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Joint Family:please help
2006-08-30
Name: jaya



Dear sisters

Iam married for 3 yrs now..After we got married we left for Tokyo and returned from To India recently..My problem is with my Husband.He is basically a nice person in the sense that he has no bad habits..but the only problem with him is that he is emotionless towards me..I mostlyt doubt if he loves me or not..

For instance : when we were in Japan which was totally a new place for me, he would be back from office at 2 or 3 in the nights..due to dead lines..but never ever call me once in between...if i make a call and talk to him like if he had his lunch,he used to mostly shout at me for talking silly and wasting his time..

I never knew to cook bfore (since i was working in India)..i worked hard and learnt cooking and used to make him different food
everyday..but he never used to say a word abt it..(but my friends and other guests always say it is good)..He never complements abt the
way im dressed or my cooking..but never leaves a chance to scold me
if i had done something wrong..So in order to make him happy i always used to try hard to make myself a perfectionist.But mostly used to get scoldings from him..I have started to lose the confidence i had..Even when i fall sick he wouldnt bother much and used to say im just cooking up a story of my illness..He has never made me even make a cup of coffee howver my health is.

Now that Iam back to India,i must also tell you abt his family.They are selfish and out for his money..They have a daughter who also lives abroad and is pampered by them all..Even when I tried to tell him about this,I became the \";bad woman\";..these days he sees me as some type of trouble creator who is ready to fight..

I have decided not to talk about his family even if he spends all his money on them..even if we go penniless..im not going to open my mouth..
but my problem is, cant he for once show that unconditional love I expect from him...Sometimes I feel Im married to a robot who goes for a job,brings money,takes care of expenses,make love to me when he feels the urge and thats it.He hates to talk to me about anything..
All that I expoect from him is a good friend,I dont expect that filmy romantic husband but a normal one who will think me as a human and
consider my feelings..

My question to you all is am i expecting too much from a relationship?Are some guys like this? Is this normal? If not how do I change myself according to the situation? Since I dont have a sister with whom I can consult I think all of u out there to be my sisters and ask u for ur advice..pls help me..









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2006-08-31
#1
Anonymous Name: Jaya
Subject:  Thanks to everyone



Dear All,

I must really thank you all for taking time amidst all your work and writing to me these kind words.
Iam really thankful to this site that has made me meet such wonderful people and discuss my problems.
Thanks for providing me a practical solution.All your words
seems to have given a new spirit in me.Now enough is enough.Iam
not gonna give in anymore.Can u people beleive that I was once a
team leader in an organisation with a great career of my own? Iam gonna reinvent my lost career and
build my self esteem and like everyone of you said Im gonna make this
guy find a space in my life..End of being a sissy.
Thanks again for all ur kind words..The next time I visit this
site Iam sure, I shall be a self-dependent and a strong person.Have a nice day..
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2006-08-30
#2
Anonymous Name: Preeti
Subject:  Re:



You are not expecting too much from your husband, but it might be that he is not capable of displaying much emotion/love.

First of all, stop trying to change yourself so much. Adjustment when living with another person is fine and sometimes necessary, but stop trying to change your personality to suit your husband.

If he has never complimented/praised you till now for anything...on the contrary keeps finding faults with you, then the problem lies with him. He seems to be a controlling kind of a guy.

What you need to do is stop giving in to him. When he is sick next time - give him a taste of his own medicine...try treating him the way he treats you...ask him in exactly those words that he uses - whether he is really ill or imagining it... Find a job and ask him to share in the housework - that includes help in cooking (maybe by cutting veggies etc), cleaning the house etc.

My husband is sweet and caring (touchwood) but in the begining of our marriage, he used to expect me to do all the housework - cleaning, cooking, laundry, everything. Evenings, both of us would come back from work and he would keep watching TV/read books and then expect dinner at 9pm...After several months of hints and suggestions to help me fell on deaf ears, I one day decided not to cook...so when he was watching TV, I also watched TV...around 8 pm I generally commented..oh I'm feeling tired, what do you think we can have for dinner...after repeating it 2-3 times (with no response)..I let it go...at 9pm, when he said, oh where's the dinner, I said, I don't know. You've been sitting here, I've been sitting here, what did you expect - dinner would get ready automatically? I'm very tired..you decide what we'll have today, since I decide every day else... he got a lil angry, but ended up making daal chawal..the point I'm trying to make here is that if you keep trying to please your hubby all the time (with him not reciprocating), then it'll add to your hurt (because you are putting in so much effort) and it won't affect him (because he hasn't had to do anything in this relationship since he met you. He's had everything given to him on a plate and that is why he does not appreciate the work you are doing.

Lastly - build your trust with him first, before suggesting how he should spend his salary. Nobody likes to be told that their parents/siblings are taking them for a ride...I

would suggest you start working and save your own money. Also, think about the issues that start fights between the 2 of you and make an effort to not bring those topics up. Try to go out together on the weekends..say a movie...dress up and then compliment him and then ask, how do I look?...but don't wait with bated breath for his reponse...if he makes a sad comment, then just laugh and say, oh, well, you also are no aamir khan/hrithik roshan...and leave it at that...don't sulk..act cheerful and go out and enjoy your movie...show him that his comments don't affect your happiness...

Finally, if he doesnt agree to go out for a movie or dinner with you, then go out for a movie alone...just tell him one weekend, that you have been wanting to watch this movie for a long time and you are going..if he would like to join you it would be great, but if he's busy, then its ok, you'll go alone...

As others below said, you have to build your own confidence...he will not do it for you...so go ahead and do your own thing...

Hope this helps...
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2006-08-30
#3
Anonymous Name: aabb
Subject:  dont worry



hey i agree completely with what others have said.Get a life for yourself.Since you are in India get a job.Dont care about the pay.If you cant go full time take up a part time job.If you like reading go to library once in a week and get 2 or 3 books you like very much.If you have some close friends living in the same city visit them or meet them in a coffee house or go shopping with them.You can even go shopping by yourself.Women centre their lives around their men.Yes our family should be our first priority but that doesnt mean we should be running after them and pampering them every moment.If we started pleasing them too much they will take us for granted.Like for eg you dont have to cook his favourite dishes daily you can cook it once or twice in a week.Some women want to tell each and everything that happens in their life to their hubby.Its better to remain a little mysterious.Dress what he likes occasionally and other days dress for yourself.Dont do things to please him do things to build your self confidence.this may bring about a change in him.But dont expect anything very soon.start enjoying life for yourselfs sometimes you will feel sad coz of your husband in times like that go to your parents house or cousins house or window shopping.I will tell you my hubby doesnt care much whether I am an exceptional cook etc., he respects me becoz when needed I stand for myself and dont run after him for everything.Yes its a sad truth that if we start pleasing them too much and centre our lives around them they get bored with us.so dont worry all the best.
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2006-08-30
#4
Anonymous Name: di bh
Subject:  Cheer up



Hey i understand how u feel as i am also in same position.But i have also learnt to do things on my own.See once we stop waiting hand and foot around them they will realize our value. My husband is the most detached person in the world. he is not attached too much to his family .So doesnt realize pampering at all.i am married for 4 years and in US .after marriage i came here immediately whenever i used to ask my husband what u wud like to eat for lunch and wud he come home for lunch etc and dress according to his wishes. when i asked for a response he used to say whatever .But after 4 years i am used to it so dont bother too much.But i was pleasantly surprised when i went to India last year and after a week of me leaving i got a lovely mail telling me he missed me and to come back soon.So dont worry your husband will have feelings about you only wont tell some people are like that.
Why dont u be by yourself and once he will see u are not like before he will miss your pampering.
Also dont worry about in laws too much .My in laws are the same nosiest people in the world.I too have a sil. she is in india.yes my inlwaws everybody open and close their mouth telling her name. But after marriage after 6 months i told my husband i dont want her to run my family i want to do it myself.So i put a stop to it.Hey it worked for me.
Dont worry too much about money too .If they keep on asking your husband for money sooner or later he will realize they are enjoying at his expense.
My husband is also too much introvert.Doesnt like to share anything with me.But after 4 years i have learnt to live with it.Dont worry make some friends join some course and interact with people . then u wont feel down at all.i use internet as my rejuvenator. You can choose anything u want.
At any cost do not loose self confidence .becoz thats the only thing which drives u do anything in life.read some humorous books just to kick back. after some time u will feel refreshed and get your confidence back to do things.I do it all the time when i am down .after a month of reading humor i feel a drive to do things.
men are like that the more we want them to do things more they withdraw.it takes lot of time for them to do anything.
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2006-08-30
#5
Anonymous Name: neha
Subject:  Change yourself



The problem with we indian women is the most as Sunshine said are too too considerate about our families.we all just think that if we do what our husband please will make him happy and that will inturn give us happiness, why do we think in this manner we are humans not pupets, that when our husbands will get happy we should smile and when they want to make us cry we can why do we give so much ownership to them Marriage is not about being puppet,its about respecting eachother and eachothers feelings. you should give ownership to our husband as much he gives you on him or a little more, this mentality will ruin your morale if you keep doing what he pleases to make him happy, don't bend your self so much that he will take you fogranted. You know what, he behaves like this because he knows you are there all the time, change join an hobby, or if possible join ajob even if it doesn't give much of materail pleasure atleast it will boost your morale and self-esteem imensely which according to me for women is very important. Please change your self create a space for yourself remain busy so that he should feel this way for you, he should start finding a place in your space, let him raelise and if by any cae you can't work make some female friends join kitty, club or hobby and even if you are at home try to stay in your own world...
first Respect your self esteem becasue the lesser we have it the more we bend the more we bend our husbands think we are their properties....
Hope life becomes better with you,hope you get all you want....
all the best
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2006-08-30
#6
Anonymous Name: Sunshine
Subject:  Hi Jaya,



The basic problem with most of us girls is that we truly evolve according to what we are taught to do right from the time we are small.. i.e. ADJUST. so we nicely put ourselves aside and concentrate on making everyone else happy. However, the golden rule of life is this, YOU CANNOT PLEASE EVERYONE.
Frankly Jaya, let me tell you, what you're expecting is not too much at all. It is only what every wife expects from her hubby, a little bit of love & attention. We become like Pavlov's dog's striving harder and salivating on hearing the bell ring. I can only suggest you one thing. Start paying more attention to yourself. If he has no time for you. Do things for yourself. Join any hobby courses for YOURSELF. Do things that please you. Alternatively take up a job. Once you start going out and meeting people you automatically gain confidence. And when he will notice that you don't seem to need that much attention from him, he'll automatically turn to you.
Believe me. It works.
Just remember to keep your head high, chin up and yourself happy & busy.
Good luck to you! Love,
Sunshine
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