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Step-Parents
Wicked or not?
A small word like "step" put before
the word "father" or "mother" can reverse all the positive connotations
associated with parents in most people's minds. Most of us have grown up
on a steady diet of fairy tales that have made the 'cruel stepmother' an
icon in her own right. But does that really mean that step-parents are
mean and vicious and couldn't possibly love children that are not of their
own blood? It may surprise you to know that often step-parents are the
victims rather than the villains.
It's no cakewalk
Just put yourselves in their shoes
for a minute. They are the outsiders who have to find a place for themselves
in the charmed circle known as the family. It's not easy. They have to
battle the preconceived notions encouraged by rumour, myth and fairytales.
Besides that, they have to prove that they can make the grade despite the
fact that they don't share the same blood.
Step-parents are expected to fulfil
all the parental obligations and responsibilities without being given the
right to enjoy all the privileges and authority of a parent. They are constantly
reminded by their step-children, their own spouses and the ex-spouses,
both wittingly and unwittingly, that they are not the children's 'real'
parents. It is difficult enough building relationships with people, but
trying to step into the shoes of a parent when the children are at best
indifferent and at worst downright hostile, can be a truly uphill task.
Common pitfalls
Step-parents are often in such a
rush to establish themselves as parents and become part of the family that
they do too much too quickly. So worried are they that they will be relegated
to the backseat when it comes to parenting, that they can be overeager
in their attempts to establish their parental authority. They become like
bulls in a china shop, an approach that can only misfire. They enthusiastically
begin to lay down the law and impose their own disciplinary rules. They
forget that most people, and especially children in such a situation, are
resistant to change. They will stubbornly cling onto the old dos and don'ts
as it gives them a sense of familiarity and security. Step-parents need
to ease into their parenting roles, not blunder in.
Step-parents who think that they
can get away with telling their stepchildren what they can or can't do
on day one itself are bound to find their endeavours summarily rejected.
What usually happens then is that they take this rejection badly and back
off to the other extreme. They decide that there is no point beating their
head against a brick wall and either become excessively compliant to the
children's demands or defer to their spouses on all parenting decisions.
Accepting second
place
It is imperative that stepparents
receive the unstinting support of their spouses. If the spouses are awkward
about allowing them to step into the parenting role, it will be even more
difficult to convince the children that stepparents are for real.
Stepparents should banish the thought
from their minds that they deserve to be 'second-rate parents' merely because
the children are not of their blood. Parenting is much more than the mating
of a sperm and an egg. Modern science has made the latter almost incidental
to parenthood. Being a parent is a lifelong commitment and stepparents
have no hope of succeeding if they don't first learn to tell themselves
that they deserve all the rights and privileges of being a parents and
not just the duties.
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