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Joint Family:IGNORE INLAWS
2006-09-19
Name: Rajeev



hello i have gone thru so maby posts most of you have problems with your MILS friends i would suggest that IGNORE,IGNORE AND IGNORE is the best policy if you are tortured, that too mentally.lift up your spirits look for a better way of living .if you know someone is troubling you on pretext just dont bother atleast dont show it to a person,ignorance is a bliss.all the best to all of you........A well wisher
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2007-05-29
#1
Anonymous Name: suhani
Subject:  agree with jyoti and ritika



i agree with jyoti and ritika. How much a person can bear and for how much long time. DIL is always scruitened at home. If she does whole work for one week and for one day by chance she is not able to do, everybody at home is there to blame her. apart from that, she is not allowed to resist all the scodings done by MIL, as in our culture we have to respect elders, whatever they do with us. In this condition, your husband is also not in condition to say anything even if by chance he understands whats the problem at his mother. Because all the onus will go to him then, so he lets his wife suffer till the time she stops resisting for family' s sake or her kid' s sake. Even if you are too much educated or earning too much, it wont make any difference, because you have been brought to do all the work at home, whatever may be the situation with you. you know how it feels, when you are pregnent and if by chance you got sick for one day and not able to do work, your MIL creates hell at home becuase today she had to cook and you were resting and you are told you have made her servant at home. i dont know what should a DIL do, so that she can keep her self respect and make her in-laws happy too?
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2006-09-19
#2
Anonymous Name: Jyoti
Subject:  well put Ritika



Agree with everything ritika said.

Another point i have is, is that how you'd want your parents to be treated by your wife?

Many times a wife respects her in-laws and has all well intentions, but the in-laws interpret it in the wrong way and when you try to clarify, she is trying to cover up her mistake by words, when there was no mistake. so most of the time she keeps quiet. The more this goes on the in-laws keep on pointing fingers at everything she does. and the husband, blinded by the love of his parents, always blames the wife.

Now how can a wife ignore something this is a misunderstanding, which is creating problems in her family. between her love of life, husband and her? When the in-laws try to alienate her as an outsider.

You cannot ignore all this. Although, you may try to detach yourself emotionally for the everyday emotional abuse, every now and then it just hits you.

It is husbands job to be more objective to the who situation and bring netrality between wife and parents, as normally he can speak more than the wife in indian families.
All you need is one netural person who understands both sides within the family, who can speak to the situation. Many times a wife doesn't have anyone on her side and so she keeps on trying ways to cope with her situation her self.

I am not sure if you are married or not, but unless you have exprience on these issues, you cannot just say something without truly understanding it. As the web of family relationships is very delicate and needs a lot of nurturing, caring and attention.
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2006-09-19
#3
Anonymous Name: Ritika
Subject:  Difficult to practice



Rajeev,

Have you ever tried doing what you have mentioned in your post?

It is very easy to tell somebody - \" just ignore the person abusing you. Lift your spirits and be happy.\" However, it is practicable only to a certain extent and that also when you are staying away from your in laws...Even the ladies who try to ignore do feel the hurt of the abuse..it doesnt go away from their heart just because they try to ignore it...

But when you are living WITH them and there is not much escape from their verbal abuse and mental torture, it can be very hard to shake off everything from your mind.

In a case where the wife does not have any support from the husband also, it leaves her in a very emotionally vulnerable position. She is in a house where the in-laws are belittling her (thus sapping her self confidence), trying to make her feel like an outsider, trying to create problems between her husband and her, trying to control each and every one of her actions...

If you are a married guy, please imagine yourself (if you can) staying at your wife's house with her parents commenting in a negative way over each and every thing you do, your wife telling her parents about all your private conversations..your mil telling you that you cannot talk or visit your own parents any more as now you are a part of their family...your fil/mil/wife hitting you sometimes if you do not follow their orders..filling your wife's ears about the negative and disrespectful things that you have (supposedly) done to them in her absence...so that she doesnt trust you any more and keeps telling you that her parents are more important to her than you can ever be...she can leave you but not her parents...and if you retaliate by words then she hits you....

Think about how easy (or difficult) it would be for you to ignore all this...and that also without any support from any one...

Please do not feel bad about my reply..I'm sure you had good intentions behind it...but as they say...it is very hard for anybody to understand how badly your shoes are pinching you until they have worn the shoes themselves...
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