubhooti
Subject:  To my Baby shukla
I miss you a lot!!!!

Daily with each going day I remember
With sadness and regret
The loss of you my child!
With the tears you left

It’s been a week of longing
Wishing you would return to me
For though you’ve left for ever
I just can’t “set you free”

Though time will make it easier
To go from day to day
No one can ever understand the
Spetial role your life did play

For every day you were a part
Of love and joy and life...
Now when you have gone
How I will survive?

Emotions…,they are raw today,
I’m simply torn apart…..
For hollow ,wrenching feelings
Tearing apart this very heart.

An emptiness..,that’s deeper than
The oceans…..fill my soul
A painfull sorrow bites my
Inner self beyond my control

Those silly little things………..
We loved …now cause me harm…
All that I w’d have loved with you
No longer holds its charm

We’re packing just to get away,
And leave this home we’ve lived….
For without you to share this with,
I get just tears from it.

I want to feel you as I turn each step,
I watch that little scan each day…..
Oh my little one ,I miss u so………….
Much more than words can ever say…………………

Your mum
Anubhooti








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2007-09-11
#13
Name: Anubhooti
Subject:  Hi Siya
When God has something always better then why he decides to take things away from us.
I do have faith in God.
But how can U live when You Feel the most important part of ur life has died.I just try to come up with it all but I can´ t...........
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