Comparison Between Siblings - The Outcomes

Comparisons between siblings give rise to an unhealthy rivalry between them. It has serious repercussions on behaviour and can poison the sibling relationship. The childs feeling of being compared leads to inferiority complex. Read on to know the effects of comparisons.15-year-old Aditis mother sat confused across the school principals table. Why did Aditi do this? What led her to attract the attention of the boys so desperately? Priya, her sister did no such thing even though she was prettier. The principal suggested that Aditi meet the school counselor. It was during one of these sessions that Adit narrated a significant that allowed some insight into her behavior. Aditi recalled that when she was 6 and her sister 8, both of them got gifts of similar frocks. Aditi in her excitement wrote a small thank you poem for her parents. The 2 sisters came out wearing their new frocks. Even before Aditi could give the poem to her mother, she heard her mother exclaim, -Oh Priya, you look like a princess, youll get the most handsome prince. Their father as if in agreement kissed Priya. Priya had all the attention and Aditi kept waiting for her turn to be complimented; it didnt come. The poem passed hands from her to the bin. Aditi could recall many more such incidents where she felt less than her sister. But no- one ever understood or asked how she felt whenever Priya walked away with all the compliments. Aditi never tried to write again after that. Also she started doing every possible thing to pull her sister down-she made up complaints about her to the teachers, tried to spoil her friendships. And when she entered her teens, her behavior with the opposite sex was becoming an area of concern for all. Let us analyze Aditis behavior and through it see the effects of comparison between siblings. In this articleComparison Makes a Child Feel InferiorComparison Can Kill TalentComparison Leads to An Indifferent AttitudeComparison Leads to Unhealthy Rivalry Between SiblingsComparison Need Not be Voiced Out to be FeltParents Should be Fair in Giving CreditAccepting a Childs Feeling of Being Compared Helps Resolving ItAt Times Comparison Can be Used PositivelyComparison Makes a Child Feel Inferior As is obvious, Aditi continued to feel very inferior to her sister from an early age. Very often, when a person feels inferior inside, he/she tries all ways, fair or unfair, to prove that heshe is the better one. The same happened with Aditi. She tried to prove that she is the better one by pulling her sister down. Also covertly she wanted that handsome prince in life. This explains to a large extent Aditis hunt for the prince in school itself and consequently her desperate behavior towards boys. Comparison Can Kill Talent Now the other issue of why Aditi didnt try to write after that day! On that day, the talent that could have been discovered with her parents appreciation was crumpled due to jealousy. Aditis enthusiasm to try again was lost in the feelings of envy. It is seen that when so much energy goes into dealing with negative feelings such as those of envy or inferiority, very less energy is left for productive activities like writing in Aditis case. Also a fear settles in the child that his/her efforts and talent might not be noticed and appreciated so the desire to explore the latent skills fades away. Comparison Leads to An Indifferent Attitude It is seen that with comparison a child starts developing an indifferent attitude. The moment a parent says so and so is better--- the dialogue within the child is so love that person, why bother with me. A kind of who cares attitude builds in the child. Again, this indifferent outlook does not let the child try and explore his capacity. In a way there is no motivation for him to try as the dialogue stops at the point where it has been decided that the parent will now love and favor the other child. The child then does not see any further reason to make efforts. Probably all these things happened with Aditi also and she never tried writing after that. Comparison Leads to Unhealthy Rivalry Between Siblings Another negative outcome in the above example was the growing rivalry between the 2 sisters. What could have been a special friendship between sisters of the same age group was turning into unhealthy rivalry. Priya remained confused as to why her sister did all this to her. She had to experience a strong dislike though she had done nothing to receive that. This is a sad pitfall of comparisons between siblings- they grow up to dislike each other strongly without really having a direct hand in creating the dislike. Comparison Need Not be Voiced Out to be Felt After listening about the above fallouts of comparison, Aditis parents put a very valid question to the counselor. They argued that they had not actually voiced out a comparison so often. Only that they had praised Priya. With the same argument many parents ask, so should we never praise the child who has done well for the fear that the other might feel inferior? As a psychologist, my answer would be that of course every child should be acknowledged and encouraged for his/her achievements but care should be taken for the feelings of the other child at that moment. Like in Aditis case, even if a direct comparison was not voiced out, she felt it. Maybe if Aditis parents had paid attention to what Aditi was going through and had asked her why, how and what she felt, a lot of pain could have been saved. Parents Should be Fair in Giving Credit Along with being sensitive to the feelings of the sibling, it is very important for the parents to see that they are being very fair in their appreciations i.e. every child should get his due credit. Many parents ask that if the child is not doing well, how can they make up the praise. At such times, it is important to explore within oneself if one is somewhere ignoring the childs talent due to ones own bent of mind. We as adults, often have a bent only towards a certain type of talent. For e.g. Ramesh was always praised for his academic achievements but his brother Suresh was never encouraged for his talent in painting. For the parents, painting was not considered as valuable as academics, so in spite of the fact that Suresh painted well, he never got his share of appreciation. Suresh did try to live up to his parents expectations in academics but it was a fact that he was not too good at that. He not only faced failure at every step in it but also his real talent in painting went unexplored. Accepting a Childs Feeling of Being Compared Helps Resolving It For many parents who fall into this trap of comparing, there are many who take great care to see that their any of their children do not feel less loved or cared for than the other. Still, there are complaints from the children like-you always take his side only, or you love him only. It is definitely very frustrating for the parents to handle such emotions, especially; when they have put in efforts to not let their children feel so. One good way to deal with such complaints is by listening and accepting their feelings and not saying that their very feeling is wrong. By listening to these feelings, you are not agreeing with children about you being partial, but only saying that you do understand them. Once the children feel that their feelings have been understood, they too try and see the things as they are in reality. But the more the parents argue that the child should not even feel the comparison, the more the child would see the parent as partial. After listening to the kids, you can give your side of the story too. The idea is to respect their feeling so and to have an honest discussion about it. At Times Comparison Can be Used Positively After reading all this, one might argue that parents compare only to help their child recognize his/her fault so that he can correct him/herself. And so they use statements like See how well your sister talks to the guests or you must get good marks like your brother. But by comparing him/her to the other sibling is that purpose achieved? I would say more often than not such comparisons only bring those ill effects like discussed above. However, if comparison is used with discretion it can have positive effects too. After all, the competitive spirit is born out of the concept of comparison. If you feel that your child is already trying hard, is secure and quite confident of his capabilities, then comparison can be used to help him get that extra edge. For example if one sibling is getting 8out of 10 and you feel that only competition with the other child who is getting 9 can help him put in that extra effort, you can definitely say, I am sure even you can get 9. Through comparison, you can invoke the competitive spirit in him and help him jump from doing just good enough to giving in his total best. But, it is very important to give that extra thought before deciding when really comparison can be helpful for your child.

Comparisons between siblings give rise to an unhealthy rivalry between them. It has serious repercussions on behaviour and can poison the sibling relationship. The child's feeling of being compared leads to inferiority complex. Read on to know the effects of comparisons.

15-year-old Aditi's mother sat confused across the school principal's table. Why did Aditi do this? What led her to attract the attention of the boys so desperately? Priya, her sister did no such thing even though she was prettier.

The principal suggested that Aditi meet the school counselor. It was during one of these sessions that Adit narrated a significant that allowed some insight into her behavior. Aditi recalled that when she was 6 and her sister 8, both of them got gifts of similar frocks. Aditi in her excitement wrote a small thank you poem for her parents. The 2 sisters came out wearing their new frocks. Even before Aditi could give the poem to her mother, she heard her mother exclaim, -'Oh Priya, you look like a princess, you'll get the most handsome prince'. Their father as if in agreement kissed Priya. Priya had all the attention and Aditi kept waiting for her turn to be complimented; it didn't come. The poem passed hands from her to the bin. Aditi could recall many more such incidents where she felt less than her sister. But no- one ever understood or asked how she felt whenever Priya walked away with all the compliments.

Aditi never tried to write again after that. Also she started doing every possible thing to pull her sister down-she made up complaints about her to the teachers, tried to spoil her friendships. And when she entered her teens, her behavior with the opposite sex was becoming an area of concern for all.

Let us analyze Aditi's behavior and through it see the effects of comparison between siblings.

Comparison Makes a Child Feel Inferior

As is obvious, Aditi continued to feel very inferior to her sister from an early age. Very often, when a person feels inferior inside, he/she tries all ways, fair or unfair, to prove that heshe is the better one. The same happened with Aditi. She tried to prove that she is the better one by pulling her sister down. Also covertly she wanted that handsome prince in life. This explains to a large extent Aditi's hunt for the prince in school itself and consequently her desperate behavior towards boys.

Comparison Can Kill Talent

Now the other issue of why Aditi didn't try to write after that day! On that day, the talent that could have been discovered with her parent's appreciation was crumpled due to jealousy. Aditi's enthusiasm to try again was lost in the feelings of envy. It is seen that when so much energy goes into dealing with negative feelings such as those of envy or inferiority, very less energy is left for productive activities like writing in Aditi's case. Also a fear settles in the child that his/her efforts and talent might not be noticed and appreciated so the desire to explore the latent skills fades away.

Comparison Leads to An Indifferent Attitude

It is seen that with comparison a child starts developing an indifferent attitude. The moment a parent says 'so and so is better---' the dialogue within the child is 'so love that person, why bother with me'. A kind of' 'who cares' attitude builds in the child. Again, this indifferent outlook does not let the child try and explore his capacity. In a way there is no motivation for him to try as the dialogue stops at the point where it has been decided that the parent will now love and favor the other child. The child then does not see any further reason to make efforts. Probably all these things happened with Aditi also and she never tried writing after that.

Comparison Leads to Unhealthy Rivalry Between Siblings

Another negative outcome in the above example was the growing rivalry between the 2 sisters. What could have been a special friendship between sisters of the same age group was turning into unhealthy rivalry. Priya remained confused as to why her sister did all this to her. She had to experience a strong dislike though she had done nothing to receive that. This is a sad pitfall of comparisons between siblings- they grow up to dislike each other strongly without really having a direct hand in creating the dislike.

Comparison Need Not be Voiced Out to be Felt

After listening about the above fallouts of comparison, Aditi's parents put a very valid question to the counselor. They argued that they had not actually voiced out a comparison so often. Only that they had praised Priya. With the same argument many parents ask, so should we never praise the child who has done well for the fear that the other might feel inferior? As a psychologist, my answer would be that of course every child should be acknowledged and encouraged for his/her achievements but care should be taken for the feelings of the other child at that moment. Like in Aditi's case, even if a direct comparison was not voiced out, she felt it. Maybe if Aditi's parents had paid attention to what Aditi was going through and had asked her why, how and what she felt, a lot of pain could have been saved.

Parents Should be Fair in Giving Credit

Along with being sensitive to the feelings of the sibling, it is very important for the parents to see that they are being very fair in their appreciations i.e. every child should get his due credit. Many parents ask that if the child is not doing well, how can they make up the praise. At such times, it is important to explore within oneself if one is somewhere ignoring the child's talent due to one's own bent of mind. We as adults, often have a bent only towards a certain type of talent. For e.g. Ramesh was always praised for his academic achievements but his brother Suresh was never encouraged for his talent in painting. For the parents, painting was not considered as valuable as academics, so in spite of the fact that Suresh painted well, he never got his share of appreciation. Suresh did try to live up to his parent's expectations in academics but it was a fact that he was not too good at that. He not only faced failure at every step in it but also his real talent in painting went unexplored.

Accepting a Child's Feeling of Being Compared Helps Resolving It

For many parents who fall into this trap of comparing, there are many who take great care to see that their any of their children do not feel less loved or cared for than the other. Still, there are complaints from the children like-'you always take his side only', or' you love him only'. It is definitely very frustrating for the parents to handle such emotions, especially; when they have put in efforts to not let their children feel so. One good way to deal with such complaints is by listening and accepting their feelings and not saying that their very feeling is wrong. By listening to these feelings, you are not agreeing with children about you being partial, but only saying that you do understand them. Once the children feel that their feelings have been understood, they too try and see the things as they are in reality. But the more the parents argue that the child should not even feel the comparison, the more the child would see the parent as partial. After listening to the kids, you can give your side of the story too. The idea is to respect their feeling so and to have an honest discussion about it.

At Times Comparison Can be Used Positively

After reading all this, one might argue that parents compare only to help their child recognize his/her fault so that he can correct him/herself. And so they use statements like 'See how well your sister talks to the guests' or 'you must get good marks like your brother'. But by comparing him/her to the other sibling is that purpose achieved? I would say more often than not such comparisons only bring those ill effects like discussed above. However, if comparison is used with discretion it can have positive effects too. After all, the competitive spirit is born out of the concept of comparison. If you feel that your child is already trying hard, is secure and quite confident of his capabilities, then comparison can be used to help him get that extra edge. For example if one sibling is getting 8out of 10 and you feel that only competition with the other child who is getting 9 can help him put in that extra effort, you can definitely say, 'I am sure even you can get 9'. Through comparison, you can invoke the competitive spirit in him and help him jump from doing 'just good enough' to giving in his total best. But, it is very important to give that extra thought before deciding when really comparison can be helpful for your child.