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Debunking New Mother Myths Becoming parents is a huge change, but one that many couples have strong opinions about. However, those opinions often get in the way of an easier adjustment. Some of the most frequent misconceptions of a new mother are discussed below: Your baby's hair is straight and fine - you expected it to be curly and thick. His ears are huge, and his nose is tiny. She has your mother-in-law's hands! He has your father-in-law's eyes! You are amazed and bewildered. This is not the baby of your fantasies and you are not overflowing with maternal love like you hoped to be. In fact, you don't even feel like a mother and you wish people would stop asking how it feels to be a "mom." Perhaps you are exhilarated the first few weeks after your baby's birth, only to wake up two months later in tears, overwhelmed by your new role. You are still overweight. You are bone-tired. Your husband seems to have resumed his life at the office, just as it was before the baby. But you are at home, feeling frumpy, grumpy and isolated. A childless friend calls to tell you about her terrific vacation in Goa and you burst into tears. You wonder, will you and your husband ever vacation again? You're not alone. Most new parents find that life with a new baby is not what they imagined it would be. Some of the new reality is better than expected, some of it worse, some of it just plain different. Most are unprepared for this bumpy path, in no small part because new parenthood " especially new motherhood " is steeped in mythology. "Maternal instinct" is supposed to chart the course. New wave mothers and fathers are supposed to fall into loving and cooperative roles starting with the first labor contraction. As any parent who has been through the first three months can tell you, reality has little to do with these fantasies, and the fantasies serve only to make you feel guilty and disappointed. The parents who handle these months the best are those who try to roll with the emotional punches. They are wise enough to abandon the idea of trying to mold the experience to meet their fantasy or any one else's. My body and emotions will return to "normal" within a few months of the baby 's birth. For most women this is not true.
It more often takes six months to a year to lose the weight put on during
pregnancy. This should not come as such a surprise - after all, it took
nine months to produce a baby, it's not unreasonable to take nine months
to reverse the enormous changes pregnancy made in your body. And don't
be surprised if your body has permanently changed in certain ways. Your
bone structures may have changed slightly; your shoe size might even be
different. If you had a cesarean, you may find your stomach has a slightly
different shape, in spite of frequent exercise. It will also take a while
for your body to regain its hormonal balance, particularly if you are nursing.
Women sometimes complain that sex is not as pleasurable, even after the
immediate postpartum period has passed. Your body will feel good again
in time, but don't be disappointed if it takes longer than you imagined.
I can be in control of the experience. During the first few months, your baby is apt to be the one in the driver's seat. Newborns don't care whether you just stepped in the shower, or just feel asleep. When they are hungry or want to be held, they will cry out until you come. Because of this, it is absolutely normal to feel out of control during the first few months. This can be quite disconcerting - especially for women used to holding jobs in which tasks are planned, organized and completed. There will be days with your baby when everything runs smoothly. But there will also be days when the baby's demands create chaos, and you feel like shouting. Days may pass in a fog, and you cannot explain to your childless friends " or to yourself " what you have been doing. All you know is that the baby keeps you running. You may find yourself obsessing on some minor task, like organizing the changing table or trying to straighten the living room, just to inject a sense of order into your life. In these early months, it's better
to try to accept a little chaos; having a baby is not a tidy experience.
In time, you and your baby will develop a rhythm. Your baby will settle
into a schedule, sleep longer, and at the same time you will start to feel
more confident and competent.
There is one right way to do things. Many baby books promote this idea.
They are full of advice on how to survive these early months. New parents
are often told, for example, that all newborns love to be swaddled. Or
you may be told that all babies love motion, and the best way to calm a
colicky baby is to put the baby in the car and drive around. Indeed, this
may be true of 99 percent of all babies - but not of yours. The notion
that there is one right way to handle all children is a comforting one
" all we would have to do is find and follow it, and baby care would be
easy " but the notion is also false, since all children and all parents
are not exactly alike. These first few months are a time to experiment
and find out what you and your baby like best.
The baby's father will act exactly the way you want him to. Men's roles are changing. Many men now do venture into the delivery room. This has led many women to expect that dad will also automatically wake up for night feedings, change diapers without asking and generally share in newborn care. In most cases, this simply does not happen for a variety of reasons. Many men equate fathering with being a good provider, and feel the pressure to work even harder after the baby is born. Thus, rather than immersing themselves in baby care, they may actually withdraw into work feeling this makes them a better father. They may also take longer to develop a strong bond with the baby, since most fathers do not spend as much time with a newborn as mothers. This myth can cause enormous strain
on a relationship, especially for a couple that has been used to sharing
most responsibilities in the past. Don't romanticize your abilities or
your mates'. Expect this to be an enormously stressful time, and that you
will both react to stress as you normally would only more so. If your husband
withdraws under stress, he may withdraw even more now. Birth will not magically
transform either your husband or you into perfect, new wave parents. It
is essential for the two of you to have time alone together, without the
baby. Take it slowly and give each other a lot of leeway in these
early months.
It is pathological to be depressed in the first three months; I should have it all together at least by then. You would have to be crazy not to feel crazy at times in these early months. Your sense of humor, sense of proportion and sense of self may fly out the window at times during these early months. And this should not be surprising. Your sleep patterns are disturbed, and many new mothers don't eat as well as they should. Sooner or later, you realize your whole identity is changing. As the enormity of the changes sweep over you, you may feel depressed or rather manic-depressive, uncertain about how you feel. One day you're not ready to be a mother, you're overwhelmed by the responsibility. You may feel a sense of loss, in mourning for the person you used to be. A week later, you may zing into a mood of exultation, feeling excited at your new role and the way your life is changing. Feeling confused is simply a sign that you are acknowledging the change. Indeed, we believe the minute you confess you are not ready to be a parent is the minute you are absolutely ready for your new role. It means you have begun to face the experience head on, and to sort out its meanings. Some of your reactions may well be exaggerated by the lack of sleep, but intense mood swings, irritability, and elation are all common in the first three months. Some new parents do find themselves
in a more severe emotional crisis, and need to seek counseling. If you
depression is unrelenting and you feel you simply can't handle the experience,
short-term counseling or therapy may help you work out your feelings. Or
if a number of friends and family express concern over changes in your
moods, you may also want to consider counseling.
If I don't know what to do now, I'll never be a good mother. Unfortunately, mothers are not given
divine knowledge about their babies from the moment of birth. It takes
a while to learn how to handle your child, and it takes a while to learn
the parameters of what is normal, healthy behavior in your child. It may
even take a few months to learn how to comfort your baby and if you have
a colicky baby, it may take you a few months to learn that there is very
little you can do to comfort your baby during colic. You may panic when
your baby spits up, or has her first fever or cold. Such feelings are especially
common with a first child, but they occur also with a second, third or
tenth child. Learning to be a good mother means learning about this baby,
and that takes time. Don't be disturbed if you feel inept changing a diaper
and haven't the foggiest notion what your baby's cries mean. None of it
is automatic, and every mother has plenty of questions in the first three
months.
I have to be careful not to spoil my baby. It is not possible to spoil a baby
in the first three months - perhaps not even in the first 12 months. A
newborn does not cry to get your goat or to manipulate you. These tiny
creatures are not yet capable of such adult motives. A newborn cries to
get her needs met; she has no other means of communication. Responding
to cries does not encourage a baby to cry more often. Indeed, studies show
that babies who are attended to promptly cry less. Your quick response
assures her that she lives in a safe, dependable environment.
I must give my baby plenty of "stimulation " in the first three months. The latest folk wisdom holds that
the more you "stimulate" your baby, the smarter he will be. New parents
are also told that the earlier their baby gets used to other people, the
better he will socialize later. All of this is not necessarily true, and
certainly not true of every baby. A new baby is stimulated by everything
around her, because, to him everything is new. Talking and interacting
with your baby will give him all the "stimulation" he needs. You needn't
rush out to the local baby massage class or infant gym - unless you find
it a convenient way to meet other new mothers, and your baby seems to enjoy
the experience. A crowd of people makes some babies cranky, tired or fearful.
Nursing will be a pleasant experience right from the beginning. It often takes up to six weeks to
enjoy nursing. Many women are disappointed and shocked when they find that
it is difficult at first. Engorgement " when your milk comes in " can be
painful and your nipples may be sore from the sucking. Nursing can also
be fatiguing, and it takes a while for your milk to work in sync with the
baby's needs - you may find that you are leaking milk between feedings.
This is all normal. Do not be discouraged by people who say your milk is
not good; it is the best food your baby can have.
I can consciously decide what kind of mother I want to be, and act on those beliefs all the time. It's good to have ideals, but it's
also important to be realistic. Your baby's personality will play a role
in the kind of mother you are. A baby who is serene most of time makes
it easier for her mother to be serene much of the time. If your baby is
a good sleeper or a good eater, or nurses a lot or nurses a little, it
will change the demands on you and so the way you react. Your own history
will also come into play, no matter how hard you try to avoid it. You may
vow to be different from your own parents, and in many ways, you probably
will be. But our history is not erased the moment we become parents. It
is more than likely that there will be days that you will behave just like
your mother. Rather then punish yourself, you may find yourself more empathetic
to your mother. Or you may analyze why you acted that way, and try to change
that behavior in the future. But it's important to give yourself the gift
of flexibility. No one is perfect, and no one can predict how she will
feel as a parent before she becomes one. Allow yourself to be human,
and to change your mind!
The baby will be a lovely addition to my life; it won 't really change things fundamentally. A baby will change your life fundamentally,
although it may dawn on you only gradually. At first, if your baby is willing,
you may be able to cart her around to cocktail parties and restaurants,
letting her sleep in a portable bassinet or stroller. And you may even
survive a few days of pretending that you have the same energy and abilities
that you had before you became pregnant. Sooner or later, however, the
enormous changes that your body has undergone, the lack of sleep and the
presence of this new person in your house will have its effect. As the
early months pass, you will come to see that having a baby is not just
adding another pair of socks to the laundry. It is a responsibility and
an adventure, an experience that alters that relationship between you and
your mate, you and the larger world and creates an entirely new relationship
for you.
You will feel an instant attachment to your baby. Many new mothers are so exhausted by the birth experience that they are not even interested in their baby at first. Sometimes the baby looks so different from what they expected that they are shocked. Or a new mother is upset that the relationship is such a one-way street at first - she gives so much to her newborn, and she doesn't get even a smile for the first month. All of these emotions are quite common and normal. Your reactions to each baby you have
will depend on you, the birth experience, your baby's temperament and appearance
and other demands on you at the time. It is odd that in most of our relationships,
we accept that it takes time to form a strong bond, but mothers are expected
to offer newborns instant, unconditional love. You may have that feeling
- but then again, you may not. It may take you and your baby a while to
come to know and love each other.
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