Views on Article - Problems with In-Laws? Pornographic comments, solicitation for sex or promotion of other websites, products or companies strictly prohibited. To report any misuse on this page, please click here. Name: buy seroquel Country: Afghanistan Comment: Thanks for tris interesting information! I found it very useful =) Name: buy lasix Country: Afghanistan Comment: Really interesting blog, keep up the good work! Name: Hopeful Country: Australia Comment: Great and encouraging article.My MIL also pretends to be sweet in front of everybody but always complains of my parents that they dont know as to how to deal with the in laws. Name: dukhi Country: India Comment: my MIL is a devil.I feel like i would get a cerebral hemorrhage or a heart attack coz i'm suffering too much.If MIL comes straight to me and talks maybe i can set things right once & forever but the problem is she would act like a stupid in front of me and behind me tell my daughter who is only 5, your mother did this your mother did that and my daughter would come & tell me or my SIL would tell me mother had told such & such things about me .I hear all this but cannot give my MIL a reply coz it would have been days by the time i come to know of it It irritates me & shoots up my BP.I buy something from the supermarket and get something free with it MIL would say to my molu ur motheris wasting money buying unnecessary things though it was free....I buy coconut milk powder she would say there a lots of coconuts in the tree why she should buy coc powder i do the cleaning she says its with a mop no big deal; i do the washing she says its in a machine no big deal and telling bad things about me to our neighbours & servant its horrible i cannot do that i am not cheap what to doooooo pls help Name: Lavita Country: India Comment: All you women are a bunch of nerds..u say u are educated, financially independent and also are paying the mortgage of the house in some cases..yet u take crap from your husbands and in laws..then where is the education helping and even the money you are earning???Always remember that if you cannot stand up for yourself than no one can stand up for you..and i don't seem to understand as to why you keep silent when your husbands don't support you..first of all you should have known your husbands nature before getting married..if he was a mama's boy then why did you get married in the first place??? and how much time does it take to know a person???you women just got carried away in love and found everything rosy only to be enlightened after marriage..but if you have already made the mistake then speak up gals..tell your as@h$%#e husbands that if he wants a mother then he might as well live only with his mother..u haven't got married to provide free s@#, take crap and after all this even be expected to pay the mortgage..even my MIL & SIL are very wicked..but before marriage i made it clear to my husband that if he only wants a mother then he might as well get married to his mother..i then made him buy a separate house even though it took him 4 years to do that..only then did i get married to him..but at the same time i gave fitting replies to MIL & SIL..then don't dare to mess around with me..i completed my post graduate studies before getting married..landed a plum job and now i and my husband together pay the mortgage and look after our house..we stay away from our in laws and they don't dare to interfere in our business..but all this was possible only because i took a stand..and i am appealing to all you women to take a stand and read this enlightening article..it makes a lot of sense and will definitely help you out of your miseries.. Name: drowning Country: India Comment: Hi, I've been married for 20 yrs. Marrriage was arranged. I was 17 and studying but had to marry cause of my older sister was marrying brother. At wedding party husband created a scene because of his sister. From the time I got married I have always sacrificed and compromised. Husband was never there for me. Husband always created problems for me. Husband never believed me. We were a joint family living together. My husband never compromised or ever tried to help. His 3 sisters and mother were always right. I have 2 children 17yr. and 13yrs. Both children never received love from father. I have been raising them. All this hardship has been difficult on my health. Today I am very sick. Husband still doesn't care. I dont know what to do anymore. I am sick and tired. Husband is abusive to me and kids. mil fil and sils torture me and kids and always threaten me to kick me out if i dont do for sils. Husband always selfish and only for himself. he has never changed but had become more physically and mentally abusive. he doesnt speak to me or kids. he only wants relations with me. my family knows this and they say stay with husband because you dont want inlaws to win. Living like this is killing me. kids are scared and say mom please get healthy we cant live without you. Name: Mary Country: Philippines Comment: This is just to share what I feel, seems "unfairness" on how my MIL&FIL treat my husband and their 2 sons. My husband & I live neighboring my in-laws and I see how they treat their other 2 sons, 2 other DIL, and grandchildren. My FIL&MIL support their needs from getting married to giving birth to christening to birthdays and everyday needs including their pleasures. They go out 4x a week without even asking my hubby and I to join them (unfortunately, of 3 yrs in marriage we still don't have a child) and it hurts me a lot, but when their problems arise my husband is the only one settling those, whatever they are…When we got married, they didn't even offer a help or a gift, but I tried to understand, but after 5 days, they bought a toy dog costing pHp20,000 ($426)..I just shrug my shoulders and smile. I just wonder why they are doing this to me, yet I didn't do anything against them. I told my husband I want to move out because I can no longer stand the situation, but seems he doesn't want to. Our job is home-based, so I see and hear them 24/7. Honestly, because of these stressors, I am starting to suffer shortness of breath, depression and anxieties. It already affects me, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Name: La La Country: United Kingdom Comment: I am so glad i looked at this site. for years ive felt i was going mad and the only one in my situation. although ive been accepted by my in-laws, ive had constant problems for 12 years since we got together. no privacy, interferring, ive had to be a carer and now its too late for me to have children of my own. also, my sister in law never does any cooking and gets away with murder. my partner never used to back me up which made everything worse. ive recently told him that i was seriously going to leave and finally everything is getting sorted out, but seriously i could write a book. without sounding patronising, i feel sorry for some indian women who may come from a poorer country and feel they have no choice but to live a particular lifestyle due to cultural and economic pressure. please dont put up with being treated badly BY ANYONE. Name: meera Country: India Comment: 2face your views are correct.I am a mother in law.eventhough i treat her as a daughter,we allowed her to pay full her salary to her parents, she has problems when my son talks to me.even he has changed a lot.no concerns about parents.i have only one son. Name: agonised DIL Country: India Comment: I read this article.I wanted to share my experiences. My problem is not only with my MIL,FIL. But it is also with my husbands brother and his wife (my co sister). We live in joint family and my co-sister plays a lot of drama to make me appear bad infront of my DIL,FIL. She insults my husband and above all she behaves she is very good and does everything for my good. My MIL also harrassed her earlier but once I came she joined hands with her and abuses me. She is working and I am a home maker. That adds to the insult.My parents were insulted. I was teased infront of my husband. I tried to commit suicide. I dont know the way to escape. My parents knowing all this want me to live with them. Name: from England Country: United Kingdom Comment: I have been married 2 years and my inlaws have really treated me very badly. My MIL in particular has said the meanest things, she makes up things about me and complains to anyone else who will listen - including my family (even the people she knows I do not speak to), her friends and neighbours. My husband has started being a little more supportive now but he has stil never totally backed me infront of them. For example, when they (MIL and FIL) come to my house and taunt me and say bad things about my parents, I expect my husband to ask them to leave if they speak badly of me. MIL has even given me ultimatums to leave "her husband and her house" - Its my house I pay the mortgage - not even her son can afford the mortgage but I pay it. She is full of bull sh**. even though my inlaws treat me badly they expect me to put up with everything and treat them really well as if they are great to me. But that is my power - I will never treat them properly. I will see them but apart from a few polite sentences, I do not speak to them. I will not let them be close to my children etc. They will miss out on so much. I have never done anything bad to them to have justified them treating me badly. Name: Dia Country: India Comment: Dear All, It seems I have a relatively small issue but still it is an issue.My self and my husband are ahigh earning lot wheeras my FIL and BIL have very less earning.When we got married,my inlaws did not utter a word about dowry..but after a month..my MIL starts hinting politely about a car coz she knows very well that we two can afford it,also she brings out the issue in front of other relatives thus embarassing me.i am 29 yrs old..and she amked it an issue about pregnancy..forcing me to conceive.Myself and my hubby are looking forward to going abroad and plan a kid only after 3 years.Thsese polite taunts have become a routine.To add to this they are planning a marriage of the BIL...and definitely that co-sister will be a sure shot problem.People please advise me..how can I keep my self calm..without submitting to her wishes and also not quarelling with her.The FIL expects me to do all the work after I return from office ..but when any of my friends turn p he coyly says...I am sure you can manage on your iown..dont get your MIL involved. Name: dukhi Country: India Comment: I am fed up with my MIL. My FIL was a nice person and used to control my MIL to some extent.Now that he's no more hell has broken loose.No matter whatever I do for my MIL its just complaints & complaints.Our servant was on leave for about two weeks and though I am a working lady I used to manage the washing cleaniong and anything and everything of the household works.One day I was bedridden due to fever and could not wash the clothes and the next day what I hear is my MIL saying bad things about me to the servent.I was shocked and annoyed.I hav heard her saying similar things about me to my neighbour as well.My husband is supportive but fears it will hurt his mother she being a widow if he says something against her.What I want to know is whether I should respond if I hear my MIL complaining about me to our servant, pls reply.I have kept quite & suffered all these 8 years but now I am fed up I want a solution I cannot take it any longer please help Name: Rani Country: India Comment: Hi all,i was reading the articles and laughing because of the fact that this problem is not only with me,its with so many womans in India.I got married recently.Mine is a love come arranged marriage.I got a very loving husband,he never fights with me ,he dont know to scold me ,he just know to love me .we never used to fight.But in every peaceful life their will be one person who will be the Virus. In my life the biggest problem is my mother in law.Oh!she is a devil.She is a big pain in my life.My husbangd is the only son and she is very possessive about him.My father in law is a good person but i dont know why he always support her.I think he is afraid of her.Even she looks like a devil.I hate her. She will create unnecessary problems and put the blame on me.She is always back of me to find the mistake .Her cooking is wrose and he will not allow me to cook.I am facing lot of problems with the food prepared by her.No taste at all, but when i cook the food i used to get appreciation from my husband which she doesnt like.Some times i think of a life in a separate home, but my husband is not supporting me regarding this.I cant balme him as he is the only son and his duty is to look his parents.The truth is i have to be with them for life long and face all these.No other way, what to do? My husband and my father in law get angry to me because of her.She complanits about me to both of them and they come and fight with me.But i decided one thing i will not take tension by thinking all these things and even i will not waste my precious time thinkinh about this and i will take care of my self and become a sucessful women. I want to give a message to all my dear friends who are facing these sort of problems " Dear friends never think negative,be strong and bold.To become a successful women we have to go through all these situations,don't worry.Just believe in God,if you are right then God will definitely support you.Never take any wrong decision because we are the only losers" Thanks I will pray for all of you. Name: Rups Country: India Comment: This is for women, who are financially independent: (specially sufferer) If you really think you are going through a major problem, you have an option to just stay separate for some days. If your husband wants to accompany you, well and good. If not, by staying separate for some days, let him realize that you are not dependent on him. And you will not suffer because of your in-laws. Let him stay with them for some days. May be he’ll realize your importance in his life and home. If you are working and have kids, that is also not a problem. These days you can get very good day cares/maids for your kids. If you are earning, you can afford doing all these things for some days. If you are afraid of telling your parents entire story in one go… tell them slowly slowly what you are going through. If you yourself are strong enough to tackle all these things, your parents will not have a shock, but they’ll support you. You will waste your life about thinking, what my parents will say, what my kids will say, will they suffer?, How my husband will react? Forget about all these things for some time, these are implications. Currently the fact is, entire situation is running your life and you are not happy. You can’t make a happy family if you yourself are not happy. In case you leave your home for some days, everyone else will be sad /angry a bit. But you will gain your freedom partially/fully. And it is definitely better than committing suicide!!! If you are free, you will be happy. If you are happy your husband and kids will love you more than they do currently. For housewives: You are doing the most difficult task of managing a home. But still, PLEASE try to be financially independent if you want your freedom. If not, get help from someone to make sure your family understand your importance! Best of luck gals…. Wellwisher, -Rups Name: Legacy Country: India Comment: Hi all, Its a very good article. To hear from women who live in similar situations gives some peace of mind that i am not alone. Until marriage i was a person who are confident and responsible. I completed my professional degree with flying colors and got a job in a MNC and is still working. I was married to a person who is staying in my job place and I considered fortunate so that i can come job from a homely environment. I was attached to my parents as i am their only daughter and is very committed to them. But here everything was against my principles and views. What ever i beleived good in me was bad here. For instance they say that working women never love their children and husband and is always greedy to money. Every day they create problems and also says everybody(neighbours, relatives etc) that i am a irresponsible girl who does not care for the family. I do all the house hold work there, wash clothes, clean home etc etc. but they would never accept me. The most frustrating thing is that my husband as result of these problms does not have any kind of physical relations with me. I am fed up with this life. Yes i can go to my own home nd they will understand and support me but my parents are in their 60's and if they know that their daughter's marital life is a failure they would be shocked and cannot withstand that. I don't want that. I don't know how to escape from this. Please pray for me and console me so that i can get some peace of mind. Name: pavitra Country: India Comment: With the DIL-MIL relationship being poor, how do you all not bear any resentment towards your husbands, who do not do much to help in the situation? Id like all your thoughts about if and how all this has/hasn't eroded the basic trust and foundation of your marriages. Name: Make a Stand Country: U.S.A. Comment: I live in the US and has been married for 3 years now I have inlaws that live in their old home still while we live in ours since my husband moves from job to job. Recently with the economic times being bad my inlaws decided to sell the house they are currently living in. My husband came to me, as and says this and tells me that when they sell they will be with us. I looked at him and told him if they move in, I MOVE OUT. Before we got married he himself couldnt get along with them. I tell him how selfish of you to put them in this house for me to deal with them and not him. LADIES it is possible to get even and keep your Husband happy. #1 Have intercourse with your husband everytime your inlaws are there, just remember to yell like a banshee so they can hear. (that will make them think twice to move in) #2 clean house and cook when they are dead asleep. remember it is YOUR INCOME YOUR HOUSE. #3 YOU HAVE THE CHOICE TO SAY NO When your inlaws ask you to do something, you have the choice to say no and be deaf #4 Take pride in being the woman that you are, there are indian women in this world that are treated with respect and opinion. #5 Never have children unless you intend on raising them on your own and not partly with your inlaws #6 Dont give your inlaws the opportunity to speak to you in a way that they own you, because they dont. #7 Always tell your husband everything that bothers you that is honest, and always tell him that it hurts you to tell him that they treat you the way they do #8 IF YOU HAVE A SON, REMEMBER WHEN HE GETS MARRIED NOT TO BECOME THE TWITS THAT YOUR INLAWS ARE. YOUR CHILDREN ARE YOUR CRUTCH RIGHT NOW BUT NOT FOREVER LEARN TO FIGHT NOW OR LIVE THE LIFE YOU HAVE MADE Name: jyoti Country: India Comment: my mother in law and her daughter making my life hell my husband know every thing but he not at all supportive. i want to kill my self this is the only option left.but i have two small kids Name: dilpreey Country: India Comment: my mother in law and her daughter making my life hell my husband know every thing but he not at all supportive. i want to kill my self this is the only option left. Name: one question Country: U.S.A. Comment: to end this all misery i want to know best method to kill myself. i m considering buying a gun. Any other ideas? Name: promise Country: Australia Comment: WOW!! I thought i was the only one that goes through this. One thig that i have learnt out of my past experience is that we should never change ourselves to make someone else happy. if we stick to this one rule i promise that happiness will find its way through the door. Name: Sufferrer Country: India Comment: I am the same person who has already written two comments in this page. It has now more than 8 yrs of our marraige and the situation is getting worse. I hate my In-laws for the dirty tricks they r playing against me for making my life hell. I don't know what they r getting by doing this. Are they not disturbing their son and their grandsons. I am feeling very helpless and diturbed. What should I do to bring mental peace. B'coz of being a working woman with so long office hrs and two small kids it is not easy for us to shift outside. I know that I can't change my In laws and their nature. And at the same time it is quite impossible for me to ignore them and remain cool. What really hurts me the most that my own husband with whom I did luv cum arrange marriage does not undestands me and takes their parent's side and put all blame on me. I don't care for anyone now but only my kids who are sufferring b'coz of all these. I know that the luv & care which a mother can give to her children , nobody else in the world can give and I don't want them to be deprived of it. As my father expired when I was very young, I can understand what a parent means for a kid. It seems that it is sheer jealousy which my ILs are feeling b'coz of which they r creating problems in our life. As their daughters are not so well educated and r housewife, they r themselves continously comparing their lifestyle with mine and taunting me. What should I do? I am very tense. I am a very simple person and don't know how to cleverly deal all this. I just want to live in peace. Pls. help!!!! Name: needhelp Country: India Comment: Is good to know tat i m not the only one but its not not gonna end so i need advice my problem is my SIL.i have a lovin husband who have never live on its own,only son with really nice parents and a married sister who visite so very often every month the last time she was with us for three months n she is coming back again for a week after a month.she comes every weekend with her two kids which i think is a good thing for my old in laws but i m workin n marrried for a year live in a three bedroom house of our in law since he is the only son no space for us and i dont wanna leave like this. she does not care about our space n comfort as long as she can have what she wants. I love my husband very much but he does nt understand i have been ask to deal with it..what should i do its spoilin my marreid life.. Name: Tired of this BS Country: Pakistan Comment: I am Pakistani and now married for 7 years. We have a 5 year old and another on the way. My inlaws lived me till about a month ago. They tortured me so much over time, they complaint about my parents, about my ways, about my cooking style. My SIL would come everyday and leave her daughter at our house all the time, and I got tired of all this and finally told my husband, when I have this baby and your parents are still here I am not coming back home. Now he finally understands and has moved them out. He visits them everyday which I don't care but they still depend on us for all financial needs, which also I don't care because there is no price for freedom :o) Name: Get your life back Country: U.S.A. Comment: My husband and I are of two different religions. My husband is a punjabi comes from a very very orthodox family (dark ages - where the bahu is supposed to be demure and the bahus parents are supposed to bend over backwards to meet their every need), which I found out only after getting married. My in-laws felt that my husband let them down and would use the emotional blackmail to him feel miserable about it. They used it to mistreat me and my family (the hum ladke wale hain arrogant attitude). I have been raised to be very independent and took all the crap from my in laws and my husband too because i was afraid of losing him. It strained our relationship and i took the mental abuse for 10 years, till I found out my husband cheated, that helped me find my voice. My in-laws had an opinion on what religion our children should be. I had a miscarriage, I would like to ask them what religion was my child ? To all the indian daughter in laws who are going through whatever you are going through - you have to break free from the life you are living. We have one life to live and the anxiety and depression (suicidal thoughts) that each of you are going through is not worth it. Find a way to be independent. Find your support system and get out of it. I think our indian culture is a culture in decay, there are a lot of beautiful values, but when capable women are treated like so many stories above that is the decay. Sons are pampered and considered and investment with huge expectations. The emotional blackmail is the worst part of it all. I have found my voice, I am still with my husband, he is changing. Finally has realized that his family never cared for me. Most importantly - if your husband disrespects you in front of his family, why should they respect you. Name: courage Country: U.S.A. Comment: stand up girls! if you are not already married...and see problems with the ILs already...don't marry the guy...99% of the time, only gets worse...don't think you won't find anyone better...better to be single and happy than married with children and miserable. If you are married...and your children are seeing you going through all of this heartache...it affects them also. if your hubby won't stand up... stand up for yourself and dare I say...leave the backboneless baby and his mommy and daddy... let them suit themselves. Name: Lina Country: India Comment: Ho co-sailors, I am again into the loop. My MIL is a devil. Donno how God has created her in the form of humankind. God might be feeeling ashamed to put her on this earth. She is so talented that she will make my husband belive any lie. There were instances when it got proved that she lied. Still he doen't stop believing her. you might feel surpraised to know that I am living under feet inspite of me and my husband earning quite a good amount of money. We both are software professionals. I don't have any rights to spend at least for my son too. But when my SIL comes to our home they creat all luxury for her in my home. They don't let her put her feet down. I feel so depressed when they count even 100 Rs if I spend for my son. I pity sometimes on my son to have such a father. I am not able to put down what all I faced but feeling like to give away this life. But if I do so I cannot imagine what will my son face, he is 4 yrs old. Name: putting up with it all Country: Canada Comment: I am not Indian but my husband is. I have made many changes to accomodate his traditional lifestyle. Cooking, poojas, dress, etc. I have been married for 4 years now. I have a son and soon to have a girl. My husband and I were having a great relationship during the first years of our marriage, but after our visit to his parents in India his attitudes towards me have changed greatly. He has become inconsiderate, very critical and verbally abusive. Many of these things arised when I refused to keep my son in India for his parents to raise until they came to Canada. My husband constantly sends money to them but when I lend my parents money (here in Canada) it becomes a huge issue for my inlaws. I am so frustrated because my parents do not interfere with the way my husband and I live, but his parents constantly call and insist he tells them everything that goes on with us. We have tried to sponsor them many times and they have delayed the process for many months. Now they have decided to come and tons of demands have come along with them. I do not know how long I will be able to stand them once they are here. Our house is small and I have done my best to accommodate for them. Already my MIL is complaining that I will not have things the way she wants once she arrives. To add, 3 days before their arrive, they tell us that my BIL will also be joining them. I love my husband greatly, but with everyone else here I think it will just cause problems. Name: simran Country: India Comment: Unlike many of u here my story is very different.. am married for 7 months now and my MIL has already started abusing me.. i am not supposed to go out with my husband.. i am not supposed to visit my parents whereas her daughter (my SIL) visits her EVERYDAY, and when i put this point in front of her one day, she started shouting at me and even complained to my husband about me along with many other silly complaints.. i am just sick and tired with her.. the best part is my husband knows her attitude and doesnt give an ear to her and doesnt even tolerate her.. what i have to say is why the hell should i tolerate her?? what if i want to move out from that place.. i am scared to even discuss this with my husband coz i dont know how he will react.. i am tired of the constant monitoring of my MIL and the extreme interference of hers in our life.. nothing is left personal between me and my husband.. no privacy at all.. please anyone suggest if i am wrong if i am thinking of moving out and living a peacful life.. Name: seriouslysweet1 Country: U.S.A. Comment: YOUR HUSBAND MUST BE A MAN AND TAKE CONTROL OF THE SITUATION BY TALKING TO HIS MOTHER AND TELLING HER THAT HE LOVES HER & HE LOVES YOU TOO AND SHE'S PUTTING HIM A BAD SITUATION BY NOT GETTING ALONG WITH YOU AND HE WISHES THAT SHE FIND A WAY TO BECOME FRIENDS WITH YOU AND ACCEPT AND RESPECT THE FACT THAT YOUR HIS WIFE. AND AS SOON AS HE'S ABLE TO HE'LL BE MOVING OUT; BUT UNTIL THEN PLEASE GET ALONG. Name: Lina Country: India Comment: My younger SIL is not having kids. She got married for 13 yrs. That is the big problem. When I got pregnant, My MIL became so jealous and since then she tortured me like any thing, In our caste doing Sreemantham (baby shower) on Amavasya is believed to be bad. But my MIL insisted my parents to perform my Sreemantham (9 months pregnant) on that day. My MIL always complains that my parents have not given any value to them and performed sreemantham NOT on amavasya. But if my SIL buys even a small gold ring or chain, they watch the calander and suggest good day to use it. My elder SIL has got some restrictions in their in-laws house. So my MIL blends the problems of both of my SIL's and will try to create all together in her DILs lives. Initially they restricted me talking to my parents also. but het daughter calls her evry week and talks almost for an hour. My MIL says 'after marriage you ppl (DLDs) shud forget parents'. but it is quite opposite in her daughter's case. she always wants her elder daughter to come out of her in-laws house. I believe in God. He helped in in my tough times. I am still alive just because of God in the form of my Son who makes me to feel good about life. Name: suganthi Country: U.S.A. Comment: I have good in-laws. But the thing is they all are very lavish in spending money. They use their own money for all their enjoyments and when come to the necesities , they depend on my husband. Since I am not working and my husband is the one, we have hardship with finace matters. We live paycheck to paycheck. So its frustating with my in-laws.How to handle this Name: Priya Country: India Comment: Hi, yeah everyone has problems with in-laws. Luckily I have a good mother-in-law. We live with her. My MIL is both modern and traditional. She lets us do what we want, even if she has to suffer in the process. Of course, she does complain that "after marriage", my husband eats out a lot and has put on weight. She gossips a lot and is hyper-active. But, like my husband syas, that is the way people pass time in old age. I used to get very irritated with her, at the start of my marriage, but I have come to realise that she is no different from my own mother. It is just that we are more patient with our own mothers. In most of the cases, in-laws problems come due to insecurity. They feel they are losing their sons to the DILs. But nothing can be done about that. It is DIFFICULT to CHANGE A PERSONS CHARACTER, OLD AGE OR NOT.It requires cooperation from both sides. THE BEST IS TO LEARN TO IGNORE THEIR ATTITUDES and get away with a smile. KEEP DISTANCE. I still think my mother-in-law is good. Name: Husbands Country: India Comment: Problem lies between mine parents and my in laws. My wife was living with my parents as she had delivered a baby boy 5 month before and being first child I preffer my son to get good care and enough suppourt to my wife, so i found it better to leave my wife with parents and living alone at mumbai in my job. My Parents are at Gujrat. Now my in laws were not happy as My wife was not living with me and few days before in a fit they just broke out to my house and created sceen there that my parents are troubling my wife so they have all the rights to take there duaghter back with them. We all are stuned, Me and my parents always put there best to feel her comfortable. I my self keep visitng to home on weekends, talk on phone and planning to bring here with me in next month. Now in my relations and community In laws are blaming us that My Mom is not willing to send my wife with me. In laws never manitained the dignity of relationship and mine and my Wife married life is on toss. She also doesnt understand ..I cant beleive it . May we are wrong some where but noone had pointed it out before nor any suggestion or complian. I had no idea where I am or my mom is wrong. My FIL is not ready to send her back nor allow me speak my wife. I am still ready to anything for her cause I love her. Yes but not at sake mine and my parents esteem. How can I help it.. Name: Viki Country: India Comment: Handling inlaws is difficult but easier than many things we do in our life. Its just not the wives problem. Husbands should also play an equal part in resolving an issue in the family without running away from problems, which many of us do. I thought the following points which I am cutting and pasting from some website, would be useful to some: 1. RESPECT Even if you don't think your in-laws deserve it, show respect for them anyway. 2. LOYALTY It is natural that your spouse may feel some loyalty for his/her family. It's OK as long as you don't come in second. 3. CRITICISM Even if you have the in-laws from hell, don't criticize them. If you spouse criticizes them, just listen. Making comments other than asking clarifying questions can create problems. 4. ROOTS Take time to discover both your genetic and cultural roots and share them with your spouse. 5. FEELINGS Identify and share your feelings about your family of origin with your partner. 6. HEALING If you are having difficulties with your own family issues, it is important that you be open to healing any past injuries so you can move forward in your life with your spouse. 7. BOUNDARIES Define and set boundaries with your in-laws concerning your feelings, thoughts and expectations about holidays, vacations, visits, time with grandchildren, financial issues, and privacy. 8. SAYING NO Know when you have had enough. Have a password if necessary so that your spouse understands when it is time to end the visit with your in-laws. 9. CARE GIVING As your in-laws and parents age, it is important that you discuss practical concerns with them such as their health and financial issues. Find out their expectations about their care in case they cannot provide for themselves in their later years. 10. PRIORITY Remember to put your marriage first. Name: Suffferer Country: India Comment: This is again the same person 'sufferer' who wrote few months back in the same page. I am really very frustated with my in laws. My MIL is a great dramatist. She is programmed so well that whenever any guest comes especially my SILs she is superactive and otherwise she is always very sick. One problem or the other. She is so cunning that not only with her gestures but her talks project herself in physically problem. She also makes sure that directly or indirectly her words fall in my ears. And FIL is even more smarter and cunning. He is having the policy that if you do somebody's work then do it infront of the person. Matlab aihsaan jata ke kaam karo. He also indirectly and sometimes directly taunt me. And whatever is missing is being filled by my three SILs. As both MIL & FIL r very dominating and I have two small kids and long office hours and also they r not putting any maid , they have to do much household chores. My life is becoming like hell. My husband who is too caring at all other aspects also does not admit any of their faults and does not say anything to them. Sometimes I feel that if I had no kids I would have left them all. At office also I have a very bullying Boss. B'coz of this I feel that I don't have peace anywhere. B'coz of the ILs there is always fight between my husband and myself which has adverse affect on my small kids. In my house I always feel like a bird in a cage. FIL,MIl and SILs are so united that I can't say anything against any of them. My ILs also shows that they have given me much independence but I don't what kind of independence is this when I can't do a single thing without their permission. Also as my FIL is a retired person and is also well versed in kitchen works. MIL reports every single thing about kitchen to him and then he gives his advise. Sometimes I feel that I have two MILs. There are long list of problems which I want to share with someone who can also give me some way out. Pls. can somebody advise what can I do in this situation. Pls. also read my previous posting Name: Rohit Country: India Comment: Never generalize. In real world, there are all kinds of people in any role/relation. My parents take care of my wife's wishes & requirements. She is given more freedom than was given to my sister or even me. My parents did all the wedding arrangments of hotel, dinner, etc for 3 days of ceremonies (because girl' s father made an excuse & refused to do the arrangements in his city). My parents didn' t take any dowry. They feel that a nice bahu is everything. My wife is allowed to pursue her hobbies & meet her friends/cousins & have her sisters stay with us. Still girl' s parents are always cribbing against husband's family. Name: Freedom Country: India Comment: Dear All, You can continue to live in these kind of dead rrelationships if you want to OR ELSE liberate yourself (and your children if you have any) from such depressing situations. It is beeter to die just once (i.e. when your natural death comes) than to die a little bit every single day! I chose to free my self from all these kinds of situation mentioned above! Dont Forget - You are Durga- The Strenght - Power which god has endowed on you! Use it to claim a better and a more peaceful deserving life for yourself! These articles bring to life that you do not value yourself, wake up & smell the coffee as they say it. Either have the strenght to standup for yourself & fightback these devils, or walk out of it with your head held high and your self esteem and honour to match it! Name: Anne K Country: Uganda Comment: Marriages have always failed because of uncalled for advices to their son or brother. Name: lp Country: U.S.A. Comment: its a good article.. am feeling that am he only person suffring all this with my in-laws.. by reading this i felt that this is common to all.. but sad thing is my husband is getting far from me bcoz of this.. we are from india.. my husband work in USA.. we taught to not have kids for few years to njoy life.. but once we went india and my in-laws tortured and came to US with us as we said we are newly married.. after coming here both MIL and FIL are behaving cruedly..they make so many comments on me.. i did get them to a stage.. but they are really becoming me down.. so i taught to told to my husband...at the moment i told him my life became too worse....i want to prepare all food to them.. but i should not eat... usually i used to sit with my husband and eat he said eat after my parents eat.. i changed and started eating after they three members eat.. so many time there will be no food to eat.. once i got doubt and saw dustbin all food is in dustbin.. i showed to my husband.. but he did not doubt his mother...he said it may be yesteday food...don't lie.. at that moment i cried.. at last only solution is crying for me.. no one to help as am far away from all my family members.. they will be here for 2 more months.. Name: fatima Country: Philippines Comment: im glad i found this article.very helpful and inspiring. at least now i know i am not the only one suffering from this turmoil. hope of more to come. Name: Tired of it all Country: U.S.A. Comment: I have been married for 19 years and I hate my in-laws. My husband's mother is the devil. She makes comments to him that he has no friends and other mean things. When I miscarried I first child she told him not to worry they already had a grand child. When I told her the procedure that had to be done she claimed she had the same thing in the doctors office. I lost another child, same thing. I had cancer, she didn't believe it. Now she has demanded to see things in writing before she believes it. To top it all off, she has told her 2 other children that I do drugs and have a drinking problem, so they won't let their children be around us and they also treat me badly. My husband won't stand up to her and I have had all I can take. We are going thru fertility treatments and I will NOT let this woman be involved in my childs life. I am considering leaving my husband and leaving to where he will never find me, but the fact that his family would be so excited keeps me here. I have never done anything to these people, only been nice, helped when asked and all they have done is treat me bad adn make up stories that are so outrageous it is sick. I've even thought of bringing her to court and showing that she is a liar and giving the money to charity just to set the record straight. I no longer accept phone calls from her and we have started recorded our conversations when we are forced to her house and have them stored for future reference! We have checked into moving across the country so we don't have to deal with her! Any suggestions? Name: Misc Country: Canada Comment: I read through these articles and feel what lots of you are going through. There are lots of comments about how to treat your mother in law with respect and all that. What do you when you have tried all the avenues and she still is being mean. I am lucky that some times my husband will see that I am not at fault, he will try telling his mother, but she will insist on him that I have brain washed him and he is always taking my side. They have come to live with us from india, and almost every week, I have to here how they are only here because of their son. Then she will threaten me that she is leaving for India because of me. Any word that comes out of mouth with respect and concern she will take it the wrong way. Just the other day I asked "please wait a minute" she sat in the middle of the living and started complaining how I was rude to her. I can't stand stuff like this and got very uspet with her and there was a juge arguement, my two young sons were crying by the end of it. Everyone gives you the advise treat them as your own parents, but something it doesn't work. DO you think if I told my mother "Please wait a minute" she would have had a fit and create such a problem in the house. She has assuced me of putting stuff in her food, trying to kill her. She cooks her own meals she will not eat anything that I have cooked. If you she is making tea and I walk into the kitchen she will spill it and make it all over again. This just didn't start now, it started way back 8 years ago when we got married. 3 weeks after marriage she had an arguement in the house how my husband cares for already and doesn't care for her. She went and complained to neighbors about this. I have tried to reason with her and see why she is doing this, I have tried to argue with her and at the end I have also tried to keep quite. BUT NOTHING SEEMS TO WORK! Last night, I even had the thought to leave my husband and two sons, becuase of her. Name: Damama Country: U.S.A. Comment: I am married for 2 and half years and staying in US since then, few days back my in laws have come to stay with us for couple of months for the 1st time, this is their first visit to USA. From the day they came to USA they have been behaving as typical "desis" I tried to tell them in all the different ways, that there are few rules to stay here, but they never listen to what i tell and keep the house as dirty as possible, I literally die to keep the home clean but there is no help from their side, they have the most annoying habbits like making noise while eating, going through the garbage on the road etc etc, if i tell them not to do such stuff they get angry on me moreover my husband tells me that u have a very rude tone, I am like left alone me vs my husband, his mom and his dad. its imposible to stay with them when i tell my husband that i cannot stay with them, he tells me that i am going to stay with them its your choice to come with me or not. infact he says you want to rule over them, is telling them the right way to live is ruling???? oh i am so fed up have to bear them for another 2 months Name: Ruchi Country: U.S.A. Comment: Hi all.Whether we live in India or in the USA i think mother in laws and sister inlaws will never be any different.I had an arranged marriage to a guy who i had never even seen 10 days prior to my wedding for 6 years.My parents inlwas stay in inida but my married sister in law(husband's younger sister)is living in USA.Sometimes i really curse the guy who invented telephones and internets.My SIL used to call at least 20 times a day in the initial period and at all odd times like latye night etc and just talk rubbish.Also she has this compulsive NEED TO KNOW everything we do.And the worst of all she says she is very open and modern to discuss even her gyenacological tests and problems with my husband.When i protested and told her to not interfere in my life and my need for privacy she went and complained to my MIL and now the entire family behaves as is I am to be blamed .Now my SIL has a child and she does not work and spends most of her time on the phone or in the GYM.She has a full time maid to look after her child.It really frustrates me a lot.OH! By the way My husband used to never understand but in recent times he has become supportive in matters like he does not compel me to talk to my inlaws and allows me to be private.But inspite of all that my SIL still interferes in our lives in ways i cannot explain.She would neglect her husband and daughter but HAS to meddle in my life .Is there any respite from all this. Sometimes people say they are very modern when they can dress in the most vulgar fashion and talk with such fake accent that even the person next to them cannot inderstand even a word of it.But dont you all feel modernism should be in the minds of people,In heir attitudes and not in outward appearance.If people start respecting people for who they are and what they are and never meddle in others' lives and not talk ill about anybody,then they can be said as truly Modern people.Hope you all agree and help me deal with this monster of SIL. Name: Nidhi Country: India Comment: Before marriage I always dreamt that MIL will never create any problem for me. My Hubby is very supportive of me. but he always insists me not to argue with MIL whether she talks loudly or in a abusive language. Iam a working lady and earns very well. My MIL always wanted that I put my salary cheque on her hand. My SIL is a housewife and she expects financial support for my hubby. She had already two brothers but they separated from them. she never demanded anything from them but expects me to gift their brothers kids expensive kids. I need your advise on this issue. Name: xyz Country: India Comment: My problem is almost entirely different. My husband's family is very loving and caring. Though we are staying seperate since almost very begining, my SIL is staying with us for earlier study- now work. She is caring, but is extremely outgoing and a spendthrift and spoilt by the loving parents. My MIL encourages this attitude in her and pampers her. Despite staying seperate, we've never had the privacy a couple wants. I cannot go out shopping with her as she expects me to bear her expenses. She herself can shop like mad and then likes to show it all off in front of me. In my own house I feel that I am not myself when with her. I am tired of being so nice in front of her and playing the 'elder' all the time. I cannot tell her any of this. Though apparently nothing is wrong, Its not positive vibes in the house. How can I help the situation?? Name: Human Country: India Comment: I just do not understand how a MIL's can expect, so much from some one who they have just come to know about. I sounds like I'am the BOSS here. They are expecting a pay back for what they have done for their children. It could also mean that they are insecured and demand attention by making a mountain out of small issues, may they just need some one who can tell them that they are wanted. Then again the moment you give them an inch they want the whole of you. I guess the parents are the one who are loosing on their Patience. I believe that this shows a clear sense of insecurity and overprotection for own child, but not realsing that that is not what his child wants or her daughter in-law doesnot have any problems with taking care of them. It is the mental harrasment that is frustrating. Expecting too much maturity from some one who has just come to know you and who is younger than you. Please understand she too is someone's child. Name: CagedBird Country: India Comment: Hi, I am a working woman in good post married for 2 years. I have a love marriage. I come from an educated family which practices simple living and high thinking . I have had an upbringing in a cosmo atmosphere and I am convent educated. Ours is a joint family. Problem is my MIL who is too interfering and constantly rebukes me for something or the other. She wants everything to be done perfectly well. It does not matter to her that i work, so I might be tired and would like to take rest. I prepare my lunch in the morning, then after coming back also I am in the kitchen. Plus, there are other things at home that need to be done such as clearing up things, doing the beds and all , so I am free from all this only aropund 12:30-1. After which we sleep arpoun d 1:30 - 2 and then I get up at aropund 6:30. She compares me with my SIL (BIL's wife) who is non-working saying that she is more effcient, you cant work like her. You are stupid, dont know work, dont have a mind of your own. This is almost the daily story. There is no private life as such, I mean my husband and I never go out anywhere on weekends, the whole family moves togethere. Whereas, before marriage he ised to be the one after me to accompany me somewhere, and he used to plead before me not to work on weekends or late nights in office. Now he has changed. He is totally a mama's boy. He does not find anything wrong whenever she insults me. He instead asks me what is wrong in scolding. He gets so indifferent most of the times. At home, the atmosphere is so traditional. I cant address him by name, cant say anything in slight anger also to him , I need to be very formal to him and basically bow down (literally) since he is my husband. MIL says he has a bigger position than me since he is my hubby. The way she scolds me for everything and tells me good for nothing in front of SIL has made my personality extremely down. I have lost all confidence and at times I have suicidal thoughts. Every weekend I spend in tears because she gets angry with me at the slightest thing and then behaves so rudely. I have argued a lot with hubby but he says that I am at fault. Please advise what the solution to this is. Name: Reju Country: India Comment: Hi, This article exhibits a typical indan women though women are well educated nowadys still they r scale - at home ive seen may of ny friends havng similar problems and i too faced situations like this...friend this may not be a situation for which u hve to leave your loving husband...act smart.. try and show more love on your hubby now dont show ur hatred towards your in laws to him ....he may get negative opinions on u ...try to go out with him rite from office dont plan and go from home..speak and recollect those days when u were in love and how u came out with him leaving your parents....u may not get a immdiate solution..but u will definitely find a change in your hubby after some days make him understand ur problem ....take time for oing this r ur inlwas married if not put efforts and get them married immediately Name: sufferer Country: India Comment: I am having the same type of problem with my in-laws. Ours is a luv cum arrange marriage . My family didn't want to marry me in that community and also he is only at assistant cadre while ours is a well educated family with Engineers & Doctors. Though around 7 years have passed for our marriage and we have 2 sons . But the situation became worse when I had my second son 7 months before. My in laws are very cunning & diplomat people. They act nicely before my hubby. Also I have 3 SILs whose interference is too much . They are given the VVIP treatment. As I am working and they are all housewife they always show that they work very hard at home and I don't do so much work as most of the time I am at office. MIL & FIL both are very dominating. They do indirect comments and taunt as if there daughters are having so tough life and I am having an easy life. They always appreciate them and point out even a small fault in my work. They don't allow us to put maid. MIL before her daughter always say there is no need to put any maid , I will do all stuff . And when no body is there she play her dirty tricks and avoid doing a single work. And leave all to me. So I am busy all time whether it is office days and weekends. My hubby also does not want to say anything to his parents. They are also spoiling my elder son. Everytime he use to blackmail us that he will complain to dada .B'coz of these MIL,FIL & SIls there are fights within us. My life is being disturbed. I am a well educated person but at home I can not even do a single thing without ILs permission. My hubby wants that I should not keep any relation with my mayaka . I am brought up in a very simple family where people never played tricks and with no restrictions. Here I feel like prison. Every morning my MIL wants to project herself in a very pitable situation physically but is superactive when her daughters comes. Whenever I say I am having some problem , she had a more severe problem . Actually they are more concern that their DIL should not get any rest. I don't know what to do in this situation . Can anybody help ? It hurt me the most when my hubby for whom I fought with the whole world does not understands me and feels helpless. He is ready to leave me for his parents. I am a very simple person and just want to live in peace. Name: enough is enough Country: Australia Comment: I got along well with my sister-in-law until I had the first baby boy in the family. She came to visit me in hospital along with her two girls and then I never heard from her unless she needed me to do some typing for her. She never acknowledged my son and even made my MIL feel bad for doting over him. When my MIL doted over her first daughter I could see that it was more than what my daughter received but I understood that her girl was the first grandchild and that she had a special spot for her. It's a pity the understanding didn't come when I had the first boy. She didn't invite me to Christmases and she would avoid seeing me if we were both over MIL's house. It got to the point where I asked her to stop using me and that I really didn't feel like I had any relationship with her and would prefer that she not call me any more to do her work for her. She was ropable and accused me of splitting up the family. I reminded her that she had made no attempt for over two years to maintain any family ties with me unless she needed something from me. I feel a lot of guilt at having finally made this move but I couldn't stand her jealousy and arrogance any further. Has any one else had a similar situation? Name: Susan Country: U.S.A. Comment: This article helped me to understand that so many people deal with negative issues regarding in-laws. It is a sad situation. My advice to anyone who is planning on getting married into a family of future in-laws that treat you with disrespect is to walk away and don't get married. This is something that I wish I had done myself. My sister in laws treated me with disrespect before I got married 4 years ago and I still married into the family. Now I am stuck forever and I am miserable. If I could do it over again I would have never married into my husband's family. It is a prison sentence. Name: Conflicting viwes Country: Malaysia Comment: I came here after getting married 6 years ago and I noe have a 4 year old son . My husband and I beilivev in bringing our son up in a non- viloent way but our inlaws whom we stay with often hit and cane him . This is espicially true of my father in law and I know my 4 tearold is not lying as there are marks of the stick on him . I told my husband that we should talk to our inlaws but he says rhat as exxperienced parents they knoe bwtter than us on the issue of discipline and we can;t argue with them . Thouygh I agree and he is right , the irony is that he too is against rhe whole hitting business . What do we do ? Name: KAMESH Country: india Comment: Well i am an odd man out checking this article. I was checking some articles for my baby daughter and i found this. I think the problem is with the husband, he should know how to control his mother and wife. He cannot allow his mother's childish pranks to followed neither he should let his wife roam lazily in home with helping anyone in the family. I guess indian culture is like this only, fathers never educate their sons about this problem and it always remains a vicious circle. MIL was DIL who once suffered, DIL becomes a MIL who later tortures her DIL to show her power. Name: Understanding Country: U.S.A. Comment: I understand where so many of you come from. I have been married for 6 years and we have 2 beautiful daughters. I married the baby son out of 3 boys so you can imagine what I have faced when up against a MIL that still babies her last born. My husband has gotten better about seeing both sides, but when worse comes to worse, he only sees his mom's view. He doesn't see that she does anything wrong. She is very controlling, a meddler, judgemental, manipulative and coniving. However, she can be very nice. Sometimes I don't think she knows that she is doing wrong. I've confronted her before and all it did was stir things up and she pouted at me for 4 months. Fortunately, after that dispute, she changed towards me. I think some MIL need to be confronted and made aware of what they are doing. It may be hard at first, but in the long run, she won't run over you again. Mine didn't know who she was really up against. I was raised very independent and not afraid to speak my mind. I hold it for a while, but enough is enough when people are getting hurt. I'm not saying I like confrontation, but when it involves me, my husband, my children, I will do it all in a nice, thoughtful, considerate way. Just a little piece of information that is very important and good advice...prayer always works. I have prayed for her and have a strong faith in Jesus Christ and have tried my best to consider where she comes from. I realize she is set in her ways, but through God, she can do better. All I realized I can do is pray for her and our situation. Things are much much better now. Hope you all read this and take into consideration. God Bless!! Name: Kristi Country: U.S.A. Comment: I have been married for less than a month, and I am having extreme problems with my in-laws. While planning my wedding, I had to endure a very controlling and rude sister in law, that tried to control my whole wedding. When I finally told her enough is enough she cussed at me, so I kicked her out of the wedding. Well, after that the whole family did not attend my wedding due to our issues. Then, my mother and father in law showed up drunk at the wedding, and my father in law was drinking thru a flask during the wedding. They refused to take pictures with me after the wedding, and would not speak one word to me. Well, after all that they have been giving my husband the guilt trip about me, and basically making him choose between me or them. Well, I decided to sit down with my MIL and that just made things worse. She screamed and pointed her finger at me telling me it was all my fault, and that she is blood, and I am a write off on paper. They are so hateful, and I don't know what to do, because they are causing tension between me and my husband. I bought a book that would help me guide us thru this, but it did not help. Name: mad and confused Country: usa Comment: WOw there are others like myself out there. My husband and I have been married/together for 14 years We have 2 kids together and custody of his daughter from a before relationship, My husbands Mom and Sister told me not to think for one minute that they would stop being best friends with his daughter"s mother and grandmother because they all grew up together as a happy family "I guess" The problem is that this women gave my husband their child without a fight and runs around like a trashy white girl, and we haven't see or heard from my step daughters mother in over 5 years, the sad part about it she only lives 7 miles down the road away from us. So my point is I'm the bad person taking care of a ADHD child thats not even mine and loving her like my own. Am I wrong for wanting them to consider this little girls feelings first before they worry about how long they been friends with my husbands ex? Name: Helpless Country: india Comment: My in laws are also a trouble maker. They behave nicely to me in front of their son & treat me like crap when he is not around. They never liked me from the day one of our marriage. My MIL,FIL and hubby's brother do not contribute to family finances. My BIL has a mental problem. He is a schizophrenic. Once he had beat me for no reason. I was so scared at that time. I kept quite because I was aware of his illness. Now he is under doctor's treatment since from last 3 mnts. He has improved a lot. But the height of sickness is yet to come. My in laws are planning for his marriage. They have already found a girl from a very poor family who also doesn't have a father. My husband said that my in laws are not going to tell my BIL's illness to the girl's family. He even told if I opened my mouth he will never ever talk to me. I am so sorry for that girl. I wish this marriage will never happen. My husband thinks my in laws are perfect and are always right but I despite being educated and civilized and don't harm anybody am the worst women on earth - Why? He says his parents have gone thru hardships in bringing him up.... whose parents haven't? Name: Tess Country: usa Comment: I am so happy that I found this website. For 14 years I have been dealing with some very evil people, my inlaws. My partner's sister never liked me from day one. His mother and I got along for a while until I told her that her son was using drugs and that I hated him for it. She didn't care about me. She just took his side. My partner had some alcohol and drug problems when we met and I didn't tolerate it so my inlaws thought I was being cruel to him. It didn't matter what he did. They thought somehow I should put up with it. I didn't. I showed him tough love and he finally cleaned up his act and stoppped using drugs. But before my partner gave up the drugs, he probably said mean things about me to them which only made them hate me more. This weekend my partner took my 12-year old daughter to Mexico with his family. I am not invited on these trips. This weekend I was so depressed. I kept trying to not think about it, but I couldn't. I hate my inlaws because they can't get over things. Then about 2 weeks ago my partner ( i refer to him this way because we never got married, which is not what i wanted) my partner's brother wanted to come and stay at our house for a night. And at the last moment I said no because I thought to hell with him. He's not staying here if year after year he excludes me from the Mexico trip. Then his sister who is a nightmare has tried to drive me crazy by sending holiday cards, etc. with only their my daughter and her brother's names on it. Then the other members of the family started doing the same things. I wish their was a house I could stay at with other women who feel the same way so we could give each other support. If anyone can respond to give me some further feedback, I would be grateful. In the meantime, I will continue to read this website to get strength. God bless. This weekend I thought a lot about how I should move out. But I'm so torn because my 12-year old daughter would be so hurt. But shouldn't she see her mother happy? I want to be a good role model for her so I don't know which way to turn. Also, I'm unemployed because I left a job I really loved out of stupidity 6 months ago and haven't found one since that I like. It's so good to be able to write how I feel and to find other people in similar situations. I cannot let them ruin my life, but they are trying. I've told my partner that it's not right that he go on vacations without me with his family, but he doesn't care. Anyway, I'm so happy I found this website. I will read it whenever I am feeling down. Name: Ren Country: usa Comment: I read most of the comments and my situation is almost the same. My in-laws, especially, MIL is so cunning.. She wants to control our family life and her son's money. From the day we got married, the MIL and her SIL joined forces to cause problems in our family life. They were very nice to me till the day b4 the wedding. Then soon after the wedding they started to show their true colors. They started bickering about my family. And said that I was slow, dark(like as if they were fair :-D), and they always compared me to their daughter, and the weirdest part was when they compared to me to their SIL. My in laws live in India, and as I was born in US, my hubby and myself came back to US, and unfortunately my hubby didn't get a job (inspite the fact that he worked as a consultant b4 the marriage). So he thought to do his MS b4 looking for a job. So my MIL and her SIL made a a whole lot of commotion thru phone calls, and talked harsh to me. There were times when I hung up on her and made her more furious. My parents got very upset with my MIL's dealing bcoz she used to call them also and she just wants to fight. I told my nubby of what happened when I lived with them, the harsh things his mother told me,, he never gave ear,, he always supported his parents, and used to tell me that they were the best people that ever lived. There were many nights that we fought, that my husband used to threaten me that he would leave me and even talked of divorce. I tried to hold on to the marriage becoz of my parents, and thought of the sarcasm thay'll have to go thru once I divorce or if my hubby walks out on me. Well, I kept praying for strength, and after some years (after 3 years of marriage) I felt a new strength in me that I knew that I was ready to face anything. I knew that if I fear my hubby leaving me or my parents shame then I won't reach any where. Since then I started to take bold steps one by one, first thing was to prove to my hubby that wasn't afraid of his threats (which I guess were fake, which was used just to scare me). [I was actually taking chances, sincerely I didn't want a divorce.] I told him "if you want to divorce, fine let's divorce," and I opened the door acting as if I was going to leave (at the time I was 3 months pregnant). Then my hubby came to stop me leave calming me and telling me to quitely listen to watever my MIL said and that after all she was in India. But still I tried and I couldn't tolerate her calls that one day she told me that since I am a woman I have to take the blame of my husband bcoz he's a man. That made me furious bcoz she literally considered me a door mat. At this time I was 5 months pregnant that I don't whether it was my hormones acting up, that I got angry and lashed back at her. I told her the whole history abt how she treated me, and how I felt. Suddenly she threated me by saying that she tell all this to my parents. Hello!!!! I'm a grown woman, I know wat I'm doing, so I told her never to involve my parents in this, they've had enough of her (MIL's) attitude. Since then she's never talked to me much, and my in laws never talk to my parents. But I do regret the fact that because of me a relationship was broken. But hey I'm glad that it's only a distant relation that's broken, and not between me and my hubby. Now I have more peace, and I'm calm that I can bring up my child happily without any stress. So what I can say is that it takes a lot of courage, and also we have good understanding with our husbands. Now I'll be going to India after 5 years (my hubby visited in the middle) since our marriage, so I have to stay with them, my MIL told me not to stay with her never again, but I don't care whateber she says I'm going to go there and do my duty in showing my son, who they haven't seen, also they don't seem really interested. I don't care even a bit. One thing I know I can take care of myself, and I have to watch that I don't go over the limit. And soon after they'l l be coming to US for one month,, which I'm dreading already becoz I have to see them throughout the whole month. I think I have it all in control. To tell you the truth I'm not scared of my in laws any more, after all, they are mere human beings like me.. I also used to wish that my in laws die but how long could I wait, so finally I had to take things in my own hands. I know what I did was wrong, and I asked forgiveness from God, and I know it doesn't stop there. Hopefully some day I'll mend all the bonds I broke. I know that I cannot expect my life to be 100% perfect, so I know I have to keep trying. I think I used to be overly caring and helping to my in laws, which they took advantage of. So now I have to keep my distance, and help them only when they really need help. It took me 5 years to get my life together, as I was also depressed and stress driven. The key to a successful marriage is prayer. God can change anyones heart in a moment, and we have to also do our part, which is to communicate our problems with our husbands, it may be sour, since it's our need try to make the situation calm. Be confident, and your communication should be 100%, don't miss out on points. Like in my situation, if husbands don't help then I can only see the inevitable, which is to talk to in laws about their action and the result of it.. If you live with in laws then you should try to get you husband to be favourable to you (mainly thru communication), and make him understand the strain in both of your relationship, and both of you have to work it together calmly and confidently. This effort may take a long time, but it's worth it. BE CONFIDENT sisters :-) it will all work out for good. Name: FED UP Country: australia Comment: Hi All.I have read all your view and its in a awy good to know that there are many ppl just like me.Who feel like me and have the same problems.Both my ILS are nice ppl,but they are book very diplomatic and so its hard for me to know whether they really care for me or they are just pretending.I have read some nasty things they have sent to my SIL and have also heard them talk about me.My husband wants to do everything with them and we have no space or freedom.We have been married for 3 years and have not had more than a few days alone.This really upsets me as i need to be with my husband and spend some quality time with him.I have mentioned it to him and he said that he does not want to do that.He has been quite firm and said that if we ever go out it will always be with them.My ILS are very different when my husband is with me and when i am alone with them they act quite strange sometimes.My MIL says nasty things to me and also talks horrid things about my parents.All i have done is to genuienly care about them just as i do for my husband and they always say that I am like their daughter but they never make me feel like that.They always compare everything that their daughter does to what i do. I have told me hubby that we should move out and he said that if i want to move out i will have to move out alone!!!! I am really fed up with this and have tried in every way to make my in-laws love me and understand that i care for them.Do you guys have any advise as I am all alone here without friends and family and i feel very alone!!!! Name: wellwisher Country: india Comment: This is a never ending topic on which u can go ever and ever.The thing that all needs to understand is that in any relationship to make it work is required "understanding about the otheer person".MIL'S & FIL's need to give SPACE and let the sons and DIL live as a family unit within the family. DIL need to treat her in-laws as her own parents and try to give them benifit of doubt where needed. In most of the cases in laws behave irrationally because of their in security of loosing their son.Sons behave in the manner they do (by leistning to their parents only and not his wife )cos he is under so much social pressure by the society etc for being a perfect son who looks after his parents when they are old. Name: Niyati Country: usa Comment: I think this is almost universal problem in indian culture. especially more common in specific casts. I have the same problems. My inlaws not allow me to go out and shopping and other stuffs with my independence. They also unhappy if my husband buy something for me. Today also they go out and do all shopping and everything though they don't know much english. for other they bring me with them because of language problem. Still i am fine with them. But i am very unhappy with their behaviour. they speaks very good word and good in behaviour with outside people and in presence of my husaband and lying with me with most of the issues especially my mother-in-law. That makes me frustated. I loose my independancy, my life and get in depression. I talked to my husband manytimes he says my parents are first we argued that why not told me this before marriage? but now its no value.Everytime we argue he said, he will give me divorce. I am just confused that because of his parents we are unhappy in life. what i need to do.The only concern in this house is money. Sometimes my husband thinks about me.We have same thoughts, cares about me, but when time to do something for me he always listen his parents. Here is my concern I am thinking of oppertunities and reconsidering marriage. Is my husband is right choice for me? If he has no value for me, my thoughts, my life, my family, my happiness. do i have to stay with him for rest of my life and struggle whole life for my rights and happiness. Option people are giving is everything will be fine after death of your inlaws how long they will live 10-15 yrs but do i have to wait and suffer. In usa they might live more... I must say here that i will not suffer with this family and people like sita in ramayan for her whole life. I need to take few steps in way that they not ruined life of any other indian girl. because people believe that only indian girls will suffer so go to india and marry. Y? Name: KAS Country: aahrain Comment: i admit. i'm amazed at how these inlaws can affect the relationship between the cpl.i'v heard of things guys compain abt their inlaws too. but i guess its the guy-nature not 2 get too close 2 inlaws.they atleast manage 2 smile as long as the inlwas r arnd.n not every guy enjoys the company of his inlaws either. but everything kinda turns funny when its the girl complaining of her inlaws. the nagging, the spiting, comparing her with the other DILS, talking ill of her family......everything on a daily basis is sure 2 wreck her relationship with her husband.OK!!!..husbands r supportive. but how many would accept the fact that his parents r the troublemakers n choose to talk it over & settle the matter??? i say....none.he'd stay quiet & watch things happen without having to take anyone's side.i'v been married 4 the past 2 yrs. there were times my MIL was very good 2 me, n was overly supportive wen i had my baby n the care she took of me. but once i got back home....things changed.now my relationsip is sad with my inlaws.i'v discussed these issues with my husband n he understands the situation pretty well.it sure passifies me but everyday is like a trial in itself; pretty difficult 2 get 2 the end of it n without having 2 cry myself 2 sleep. i'm not sure if i can take it 4ever. i'm still very grateful 2 my MIL inspite of everything & may b someday wen she'll need some1 i'll happily cater 2 her. but right now the situation is pretty bad n i wont want our little boy 2 grow up watching us argue abt these issues day in & day out. it sure affects the atmosphere at home & i'm sure ours will b a happier family if v could talk it over & work out a practical solution (as moving out is really NOT a solution).watever is the solution, every individual involved should b willing to work it out,voice out issues tat could hav hurt their feelings at some pt of time/take a stand to start afresh like its my 1st day as part of their family. Remember the ego factor could still ruin things no matter wat!!! so girls....think it over b4 u pack ur bags n go house-hunting 4 u & get ready 2 start afresh & make compromises & try 2 fix the situation instead of walking out like u could do without ur inaws. Name: KAS Country: aahrain Comment: i admit. i'm amazed at how these inlaws can affect the relationship between the cpl.i'v heard of things guys compain abt their inlaws too. but i guess its the guy-nature not 2 get too close 2 inlaws.they atleast manage 2 smile as long as the inlwas r arnd.n not every guy enjoys the company of his inlaws either. but everything kinda turns 2 one side when its the girl complaining of her inlaws. the nagging, the spiting, talking ill of her family......everything on a daily basis is sure 2 wreck her relationship with her husband.OK!!!..husbands r supportive. but how many would accept the fact that his parents r the troublemakers n choose to talk it over 2 settle the matter??? i say....none.he'd stay quiet & watch things happen without having to take anyone's side.i'v been married 4 the past 2 yrs now n my relationsip is a wreck with my inlaws.i'v discussed these issues with my husband n he understands the situation pretty well.but i'm not sure if he'll want 2 stand by me & our son or chuck us out.even if he did chuck us out, i'l know 4 sure tat he still loves us very much....only he is under absolute control Name: not fair Country: australia Comment: I've been reading everones input and it still amazes me - how can a couple of people (i.e the inlaws) cause so much stress/agony/depression for us girls. its not fair - they are the ones with the problems and we are the ones who suffer and are always in the position that we feel like we cant say anything to hurt their feelings otherwise we will be the "baddies" again. i'm considering counseling after what my in-laws have put me through. not only did it cause a strain on me and my husbands relationship but it has left me with no confidence/self-hate, afraid to trust others and so on. my in-laws have gone to great measures trying to break me and my partner up, firstly it started with dozens of phones calls trying to convince my husband that i was cheating on him, that i wasn't good enough and so on - then i realised they were spying on me, going through my phone behind my back getting any male numbers in my phone and then calling them up and asking if i was with them or if they had seen me. isn't this insane? i mean seriously they have got to get a life. who goes around spying on other people and trying to break up other people because they don't approve. its sick. its sick that they feel they have this power over us. they don't!!! now i worried every minute of the day that one day they will come up with something and my husband will leave me. no one should have to live like this. i mean we don't go around trying to break up the inlaws relationship do we??? so now i refuse to have anything to do with them, i wont see them or talk to them, and who cares what anyone thinks. Name: Ms. Suferring Too! Country: usa Comment: Been married for 5 years.Was raised to be a very loving but independent girl. Lived on my own for several years before marriage, making a successful career. My in-laws live with us. His sister used to live with us too until she got amrried a few months ago. My husband knew how I felt about "joint family" arrangements....but insisted that things would work out when everyone involved were very loving and genuine. I was wrong! Here I am five years and two kids later. Having another one of those depressive attacks wher I am reaching out to my husband in tears and extreme grief to help me get out of this situation. The in-laws and husband have been one unit all along while I on the other hand have been an outsider. Things started out this way and are still the same. My advice is....please try and stay apart from in-laws. Why would sons want their parents and wife to stay together and hate each other, rather than stay apart so that they can respect and love each other for who they are? Some Indian men are very selfish.....its sad and pathetic....my husband or FIL do not have the courage to talk to my MIL to tell her anything because she has this incredible ability to feign some illness right away or even better...to bring on an attack of seizures (as as when it pleases her!). Not sure how my situation is going to change..or if it ever will. All I ever wanted and dreamed of was to have a loving home with my husband and children........ Name: caughtatiger'stail Country: india Comment: I have a monster of a MIL too.She is extreeeemely possesive about him. Worse is, my Hubby worships her and talks behind me to please her.Both of them call me ugly looking and not worthy to be seen out with,in public.SHe Threatens me emotionally right in front of my hubby. She takes every opportunity to make sure that my hubby doesn't get any kind of positive opinion about me. Its been three yrs and we have kid. I haven't spoken properly to my hubby cus he thinks his mom is always right,not even once did he ever over look his mother's words. When my parents questioned them. they did nothing but complain about my behaviour. calling me good-for nothing, lazy etc.Ive always wanted to help my MIL with all the work at home,but she snaps and talks rude and calls me unlucky to do any work.This gives my husband the appearance that am doing nothing, making my MIL do all the work.Am very very confused . THe minute i learnt about their true colours ive been in a state of shock. TIll now ive done nothing but cry all the time. i feel weak and helpless.My husband sleeps next to me for three days in a week and the rest he sleeps hugging his mom like a baby. i want to live with them for the sake of my child.I need the courage to talk to my hubby. I may not be an angel-of a DIL but atleast am a Human with feelings. Anyone who can advice me or give me courage to change my hubby???HELP Name: nikita Country: india Comment: I am responding to the mother/sister in law woes. You are right, in the Indian context the boundaries are almost never set even in our relationship with our own parents and siblings. This results in lack of respect for individual privacy and space. It is assumed that its ok for the mother/sister in law to interfere in the affairs of their son/brother. But its not ok for anyone to keep quite about it. I had a very similar problem with my in-laws. I have been married now for 3 years. I have a post-graduate degree and have also lived in a family environment. But when I got married I wanted an independant life or thought atleast that I will have one. I was hoping for a cordial and pleasant relationship with my in-laws. But that never happened. They were intrusive, pushy, controlling and domineering had not respect for my space and behaved as though I never even existed. They stay 5 min from our house and used to take the liberty of acting as though I have not right to my home or husband and really no reason to be around. My hubby told me that they were not supportive of his decision to get married and wanted him t wait for another couple of years the idea being that he could be an available resource for them and their daughter who lives in the U.S but depend on parents for everyday exixtence including money and advice on anything and everything. My hubby was also very similar in the first few months of our marriage and dint stand up or speak out about the intereference. It was contstantly my mom and my sis did this and that. what will they think or feel, we should go to thei house everyday and listen to their nonsensical talk, meaningless comparisons and sheerly waste my time. He was a complete mamma's boy who would not let me ever be independant and do anything I wanted. But cherished his independance and right to do anything he wanted. He was supported by his family 100% in his bad behaviour and also started emotionally abusing me every now and then by comparing with his sister/mother. I finally decided that enough was enough. I spoke to my hubby calmly though very firmly that some hard decisions have to be taken by him as to how we want this marriage (if we do) and that if things did not change about a lot of things I would reconsider the marriage. This came as a thunder bolt to him. Many a times ppl live in sense of false security. You need to cut that and make them realise that you have options too. Thats brings them to reality and see your point of view better. We have now set some very clear boundaries and no not his parents/sister or anyone is allowed to cross that. So be brave and talk to your hubby. I hope things get better for you. Anon Name: Nef Country: usa Comment: Hi all DILs, I guess i am having similar problems with everyone else here. But u see i have never had any problems with parents. In fact my x's family and i used to get along so well not just immediate family but extended as well. They showered me with all the attention and love and GIFTS inc his sisters! It was so awesome! I was living with them even and didnt want to move out but unfortunately i didnt get along with the son. Right now i am currently married to my husband whom i love dearly and who loves me as he has shown much support and affection and does listen to me alot. Ironicly, i dont get along with my in-laws as i feel they want total control of my life. Initially i treated them with lots of love like my previous family but then i came to realise (thank god not too late) their true colours and have been taking small steps by making a stand for myself. i used to feel guilty as i didnt want to hurt anyone but i also realised if i didnt take control of my life then i will not ever have it and neither will i have control of my kids! My husband and i have moved to another location away from them and we are planning another move in June further away. So i am thankful for such a husband. I have taken most of your advise to keep distance, be polite, diplomatic and cordial and most of all FIRM! I have stood up for myself and i have very little to say to them. Now they just go to my husband but most times he compromises to make both happy. Which i guess is what i can ask for. I knw i have not gone into specifics but my mil actually told my husband to say no to me cos she does not like us going out and she is so sensitive to the extent that we cant even go out for dinner bcos she gets upset and thinks that her cooking is not good enuff. But since moving i have been feeling more comfortable and it has given my husband and i time to get to knw each other and our privacy too! anyways i thought i would like to share some advise i received from a counsellor (yes i was so stressed and depressed and down i needed help)...well i would like to share this to benefit everyone who is in the same situation or about to get married... "Basically I feel that your intuition that your husband does better away from his family is right on the button. That is the main reason that selling up and forging a life in away where you can still maintain a long-distance relationship with his family, but be away from their influence, is probably the best choice for your future, marriage and family. Selling the house, aside from giving you the finances required to start elsewhere, cuts the ties and frees you both to do what you want to do without obligations. I feel, as you do, that once you are living life for yourselves the sky's the limit for the future you can create. Taking control of your own life should not create bad karma. If your actions are guided by love and truth, with no harmful intent towards another person, then you are just following your path. Allowing your life to be dominated by others does not create good karma, neither does being forced by obligation or guilt into actions and decisions that don't feel right for you and your family. Once you have made firm decisions regarding your move and start standing your ground as a united couple, I feel that synchronicity will start taking place and things will start falling into place - including a career for you." Oh yes in case u are wondering why i m not working as my work visa/authorisation is not approved yet hence the delay! well ladies i hope this helps in some small way as it has helped me. I would like to wish you all the best of luck and that we should all unite together and form a bond to support each other cos we can stick together. Helps make us stronger! all the best for 2006, this is a great site btw and great article too, thank u! Nef! Name: seema Country: india Comment: I think sorrow is not foreverr nor is happiness. These relationships are and historically have been frictional. The take home lesson are: * Have clear communication with and care about your husband and try to earn his love. Help him, work as a team to solve the problems. Consider his problems as yours.. If he's not understanding, then give him sometime alone (like visit your parents, goto work, another city for sometime etc.) help him think, understand, atleast acknowledge. That covers your base. * Don't be extra nice, forthcoming, volunteering with the ILs if they don't care. Watch observe, reciprocate, or just don't say anything, talk formally, however the mutual dynamics goes. Don't speak ill of them infront of your hubby. Come on give him some space, its not his fault who happen to be his parents. * Never disregard or disrepect elders. That's important. Instead don't talk, don't initiate, just stay away (I know it applies when you stay separately and if husband undertsands). * Life is beautiful. Look at the roses, discount the thorns and live your life constructively. Go to work. Carry on and learn new skills, new courses, new sports, just yourself occupied with constructive things, anything's that's satisfying and building confidence. Name: nvy Country: india Comment: Good article, My MIL is a devil. She pretends in front of e'one that she is good , She has 2 daughters who are replica of her.Devils , & my FIL , does e'thing from folding her saree to pressing her feet!!! she thought she can rule over me. I was very humble in the beginning , Now I have become the reverse, I have showed them how i can change. But the saddest part is my Husband does not realise the tension they are creating in our life. pray God that they die soon . That's all i can do. What do u say? Name: Lynn Country: canada Comment: I am very close to my son and I did like my son's wife before they got married. She then changed and does things to make me mad. This year they said they were coming for Christmas, and now 4 days before she makes him call me to tell me that they are going to her parents house because it could be her grandmother's last christmas. ( My son's grandmother has breast cancer and has been continually going down hill??!!) My son and I got into an argument on the phone and now I feel like I never want to see her again. Please help me. Name: riya Country: india Comment: i had a bitter experience tooThe lesson i learnt & want to share is in the very beginning keep a distance ,observe how the family functions,do not start showing love & affection(dont be impolite) as soon as you step in.coz not every family is very loving Name: rupali Country: india Comment: good article Please have more on this Name: losing it Country: usa Comment: i have the most annoying inlaws ever. they run around whining because my husband and i don't get involved with them. you see, they always have liked his ex wife whom has a child with him. now all the sudden since we have had a baby they all think it's ok to all go hang out with her and talk with her. they never did this before. now its to the point where if we were to have a custody battle with the ex his family would take her side. i just don't agree with them and we don't do half the things this woman is doing to her daughter. she is becoming totally manipulative and a liar. all because of her mom being a psycho and my husbands family helping to contribute to this abuse. she is only 12 but everyone treats her as if she is 16. it's totally pathetic and when we say that if they would stop hanging out with his ex wife they wouldn't have her and daughter lying and manipulating them. they think we are the cause of the problem and all we have tried to do is instill some values for my step daughter. she never gets punished or told no or she did anything wrong.its always everyone elses fault. it is a sad world we live in and i think it is totally wrong for people (inlaws) to involve themselves with their childrens ex's why would you do that anyway? is there no loyalty left? it is just really hard to trust people who are willing to go behind your back and do things that you have asked them to stay out of. i will never forgive these people for betraying my husband and yet he can't cut them out. it makes me feel like i am the problem when i have only spent the last 6 years trying to get along with backstabbing assholes for him. it makes me want to leave him, but then i know that is what his family is trying to do to us. any suggestions? Name: wondering Country: usa Comment: While reading all it helps out a little.My problem is my in laws.My husbands parents are dirving me up a wall.His father thinks that he does no wrong and when he says jump you better.The sad thing is that my husband and his brother they jump.My sister-in-law and I think their childhood has something to do with this.My mother in law will put a guilt trip on the boys like they owe her something.And don't even try to tell her she are my father in law are in the wrong because this is when she will turn on the tears and boy does she.I guess I'm tired of his parents acting as if we owe them.I'v told my husband more than once that he needs to stop breast feeding on her.This is how he makes me feel because he tip toes around her.Now he has at times told his father how he feels but I can do that by talking to a wall.How do we tell them that this is our life together with our five children and let us be a family.I wish they would just step back and get a hobby.I'm not saying we will not see them are talk to them.It's just that I want my family to be able to be just that. Name: Ajax Country: canada Comment: To MIA: All I can say is keep your distance physically and emotionally and if you can, try to let them know that next time they should come for a shorter stay. It's taken me 3 years but I have finally managed to tell my in laws that 1 month is the maximum I can have them over. You will get a lot of pressure believe me.. relatives will tell them .. you are paying so much money... you should stay at least 3 months........ but be strong as your sanity depends on it!! Name: angel_scent Country: philippines Comment: Well,on my part,if I will get married I will make sure that the family of my future husband or common called in laws will be close to me because they will be my family soon and being there daughter in law I will be good to them and do my best to be a good wife to their son. Lets accept the fact that marriage is a lifetime commitment. God bless us all. Name: Jen Country: usa Comment: My boyfriend's mom of about a year now still doesn't want to meet me because she thinks I was the reason for her sons divorce. She's best friends with his ex and takes every opportunity to schedule events so they can still be one big happy family. Now she is doing things with her ex-daughter-in-law and her new boyfriend and still won't even let me in her driveway. There's a little girl who's 5 that loves being with me, but wonders why I can't meet grandma. My boyfriend won't let himself love me 100% because without his mom's acceptance he's having a really hard time. What do I do at this point? Name: missproblems Country: india Comment: hi there When I was reading through this article I understood that I am unique as my problems are very unique MY hus is in H1 Visa and is making good amount of money as a consultant, but it is always his money. I never got a chance to spend a single penny, except that he gave me food and clothing. I am just wondering whether you r also like that? do u have freedom to spend u'r hus's money? Anyway I got a job and till then all the house expenses are 50-50 or me paying 75%. and all the house work(he needs Indian food everyday) belongs to me. That is one side, the other side is his inlaws.they are being very cruel. But shows 'my dear' approach infront of my hus. So he thinks they are very good, and I am very bad as I used to shout where his mother always talks 'sweet'. Not knowing what lies underneath it Then comes the third problem. he never cooperates with my relatives, saying they are all bad. I don't know what has gone wrong. Is anyone else experience the same problems as me? Regards Name: miranda Country: usa Comment: my in -laws are about to come from india to usa to live with us for 6 months. i am not indian. any advice on how to behave to make things work??? Name: its time to let go Country: USA Comment: AMEE, I think you may need to realize that regardless of this person's parents you are not healthy in this relationship. If you are already needing to seek psychological help before getting married then the options after that are few. The person you are dating must really be ignorant not to understand the effect if you told him you are seeking professional help. As for getting better in laws you are probably in luck. I thought asking someone if they wanted water was pure etiquette. obviously they were not looking forward to meet youy and starting on that foot is hard to change. At best, you can just wish for a simple hi or hello when you meet. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN! Name: amee Country: USA Comment: All these articles have really helped me. However, I am in a little different situation. I am not married yet, but told my parents and the boy's parents that we want to get engaged. Engagement is two months away. His parents knew we were dating since day one. They never took interest in getting to know me and when i finally did meet them they didn't even talk to me let alone offer me a glass of water in their own house. And you guessed it, the boy didi not defend me. Instead when things like this happen he brings them to me and says it partly my fault. I have never uttered a bad word to his parents because I respect elders whoever they may be. So my question is are in laws all bad and should I just accept it? Its not too late to call the thing of. The boy thinks that i just have issues. Mainly he thinks that because I had to seek a psychologist for his parents effect on me that I am not credible. The truth is I feel so weak and powerless when i bring an issue to him and he says "why am I even involved". I get confused because after all they are his parents and with marriage comes responsibilites. Its funny because when my parents have problems with him--which are so trivial--i just discuss it with my parents without telling him and fix it. he has never done that for me. So is this relationship worth it? Name: ray Country: India Comment: Hi, Trust me u are not alone in this world. Wish we all could form a union. Anyway, u all might be amused to hear my part. I and my husband live here alone in US. Our families are half way on the other side of the globe. Still the power and influence they can cast is what amuses me. My in-laws and their daughter(my sis-in-law) who is married and still stays with them are slowly starting to be my biggest source of confidence drain. It statred with my sis -in -law feeling left out from her brother's life. As i came in, he started telling me things which he used to share with her. Once my sis-in-law( she is the youngest) is upset, the whole world goes topsyfor my in-laws family. So resentment started towards me. Now married for 3 yrs, i had a miscarriage, and guess what, my father-in-law, when we called up on our usual weekly calls told his son (knowing that we were on speaker phone, and boht of us can hear) that my miscarriage was something i did for myself(like an abortion) and it was not a miscarrriage. I was shocked, cause it has just been 5 months after the incident, and i had not fully come out of the depression myself. And there sits my husband hearing all this and not saying a word. When i talked about it to him, he blamed me instead saying, i am being judgemental and not understanding since his parents were uneducated people. This is the topping of the cake, i had many incidents where i feel vindicted, and while i try to discuss it with my husband he turns towards me and blames. What irks me here is that when his sister had problems with her in-laws and she told him the issues, he was mad at her in-laws and so furiuos that had he seen them in front , he might have slapped thme right there. So do u all get me, men can be real "bithces" when they want to and be non-confrontal, cool, let-go types when it suits them.I am now 3 months pregnant and this nuisance from thousands of miles away has taken my peace away. I know i have to be calm and not stress out during my pregnancy. ut cant help. I am home maker, which makes me all the more feeling dependent, enslaved and what not. i want to think out some way to deal with my pain-( i don t want to deal wiht my husband or his family) and move on. thanks for reading Name: priya Country: India Comment: This DIL &MIL saga is universal what we can do now is to make our sons independent both emotionally &physically so that he can yhink as an rational thinker 7 TAKE HIS OWN DECISIONS .He don't have to depend on his mom or wife to think for him.Then he can standup for his wife or mother whoever is sufferring Name: naomi Country: Other Comment: am married for 6weeks but am already sick and tired of my in-laws.my father in-law will just traved from his home town just to come and see if we are quarrying.the next day his mother will come just to spend the nighnt, the next week his step sister will come and ask to spend 2weeks and my husband will prefer her prepare breakfast than me and alot am just tired and feel like crying out and doing something Name: zzz Country: USA Comment: My in-laws are planning to visit us this summer.And i am already nervous, because they are nosy and pushy. I am a stay at home mom. And i don't know how my husband will treat me with them around.Any tips on how to handle nosy and pushy in-laws. thanks. Name: Indian Man Country: USA Comment: Courage ladies! I grew up in a house that was run like many of the ones described here. All I can say is that you should get out as soon as humanly possible. If you don't have kids get out NOW because you don't want to bring children into this world in such an environment. If you have kids, get out NOW because if you don't your sons will grow up to be abusers and your daughters will grow up to be victims. I promised myself when I grew up that I would never turn out to be like my father, and today I'm a happily married father of two. But people like me are unfortunately the exception not the rule. You owe it to your children (present or future) to get out. Name: sad girl Country: USA Comment: I have been married 10 yrs to a cruel sadistic man and I live with my in laws. My MIL is cruel, runs the house. I am a professional(physician) whose husband and mother control every penny. My husbands insults my parents,and as I continue to live with him, see traits of my MIL rubbing off on him. He threatens me , my family, and I fear that if I leave him, I will never be able to see my daughter.anyone in my situation ? Name: Hope Country: India Comment: Hi everyone..I might sound sadistic, but really it does give me a little "out of the well" feeling and strength that I am not alone facing such nonsense... I am "living with my in laws from the day one of my marriage..slowly creeped in problems...MIL wants to be the supremo...also in the same house are my BIL, shi wife and their son who is pampered and taught all the out-dated styles of living. Their constant interference in all the things he does...when he is questioned, MIL and FIL answer!! this is so ridiculous. It is hampering his child's life and his growth to be a a nice open minded chap...I dont think we will ever stay seperately..but I am hesitating to bear a child...ever since I was an adolscent, I have dreamt to having children and I have landed into this house of confused people....please advice.... Name: Xenie Country: USA Comment: I have lived for 6-7 months with my in-laws. I am a qualified doctor from Canada and used to counsel women in abuse, emotional issues, etc. When I got married, my husband lived in the States, so I relocated. I have become one of those women that I counseled. My in-laws are so manipulative and clever, and I brought my self-esteem down so much...there were times I wanted to commit suicide....but thinking of my own family/my parents stopped me. My parents raised me independent, liberal and passionate....when I moved to my in-laws home....they indirectly made me a slave. I was treated like shit...but my husband still doesn't see this. Finally, my husband got a job 2 hrs away from them, and we moved. They are still very controlling. They took away all his money before we moved because it was in a joint savings. We moved to NY and it costs a lot here. I can't work yet because my immigartion paperwork isn't finalized yet. I feel like a prisoner trapped...and the worst thing is the free-spirit I had in my heart is dwindling....I am not sure how to cope anymore. After reading these letters/articles...I am so shocked at how ununique this situation is. I pray for all us for redeeming our inner strength and self-love. I hope god takes care of our precious hearts....we all deserve love and not hate. Name: Payal Country: USA Comment: before i got married my father inlaw ,came to india with my husband to see me ....he loved me & promised me i will b the happiest girl in their family ....i got married & came to the US ,my father in law changed & my mother in law who has lot of issues started her typical MIL behaviour .....since then i have been depressed as i did too much for them i think ,thinking they are my parents too & never got anything in return but taunts & she always put me down ..after 3 months of living with them my father in law threw me out of their house my husband was supportive & we left ....i have stopped talking to them for the past 9 months now & i & my husbands relationship has improved & i am a happy person now ,i actually have my own life & my own friends & i feel happier from inside .They have hurt me so much that i dont think it can ever heal .....who gives them the right to behave like this with someone elses daughter . Name: Neha Country: India Comment: Well said!This is very common problem with DILs. You must keep it in mind that it takes a good time to cope with a entirely new atmosphere with your new in-laws. Husbands are a vry loyal sons in the beginning. They do not have the habit of listening against their monthers. Tghey try to be indifferent in the matters of mothers and wives. But rest assured, that if you keep on doing exactly as your hasbands want in the starting years of your married life, a time will come when he will realise that your problem is genuine and he will try to sort out your problem and mind it that solution would be a good one. If he is in your good faith, then after some time everything will be allright. I have also spent five years of my married life for solving all these issues and right now I am the happiest wife, It think. Best of luck to all of your also. Name: anjali Country: India Comment: well i have read all the views as well as the article with great interest, becoz i went thru hell for 10yrs due to inlaws probs. the final answer was to withdraw from my husband as well as inlaws emotional, physically, and spiritually,from my husband. then remain polite to both. finally i am strong enough to care for my self, with his financial help. the basic reason for his complete surrender to his mother and father brother and sister was that they had tried to impress all his growing yrs that they are responsible for his carreer etc. and the fact that i was intelligent, smart good looking and ambitious made tham jealous and hateful towards me. they used the dowry factor to set him against me' though he is a surgeon from a very prestigious college. so there lies the secret. its all brain washing. i have taken 20yrs to brain wash my husband against dowry, cruelty to women, criticizing the girls family routinely as though it is the mpst normal thing to do. atlast he told me " now i can see why u didnt like living here with my parents. so ladies .. each one has to find thier own way out. but be clever/ be constructive/ take help from experts/ not from other frustrated dils/ watch and observe how the family functions / and dont say too much at first. watch your words / never reveal all about your self or fsmily/ keep your distance/ dont start giving love and affection from day one. watch how the family functions then interact with care. all this if you cant get out form the joint family setup instantly after marriage. which is the best :-) Name: Ami Country: India Comment: Well I agree that not eery mother-in-law is devil and not every DIL is an angle. My husband and I were in love with each-other since 1997. We tried to convince her till 2001 she forcibly sent my husband to usa in 1999. We're staying away from eachother since then, she finally permitted us to get married in 2002 dec. Now only time we get together is one hour chatting we do everyday. My mother in-law wants to read newspaper same time we chat. Now she is not wprking person and she is home all day, she can read newspaper wheneer she want to. She keeps a check on my husbands account and will not let him buy me a single gift. I must mention that my husband is only earning member in family and he and both my in-lwas stay with him. But still eery expnse is monitored by my mother-in-law. If he buys a greeting card for me he has to hide from her. And she keeps blaming me for lesser dahej she got from my father.. all she is concerned about my father's money. And my usband wants to respect her and i too want him to respect and loe her cause being an india i'e been taught to respect and take care of elders. But what about my life. Do i owe some love, time and care from my husband? What should I do in this situation..So i completely agree with SMW that at a ponit its right to feel for and DIL that his parents are not allowed if i'm not allowed to be happy with my husband. Why should I care Name: ******** Country: India Comment: Well said Indian Gal ! Name: Indian gal Country: USA Comment: When two different mindsets/generations stay under one roof there are bound to be troubles. With understanding some of them can be solved, some ignored BUT the truth remains that either/both (DIL & ILs) are hurt in the process. The solution I think is to stay seperate right from day of marraige. Indians better learn the fact that the DIL is NOT a servant, free cook, caretaker of you and she doesnt owe you a thing. And ILs are NOT free servants, babysitters till they get old. Parents should learn to emotionally distance themselves from a boy and accept the fact that he too will go away after his marraige like a daughter. The desire to control the DIL makes ILs crazy nuts. I see many Indian girls stressing that wont stay with hubby's parents after marraige in same house. 'Prevention is always better than cure'. Name: Indian gal Country: USA Comment: When two different mindsets/generations stay under one roof there are bound to be troubles. With understanding some of them can be solved, some ignored BUT the truth remains that either/both (DIL & ILs) are hurt in the process. The solution I think is to stay seperate right from day of marraige. Indians better learn the fact that the DIL is NOT a servant, free cook, caretaker of you and she doesnt owe you a thing. And ILs are NOT free servants, babysitters till they get old. Parents should learn to emotionally distance themselves from a boy and accept the fact that he too will go away after his marraige like a daughter. The desire to control the DIL makes ILs crazy nuts. I see many Indian girls stressing that wont stay with hubby's parents after marraige in same house. 'Prevention is always better than cure'. Name: Desperate Country: England Comment: I am not an Indian. I have problems with both my in-laws a year after our marriage. They live next door to us and as we are not financially secured to buy a house, we rented their house next door. I been through a very depressed time and I can totally see the common reaction our husband had. As a Chinese, I guess we have sinilar culture. Hang in there girls. One day I hope my husband will move Name: abc Country: India Comment: i read this article whenever i am depressed with my situation with my m-i-l. it gives me build up some courage. Thanks for this article and the website Name: SMW Country: India Comment: My inlaws came to visit one month after our marriage ( I am american, he is Indian) His mother was so evil and so cruel. The 4mo at our home was the worst 4mo of my life. To my concern they are NEVER welcome back in my home again. My husband never defended me. he always blamed me. I was always made to be the bad one. Finally I seeked counceling and it made me stronger to see I am NOT the one in the wrong. His mom is just got some issues. but his brother is close with her just as my husband is. So my sister in law also has same issues with her. and she is indian and was arranged. I still til this day almost one year later am so taunted from this and literally have nitemares of them ever coming back here. He says they will when I have baby. Im like over my dead body. She took away my happiness in marriage she surely isnt taking away from me and my baby. That will be the day I surely pack and leave and never look back. So advice to all you indian woman that suffer and husbands dont defend you? GET OUT. YOU deserve to be happy. Not constantly put down or belittled. DO NOT tolerate the caos. I know I never will again. Im sick to my tummy just typing of it now. They have scarred me terribly. :-( Name: uninspired Country: India Comment: it doesn't say anything original- which is fine. If you think about it...it's a bit sad really. (The situation I mean) Name: 2face Country: India Comment: I think the article is great. But any advice for a mother-in-law as to how she can tame her good for nothing daugher-in-law who does nothing but watch TV, expects room service and considers her in-laws a burden, a servant. Did you ever read any article where there is a mention about a Guy complaining about his in-laws. I guess not. So, why a female also expects her husband to respect her parents, but then she expects him to kick out his parents. So, before drawing any conclusion, we should hear both side of the stories. Not every mother-in-law is a devil as not every duagher-in-law is an angel Name: varsha Country: India Comment: ITS A VERY ENCOURAGING&INSPIRING ARTICLE NO DOUBT.I THINK ITS IN OUR HAND AND MORE IMPORTANT IS HOW WE THINK AND HANDLE THE SITUATION.ITS JUST TO SHOW UNDERSTANDING AND PATIENCE INSTEAD OF COMPLANING OR CRYING ON OUR LUCK.THIS ARTICLE IS REALLY GOOD FOR EVERY INDIAN WOMEN. Name: garima Country: India Comment: very helpful and inspiring aritlc.e . thanks. 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