 |
Role
of Grandparents
- DR.ATUL
KANIKAR
Consulting
Pediatrician
"Quarrels would not last long,
if the fault was only on one side."
 With
the ever-increasing number of nuclear families where both partners are
working, maids are given the job of literally raising the children. Important
developmental tasks like socialization, disciplining and language development
are left to the television or this housemaid.
While parents know this is not in
the best interests of their children, they still accept it because it does
not afford any interference in their routine life. The parents [especially
the mother] experience full liberty and authority towards the growing child
and the entire family administration at the meager cost of monthly salary
of the maid. The advantages of having the company of grandparents are ignored,
because parents don't want anyone bossing them around or teaching them
how to raise their own children, and rightly so.
The mother has no intention of humiliating
either the husband or the grandparents. All she wants is parenting without
criticism and she wants to avoid being unnecessarily blamed by all for
any misbehavior by the child.
However, there are more advantages
than disadvantages of having grandparents in the family. It all depends
on everybody's personalities, expectations, contributions, and communication
styles. Often parents and grandparents get into a situation where they
are competing at 'parenting'. The smaller issues like disciplining, menu
for lunch, T.V. watching, birthday gifts, dressing styles, doing chores
etc. soon become the topics of disputes. The previous confrontations are
remembered and bounced back and conflicts set in.
Many times, the father and grandfather
keep out of trouble, only to listen to the grumbling of their wives who
no longer get along. The children are smart enough to take the advantage
of the situation for their own benefit. What should be done to avoid such
situations? Can those broken families be brought together again? Is it
possible for the father to give instructions to his parents? Are we following
the western style of 'homes for the aged? Is that our own destiny when
we become old? This article aims at giving both sides of the story.
Strategies for parents:
-
Avoid shouting or talking back at grandparents.
Even if there is a dispute, discuss it when children are not around. Remember
children may not be good listeners but they are very good observers.
-
Lay down certain ground rules which
should be followed by everybody - including the grandparents, e.g. T.V.
watching. Let the rules be discussed with all prior to implementation.
-
If you feel that you are being unfairly
blamed and criticized, you should discuss it immediately. If you sense
interference, double game, taking sides etc. on the part of grandparents,
be bold enough to openly discuss it. Let the steam blow off early.
-
Convey your expectations very clearly
to each member of the family. Let everybody know what he/she is supposed
to do.
-
Praise the grandparents if you think
they have done a good job, or if they have helped you. Never expect too
much from them. Consider the age-related restrictions. Avoid criticism
and bad remarks. It really hurts at their age.
-
Give responsibilities to the grandparents
when you are away. Let them feel that they also count. Make use of their
experience and wisdom instead of making 'use' of them. To be trusted is
a greater compliment than to be loved.
-
Arrange for regular family meetings
and get-togethers. Having at least one family meal together is a very important
step towards healthy family relationships.
-
Feel comfortable to take advices from
grandparents regarding important issues, e.g. disciplining, career choices,
financial matters, family rituals etc.
-
What you do to the grandparents probably
will be repeated few years later by your children. Be a good role model
before you expect good treatment from your children, when you become old.
-
Be prepared to face not-so-good relationships
in the future. The times are changing. Do not expect the same amount of
affection and intimacy from today's children, which you are showing towards
today's grandparents.
Strategies for grandparents:
-
Remember the basic rule: You are not
parents. Never interfere with sensitive issues like discipline and studies,
unless asked for. Avoid taking sides, especially in front of the children.
-
Never humiliate/criticize parents in
front of their children. Whatever you want to advise should be in private.
Do not use children as means of fighting with parents. Family conflicts
and raising children should be separate. Never use phrases like, 'if it
was me...' or 'In my time...' or 'When you were a kid...' or 'When your become
old as me, you would be worse than what I am.'etc. The demands for
parenting and what constitutes parenting is constantly changing. What was
rational yesterday may not be valid today and will never be applicable
tomorrow.
-
Give positive remarks, when you feel
that the parents have done a good job. Be quick to compliment, and slow
to blame.
-
Try to compensate for working parents
when they are away. Try to cushion the stress and demands of modern day
parenting. Take initiatives and responsibilities during crisis without
dominating the show. Your task of parenting continues even when you are
grandparents. Give your comfortable lap not only to grandchildren but also
to the parents, when needed. After all, you are the pillars of the family.
Pillars are for supporting, not for creating obstacles.
-
Children, especially adolescents, may
rebel. Do not feel humiliated in that case. Discuss the steps that should
be taken, in case you sense danger. Use humor whenever possible. Family
rituals and gatherings offer the best platform for discussing and negotiating
issues, which need delicate handling. Try to inculcate family norms and
values into your growing grandchildren and give proper explanations each
time you do so.
-
Accept your own limitations as grandparents
without taking things personally. Old age is not so bad when you consider
the alternatives. Share your physical as well as mental problems with family
members. Be bold to resist being 'used up'.
-
Avoid constant criticism. It gives a
message that nobody except you is capable of running the family. The parents
may feel hopeless and inferior if you constantly pass negative remarks.
Children also loose respect towards the parents.
-
Give priority to parent's concerns over
your grandchildren's demands. Listen to both sides in case of disputes
and find a mutually agreeable solution, thus acting as a buffer.
-
Take vacations for short periods. Let
family members feel that you are needed.
-
Help the parents and grandchildren in
whatever way you can with your experience and knowledge. Staying away from
the kitchen and avoiding constant interference can be a great help by itself.
Whatever the causes of disputes between
elders, they should never be discussed outside the home. They should be
resolved quickly and forgotten - not thrashed about again and again.
To add your views on
this article or read others comments Click
Here
Back to Previous Page
More on Raising Children Index
Email this Article to a Friend
|
