Relationships  Discussion Forum

Name: another DIL ( anamika )

Dear Dharma,

I must say that the word \";Thanks\"; sounds very little in return to the advises you have given to all of us. Your post, the kind of suggesstions are truly inspiring. I am touched ! I can't think of anything else but to say \";Thanks\"; for your precious time & efforts ! Your message is valuable.

By the way, I am that \";another DIL\"; who wrote a message under Mani's first thread ( left my hubby). I just wanted to clear the confusion, beacuse there is another \";another DIL\"; who posted a message in response to Swati tanwar's post( Interference). So Just wanted to let you know, that I am not that \";another DIL\";.

To avoid confusion, I am changing my screen name to from another DIL to \";Anamika\";.

Dharma, I read your message 2-3 times and went through every point that you wrote. They do make sense and I agree with them. I would like to explain my points as well...

1.You know Dhrama, I do love my hubby and I express that love explicitly many times..and I think I am lucky as well because he loves me too ! I can see in his eyes.

About being diplomatic- I think I am not diplomatic, but at the same time, I can not say anything harsh (or for that matter even the truth- beacuse it is always bitter) to anyone and specially my in-laws...although I have a lot to tell them , but I can not, because somewhere in my heart I know that they are my elders and moreover my in-laws !! I can not be blunt with them.

But ,I liked the suggestion when you said - We should openly tell our in-laws that what hurts us , ofcourse in a polite manner. I never thought about this...now will try this. Thanks !

2.I never argue with DH in front of his parents- I also understand that this will make my my in-laws stronger and they will have make an issue out of it. Infact I keep telling him that we should never argue infront of anyone- whether it is his parents, or some friends or relatives. We should solve our problems in our bedroom. But the point here is that my MIL never leaves any chance to make unpleasant comments about me and she doesn't even care whether my hubby is around or not. She is so brash ! And my hubby also admits this thing.

My main point is why this \";HYPOCRISY\"; ? I ask my hubby-\";the way your parents expect love and respect from me, can't I expect the same\"; ? Will it be only one way ? Believe me Dharma, I come from a family where I grew up seeing my parents respecting their elders and my mom always taught me the same. So when I came into this family- I had no bad feelings for my in-laws. I sincerely liked & respected them- but never got the same in return. Forget about love & closeness- they always made sarcastic and rude remarks about me & my family from the day one. There was no physical abuse from their side, but mentally they almost killed me through their ruthless and harsh words ! And it hurts the most when hubby dear doesn't want to accept it. And then I loose my patience and I end up fighting with him. I know we should avoid fights with our husbands...but sometimes things just go out of control. You are expecting support & love from your partner, specially when you are hurt beacuse of his mom-dad...but then you are given names like \";NUT\"; and \";CRAZY\"; and you are being held responsible for the situation.

I feel so sad that on one hand I am facing problems due to my MIL's sharp words, I have to handle them. Then I have to deal with my FIL's false accusations and Hubby dear makes it worse by not admitting his parents mistakes and asking for explanations and clarification for my actions.

3.In one of your suggestions you said to pamper FIL or BIL....can you believe Dharma...I always used to think that usually men are more practical and therefore DILs generally don't have any major problems with their FILs. But in my case...things are just opposite. Whenever my MIL creates a drama/scene, my FIL is the person who strongly & openly supports her !!! My FIL blindly believes her that is why she is so powerful and blunt. She always gets full sympathy & support for her actions. I think this is the main reason that my hubby can not speak against them... he knows that both his parents are united as far as this matter is concerned and they will never believe me.

4.And yes...you are 100% correct when you said we should not treat our in-laws like fragile glass. I have made this blunder. I literally did this \";waitergiri\"; for my in-laws. I used to give them everything in hand ..whether it is bed tea, milk, water..they may be watching some movie in front of the tv..and I used to obey their orders. Now i feel so stupid.

5.My MIL never gets tired repeating the same thing 100 times that this is her son's house and she has full right to do anything, but when it comes to some kind of help or other household tasks- she always comes up with some joint pain or headache. Howcome she always has some body aches when there is workload at home ?

6.About being perfect- again so true. The more we try to be perfect, the more difficult for us to maintain that...and eventually we get hurt since we don't get any appreciation for our actions. When I got married, I spent my entire enregy impressing my in-laws...I used to make their fav food, used to talk about those topics which I otherwise disliked...I used to do things acc to my MIL's way( just to keep her happy) - but the result was ZERO.

7.About close & sweet talks with in-laws- Now it is just impossible for me. I just can NOT FAKE...I even told my hubby that if I love or like someone- I love them completely...but when I don't like someone or have hard feelings for him/her...I just can not do any sweet talking with that person. This is just against my personality...no matter how hard I try I can not mingle with that person.

But Thanks again Dharma...your words have given me some courage...I feel stronger after reading your post.

We must have self confidence if we want to win this battle. I must admit that my marriage has made me emotionally stronger...I have learnt a lot in this marriage !

Dharma...keep writing your encouraging words.

Once again thanks , and lots of hugs :-)

Anamika

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