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Stealing
and Children
Jumping the gun
Parents often find that their children
turn up with things that don't belong to them. A parent's instinctive reaction
is to give the child a good dressing down so as to nip his career as a
petty thief in the bud. To decide that a child is stealing is a moral judgement
that parents tend to be trigger-happy about. The fact is that parents cannot
apply adult standards of discipline, self-control and morality to the actions
of little children.
The age of innocence
Small children aged from one to three
years occasionally do take things that don't belong to them, but their
intention is not to steal. They are too young to comprehend the concept
of possession and that something could belong exclusively to someone. They
still have to develop the concepts of 'yours' and 'mine' so when they see
something they like, they feel it's all right to take it. So if a three-year-old
has walked off with her playmate's doll, there's no need for her parents
to overreact. They merely have to explain to her that the doll belongs
to X and she would like to play with it so it would be best to give the
doll back. They can also remind their child that she has plenty of dolls
of her own to play with.
Young children may also take things
as part of their search for an identity. For instance, a child may take
his father's watch or his elder brother's favourite video game just because
it gives him a sense of belonging. It is not the object in itself that
attracts him. He feels that by having something that belongs to his father
or brother in some way makes him like them. He has not considered the right
and wrong of taking these things. Guilt develops at a later stage.
Older children
and stealing
When children from the age of six
to adolescence steal, they are definitely aware that what they are doing
is not right. By this time, their conscience has developed, as similar
behaviour in the past would have been met with parental censure and disapproval.
Thus, when children in this age group take something that does not belong
to them, they tend to be secretive and furtive. They will usually hide
the object they have stolen and probably deny taking it when confronted.
It is relatively easy to forgive a younger child for taking what does not
belong to him on the grounds that he is unaware of what he is doing. However,
parents confronted with children old enough to know the difference between
right and wrong are dismayed by this 'criminal' behaviour.
Often parents are perplexed because
they find that the object that their child has 'stolen', is something that
he already has. Therefore, the stealing is inexplicable. So where does
the problem really lie? Loneliness could be one explanation. May be the
child feels a lack of closeness in his relationship with his parents or
has difficulty making friends. In that case, by stealing money he could
attempt to buy the affection of his peers or attempt to satisfy his craving
for attention and affection in this roundabout fashion. Stealing can also
have its roots in feelings of fear, resentment, jealousy, etc.
Sometimes an older child may steal
an ashtray when he goes to a restaurant with his friends or swipe something
from his parents. Such behaviour is usually the result of peer pressure
and done in response to a dare. This behaviour may be misguided, but it
rarely stems from maladjustment or represents the beginnings of criminality
in the child. He is just doing it to be accepted by his peers. The way
to deal with this is to reprimand the child firmly and to make sure that
nothing that the parents have said or done in any way condones such behaviour.
For instance, discussions about evading tax or paying household bills on
company expense.
Dealing with stealing
Parents should walk a fine line between
discipline and humiliation. It doesn't help to make a big issue and treat
the child as if he has committed a major offence. This will only serve
to frighten the child and put his back up. If a parent is absolutely sure
that his child has stolen something, he must inform the child that he is
aware that the object does not belong to the child. He should then question
the child as to where he got the object from and then insist that he restore
it to the rightful owner. The parent can help the child out by accompanying
him to the shop or to the person to which the object belongs when the child
goes to apologize, return the object or pay for it if he has taken it from
a shop. It is not necessary to humiliate the child, but at the same time
parents must make it clear that such behaviour is unacceptable and is not
to be repeated.
Parents also need to clarify the
difference between stealing and borrowing. They must explain to their children
that they need to ask the other person before taking any of their belongings.
If the other person refuses to lend his possessions and the child still
takes it, it is not borrowing, but stealing. The fact that the child asks
first makes no difference because the other person did not give his consent.
In this way, parents teach their children to respect other people's possessions,
to have the manners to ask before using or taking others' things and to
delay self-gratification.
If the stealing is a recurrent behaviour,
parents should consider the root cause of the problem. If they feel the
child steals to attract attention or as a result of loneliness or a lack
of affection, they need to rectify the situation. If necessary, parents
can consult a child psychologist or counsellor if the stealing is chronic.
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