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Joint Family:I am scared
Name: Confused Hi,

This is the first time I visited this site and came across the message board. Actually since this is a parenting site, I never expected such a wide array of topics. It was the joint families that caught my attention.

Let me first introduce myself to you all. As expected, I am a IT professional working for a reputed company. Well educated and traveled. It just four of us in my family. My parents, a younger sister and me. My family means the world to me. Being from a middle class family, I have seen the hardships my parents have undergone to give me and my sister a good education and life. There has never been any distinction between me or my sister. In fact being the youngest, she is the most pampered one. She is doing her MBBS. The usual middle class values are the one that I am very proud of. But the world has taught me to be more diplomatic, the usual traits of the IT world. Even though I pretend to be a very strong person and people vouch for it but I am very emotional at heart. A normal next door guy. But at the same time am pretty egoistic and protective towards my family.

Now back to the point. I read a couple of the messages in the joint family sites and they have scared me a lot. I respect women, have always done and will always do. Out of all the posts that I read, everyone seemed to have a problem with the joint family, the interfering in-laws, and husband’s harsh attitudes and so on. Reading all the posts I got just one feeling \" It’s just the money that the world cares about.\"

I am 28 and my parents have started the search for the \" perfect one\" for me and now the difficult part. They have asked me \" Beta, What kind of girl do you want to marry to?\" . I am on bench these days. So stared going through some relationship sites just to understand what does getting married and having a family actually mean. And the reality is very scary. Women being physically abused... Married just for money… troublesome in-laws and the list goes on.

Even though I have been working for the past four years, my parents have never asked me for a penny. In fact they oppose even the expensive gifts that I generally buy for them. My father is very serious about the savings. He just suggests me and shares his experiences. But it’s me who has his final say every time. He doesn' t even know my bank balance.

Now my marriage part, I expect my wife to take care of my parents. Its not that her parents are not welcome. I sincerely hope to replicate it but I know there would be a lot of issues such as ego, traditions etc. I am looking for the following in my would be wife.
1. Educated: This is the most important thing to me.
2. Good family background.
3. Not working (Housewife): My parents are no monsters. Money is the last thing they would expect from their daughter-in-law but they do expect the love and respect. I see working women around me. Life for them is pretty difficult. Managing home and career is next to impossible. So I have gone for a housewife. And to be very true to you all, I am scared of working wife. I am not sure how I would be able to handle her success. Scenarios such as my wife making wore money them me. I am pretty egoistic. I do not want rivalry with my wife.I know many of you would think that I am the some freak who leaves in the 15th century... Women are no less than men and so on... I want to be happy in life. I am not a millionaire but even then money is not the priority number 1 for me. I believe in being self-made man. None of my family members were in IT or anywhere close to this field but I managed to pull myself through and doing pretty well. I wish my wife to have time for family.

Whatever I have written above is my actual feelings. It might be some of you would be cursing me after reading all these but the fact is \" I am what I am\" and I just want to be happy.

I have never had any affair or the girlfriend kind of status because I did not want to get into something that I could not commit and fulfill. So I would like to know the following from some unknown people (Anonymous feedbacks as we call it)
1. Am I normal? My feelings, way of thinking?
2. From a women' s perspective, how good or bad am I?
3. Am I over demanding?
4. Last but the most important one \" What do women look for in their husbands?\"

Looking for some comments that would be useful to me.

Thanks and adv.

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Name: Maya
Subject:  Relax!
My father felt the same way when he was getting married way back when he was young and over the years he has explained why he felt the way he did and why he was looking for that type of woman. So yeah, I get where you are coming from. That said, I can’t say that I would be receptive to a man who thinks the way you do. In fact, in today’s day and age it would probably be hard to find someone like that. Not impossible mind you. Just really hard. And even women who are receptive to the idea of being a housewife and living with in-laws may find it hard to swallow when the time comes. I think over the years, our lives have gotten more stressful, expectations placed on us have increased and along with that the stresses of interpersonal relationships have gotten so much more explosive. We expect more from people, receive little and give even less. I don’t think anyone means to do it but I think society has changed in a way to lead us to it. So keep that in mind when you approach your problem.

As for your issue with caring for your parents. I realize that it is intrinsic in the culture for the son and his wife to look after the son’s parents. I love my parents, I understand that my significant other loves his parents. But I cannot instantly after getting married move to his home and live with his parents and love them as if they were my own. I can however live near them, look in on them every day, care for them, provide for them but maintain enough distance that will leave us both with enough sanity to not get on each other’s nerves and in time maybe grow to love them. This of course does not apply to your situation but it is an insight in to how some women would think. In your case, try to remember that whether living with or living near, the relationship between a daughter-in-law and the husband’s parents requires a great deal of understanding, respect and adjustment from BOTH sides. Both have a great deal to bring to each other’s lives. But to expect all the respect, understanding and adjustment to be only on the daughter-in-law’s side is not only unreasonable but also plays a large part in undermining how smoothly the relationship would have worked out with a little bit of understanding and adjustment.

In regards to your views about children and working mothers, let me tell you a little story. Both my grandmothers were housewives as all women were in their time. My maternal grandmother had nine children, a husband that had to spend all day working to provide money for the family, a house that needed cleaning and numerous mouths to feed. Nothing was easily available the way it is today. Rice had to be sorted and then sent to the mill to be dehusked. Wheat had to be sent to be ground for making chappatis. Vegetables that were grown in the backyard had to be tended to. There were no blenders, things had to be ground by hand. The work never ended. My mother’s siblings helped raise each other and the older ones had to help with the cooking, the cleaning and the looking after of the younger ones and regular schoolwork on top of everything else. In the entire history of civilization, how many mothers do you think have had time to spend 24/7 on their children?! And yet humanity has survived well enough till today. So yes, in today’s world a housewife would have more time for her children than a career woman. But wouldn’t the quality of that time be more important than the quantity? Personally, I think that good communication and lots of verbally and physically expressed unconditional love are more important than being a housewife.

Now you seem like a nice guy. And you actually read Men are from Mars so bonus points for that! And based on reading your replies to other comments, some of which were rather rude, judgemental and unhelpful, I’d say you are a reasonable person. You seem willing to listen to an opposing viewpoint and you seem gracious in your approach to angry attacks on you, all of which are important in building a healthy relationship. You also seem fairly scared and unsure of yourself. You need to remember to trust in yourself. You and your significant other are the only persons that can make this work, trust yourself that you can do this. Worrying about what might happen will not change the future. Be prepared that it will be difficult, anything worth having in life is. But believe in yourself that you are a good person and with a little bit of affection, respect and adjustment things will work out. Maybe not in the way that you expected or hoped or wished or planned for. But it will work out in the way it was meant to be. It’s up to you to make that happen. And it’s up to you to accept that things may not work out the way you want them to. But that doesn’t mean that you have to be unhappy with how they work out to be. We all have grand plans for our futures and it is a rare few that have those plans turn out exactly the way they wanted them to!
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Name: kk
Subject:  simple
The answer is vey simple. Will you agree if your sister is going to be treated the same after her marriage like you are intenting to treat your wife?( staying home after doing MBBS and taking care of in laws, 24 x 7, cooling, cleaning etc. etc., )
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Name: Neeraja
Subject:  Good thinking

Good to see your post. I must appreciate your thoughts. I come from similar background. I got married 8yrs back though. To find a girl of your mentality is hard in these days for sure. Times changed. When I was a teenager, my parents always taught me to adjust and never go against elder' s wishes as they always decide the best for you. Now parents say, \" Don' adjust enough of adjustment\" . Move on with life. The last 4 bullets you have, here is my opinion.
1) You are normal, Everything is absolutly normal, no problem with those.
2) You are absolutely good but it' s all depends on situation you will get in to which decides how you handle.
3) You are absolutely not over demanding. You are a expecting simple life.
4) What does a girl wants is a big questions...Well I will give my prespective, For me If I and my husband eat one meal in a day together is a joy, going out over weekend for a movie or resturant is a joy. Most of all I want my husband to spend time with me and my kids. I want him to hear my things and I want to hear things. I want to be with him for any situation doesn' t matter if it' s financial or emotional or something else and expect the same thing.

Well these things happens in real is a questions. We feel it happens but not always true. That is life.

I am a working women managing one kid and expectiong one soon, My husband is not at all supportive at home. He expects me to earn money for sure. It' s how you manage your life and what is your priority in life. I have no help at home or at work but I still want to be happy with what I have. Life is always about adjustment and sacrifice. That' s how I see at things.
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Name: Moon Light
Subject:  Hi...cont fr earlier mail
Sorry 4 delay in writing second part of my earlier mail.This addresses ur question...Why should a partner compromise and waste(?) her/his qualification if she/she is not going to employ herself/himself after marriage?

Marriage is a long term contract.Some body has to have responsibiliy to be at home and raise a new generation which represent his country , in our case ,India in future with confidence and pride.So in my case v both decided that my spouce will stay behind and defend the fort while I will suppy ammunation.This will be done till children r grown up (Generally at the age of 14-15 , when they do not require parents every now and then to make decisions).When my spouce feels comfortable she will be ready for a carrier , need not be in a service , she can be an entrepreneur too , we should hv had plan and resource 4 it.

I hv already purchased a shop near to my residence , waiting for my wife to be comfortable.

Regarding money part exacly HOW much is enaugh ?.. no body knows this.Every body is busy immitating the society they r staying in.If the majority of society kids go to a BIG school ..put ur kids there,If majority ownes a Plasma TV , purchase it ...If majority owns a honda city, purcahse it ...list is unending.Pople try to live a life which is ABOVE their REACH ...what ever may be the salary. If the salary is 50 K yearn for 100 k , if salary is 100k yearn for 200 k ...with increase in salary comes the upgradation(?) putting kids to BIGGER school, Buying a Honda city ...etc etc. This rat race NEVER ends !

EACH of our decision will have LONG term impact.Consider Putting a kid to some BIG school .This will bring in a huge liability.One will manage school fees , but will he/she be able to manage the hidden costs?.. like a picnic to Singapure,10-15 movies/ month in a Multiplex theater , weekly shopping in malls , hi end electronic gadgets etc! a parent u will NOT be able to say NO 2 ur ward since ALL his/her class mates will fall in line with peer who FUELS the need for money more money ...more money? I hv seen some parents who hv given their wards cell phones of 30k-40k..almost 10 times their own cell.I will never BLAME the kid as his parents only hv put him 2 BIG school.

In a nut shell BEFORE marriage one will hve 2 decide ,
1) whether they r going to get new generation on earth.
2) If yes , who is going to stay behind.
3)For the partner who is staying behind , u should hv ur future plan to ensure that the partner get to come to normal(?) stream of getting employed or be an employer.

Have a nice day !

Note:My class mate who got married in the same time , 14 years back has NO time 4 getting new generation on earth ,...reason ...The couple is yet 2 decide WHO is going 2 stay back !..He working in a Steel plant in top mgt , she an IT employee.
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Name: Ritika
Subject:  Re:
Hi Confused,

I' m replying without reading all the replies before me coz I don' t want to color my opinion based on here goes...

Marriage - You seem to have a pretty set notion of what your wife' s duties should be after marriage etc etc. I was struck by the fact that you mentioned taking care of your parents as the #1 goal after getting married...

You also seem to have very set ideas about how women and wives should behave...while it is good that you are clear about wanting a housewife...I' m less happy about the reasons you put say that you might be scared of your wife' s success and so you don' t want her to me this is a BIG red flag.

Because a marriage should be about growing together...and learning from each should not be about one person stifling the other person' s potential just because they are jealous.

You say that you are pretty egoistic and I believe you. I also think that it is another thing that might cause you problems in marital life. Because there will be fights and disagreements between you and your wife (as in any other normal couple' s life) cannot escape do you think that you will be open minded enough to listen to your wife' s point of view and say sorry if you are wrong?

Not apologizing even after knowing they are wrong is a big no-no in married life. Lots of husbands do this but believe me their wives are might unhappy with them.

About your questions -
1) As normal as any other extremely traditional and culture waving flag guy I think

2) Just as all men are not alike, similarly all woman are not alike...for some you might be the next best thing to sliced bread...for some, you won' t jell so well...

3) Yes, rather.

4) Read (2).

My advise would be that you should be a bit more open minded in looking for a life partner...even an extremely traditional girl will have trouble matching herself to this idea you have of a ' perfect' wife...

You will have a happy married life if you find someone who makes you laugh, who makes you feel better about yourself, who makes you want to improve yourself, who loves being with you...I feel these are more important things than anything else...

My 2 cents...


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Name: Confused
Subject:  Thanks Ritika....
Dear Ritika,

Thanks a lot for you comments. It was really nice of you to give your unbiased opinion. In fact the sole aim of my post was the same.

However I do not completely agree with your comments. In fact there I can feel that you have misunderstood me in some cases.

-Marriage: " taking care of your parents as the #1 goal after getting married" No, taking care of my parents is not the #1 priority but it is DEFINITELY a priority. Trust me I would hate to see my parents not being treated well by her. However this does not mean that this would be working as a servant at my house. Treated well does not mean that she needs to be toiling hard day in and day out in the kitchen. It just means respect. My parents are never against the idea of having servants/ maid at the house. In fact my parents have one. So taking care here simply means RESPECT and CONCERN for them. However I would definitely like her to cook for us. This doesn´ t sound too demanding for me. What do you think?

-" you say that you might be scared of your wife´ s success and so you don´ t want her to me this is a BIG red flag." : I don´ t know how to explain this. Ok here it goes. Men and women have different emotional needs. I read the book called " Men are from mars and Women are from Venus" It´ s a classic book on relationship. A man likes to be trusted and a woman likes to be loved. This is the very basic emotional difference between a man and women. Women are very happy if their husband is just willing t listen to them without actually offering them solutions to the problems. Men on the other hand like to be trusted that they can do anything and have the ability to do anything that would make women´ s life both easy and beautiful. This is exactly the place where ego is born. EGO is about the faith in oneself to be able to achieve. I understand that excess of it bad but being egoistic is good. I think that women even like. They expect their man to be patient listeners but are not ready to trust them that he will have the ends met for her. This is wrong. See, I am not against working women. I am pretty egoistic, I have already written that. If my wife makes more money than me, a lot of things change. First thing is I would feel that I have lost the trust of my lady. This is just insecurity that will grip me up and will DRIVE ME NUTS.

On the lighter not: Sirf IT girls ke rishta aa raha hai.. So I am not sure aage kiya hoga.

-" so do you think that you will be open minded enough to listen to your wife´ s point of view and say sorry if you are wrong? " I am going to love my wife with all my heart and soul. I am never ashamed of telling sorry if I am wrong but again if telling sorry adds to my insecurity, I will not tell Sorry. (Though I don´ t think it would ever be that way)

-" As normal as any other extremely traditional and culture waving flag guy I think" : Now again this is a battle. What is modern to you might be traditional to me and vice-versa. In the normal IT Company modernism is expressed in many ways e.g.
The showoff. Something like" You know when I was in US we did this and did that. Life was COOOOOOOOOL" and all those blah blah... Trust me that bugger would have just been the greatest miser over there. In fact skipping full lunches because he ‘she wants to save but while coming back he bought the three things: a laptop, digicam and a ipod. I hate it.

Now if this is what modernism means, I am proud to be a " traditional and culture waving flag" To me modernism can just be seen thru the actions and not by those showoff´ s and a lot of other stuff.

-" You will have a happy married life if you find someone who makes you laugh, who makes you feel better about yourself, who makes you want to improve yourself, who loves being with you...I feel these are more important things than anything else..." This is the only part I agree with you and trust me I just want the same out of marriage.

Thanks again for you unbiased comments. Wish you a great life ahead.

Thanks and regards
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Name: sonali
Subject:  naadi shastra!
May the badpart predicted in ur future come false! (Initial 3yrs of unhappy married life)

anyways, I dont think ,u' ll get such problems. Seems u r eagerly waiting for marriage part in ur life...and I' m sure u never hurt her and definitely she might be understanding ur caring too.
Because men are born so practical and never care to know aboutt women so deep. But, u r trying to know the root of problems and accepting solutions from married women. Which means u respect women ....without talking leniant about all of us...Thats nice part from u and I definitely can tell ur marriage works out best!!!

Because , even my husband took nearly 3 to 4 yrs to understand his wife whom he love most...Still ,he doesnt admit his mom behave wrong though he knows it best.
So, I could say, U' ll not get biased !Also, U' ll not have EGO CLASH! because just with few interactions u could understand us without claiming us selfish or immatured...blah blah blah... If u have had MALE EGO that gets problems in most cases, u would have defended ur parents saying same again and again while we were warning \" watch out ur parents too\" !
So, I think ,u would not turn out to be complex husband for her.

So, confused, All the best I really wish u good understanding/co operative u !
But, also, before marriage itself , buy a flat nearby ur home (as namita suggested)and prepare ur parents to live that u can definitely take care of parents and wife...If they all live in joint family....insecurties gets developed...(Ur mom also shouldnt feel insecured ,right ) so, its better staying away and mainitaining good relations.

So, I hope u will be taking all the measures to not to appear clashes btwn u and her...The last and least is marry a better girl after knowing everything about her.. no ubnormalities should be there(failed love story part, Or any other tragedies that might affect ur marriage...etc..).Sothat u can eliminate all the chances to be in unhappy married life even for first 3yrs. Because though u take all the measures she should be normal to accept ur love and care ,right? So choose a perfect match!!

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Name: Confused
Subject:  Thanks....
Hi Sonali,

Thanks for the kind and encouraging words. Hope that things turn out well for me. It was really nice of you for giving me the insight of married life. I really appreciate it.

" Seems u r eagerly waiting for marriage part in ur life" . No, I am not desperate but I just wanted to know what actually is married life. ( ok..I am lying. you are correct. Maybe I am waiting eagerly. Comon I am 28 and soon would be 29. Ab nahi to kab...Already kafi baal ja chuke hai.....ha...ha...ha... And there is a lot of parental pressure regarding this) I really hope you guys never come to know who am I or meet me...Bahaut majak udane wale ho aap meri...Just joking.

Take care and keep sending your comments...It really feels good.

Thanks and regards,
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Name: Namita
Subject:  contd...
later on wht happens is it is nt u who vl suffer it vl b ur wife .... bcoz u cn ignore ur parents for whtevr they hve done for u bt dnt expect the same frm ur wife .. bcoz she ws nt a part of ur past

b4 expecting think if u were in her place ... if ur in laws had behaved partially or bad with u n still ur wife says u hve to adjust as they were nt same b4 our marriage, they hve done so much for me ... though u men dnt hve to stay with ur in-laws evn then it vl b next to impossible fr u all to adjust ... then think of the lady who is new to this famly n gets such treatment

once son takes his wifes side he becomes hen pecked n bad in front of his parents eyes

here one lady hve mentioned tht fr a girl to respect her in-laws takes time ...yes each n every word said by her is true

i jst wnt u 2 b careful .. bcoz once the women is hurt in the early dys of marriage then she might behave like \" Guy\" ' s wife ... n nt all women like to sit n explain or may be this boy is nt ready to listen to wht she wnts to say .... hope \" Guy\" reads this n try to sort out the prob. instead of saying \" trying to adjust myself\"

i cn suggest confused to buy a flat next to ur parents or nearby .... if u wnt dnt mention this to ur would be ... if in future u find out ny prob. n feel ur wife is rt. then u cn move with ur parents permission ... on the other hand this vl b ur appreciative savings ... 2dy the flat rent is almost equall to sal. :)

all the best
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Name: Confused
Subject:  Hi Namita

Dear Namita,

WOW!!!! This is an eye opener. Trust me such scenarios never crossed my mind. In fact it´ s even difficult to think that my parents can do so but you are correct. This might even happen to my wife. I will have to keep my eyes open. I have no idea why two women can´ t leave in peace. It´ s just the insecurity that drives them against one another. From where I stand, I would just want to keep both my wife and mother happy.

The bottom line is: The initial phase is the most important time in building a relationship and it needs unbiased opinion from the husband’s part to manage things in a better way.

There are many things that I have not yet disclosed in my post. I have liked your comments very much so I would tell you one. My family believes in astrology. My father is a PhD in Economics but even then has great interest in it. There is a part of astrology called as the Naadi Sashtra. As per the belief it was written thousands of years ago on palm leaves and is considered very accurate. I generally no not believe in superstitions or astrology but the things they told me in Naadi sashtra simply blew me over. They narrated all my past very accurately. Even the stuff that it was just me who knew. So I consider it pretty accurate. Now coming to the point. Here´ s what they have told me " I would have an arranged marriage (I always wanted it). I would get a very understanding wife. She would be working. Also there would be a lot of problems in the first 3 years of marriage. AND ALL OF THEM WOULD BE BECAUSE OF ME. This is what scares me. I have no idea what I am going to do. But one thing´ s for sure, I will definitely have to do with clash of egos. I understand that maybe whatever they told me would not be correct but even then, its just a human tendency to react this way. This is the only reason I wrote this post: To understand the married life in a better way. It was really nice of your to share your experiences. I feel pretty touched with what you have written. I am not sure why I wrote you all these. But before judging me just keep in mind that I too just want a happy life.

Thanks a lot Namita. All the best and have a great life ahead.

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Name: Namita
Subject:  agree
i agree with sonali .. the money part almost same thing is happening with me


my husband too loves his parents ... bt i had told him to keep his eyes open as wht goes in his family ... bcoz his mother is very political .. vl give u some eg. as u too love ur parents n feel they vl never behave bad with DIL

eg : my MIL while making rotis use to ask me to make dough, make balls, take out everything tht is needed for rotis, put tava on gas and she use to come only to roll out the rotis then the cleaning was again done by me ... if i m doing all this y should i wait for her to roll out .... first i didnt mind her doing (infact nothing came in my mind) bt than i saw her cribing tht she is the only one who makes rotis without my help .... bla bla bal

this issue might sound petty to u ... bt this is veyr imp. as it had created rift bet. me n my husband ... i knew i cannot explain him such issue (there were many more ... her coming to kitchen as soon as my husband or her husband comes nearby ... everyhting is pathetic) ... so i told him to keep an open eye n see wht exactly is going on before screaming on me ... then he started examining this closely n came to know everything (i thank God for this help as it saved our marriage) ... yes it saved our marriage bcoz his parents use to behave in such a pathetic way they even he never expected them

after almost 8 months sufering he realised n slowly our relation began to develop .... i should say he is a wonderful human as he have realisation ... he is not partial just becoz they r his parents ...

u have a sister u say ur parents have never treated u both differntly ... same i had heard from my husband ... bt after marriage i have seen wht had happened .... even khane mai unhone meresat partiality ki hai

i have to go now vl right more things later
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Name: sonali
Subject:  two cents from me...
hi confused,

One thing is final. Its hard for your wife to get along witht htem if you keep on praising them always. Maintain a balanced love between them. Dont always tell her how u do love ur parent sand sister. Its not of much intresting topic to her. Just tell her howmuch u love her. Fill her heart with security feeling so that she can tolerate ur parents.
Insecurity feeling is the main fact behind intolerance towards inlaws ...for any girl.
As u believe ur parents r nice person (like everyone does) , I want to tell u a fact. Luckily ur parents never treated u like money machine and I hope no problems arise in your family.

Because I see parents who takes all the money he earns till his marriage.And after his marriage, They feel very insecured about his monry and love...they cant tolerate DIL .

In ur home, this problem would not arise. But Ego problems between ur mom and wife would definitely occur. Yes, ur mom is nice to u. But U cnat guarantee she would be nice enough to ur wife. First 1 year is very important in keeping bond tight forever between them. So dont OVERDO anything. Expect all possible disppointments and emotions!

Also, During marriage, u might listen many negative comments on ur inlaws. Dont totally rely on ur parents to know about ur inlaws. Many of them are falswe impressions ...also, Not wexactly true statements....If u keep everything in mind, ur actions reflect ur feelings ,and a girl easily can sense something has been fed to her husband....which results in hatredness towards her inlaws. OK?! Be careful with these intial images. Its important that u shd feel everyone is nice...If u ought to suspect some one, then u need to suspect parents too...but never be biased!

This is my message frm my experiences.

All the best!
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Name: Confused
Subject:  Thanks Sonali...
Hi Sonali,

I have been receiving comments on the married life as a whole. Your comments have been different as it deals mainly with near future i.e. a year of marriage.

I really enjoyed reading the comments. I could make out that it´ s just the experiences that you have written. Money is not the issue here. It’s just the emotions that might create havoc in my life. I am not sure if there would be ego problems between my mother and my wife...maybe... Yeah the solution to this would be just making everyone feel secure.

I liked the last para of your comments the most. Trust me there are always issues in the marriage celebrations. Most of them are just for some pity issues. Maybe I will try to remember your comments at those moments.

Lastly, thanks for sharing your experiences. I learnt something different. All the best for the future and have a great life ahead.

Thanks and regards,
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Name: Piya Singh
Subject:  For Mr. Confused
Can we decide where we can have some personal conversation on net. If u don' t mind........It' s totally upto you only........ If you want then only...

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Name: Moon Light
Subject:  Hi ..nothing wrong in ur thinking.
I hv joined in a bit too late, however I agree with confused .I was brought up in the family where BOTH parents were working..We as kids had difficult time managing all alone.We were 3 , elder sister,myself and younger brother.Even though parents supported us all along we used to MISSED mother a lot. eg like coming from school we wanted to hug our mother before anything ,but had to open the door all by ourself taking the door key from neighbour.Eat our food ,do homework ...and late evening open the door for parents.In Goa the school timing is from 8.0 am to 1.0 pm .Every body thinks of themself ..has anyone asked the kids what they want?..We have suffered a lot for love of mother when we were young.I remember when I was in 5th grade , We told our mother to let go her carrier , but be with us .She told that she was doing all this for our better tomorrow.We told her that we will eat less to save money but we want her at home...She gave in looking at our geniune looks in the eyes.My siter did her masters in Socialogy ,we both became Engineers and MBA , and r well satteled.I am 42 now,live with parents.Please note that Both my parents do NOT depend on me financially.I am Married to a home maker.
I challange all the working mothers to answer me , are they at comfort/ease when they say \" tata\" to their kids before leaving to work?
One of the parrent has to be at home till the kids r independent and grown.Even animals take kare of the kids till they r self sufficient ,they dont send their kids to creche !
When the kid NEEDS you , you are NOT around and when you will need them in ur old age THEY will not be available fo you.It is not the question of money , but is a emotional support and mental piece.Money can bring in prosperity but not love !
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Name: Confused
Subject:  Hi Moonlight and rimy

Dear Moonlight/rimy,

Your comments reflect the two sides of life. At one hand you have money and a better quality of life, on the other you have love. Everyone has a different way and approach towards life but I think at the end of the day it´ s happiness and love that matters.

Again there can be other side of life which means that the hard work put in by the wife for her studies would be wasted.

I am not trying to justify anyone of you but from my personal perspective, I would choose option one.

Thanks guys for writing me. As always it helped. Good luck and take care.

Thanks and regards,
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Name: rimy
Subject:  hello moonlight
iam soon goin to be mum of baby gal.i know its hard but i hav to be bac at work.even i was brought in the same manner as yours.i tink we need both love and money.if i dont work how i will educate my kids in a nicz will we live our old todays world ur not sure ur kids will take care of you.coz its noone´ s fault the world is like once grown up its their we have to manage both.besides I dont want to stop my career which just started.
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Name: sss
Subject:  different view
dear confused,
i think you are not confused anyway(you are very sure about what you want).but i certainly think that you are wrong in some of your think only a housewife cook,take care of the house and inlaws.that is very wrong.a working woman take care of her home,in laws and her husband and kids.she is more confident,more aware,and can be quite fun to have as a life partner.yes,she is not a superwoman.she will need help from you,your in-laws and even help from servants.but this arrangement is not bad as you think it is.i am myself a working woman,not in IT,but an engineer in govt service.i have a kid also.i take full care of my son when i am at home,cook my hubby' s favorite dishes and have a wonderful relation with my in laws who live in another child is a happy and healthy two year old,my husband is happy as we dont have time for petty fights(though we have our share of fights)and we have a good life(touchwood!!!).
i am not saying that what works for us will work for you also.but i just want to tell you that every coin has two sides.working or not working,both have some good points and bad happy in whatever situaton you are.that is the way to be happy.all the best.
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Name: Rekha
Subject:  hope this helps
Why have u written on this board. U know what u the tricky part is finding her.
I do have a question for u though...when u say educated...what do u mean...someone who has done an MS, phd...or an MBBS like u sis?? As u u' r self said...if some girl has spent a good part of her life trying to get into a will be difficult for her to give that up...and for u to expect that it wrong too.
I think in today' s world we all want to have a bit of life outside the women do enjoy working too...but not all women like having stressful IT like careers...u say u would like a housewife...but if she wanted to work part time or from time to time...would u throw a fit?

I don' t live with my inlaws. They r really nice people and they live in a different city. I' m a stay home mom at the moment (married 10 yrs)...and on the whole get along well with if they were living with us...specially right from the start ...i' m not sure how this story would be going .
WHat I' m trying to say is has more tolerence for one' s parents than for one' s inlaws. The tolerence for in laws comes with time.

I think u' r expectations r reasonable long as u find a girl willing and looking fwd to being a housewife or not having a demanding career.....but the part where u say she needs to take care of my parents.....u need to give that time. When a girl gets married..she wants a husband and a life with the husband...but it' s expected of her to love her in laws irrespective of how they treat her....if the treat her good...which from the sounds of it u' r parents seem like, then there will be a good relationship and she would automatically want to take care of them...
But u have to play an imp role too...make u' r wife feel wanted and respected and at the same time not hurt u' r parents.

There r many types of people in this world...some want working wives...some not working...I don' t think that is long as u don' t start thinking that u r superior that her. U make her feel like she is u' r equal...irrespective whether she brings home money or not.
remember there r always ups and downs in plz don' t get scared. If u' r heart is good and u' r parents r not money minded and will treat her like they treat u' r sis...then everything will be fine (yes u will have hurdles from time to time....but that comes with life as a package.

I hope i was able to help u see what a women wants...respect....whether she is working or not.
I wish u the best. U know what u r looking half the quest is done...i sincerely hope u find someone who fulfills u' r needs...and that U R ABLE to fulfil her needs.
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Name: Confused
Subject:  It definitely helped
Dear Rekha,

It was good to have comments from someone who has been married for so long. In fact I have come to know a couple of new points.

1. You asked me what I actually mean by educated. To me education means a graduate. Preferably a non professional one. I know very well the efforts that one needs to put in professional education. So since I want to go for a housewife, I do not want someone with professional education. I believe that education gives a new rational direction of thinking and any kind of education would give you that (Provided you have been sincere).

2. If my wife wants to work part time or time to time: See there is no harm if anyone works. All I have wanted is a home (Not a HOUSE). I do not believe in the idea of being a Superman or a Superwoman. There is nothing called work-life balance. My HR keeps going on and on about it but the fact is nothing of such kind exists. Let´ s just look it this way: When I return from work, I am so tired that it´ s just dinner and bed for me. Same should be applicable for women also. Then how can I expect her to cook and do all the household duties?

3. My parents: I really liked your comment: “The tolerance for in-laws comes with time." This could have been the most genuine comments that I could have got. I fully understand the meaning of it. Thanks for this line. Maybe I could be a better person after that.

4. My would be wife: My parents have been rather busy in searching the perfect one. They are very excited about it. On the other hand it´ s me who is tensed. You know I have madly fallen in love with my would be (As of now I even do not know who she is) At the same time I hate her for making me go thru all these emotions. I was very happy some time back had good friends, money to spend and so on. But my life is pretty screwed up these days.

5. Finding her: This has been the most difficult part till date. All the proposals that I have got are from my own Fraternity: The great IT professionals. Not even a single non working girl. Can you imagine it? I feel helpless. I have no idea what I am going to do. But one thing´ s for sure. I will fight till my last breath...heee...Only non working girls for me.... (I know I deserve a lot of harsh commnets from IT folks)

Rekha thanks again for your comments. I really liked your point of view a lot.

Thanks and regards,
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