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Gary Direnfeld is a child-behaviour expert, a social
worker, and the author of Raising Kids Without Raising
Cane. Gary provides insight on issues ranging from
child behaviour management and development; to family
life; to socially responsible business development.
Courts in Ontario, Canada consider Gary an expert on
matters pertaining to child development, custody and
access, family/marital therapy and social work.
Don't just check your child when he's being naughty. Catch him when he's behaving well, and praise him for it.
The day starts with mom yelling at Aryan to stop running in the kitchen. In the afternoon, she yells at him to finish off his lunch. After lunch, she slaps him for jumping on the sofas with his dirty shoes. Now, as Aryan is throwing his toys about his bedroom and taking his car apart, mom is about to lose it with him…
Avoid yelling
Frustrated parents of young children are constantly yelling at them, because they do not know how else to get them to pay attention. Research shows that yelling and spanking often creates new problems. Children who are continually shouted at or spanked tend to be more aggressive in the playground, have less developed problem-solving skills and lower self-esteem. In addition, they are so used to your yelling that they will not pay attention to anything you say, unless you yell at them!
However, when parents use other skills for gaining compliance and co-operation, children tend to be better adjusted, play more co-operatively and respond better to their parents' words.
Here's how it works:
Imagine there are two dogs inside your home - one good and the other bad. Now imagine they are fighting constantly. Which one will win the fight? The one you feed! Why? Because you are strengthening it!
Feed the positive
Children's behaviour works the same way. Feed the negative and you will increase this behaviour. Feed the positive and you will see more positive behaviour. And the food of behaviour is your attention.
Unfortunately, many parents focus on catching children when they are misbehaving. Every time they yell 'Stop it!' they are feeding the wrong dog. This has got to change. The main focus must not be on catching misbehaviour. The focus must be on catching children doing things right.
So now mom tries something different. As Aryan is running she tells him to stop running and to play quietly with his Lego set, in the family room. As Aryan is playing quietly, mom goes over to him and simply mentions how nicely he is playing. Aryan continues to play quietly and several minutes later, mom goes to him and mentions it again. They smile at each other and mom gives Aryan a hug.
The truth of the matter is that Aryan was actually a good listener and had always been a good listener. Every time mom told him to stop doing something, he stopped, and started doing something else. The problem is, mom never really told him what to do.
Provide feedback
We cannot assume that children will automatically know what to do when we tell them what not to do. Tell your child directly what you expect and follow it up with feedback when they do it. Feedback is how you give attention to feed behaviour.
For feedback, all you have to do is mention the very behaviour the child is doing. You are playing quietly... You ate your broccoli... You shared your toy. If you forget to mention it as the behaviour is occurring, mention it later, at bedtime. You put the crayons away this afternoon, all by yourself!
The key is not to withhold feedback, but to provide it for appropriate behaviour. Whenever you see your child doing something you would like to see repeated, provide feedback.
Remember, catch a kid doing good, and tell them! You'll both be glad you did.
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