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Joint Family:Is this a test?
2002-07-18
Name: V Dear Friends to be,
I'm very distressed and quite ashamed of my situation. I didn't know where to post his topic since it doesn't fit into either category well.

I'm happily married. My husband and I have a great relationship. My MIL and FIL seem to really like me. They are truly like a second set of parents...except...

during the day.

Well, I am at home with our children. My \";job\"; is to care for the home and my husband and MIL usually oversee the store. My FIL goes to the store to work sometimes, other times, he chooses to stay home with me.

In our home is my in laws, my 2 BILs, me and hubby and our 2 babies.

When my BIL stay off from work or something, my FIL goes to the store, if they go off to work, he stays back with me. At first, I felt good about this since it gets lonesome at home with kids and no adults all day.

Then, one day, my FIL came up to me when I cooked lunch for us and he walked passed me and brushed up against my behind. I just thought is was accidental...

The next week, he made comments about my body saying I'm in good shape to have just had a baby. I took it as a compliment and forgot it...

The next day or so...
I was coming hanging clothes in the garden and he grabbed me tight from behind. I pulled away and I was speechless.

I told him he shouldn't do that since he's my FIL.
I asked my husband that night if he'd insist that his Dad joined them at the store. He said his Dad can come to the store. When he asked his Dad to join him, he refused and said he's going to stay back home with me to help out.

That very next day, he practically chased me around the room; trying to kiss me.

When everyone's home from work, he's \";normal\";...

I am scared. I don't want him home alone with me and I've planned to take me and our babies to my cousin sister during the days if this keeps up...

I am not sure of what I should do. I feel dirty and I feel I'm in a sticky situation.

Please tell me what I should do before this goes any further.
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2006-02-21
#1
Name: Renu
Subject:  Sick FIL
This is very bad, I would slap him and tell him off. I do not think you should wait at all, he is pretty sick.

Do not let him go any further, try to keep your MIL home with him. Tell your husband right in front of him that looks like there is something wrong with this BUDDA.

If this is me, I would call him BUDDA, go to hell.

If you come close to me ever again, I am going to kill you, you stupid man.
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2003-03-28
#2
Name: veba
Subject:  test
Hello V,

While I am late in reading this post I pray things have worked out and you are feeling better in your relations. Please Do not feel guilty or ill that this may in any way be your fault.

While there are MANY great suggestion here I can not offer others in ways that have not already been suggested.

However, if you have tried everything else and nothing seems to have worked, may I suggest you tell your F-I-L that if he ever makes another disrespectful advance towards you, he will have to be explaining to the family (and authorities) why he has a huge bump on his head and in great pain in his groin.

This man is sick! He needs help and if taking physical action maybe the only way for him to get the message. Then so be it. Also if he is this way towards you, then it could one day pass down to the other females in the family.

God bless you,
Veba
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2002-07-22
#3
Name: Shocked
Subject:  Nonsense stuff
Hi V,

I totally agree with abx. Dont take this matter lightly, one day he tried kissing u, who knows few days later what he might do. U have to understand that this is a very very difficult and delicate situation u r in. If u tell ur husband or mil or anyone (except ur parents), I dont think they will believe u (even though ur mil is a sweet person, to her her husband will be the first priority). So record everything ASAP in a taperecorder or a camcorder. And then talk to ur husband about it. But before that I would suggest u threaten ur fil that if he touches u one more time, u will go straight away to the police and file a complaint. But one thing is for sure, ur husband has to know about this. But of course, make sure u have the proof. And till this gets over, dont be alone with that stupid old man even for a moment. I dont want to scare u but let me advise u one more thing. If any of ur children r girls, then please please never ever leave ur girl baby alone with ur fil. I dont want to sound like a bad woman and scare u but believe me, anything can happen. Kids r more vulnerable and if u have a baby girl, then try to find out if he has done anything to her. She might be so scared that she might have not told this to anyone. But please, dont ever leave her alone with him and try to solve this as soon as u can. Its a big risk.
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2002-07-19
#4
Name: abx
Subject:  be bold
Dear V,
I was really shocked to read ur message, its really stupid on ur fil's part to have behaved like that. How old is that foolish man, isn't ur mil along with u during day time. Why dosen't that stupid man go behind his wife and do all this rubbish. I believe ur mil also stay at home with u, so as far as possible always stay only with ur mil and stand by her side always.
I feel u should never take this matter so easily. U should talk to ur mil and ur husband about this. Tell ur mil about this firs and see her raction, if that lady dosen't seem to support u, then talk about this to ur husband, I hope ur hubby is supportive. There can be only hurdle in solving this problem.i.e. ur hubby and mil might not believe how bad a man ur fil is. For this i would suggest an idea. Have a small walkman handy in the pocket of ur dress of somewhere inside, and when ur fil comes near u, u would tell him something and he too would tell u something, and try and record all the dirty talks that he made and show it to ur mil and husband. And another thing is u can warn ur fil saying u would complain to the police if this keeps continuing and he will be put behind bars for harassing u.
And lastly, after all these problems are solved, tell ur husband that u don't wish to stay under the same roof with ur in laws, as those thoughts disturb u a lot. I think u are a very patient girl. If i were in ur situation i would have slapped that man on his face, without even bothering that he is my fil and i would have walked out of that house. V, there's no point in keeping quite. Do all the tricks that i told and for heavens sake move out of that house, and live separately. When ur fil is such a vulgar person, no point in living him him. STAY AWAY FROM THEM. I feel u can also talk to ur parents about all this if all these tricks dosen't work out. I understand the embarassing situation u are undergoing. Please be bold and fight against that old man. What he is doing is rubbish. And please keep us posted about the improvements. Wish u all the best.
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2002-07-19
#5
Name: V
Subject:  I'm feel stronger
Thank you for your advise.
I'm going to charge the battery in our camcorder this weekend. I may just set it up out of obvious view...

This FIL of mine is 63 years old. I never a man that age could be so nasty! I think he's showing disrespect for his wife, his son, me...I mean, this is why I'm so embarassed.

I have thought it over and I do need to tell my parents. I will talk to them about this issue also.

I have been so ashamed about all of this since it's so sticky of a situation. I'm feeling much stronger and I don't feel as "dirty" any more thanks to all you that are showing your support for me.

Really, when a girl marries into a family, she expects to be respected and treated well; she never plans to have a FIL with perversion.

My dear MIL is such a good woman. I mean, she's a warm-hearted person and I have so much love for her.

I will keep all of you posted on all updates.

Thank you friend,
V
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2002-07-19
#6
Name: Friend
Subject:  Dear Friend
I am so sorry to hear that your FIL behaves in such a shameless manner with you.

My suggestion to you would be the following but please do what is best for you and your husband and children.

1- Tell your FIL and continue to tell him that what he is doing is inappropriate and you will not tolerate it.

2- If you can place a camcorder or something in the house and tape the event so you have proof or tell your husband to come home for lunch one day and he might just catch your FIL in the act.

3- I realize it is a difficult and \";sticky\"; situation but you have to tell your husband. If he is a level headed man like you said he is then he will hopefully take your side and question the matter. Just be very careful as to how you phrase it. He is after all his father and he may feel compelled to take his father's side unfortunatley.

4- If you don't want to tell your husband then get involved in some sort of activity with your children such as play groups or start something at home with other adults. Figure out ways so you are not alone with your FIL.

5- Another suggestion would be to tell your husband that you need more space and a place of your own.

Be strong, don't back down. It isn't an easy situation and there isn't an easy way to handle this either. I wish you alot of luck and I will pray that things work out for you.
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2002-07-19
#7
Name: V
Subject:  Thank you
Thank you Friend,
I am feeling even stronger about my options now that I'm reading input. What I did this day was invite my sister over and she came by after in the afternoon. We spent the day at my place with my little ones. My FIL eventually got uneasy and went for a walk. When he got back, I went down to my cousin sisters place for a while and our children played some more...
By the time I got back home, one of my BILs were home and I felt totally at ease.

So, what I did today did make me feel good; however, this was just a temporary thing, I have to tell my husband in some sort of way so this can be dealt with since there will eventually come a time that either my sister or my cousin sister will not be able to come by or something.

I plan to sit down with my MIL this weekend and tell her that I would love for her to stay back home with me. She's a good woman and I think the main reason she has been at the shop was to oversee everything in some way. However, really, my FIL and husband need to handle all that...right?

I plan to ask my husband to come home for lunch somedays also...

I for sure need to discuss all this and also discuss us moving to a place; that is a big issue, but, it's something to consider.

Thank you so very much,
Thanks for praying for my situation also,

Your Friend,
V
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2002-07-18
#8
Name: prabha
Subject:  reply
Hi V,

I felt very sad by reading your message.
there are two ways to solve the problem.

one way is that you can discuss with your husband about this and ask him to talk to his father,when nobody is at home.because as your FIL is near to the other members of house they won't support you.
Either your husband or you can tell him that if he is going to continue this behavior you will move to a different house.

The other way is if u can discuss all this and convince your husband moving to a different house.Simply without arguments you can attribute any other reason and move to a different house.

whatever i do in your situation i told you .Think over it.

Bye,
whishing u all the best,
Prabha
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2002-07-18
#9
Name: V
Subject:  I feel comforted
Dear Prabha,
Thank you so much for your advice. I will think everything over like you mentioned.

I have felt so ashamed of this ordeal and I have not told one soul (with the exception of this post). I would love to move to another place, I just feel that nothing good will come from us staying there.

Also, I feel like my husband is in a touchy situation, he is a level headed man, at least, but, now, I have to figure out when and how to make the move to either have us move out or something.

You're absolutely right, by me being in the home of my inlaws, they will not take my side.

I will keep you posted as to what happens along the way.

Thank you so very much,
a new friend,
V
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