BENEFITS OF BEING A WOMAN

• We got off the Titanic first. 
• We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
• We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers. 
• Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours. 
• We never ejaculate prematurely.
• We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. 
• We can cry and get off speeding fines. 
• We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game. 
• Taxis stop for us. 
• We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers......
• Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. 
• We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 
• Free drinks, free dinners. 
• We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.
• We can hug our friends without wondering if they're gay. 
• We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay. 
• New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. 
• If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling. 
• It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. 
• No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo. 
• We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves. 
• If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 
• We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt. 
• If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it. 
• We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 
• If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. 
• We have the ability to dress ourselves. 
• We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 
• If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're well aware that we look like an idiot. 
• There are times when chocolate really can solve all our problems. 
• We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
• We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. 
• We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra. 
• We'll never regret piercing our ears. 

STAGES OF A WOMAN'S LIFE

Age 3: Looks at herself and sees a queen! 
Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty. 
Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as Fat/Pimples/UGLY (Mom, I can't go to school looking like this!) 
Age 20: Looks at herself and sees too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly-- but decides she's going anyway. 
Age 30: Looks at herself and sees too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly -- but decides she doesn't have time to fix it so she's going anyway. 
Age 40: Looks at herself and sees too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly -- but says, At least I am clean, and goes anyway. 
Age 50: Looks at herself and sees I am and goes wherever she wants to go. 
Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. She goes out and conquers the world. 
Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life. 
Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world. 
Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier! 
 

Every Woman Should Have...

• Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to. 
• The realization that she is actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to fund it. 
• A skin care regime, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after age 30. 
• Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored. 
• One friend who always makes her laugh and one who lets her cry. 
• Something perfect to wear if the man of her dreams wants to see her in an hour. 
• A purse and a suitcase that she's not ashamed to be seen carrying. 
• A youth she's content to move beyond. 
• A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age. 
• A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family. 
• A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded. 
• A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better. 
• A feeling of control over her destiny.
• A set of screwdrivers, a drill and a black lace bra. 

QUOTES

And finally, here are some great quotes by success, funny and wonderful women with attitude and a zest for life. 

'In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.' - Margaret Thatcher

'I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.'- Gloria Steinem

'Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.' - Gloria Steinem

'You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.'- Erica Jong

'I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours!' - Rita Rudner

'Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.'- Erma Bombeck

'If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.' - Sue Grafton

'I think, therefore I'm single.'- Lizz Winstead

'When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.'- Elayne Boosler

'Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.'- Maryon Pearson