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Miscarriage and Child Loss:grief still there.

2007-03-05

Name: abcd hello,

i am a regular reader of this board and u must have read my mails sometimes with name. well i had to terminate my pregnency for some medical reasons which was very shakening and depressing for me...thanks a lot to girls like shared emotions, aarti, K.Radha was supporting me...its strange sometimes when we have not even seen these people they become so close to us just by thre support during hard times.
well now im trying again...but beleive me there is no excitement to have a baby.because of such an unplesent experiance i am unable to even think how will i complete full term even if i concieve.i am soo tense.what does god want i dont know,but atleast girls i want some support from you all...so tht i start thinking positive.i am not able to forget was has happ with me although the grief has subsided a little..i posted my message here because u people can understand what a loss of child means.please i am just asking for one thing frm you..please keep the good work of supporting each other during hard times.i also need to think fresh and positive.when peole give positive replies to mails it feels good.i am so scared to even concieve.i just hope this time good is kind enough and i wish all of you to be happy in life.
thanks for reading my mails.

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2007-03-10

Name: Sangeeta
Subject:

Hi,

After reading you message i felt the same condition of mine, even for me getting convieve after misscarige in my fourth month, i am scared what will happen again after i convie... but you are very much right that the positive reply and support from all these people specially from radha and Aarti help us a lot. At least for people like me who have no support from any elderly person in house. Me and my husband are always there for each other but some comments and suggestion which i get from this site help me a lot to maintain my mental balance.

Once again i would like to thanks all the people who take out their time and read our words of heart...

Please do help people like us.....

Thanks
Sangeeta

2007-03-06

Name: Aarti
Subject:

Radha, Thanks

Dear Radha,

Many thanks for your kind words. While grief is not something to be compared I cannot imagine how I would have survived your loss. You are an inspiration.

Warm regards, Aarti

2007-03-06

Name: abcd
Subject:

i know

ya guys i know tht i did nothing which is y such a thing happened...but i have also become supersitious now, cause i have started feeling tht people dont like our happiness...i dont know why..well i am speaking to my doc he said tht its ok..keep on trying and come after 6 months or so then they shall see...i stay in mumbai and my doc is good in mumbai

2007-03-06

Name: Aarti
Subject:

I understand

Abcd,

I took superstition to a ridiculous extent during my subsequent pregnancy, including avoiding the same restaurants or favorite foods, even the brand of prenatal pills. This might sound silly but at that time I just did not want to repeat anything from that pregnancy. I casually mentioned this to the perinatal loss co-ordinator at my hospital. She said it was very common among mothers who have lost pregnancies. As long as it did not interfere with daily life it was fine to continue :-)

Keep your chin up and stay as busy as possible.

- Aarti

2007-03-05

Name: abcd
Subject:

thanks

Thank u aarti and K.Radha for your replies. i am doing things which u people have said. I pray to god everyday...i am working also i used to do that before,but whenever im alone its never been tht i dont think what has happened.as far as health im also taking vitamins pills as told by doc. u see after my termination when we did all test..im telling u now that we came to know tht our baby had chromosomal prob(trisomy 18)which is 90% fatal after delivery.i went to soooooooo much research on internet abt trisomy 18.doc said these things happ by chance and(rather bad luck)but he said tht its good tht it was detected by ultrasound.tell me guys WHATS MY FAULT in such situation. But im Taking care now as much as i can rest is God wish.Anyways i Pray god everyday..i ahve started trying ..lets see how it works.thank u

abcd

2007-03-06

Name: K.Radha
Subject:

keep the faith

Dear Abcd,

Aarti is right in so many ways! You have done nothing that had lead to this occuring. What happened was simply a very sad twist of fate and you should not go thinking that you could have done something to lead to this. No one wants to loose a baby, least of all be confronted with a decision such as you have faced.

Hygeia is a very good site, it has a search option where you can find other members who have lost children for similar if not the same reasons and you also have the option of finding members who live close to you. Aside from good medical care and a sympathetic doctor what you will need most is someone who has been through what you might be going through.

I wonder if IP are thinking of starting a forum for people who are ttc or are pregnant after a loss? Maybe we should suggest this. I think that would be very helpful to someone in your position. I feel a bit impotent given that the only experience I can share with you is your loss but I am certain Aarti who has lost and gone on to conceive again will be here help to you. More than anything take her advice and believe you can do this.

2007-03-05

Name: Aarti
Subject:

Hello again

Hi abcd,

I am so glad that you responded. I was hoping you will be able to share the reason behind the termination. You are right, from what I´ ve read trisomy 18 occurs as a chance occurence. If you can I urge you to visit the hygeia website. There are many women in their database who have lost babies due to trisomy. The women on that board helped me survive my next pregnancy.

There was ABSOLUTELY NO FAULT in your situation. We blame ourselves for the loss when there is nothing we could have done. I went through many weeks blaming myself for my loss..." maybe I strained too much in the kitchen" , " I should not have called my friends for dinner" , " I should not have driven for long distances in the car" , " I should have taken more rest" etc. It was just endless.

I will think of you in the days to come. Do keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

Best wishes, Aarti

2007-03-05

Name: Aarti
Subject:

One day at a time

Dear abcd,

The best you can do right now is to take things one at a time. Right now do everything you can to be as healthy as possible so that you can conceive. If there were any medical reasons for your termination can you find out if you can do anything before conceiving to prevent it? Eat well, rest, continue prenatal pills, get any pending dental work done, get absorbed in work or hobbies so that you can get a bit distracted or if time and budget permits take a small vacation. In addition to the above, I included prayer to help me get from one day to the next. I also went to the hygeia org website for support from other mothers (while TTC and pregnancy).

Once you conceive, take your pregnancy one day at a time. Don' t think of the outcome. We have no control over the outcome but we can alter our thoughts and feelings about the pregnancy. I agree that is easier said than done. But believe in yourself that it is possible to nurture a beautiful bonny baby inside you. If you are unhappy with your current doctor you can see if going to a new one will help. Someone who can understand what you have been through and provide some more care and assurance during the pregnancy.

Keep believing that YOU CAN DO IT.

All my prayers and best wishes, Aarti

2007-03-06

Name: K.Radha
Subject:

belated thanks

Dearest Aarti,

Your posts are always a pleasure to read and I always look forward to hearing what you have to say to others because I recall how helpful you were to me when I was recently bereved. I don´ t know if I ever took the time to thank you personally for the time and advice you gave to me but I sincerely want to say thank you, not only for myself but for everyone here. I am so sorry that you have had to suffer a loss and truly I wish no one ever had to go through this but I´ d be lying if I didn´ t say I am grateful for the wisdom it has given you and for the way you are so willing to share it with us. Frankly you are a glowing example of how we are able to grow and learn from something as tragic as this. All the best now and always

2007-03-05

#10

Name: K.Radha
Subject:

look past things to a brighter future!

Dearest Abcd,

You' ve gone through something traumatic and you can' t change that this loss is a part of your history and no matter how you move on there will come times in your life that it will set you back. Of course you' re going to have a lot of anxiety and given the negative assiciation you now have with a sucessful pregnancy out come it is only normal that you will find yourself filled with doubts.

I think the best way to realign your thoughts from negative to positive is to concentrate on what is good. For example, you are able to conceive physically, that is a good thing. You' ve got support here and possibly at home and again that is a good thing. Your medical conditions are known and can therefore be treated to protect your child, again another positive.

And also, you are more inclined to have some doubts and feel like you can' t ' get into' the pregnancy but once you are pregnant and once baby starts moving you will feel different... Even if you never bond and even if you always feel worried I just know the moment you hold your child the months of stress and tension will fade away and feel like they were worth it

Once I would have said the destination in any journey is not the important part... How e travel and what we see makes it worth the while but maybe after a loss no journey is without it' s pain so perhaps all you can do is fix your eyes on the horizon and have faith you will get to the place you want to be most... In a delivery suit with a sqirming baby nursing at your breast. I' m afraid I don' t know what else to say other than if at anytime you need to talk I am never any further than here... I might not reply immediately but I will reply the moment I read your post. All the best Abcd. With much love!
Kate

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