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The
Working Mother
With
inputs from Dr. Sushma Mehrotra, psychologist
Democratic notions
The tide is beginning to turn in
the world social order. Traditional family roles are changing as democratic
notions creep into the social system. Earlier, it was assumed to be written
in stone that the man was the provider in the family and the woman the
homemaker. In India, while a majority of the women may still be fighting
against the old order, some have definitely seen the light at the end of
the tunnel. And it is not just because women are beginning to realize that
there is a world outside their kitchen windows. Women are also turning
out in large numbers in the work force due to economic necessity.
But as in the case of every social
change, there is a lag between actions and attitudes. While people may
be willing to accept the idea of career women, they are not willing to
excuse them from their duties as career moms. The attitude towards working
women seems to be that while people have no objection to availing of their
talents and abilities outside the home, women are not allowed to compromise
on home life. And if they do, they should be made to feel the error of
their ways. In the first place, the term 'working mother' is a misnomer
as mothers are working round the clock even if they don't go to an office.
Being a working mother is not the easiest job in the world. Some women
are good at it, some don't have a choice, some choose a middle path and
some don't even try it. The point is that it is the women who should have
the right to exercise the option to work or not to work, assuming that
they have one. And if they do elect to pursue a career, it is important
that their families be supportive.
Making the decision
Mothers who have a choice whether
to work or not to work have to consider many things before they take the
decision. First of all, they need to be clear about their priorities. Does
the baby and family come first or is a career and financial security of
greater importance? They also have to decide whether they would be happy
having servants or other family members look after their children. They
need to realize that by taking the decision to work, they will probably
miss out on all the major milestones of their babies' lives. Mothers need
to remember that a job can be very demanding not only in terms of time,
but also energy. Women spread themselves really thin trying to juggle work
life and home life. They will have to consider the stress factor of the
job because it is not easy to cope with the pressures of a high-stress
job and the demands of a baby. Women should also discuss their decision
to work or not with their spouses because they will need their support.
It may help to find a job that has flexi-hours. It will make it easier
for mothers to be able to stay home on days when there is no other caretaker
for the baby or to leave early if there is an emergency.
Sushmita Roy gave up a lucrative
career as a management consultant with a multinational and started her
own web design firm so that she could work from home. She says, "After
Tara was born, I decided that I couldn't go back to working at a job with
such long and erratic hours. I didn't want to miss out on any special moments
in my daughter's life. But at the same time, I didn't want to be
a full-time mother because I really enjoyed working. Working from home
was the only option."
Some women have no choice. Veena
Marathe had to start working because she and her husband realized that
his salary would not be enough to live on once the baby arrived. Veena
started working as a receptionist when her baby was one year old. She says.
"I felt terrible leaving my baby at such a young age, but I had no choice.
It's not easy being a working mother. I come home tired from work and I
have to look after the baby and cook and clean. I get so irritated with
my husband and I have even begun to resent the baby's demands and I know
it's because I'm so tired. To make things worse, I don't like my job. I'm
just doing it for the money. "
Suhasini Mehta dreams of becoming
a partner in the law firm she works for. She says, "My job is high-stress
and I have to work long hours, but I am determined to make it to the top.
I live with my in-laws and both they and my husband are very supportive.
I know that my in-laws will take good care of my daughter so I can work
with a clear conscience."
When to return
to work
Mothers often worry that their babies
will forget them once they return to work. But they need not fear because
babies recognize their mother's voices right from birth and are not going
to forget even if their mothers are away for the whole day. The question
then is when is the best time to go back to work? According to Dr. Sushma
Mehrotra, "Ideally a working mother should only return to work when her
baby is at least one year old. Otherwise, there is a danger that the baby
may develop separation anxiety." Experts feel that mothers should wait
till they have bonded with the baby and feel confident in their new role
as mothers. For women who don't have a choice, it really depends on the
amount of maternity leave they can wangle.
Spending quality
time
According to Dr. Mehrotra, it is
not the quantity of time mothers spend with their children but the quality
that matters. "A working mother who spends one hour of quality time every
day with her child will probably establish a better bond with her child
than one who is home nagging the child all the time."
In Dr. Mehrotra's view, "Working
mothers definitely have less time to spend with their children than the
mothers who are at home. But it's not that a housewife is a better mother
than a working mother. Even if the working mother is pressed for time,
as long as she spends quality time with her child it is enough. Sometimes
mothers are around the house the whole day but they don't even look at
their children. They provide them with food and other facilities, but their
involvement with the child is minimum. They think their presence is enough.
But that is not true. It is quality time and the way you interact with
your children that makes the difference."
"For instance, if a working mother
takes the trouble to find out what her child has been doing the whole day
and accepts the child's reply, she will probably have a better bond with
her child. On the other hand, a child may feel rejected if a mother who
has been home the whole day has not bothered to see what her child is up
to. It really depends on the kind of communication and bonding that mothers
have with their children. Mothers must talk to their children, they must
interact with them and must accept their children."
Quality time does not imply that
the mother must cram a hundred activities in the little free time that
she has to spend with her child. It is enough to just spend time together
doing routine things like eating together or just cuddling each other.
Mothers should talk to their children telling them about their day and
asking about theirs. Given the fact that time is of the essence, mothers
need to prioritize household chores and only do those that are absolutely
essential on a daily basis. Mothers should try to tune out distractions
like the television, radio and telephone calls when they are spending some
special time with their babies. Quality time should not be restricted to
the mother and baby alone. Mothers shouldn't forget the fathers and should
make it a point to involve them in quality time activities.
The disadvantages
In the long run, in a situation where
both parents are working and not spending enough time with their children,
it can have an adverse effect on the child's development. Dr. Mehrotra
feels, "Children may feel neglected and seek stimulation outside the house.
Servants can look after a child's basic needs, but they cannot be responsible
for the child's intellectual, social and emotional development."
In her experience, Dr. Mehrotra has
found that very often, mothers who have to go back to work are not happy
leaving their child at such a young age. They feel guilty and anxious and
their anxiety is transmitted to the child. The mother will phone home ten
times a day to find out what is happening and try to give instructions
over the phone. This can make the whole family develop neurotic tendencies.
"When a mother is anxious, she makes everybody anxious."
"Often working mothers succumb to
children's demands very easily because they feel guilty. They feel that
they can compensate for their absence by giving their children money. But
a child's needs are not material. Children want warmth and emotional security,"
says Dr. Mehrotra.
Probably the best thing for women
to do if they want to work is to either work part-time or to get a job
that has flexi-hours or to work freelance. However, in cases where mothers
have no family at home to leave their children with, a good creche may
be an option to consider. Ideally, a person running a creche will be educated
and experienced with children and definitely a better option than leaving
children to their own devices or with servants. But mothers must be very
careful about checking the credentials of the person running the creche
and speak to parents of other children in the creche before they take a
decision to send their child to one.
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