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Joint Family:I'm under mental trauma.........pls help!!!!
2006-09-18
Name: Sunaina Gupta



Hello friends...
I'm amongst one of those DIL's whose being mentally harassed by in-laws. Pls help me come out of it. I know it's going to be a long story but pls go thru it once.
Actually i've been married for 3 3/4 years and initially for a year and a half i and my hubby were in poland. After 4mnths of our marriage my MIL came to stay with us. I was happy that she came to visit us and she was also too good with me. She stayed with us for some time and then came back to India. My husband use to spend most of the time with her. I use to be busy in household work and both of them use to talk very slowly inside the room but i didn't mind all that.His actions or his behaviour use to hurt me sometimes but i thought that's all my illusions. My husband's behaviour slowly started changing after she left. He started asking me to call my parents in front of him and many more things of the sort. He himself use to call his parents every single day without thinking of the expense. Though we hardly use to go out due to his busy nature of the job but then it was like we use to go most of the time for just groceries. I'm not saying that he didn't love me but still it was not at all of the kind that v were newly married. He used to scold me for small-small things. He even pushed me hard when once an argument broke between us but somehow controlled himself from hitting.

Then later on we moved back to India and stayed for few mnths with my inlaws. Then i started to come to know what was the reality. Actually my MIL had put into my husband's brain to keep his wife under his full control and not let me talk to my parents much. I came to know that my husband use to call them from his office also cause she knew every petty things that occured between me and my hubby when we were in poland. Then my inlaws one day sat together and scolded me for all the mistakes i did ( though i was shocked to listen to that cause i had not done all that for which they were blaming me) and said that it was a fault that i entered their family and i'm not the type they had thought. Then i came to know that actually my MIL has played a very diplomatic role and has brainwashed my husband and my FIL.
Now, the situation is that my husband is in full control of his parents, tells them every single thing that occurs between us and in our house and even what i've said in a good way, they feel that i'm saying this in a bad manner. They just twists the meaning of what i've said. These people blames me for the things i haven't done. My MIL makes all false stories against me (like i don't take care of her and her food or medicines or headache etc etc.) and tells to my hubby and FIL. Then my FIL will again call a meeting and will scold me and say all rubbish for me and even my parents. He every time says that my parents r not good, interferes in our lives though it's them who is interfering in our lives.
He uses all the abusive language for me and my parents. And i have no other alternative except to listen to and then cry later. I can't even talk to my parents a lot though my hubby calls his parents atleast 3-4 times a day.
Worse part happened when i got pregnant and my husband didn't even take care of me just b'coz he feels that i don't take care of his parents and their feelings. The time when i wanted him most, he was never by my side. Then for delivery i went to my inlaws place and then also my MIL showed everybody that she is taking too much care of me but i know the real truth. The situation worsened after delivery when my MIL didn't let me even take rest at all and did every thing to torture me. I use to cry every single day and when i told my husband he didn't rely me and said that his parents did a lot for me which noone else will do. I use to wear warm clothes but My FIL and MIL said such bad things to me as to what does i look like wearing those clothes and my instincts r bad and too-too much.
Anyways i came back with the baby but still the situation is that my husband does not really listens to me or takes care of my feelings. For him i'm the most unreliable person. He can just trust his parents. I don't do things in a proper manner. Though i know that i'm a very good homemaker and a very good person (both as a wife and a DIL and in every manner).

Now i have started loosing confidence and i'm under too much of mental pain. Sometimes i even feel like running away or commiting suicide. Pls help me i have a small baby boy. Whenever i try to resist they suppress me more by saying that i'm arguing with them or i just try to overcome my mistakes by speaking. Pls suggest me what to do. I'm totally disheartened. Noone is with me in this family not even the one for whom i left my family , my parents and everyone. Pls do help.
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2006-12-13
#1
Anonymous Name: yyyy
Subject:  stand up for yourself



I too went under similar situation. Eventually I learnt the bitter lesson that if a girl is too naive and innocent, she faces trauma. Try to speak less with your inlaws and learn to scream back if need be. Challenge your husband (as this will shake him out) but before this learn to be independant. I have no parents and my m-i-l used to create a great show (during my pregnancy)that she is taking too much care for me (whereas I had to serve them till I dropped dead in privacy). Constant fights, show down left me very weak physically until I retaliated. My husband understand me and my problem (but when his mother come to see him he changes and so does his behavior). Ultimately I learnt to look for my peace than anyone's appreciation or support.

Please do take things lying down. Inform your parents about your situation and tell them that if they do not support you during this crisis,you will severe ties with them. Look into you husband's eyes and be firm. As far as your inlaws are concerned scream at them as if they are street dogs. Thsiis what I did and today I am happy & peaceful.
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2007-05-29
#2
Anonymous Name: xxxx
Subject:  want to know more



hi yyyy, i would like to know how you handled the situation and what was the result? i am also going through same situation and dont know how to cope with it. i am in 9th month of my pregency and my MIL wont let me a peaceful meal for a single time how much bad situation i may be in. i have suffered it for such a long time, but i think now its the time i should take command of my own life. i dont say, that we shuold shout at MIL, because then it will make you equal to her, but i suppose we can just try to speak as little as possible to our MIL and try to mae our boundaries clear to our husband, what we can do in this situation or not. going on suffering and crying wont help, we should know how to react gracefully to this situation. if MIL is bad, she will always be, whatever you do. going on suffering will only keep on making her stronger so i suppose its the time to check your self and take appropriate steps.
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2006-12-08
#3
Anonymous Name: hemakirti
Subject:  dont gv so much importance



hi sunaina,
i hope u r feeling better ,i was just scrolling down today and found ur msg. of sept 06.
iam sure a lot of people r going thru this miserable situation.but i guess i hv realised that by being sad n thinking of commiting suicides u r gvining undue importance to the very people who r troubling u and letting them hv fun .why gv them that pleasure.just concentrate on ur kid n see to it that he doesn't become rude n harsh like them.nurture him in a right way n also when ur dil comes in she doesn't go thru these problems .also this life is given to u by ur parents .by being sad ur torturing them so u are actually helping u r inlaws .so enjoy life .n don't bother about the others.there is a saying if u cut ur nose people will spite ur face.n if ur miserable nobody really cares so why not b happy -hema
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2006-09-20
#4
Anonymous Name: ashi
Subject:  Stand by urself



Hi sunaina

I also went through all this infact we have same story step by step so i can understand ur pain very well.but for now things have changed by god grace and my constant working on issue.
Dont ever listen wrong things FIGHT for it.tell ur inlaws ur not a puppy whome they will treat like anything.because its u who can stand for urself never expect ur husband .....
the second thing make ur husband to realise that its u who r going to live with him for the whole life its u who takes care of child and him so its his responsibility to take care u and ur child by hook or by crock....use ur brain for good reason .....
IF POSSIBLE TRY FOR PART TIME JOB SO U CAN GET CONFIDANCE..
AND REMEMBER ONE THING GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELPS THEMSELVES.
ALL THE BEST LUV TO BABY
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2006-09-19
#5
Anonymous Name: di bh
Subject:  Take control



Dont let them ruin your peace of mind. i have been there and now also although i have mostly resolved all issues with them and my hubby sometimes my past haunts me and i go hysterical and scold my hubby.But hey he has to listen to it he is also equally responsible.
Listen dont be too sad and let them ruin u the more u are u in this state the more u will go into depression. why dont u try for a job .if the kid is big enuf u can do that. if the kid is too small concentrate on the baby let him grow up a little and then put him in day care and try for a job or do volunteering if u keep your mind occupied u wont worry. also once u start earning and contributing your husband will also have respect about u.take care your baby needs u the most.so take care . i know its easy to say i have been in such state for 4 years now i am out of it for 6 months but cant forget past .But i cud take control. now u also need to do the same and live your life.your life is precious to think of extreme.Take good care.
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2006-09-19
#6
Anonymous Name: Ritika
Subject:  Re:



Hi Sunaina,

The more you let yourself be victimized, the more people will abuse you. Your in-laws and husband feel that they have total control over you - emotionally and physically and that is why they can do and say whatever they want to you without any repurcussions.

Do you think you are any less than your husband? Why should there be one set of rules for him and another set for you? Ask him that the next time he asks you to limit your calls to your parents or talk to them in front of him. Tell him that you never stop him from talking to his parents, why is he so controlling when it comes to you? Respect for parents goes both ways...why does he think that his parents deserve unconditional respect while you and your parents get abused by yur fil? Tell him that let's try not to talk about either of our parents for a few weeks and just concentrate on each other..If he doesnt listen to you, then tell him that both of you are married to each other for life...you two can be happy given a chance..why is he concentration and remembering only the bad things that you (supposedly) done...what about the many more good things that you have done and the fact that you do love him and want to be happy with him...ask him what he wants from you...at the same time he should be ready to do EXACTLY the same for you...

Also Sunaina, if you can....the next time your fil starts abusing you and your parents...tell him that just like your husband can't hear anything abt his parents, you also cannot hear anything about your parents..and there is no need for fil to abuse them...walk away from the room if you want...why shd you hear insults abt yr parents and yrself for no reason..koi hitlershahi hai kya...

And please try not to cry...stand up for yourself..if they say that you are talking just to hide your mistakes then tell them that telling the truth is not hiding your mistake..be firm about it...

I don't know if you are working or not...if not then try finding a job..that will give you self confidence and more control over your life...

Any comment your in-laws make about your clothes etc..just laugh and say that that's the way things are now and that you are dressed just perfectly...and they need not worry...And try not going to your in-laws place too much..I really dont understand why you went to the in-laws place for delivery when things were so bad...don't be a lamb and deliver yourslef in their hands so willingly...

Remember that the same God who has made them has made you...you are nothing less than them...and repeat to yourself that you are strong and will get through this phase and be a stronger woman (it worked for me during a bad phase in my life)...
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2006-09-18
#7
Anonymous Name: kuntala
Subject:  Tit for tat



Myself and many dils on this board have repeated time and again, always be nice with your husband. Didnt you say that you feel that your husband has been brainwashed. How did your mil do it ? You too must learn her tactic. Keep on trying, brainwash him. Its a battle.
Dont run away because of such petty people.
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