My father felt the same way when he was getting married way back when he was young and over the years he has explained why he felt the way he did and why he was looking for that type of woman. So yeah, I get where you are coming from. That said, I can’t say that I would be receptive to a man who thinks the way you do. In fact, in today’s day and age it would probably be hard to find someone like that. Not impossible mind you. Just really hard. And even women who are receptive to the idea of being a housewife and living with in-laws may find it hard to swallow when the time comes. I think over the years, our lives have gotten more stressful, expectations placed on us have increased and along with that the stresses of interpersonal relationships have gotten so much more explosive. We expect more from people, receive little and give even less. I don’t think anyone means to do it but I think society has changed in a way to lead us to it. So keep that in mind when you approach your problem.

As for your issue with caring for your parents. I realize that it is intrinsic in the culture for the son and his wife to look after the son’s parents. I love my parents, I understand that my significant other loves his parents. But I cannot instantly after getting married move to his home and live with his parents and love them as if they were my own. I can however live near them, look in on them every day, care for them, provide for them but maintain enough distance that will leave us both with enough sanity to not get on each other’s nerves and in time maybe grow to love them. This of course does not apply to your situation but it is an insight in to how some women would think. In your case, try to remember that whether living with or living near, the relationship between a daughter-in-law and the husband’s parents requires a great deal of understanding, respect and adjustment from BOTH sides. Both have a great deal to bring to each other’s lives. But to expect all the respect, understanding and adjustment to be only on the daughter-in-law’s side is not only unreasonable but also plays a large part in undermining how smoothly the relationship would have worked out with a little bit of understanding and adjustment.

In regards to your views about children and working mothers, let me tell you a little story. Both my grandmothers were housewives as all women were in their time. My maternal grandmother had nine children, a husband that had to spend all day working to provide money for the family, a house that needed cleaning and numerous mouths to feed. Nothing was easily available the way it is today. Rice had to be sorted and then sent to the mill to be dehusked. Wheat had to be sent to be ground for making chappatis. Vegetables that were grown in the backyard had to be tended to. There were no blenders, things had to be ground by hand. The work never ended. My mother’s siblings helped raise each other and the older ones had to help with the cooking, the cleaning and the looking after of the younger ones and regular schoolwork on top of everything else. In the entire history of civilization, how many mothers do you think have had time to spend 24/7 on their children?! And yet humanity has survived well enough till today. So yes, in today’s world a housewife would have more time for her children than a career woman. But wouldn’t the quality of that time be more important than the quantity? Personally, I think that good communication and lots of verbally and physically expressed unconditional love are more important than being a housewife.

Now you seem like a nice guy. And you actually read Men are from Mars so bonus points for that! And based on reading your replies to other comments, some of which were rather rude, judgemental and unhelpful, I’d say you are a reasonable person. You seem willing to listen to an opposing viewpoint and you seem gracious in your approach to angry attacks on you, all of which are important in building a healthy relationship. You also seem fairly scared and unsure of yourself. You need to remember to trust in yourself. You and your significant other are the only persons that can make this work, trust yourself that you can do this. Worrying about what might happen will not change the future. Be prepared that it will be difficult, anything worth having in life is. But believe in yourself that you are a good person and with a little bit of affection, respect and adjustment things will work out. Maybe not in the way that you expected or hoped or wished or planned for. But it will work out in the way it was meant to be. It’s up to you to make that happen. And it’s up to you to accept that things may not work out the way you want them to. But that doesn’t mean that you have to be unhappy with how they work out to be. We all have grand plans for our futures and it is a rare few that have those plans turn out exactly the way they wanted them to!

hi,
The answer is vey simple. Will you agree if your sister is going to be treated the same after her marriage like you are intenting to treat your wife?( staying home after doing MBBS and taking care of in laws, 24 x 7, cooling, cleaning etc. etc., )

Mr.Confused

Good to see your post. I must appreciate your thoughts. I come from similar background. I got married 8yrs back though. To find a girl of your mentality is hard in these days for sure. Times changed. When I was a teenager, my parents always taught me to adjust and never go against elder' s wishes as they always decide the best for you. Now parents say, \" Don' adjust enough of adjustment\" . Move on with life. The last 4 bullets you have, here is my opinion.
1) You are normal, Everything is absolutly normal, no problem with those.
2) You are absolutely good but it' s all depends on situation you will get in to which decides how you handle.
3) You are absolutely not over demanding. You are a expecting simple life.
4) What does a girl wants is a big questions...Well I will give my prespective, For me If I and my husband eat one meal in a day together is a joy, going out over weekend for a movie or resturant is a joy. Most of all I want my husband to spend time with me and my kids. I want him to hear my things and I want to hear things. I want to be with him for any situation doesn' t matter if it' s financial or emotional or something else and expect the same thing.

Well these things happens in real is a questions. We feel it happens but not always true. That is life.

I am a working women managing one kid and expectiong one soon, My husband is not at all supportive at home. He expects me to earn money for sure. It' s how you manage your life and what is your priority in life. I have no help at home or at work but I still want to be happy with what I have. Life is always about adjustment and sacrifice. That' s how I see at things.

Sorry 4 delay in writing second part of my earlier mail.This addresses ur question...Why should a partner compromise and waste(?) her/his qualification if she/she is not going to employ herself/himself after marriage?

Marriage is a long term contract.Some body has to have responsibiliy to be at home and raise a new generation which represent his country , in our case ,India in future with confidence and pride.So in my case v both decided that my spouce will stay behind and defend the fort while I will suppy ammunation.This will be done till children r grown up (Generally at the age of 14-15 , when they do not require parents every now and then to make decisions).When my spouce feels comfortable she will be ready for a carrier , need not be in a service , she can be an entrepreneur too , we should hv had plan and resource 4 it.

I hv already purchased a shop near to my residence , waiting for my wife to be comfortable.

Regarding money part exacly HOW much is enaugh ?.. no body knows this.Every body is busy immitating the society they r staying in.If the majority of society kids go to a BIG school ..put ur kids there,If majority ownes a Plasma TV , purchase it ...If majority owns a honda city, purcahse it ...list is unending.Pople try to live a life which is ABOVE their REACH ...what ever may be the salary. If the salary is 50 K yearn for 100 k , if salary is 100k yearn for 200 k ...with increase in salary comes the upgradation(?) putting kids to BIGGER school, Buying a Honda city ...etc etc. This rat race NEVER ends !

EACH of our decision will have LONG term impact.Consider Putting a kid to some BIG school .This will bring in a huge liability.One will manage school fees , but will he/she be able to manage the hidden costs?.. like a picnic to Singapure,10-15 movies/ month in a Multiplex theater , weekly shopping in malls , hi end electronic gadgets etc!...as a parent u will NOT be able to say NO 2 ur ward since ALL his/her class mates will fall in line with peer pressure....so who FUELS the need for money more money ...more money? I hv seen some parents who hv given their wards cell phones of 30k-40k..almost 10 times their own cell.I will never BLAME the kid as his parents only hv put him 2 BIG school.

In a nut shell BEFORE marriage one will hve 2 decide ,
1) whether they r going to get new generation on earth.
2) If yes , who is going to stay behind.
3)For the partner who is staying behind , u should hv ur future plan to ensure that the partner get to come to normal(?) stream of getting employed or be an employer.

Have a nice day !

Note:My class mate who got married in the same time , 14 years back has NO time 4 getting new generation on earth ,...reason ...The couple is yet 2 decide WHO is going 2 stay back !..He working in a Steel plant in top mgt , she an IT employee.

Hi Confused,

I' m replying without reading all the replies before me coz I don' t want to color my opinion based on that...so here goes...

Marriage - You seem to have a pretty set notion of what your wife' s duties should be after marriage etc etc. I was struck by the fact that you mentioned taking care of your parents as the #1 goal after getting married...

You also seem to have very set ideas about how women and wives should behave...while it is good that you are clear about wanting a housewife...I' m less happy about the reasons you put out...you say that you might be scared of your wife' s success and so you don' t want her to work...to me this is a BIG red flag.

Because a marriage should be about growing together...and learning from each other...it should not be about one person stifling the other person' s potential just because they are jealous.

You say that you are pretty egoistic and I believe you. I also think that it is another thing that might cause you problems in marital life. Because there will be fights and disagreements between you and your wife (as in any other normal couple' s life)...you cannot escape it...so do you think that you will be open minded enough to listen to your wife' s point of view and say sorry if you are wrong?

Not apologizing even after knowing they are wrong is a big no-no in married life. Lots of husbands do this but believe me their wives are might unhappy with them.

About your questions -
1) As normal as any other extremely traditional and culture waving flag guy I think

2) Just as all men are not alike, similarly all woman are not alike...for some you might be the next best thing to sliced bread...for some, you won' t jell so well...

3) Yes, rather.

4) Read (2).

My advise would be that you should be a bit more open minded in looking for a life partner...even an extremely traditional girl will have trouble matching herself to this idea you have of a ' perfect' wife...

You will have a happy married life if you find someone who makes you laugh, who makes you feel better about yourself, who makes you want to improve yourself, who loves being with you...I feel these are more important things than anything else...

My 2 cents...

Ritika

May the badpart predicted in ur future come false! (Initial 3yrs of unhappy married life)

anyways, I dont think ,u' ll get such problems. Seems u r eagerly waiting for marriage part in ur life...and I' m sure u never hurt her and definitely she might be understanding ur caring too.
Because men are born so practical and never care to know aboutt women so deep. But, u r trying to know the root of problems and accepting solutions from married women. Which means u respect women ....without talking leniant about all of us...Thats nice part from u and I definitely can tell ur marriage works out best!!!

Because , even my husband took nearly 3 to 4 yrs to understand his wife whom he love most...Still ,he doesnt admit his mom behave wrong though he knows it best.
So, I could say, U' ll not get biased !Also, U' ll not have EGO CLASH! because just with few interactions u could understand us without claiming us selfish or immatured...blah blah blah... If u have had MALE EGO that gets problems in most cases, u would have defended ur parents saying same again and again while we were warning \" watch out ur parents too\" !
So, I think ,u would not turn out to be complex husband for her.

So, confused, All the best I really wish u good understanding/co operative girl...to u !
But, also, before marriage itself , buy a flat nearby ur home (as namita suggested)and prepare ur parents to live separate...so that u can definitely take care of parents and wife...If they all live in joint family....insecurties gets developed...(Ur mom also shouldnt feel insecured ,right ) so, its better staying away and mainitaining good relations.

So, I hope u will be taking all the measures to not to appear clashes btwn u and her...The last and least is marry a better girl after knowing everything about her.. no ubnormalities should be there(failed love story part, Or any other tragedies that might affect ur marriage...etc..).Sothat u can eliminate all the chances to be in unhappy married life even for first 3yrs. Because though u take all the measures she should be normal to accept ur love and care ,right? So choose a perfect match!!

later on wht happens is it is nt u who vl suffer it vl b ur wife .... bcoz u cn ignore ur parents for whtevr they hve done for u bt dnt expect the same frm ur wife .. bcoz she ws nt a part of ur past

b4 expecting think if u were in her place ... if ur in laws had behaved partially or bad with u n still ur wife says u hve to adjust as they were nt same b4 our marriage, they hve done so much for me ... though u men dnt hve to stay with ur in-laws evn then it vl b next to impossible fr u all to adjust ... then think of the lady who is new to this famly n gets such treatment

once son takes his wifes side he becomes hen pecked n bad in front of his parents eyes

here one lady hve mentioned tht fr a girl to respect her in-laws takes time ...yes each n every word said by her is true

i jst wnt u 2 b careful .. bcoz once the women is hurt in the early dys of marriage then she might behave like \" Guy\" ' s wife ... n nt all women like to sit n explain or may be this boy is nt ready to listen to wht she wnts to say .... hope \" Guy\" reads this n try to sort out the prob. instead of saying \" trying to adjust myself\"

i cn suggest confused to buy a flat next to ur parents or nearby .... if u wnt dnt mention this to ur would be ... if in future u find out ny prob. n feel ur wife is rt. then u cn move with ur parents permission ... on the other hand this vl b ur appreciative savings ... 2dy the flat rent is almost equall to sal. :)

all the best

i agree with sonali .. the money part almost same thing is happening with me

confused

my husband too loves his parents ... bt i had told him to keep his eyes open as wht goes in his family ... bcoz his mother is very political .. vl give u some eg. as u too love ur parents n feel they vl never behave bad with DIL

eg : my MIL while making rotis use to ask me to make dough, make balls, take out everything tht is needed for rotis, put tava on gas and she use to come only to roll out the rotis then the cleaning was again done by me ... if i m doing all this y should i wait for her to roll out .... first i didnt mind her doing (infact nothing came in my mind) bt than i saw her cribing tht she is the only one who makes rotis without my help .... bla bla bal

this issue might sound petty to u ... bt this is veyr imp. as it had created rift bet. me n my husband ... i knew i cannot explain him such issue (there were many more ... her coming to kitchen as soon as my husband or her husband comes nearby ... everyhting is pathetic) ... so i told him to keep an open eye n see wht exactly is going on before screaming on me ... then he started examining this closely n came to know everything (i thank God for this help as it saved our marriage) ... yes it saved our marriage bcoz his parents use to behave in such a pathetic way they even he never expected them

after almost 8 months sufering he realised n slowly our relation began to develop .... i should say he is a wonderful human as he have realisation ... he is not partial just becoz they r his parents ...

u have a sister u say ur parents have never treated u both differntly ... same i had heard from my husband ... bt after marriage i have seen wht had happened .... even khane mai unhone meresat partiality ki hai

i have to go now vl right more things later

hi confused,

One thing is final. Its hard for your wife to get along witht htem if you keep on praising them always. Maintain a balanced love between them. Dont always tell her how u do love ur parent sand sister. Its not of much intresting topic to her. Just tell her howmuch u love her. Fill her heart with security feeling so that she can tolerate ur parents.
Insecurity feeling is the main fact behind intolerance towards inlaws ...for any girl.
As u believe ur parents r nice person (like everyone does) , I want to tell u a fact. Luckily ur parents never treated u like money machine and I hope no problems arise in your family.

Because I see parents who takes all the money he earns till his marriage.And after his marriage, They feel very insecured about his monry and love...they cant tolerate DIL .

In ur home, this problem would not arise. But Ego problems between ur mom and wife would definitely occur. Yes, ur mom is nice to u. But U cnat guarantee she would be nice enough to ur wife. First 1 year is very important in keeping bond tight forever between them. So dont OVERDO anything. Expect all possible disppointments and emotions!

Also, During marriage, u might listen many negative comments on ur inlaws. Dont totally rely on ur parents to know about ur inlaws. Many of them are falswe impressions ...also, Not wexactly true statements....If u keep everything in mind, ur actions reflect ur feelings ,and a girl easily can sense something has been fed to her husband....which results in hatredness towards her inlaws. OK?! Be careful with these intial images. Its important that u shd feel everyone is nice...If u ought to suspect some one, then u need to suspect parents too...but never be biased!

This is my message frm my experiences.

All the best!

Can we decide where we can have some personal conversation on net. If u don' t mind........It' s totally upto you only........ If you want then only...


Thanks!!!

I hv joined in a bit too late, however I agree with confused .I was brought up in the family where BOTH parents were working..We as kids had difficult time managing all alone.We were 3 , elder sister,myself and younger brother.Even though parents supported us all along we used to MISSED mother a lot. eg like coming from school we wanted to hug our mother before anything ,but had to open the door all by ourself taking the door key from neighbour.Eat our food ,do homework ...and late evening open the door for parents.In Goa the school timing is from 8.0 am to 1.0 pm .Every body thinks of themself ..has anyone asked the kids what they want?..We have suffered a lot for love of mother when we were young.I remember when I was in 5th grade , We told our mother to let go her carrier , but be with us .She told that she was doing all this for our better tomorrow.We told her that we will eat less to save money but we want her at home...She gave in looking at our geniune looks in the eyes.My siter did her masters in Socialogy ,we both became Engineers and MBA , and r well satteled.I am 42 now,live with parents.Please note that Both my parents do NOT depend on me financially.I am Married to a home maker.
I challange all the working mothers to answer me , are they at comfort/ease when they say \" tata\" to their kids before leaving to work?
One of the parrent has to be at home till the kids r independent and grown.Even animals take kare of the kids till they r self sufficient ,they dont send their kids to creche !
When the kid NEEDS you , you are NOT around and when you will need them in ur old age THEY will not be available fo you.It is not the question of money , but is a emotional support and mental piece.Money can bring in prosperity but not love !

dear confused,
i think you are not confused anyway(you are very sure about what you want).but i certainly think that you are wrong in some of your thinkings.you think only a housewife cook,take care of the house and inlaws.that is very wrong.a working woman take care of her home,in laws and her husband and kids.she is more confident,more aware,and can be quite fun to have as a life partner.yes,she is not a superwoman.she will need help from you,your in-laws and even help from servants.but this arrangement is not bad as you think it is.i am myself a working woman,not in IT,but an engineer in govt service.i have a kid also.i take full care of my son when i am at home,cook my hubby' s favorite dishes and have a wonderful relation with my in laws who live in another city.my child is a happy and healthy two year old,my husband is happy as we dont have time for petty fights(though we have our share of fights)and we have a good life(touchwood!!!).
i am not saying that what works for us will work for you also.but i just want to tell you that every coin has two sides.working or not working,both have some good points and bad points.be happy in whatever situaton you are.that is the way to be happy.all the best.

Why have u written on this board. U know what u want....now the tricky part is finding her.
I do have a question for u though...when u say educated...what do u mean...someone who has done an MS, phd...or an MBBS like u sis?? As u u' r self said...if some girl has spent a good part of her life trying to get into a career...it will be difficult for her to give that up...and for u to expect that it wrong too.
I think in today' s world we all want to have a bit of life outside the house...so women do enjoy working too...but not all women like having stressful IT like careers...u say u would like a housewife...but if she wanted to work part time or from time to time...would u throw a fit?

I don' t live with my inlaws. They r really nice people and they live in a different city. I' m a stay home mom at the moment (married 10 yrs)...and on the whole get along well with inlaws..now if they were living with us...specially right from the start ...i' m not sure how this story would be going .
WHat I' m trying to say is that...one has more tolerence for one' s parents than for one' s inlaws. The tolerence for in laws comes with time.

I think u' r expectations r reasonable enough.....as long as u find a girl willing and looking fwd to being a housewife or not having a demanding career.....but the part where u say she needs to take care of my parents.....u need to give that time. When a girl gets married..she wants a husband and a life with the husband...but it' s expected of her to love her in laws irrespective of how they treat her....if the treat her good...which from the sounds of it u' r parents seem like, then there will be a good relationship and she would automatically want to take care of them...
But u have to play an imp role too...make u' r wife feel wanted and respected and at the same time not hurt u' r parents.

There r many types of people in this world...some want working wives...some not working...I don' t think that is wrong....as long as u don' t start thinking that u r superior that her. U make her feel like she is u' r equal...irrespective whether she brings home money or not.
remember there r always ups and downs in relationships....so plz don' t get scared. If u' r heart is good and u' r parents r not money minded and will treat her like they treat u' r sis...then everything will be fine (yes u will have hurdles from time to time....but that comes with life as a package.

I hope i was able to help u see what a women wants...respect....whether she is working or not.
I wish u the best. U know what u r looking for....so half the quest is done...i sincerely hope u find someone who fulfills u' r needs...and that U R ABLE to fulfil her needs.