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Parenting
in Joint Families
Interview
with Dr. Sushma Mehrotra, Psychologist
Is a joint family
a happy family?
Commercial Hindi cinema has painted
a saccharine sweet picture of families in the mind of the public. The audience
is familiar with images of benevolent parents, brothers and sisters and
their spouses that display cloying affection towards each other and who
are willing to sacrifice their happiness for the sake of the family. Even
if there is a black sheep in the fold, at the end of three hours he has
realized the error of his ways and all is forgiven. But one only has to
read the papers to shatter this illusion. Dowry deaths, property disputes,
domestic violence, sexual and mental abuse - While this would be an extreme
view, as these are family problems, not necessarily joint family problems,
the fact is that the joint family is definitely not all joy and laughter.
It would be unrealistic to expect it to be so.
According to Dr. Sushma Mehrotra,
"Not every family is a happy family. What is most important is the atmosphere
in a joint family. If there is a congenial atmosphere in a joint family,
it can be a virtue. However, if there is tension and conflict between the
members of a joint family and if they are constantly playing games and
trying to score over each other, all the advantages of a joint family are
lost."
Rohit Roy's experience is a case
in point. He says, "Growing up in a joint family was definitely not a pleasant
experience for me. My father's elder brother controlled the finances and
my father had to ask his permission before he could buy anything. My aunt
completely dominated my mother and treated her like a servant. She would
tell my uncle that she was buying toys for my sister and me and then send
the toys to her relatives."
Sharing and caring?
Dr. Mehrotra feels that if there
are several children in the joint family, there is a tendency for parents
to make comparisons. Also, if one child is given something and the other
isn't, it could lead to the development of unhealthy competition and feelings
of envy. Most 'unhealthy' children come from joint families because they
live together out of compulsion and not out of choice.
Dr. Mehrotra has found that in spite
of living in a joint family, children don't know how to share. "It is always
assumed that children from joint families are more likely to share their
things as they interact on a daily basis with so many people. However,
if the family atmosphere is hostile, it can have an adverse affect on children.
Especially in families where there is a lack of transparency, where many
things are left unsaid, and where there is a lack of free expression."
Who's the boss?
Another problem is that there are
too many authority figures in joint families. Sometimes, grandparents undermine
the mother's authority because they feel that they have more experience
in raising children. They pass adverse remarks to the mother in front of
the children like, "You don't know how to handle children" - As a result,
the mother feels suppressed, depressed and frustrated. She, in turn, takes
her frustration out on her children, which affects the overall development
of the child. In Dr. Mehrotra's opinion, "Children become very manipulative.
They become the master players of the game. They learn how to get exactly
what they want by playing the elders off against each other."
What is most important is that there
should be agreement between the authority figures on disciplining the child.
For instance, even if the grandparents do not agree with the mother on
certain issues, they should not discuss these things in front of the children.
Very often, grandparents pull up a mother for reprimanding her child. What
they should do is back her up so that the child is aware that he has done
something wrong. Otherwise, the child will always be in the right according
to someone's standards. They should sort out their differences in the absence
of the child.
Generation gap is another important
factor to be taken into consideration. The needs and expectations of the
younger generation are constantly changing. The fact remains that there
are no standards and rules written in stone as far as parenting is concerned.
Now, in joint families, members of the older generation, tend to lay down
the law in an autocratic fashion. The authority figures need to operate
in a democratic fashion and make an attempt to bridge the generation gap.
They must try to update their knowledge about the lifestyle of the younger
generation and not constantly pass judgement on their activities. They
must realize that times change and the way things were done in their time
may not work any more. Everything cannot be seen in black and white. If
they insist on being rigid, they will just distance themselves from their
children and grandchildren. There will be a breakdown in communication
and the elders will find that they are slowly becoming marginalized in
the family. There should be respect and concern for each other's feelings
rather than a constant battle for supremacy and authority.
There are benefits
A harmonious joint family set-up
can be a boon. It can provide a wonderful support system emotionally and
financially. In the ideal sense, one can share both one's triumphs and
failures. The joint family is ideal for the woman who wants to work as
well as have a family. Working women have someone to leave their children
with when they are away at work, rather than leaving their children in
a creche or with servants. They can be assured that their children are
being looked after by people who care for them almost as much as they do
themselves. After all, as they say, "blood is thicker than water."
Mrs. Usha Mehta highlighted a few
of the benefits of a joint family. She said, "While we had our share of
fights and arguments, I did find that being part of a joint family had
its advantages. There were people with whom you could share family responsibilities
and social duties. My sister-in-law and I take turns cooking, dropping
the children to school and baby-sitting. Despite our differences, there
is a bond that grows from sharing common family experiences. Also, my children
did not have to go out of the home to seek companionship. They always had
their cousins to play with."
Everyone knows how difficult family
relations are in general. Nuclear families sometimes find it hard to maintain
cordial relations. One would probably think that in joint families with
so many people and so many vested interests, maintaining family harmony
must be an uphill task. Dr. Mehrotra feels that as far as problems are
concerned she would definitely not say that there are more problems in
joint families and less in nuclear families. Some people have difficulty
dealing with other people and such people will face problems wherever they
go. For a joint family system to work, the members will have to learn to
adjust, to overcome their petty jealousies, to develop mutual respect between
the generations, and to learn to give each other space.
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