dear radha,

r u a doctor or a counceller, i am gald that i have a friend like u ...could help me in decieding as to when to ttc ....and could tell how did u and ur gained courage to get pitcure of ishani everytime in front of u (in cars) u wrote it in one of your messages as i always brust crying when i see paras' s photos... i always aviod confornting it.

love siya K.Radha replied. Dearest Siya,

I can' t tell you when to try again, this is something only you can truly decide. Regardless of timing your futures pregnancies will be bitter sweet, you' ll feel such joy and hope at the thought of another child but you might find there are days it stirs up sad memories of your little Paras. I guess all said and done it comes down to two things... Do you want another baby and has your doctor said you' re physically fit to conceive again. If the answer to both is yes than go for it! I' m not a doctor and I am not a trained counselor but I did take a short course in counselling skills because I post here so often and felt it might be helpful to myself & others.

I don' t think that it is strength or courage that allows me to look at Ishani' s photo. Yesterday Ishani would have been 19 months old and time has softened the hardest pains. Never the less there are days that I will break down and sob as though it were only yesterday that it all happened. I spent a lot of time with Ishani before she was cremated, it took 17 days for me to plan and prepare for the funeral and in that time I spent hours and hours with Ishani. My two older children met her and they too cuddled and cried over their sister which is for me a touching memory. I don' t mean for it to sound as though it was easy, far from it... But for me, the sadness a photo causes me pales in comparison to the heart ache of holding her, seeing her slowly change with each passing day knowing every little alteration was a part of death and not life. But more than anything else she was my daughter and I feel I owed it to her to love her and embrace her the same as I did with my other children.

I both loved and hated every moment I spent with Ishani but the time we had built very powerful memories. I know that had I missed out on seeing her I would never have gotten over it or forgiven myself. And studies have shown that it is beneficial emotionally for a woman to see their child and get a good sense of the trueness & beauty of that little person they carried for so long. And like you I used to cry and cry and cry when I looked at Ishani' s photos, I still do at times. There comes a time when you start remembering the good things more than the bad. Sometimes you have to force those sad thoughts away and think hard to recall something nice but if you always try to do this often it starts to become second nature. I am sure he is an exquisite child and you should be very grateful to have such a tangible memory of your child because there are many women who not only didn' t see their baby, they also have no photos.

Do you know what really stirs up my upsets? Not Ishani' s photos, it' s music! Songs that make me think of Ishani break me apart! I recall once I was driving and a song that we played to Ishani at her funeral came on the radio and I found myself needing to pull over because I was crying so hard. Another time I was at a friends house and she was playing a CD which had one of \" Ishani' s Songs\" and I started screaming turn it off please! So you should know you' re not alone in having those emotional triggers.

Can I suggest something? Please try to look at Paras' s photo, it will hurt but it can also be such a comfort to see your child, to see that they had your nose or your husbands chin or whatever else is comparable... It' s wonderful! And it is something to hold on to, some part of you is in them and there fore they are in you too, always. Maybe you could sit down with someone like your mother or husband or a good friend for some support when you next look at Paras' s photo. The road to happiness is a long one but it isn' t one to be scared of and it' s one that takes continual effort and strength which you DO have, despite what you think. Take a little more time and ask yourself if you think you' re sufficiently ready emotionally to have another child before finally commiting to trying again and when you' re ready I wish you a healthy and happy ending to your next pregnancy.