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Separated Parents
- Gary Direnfeld




Children need and want the best relationship possible with both parents, and the involvement of both parents is important to the emotional health of children now and in the future. While such involvement is easily achieved by parents leading a happily married life, what about single parents? How do they cope? The Child-Up Parenting Plan is a dynamic solution to address such a situation. 

The first step is to understand the needs of a child as he grows, to the time he is old enough to leave home and start out on his own. Needs may be related to education, religion, health, extra-curricular activities, residence and daily care. The child-up approach takes all these into account and then builds upon the resources, availability and desires of each parent to meet these needs over time. If either parent is lacking in knowledge, skill or ability, the plan may also include counselling or parenting classes. The basic belief is that parents will do whatever is necessary to best meet their children's needs and will undertake activities to prepare themselves if necessary. 

Parents will have to adapt to different stages according to their children's development. The parenting plan must therefore be dynamic, as it will need to change with time.

With infant children, one parent may be more relied upon to provide day-to-day care.  However, the other parent should be provided opportunity to bond and form attachments through frequent visits. As children become toddlers, pre-schoolers and then school aged, they are increasingly exposed to the world. So rather than an arbitrary rule that provides a mid-week visit, parents can negotiate and share responsibilities for transportation or swimming lessons or after-school activities. Sharing responsibilities pragmatically changes parents' duration, frequency, time, activity and exposure to their children in a way that is natural. 

In other words, parental time with children is as much task-specific as time-directed. As the demands of school increase, one parent may provide assistance with math homework, while the other with English. The key is to develop the parenting plan for meaningful, goal directed and structured activity aimed towards meeting the needs of children at particular ages. Close parent-child relationships form through positive involvement with typical daily tasks. 

Other benefits of sharing parental responsibilities through a “child-up parenting plan” is the reduced risk of one parent taking on the role of the disciplinarian while the other parent develops a kind of fantasyland relationship. Children benefit from access to both parents according to their needs and parental abilities. Further, it distributes the demands placed upon parents and can reduce their stress.

Ongoing parental involvement throughout childhood will determine how well children are able to accept parental guidance and direction come adolescence. This will be vital and protective at this time in their lives. While many people think that peer pressure has more influence on teen behaviour, this is only true for teens who have tenuous parental relationships. Parents who have long established, good and significant relationship with their children can actually have more influence on them during adolescence than their teen peers.

Involvement now will determine your relationship with your child, and the course of your child's future relationships and well-being. If a such a plan is developed and followed, both parents can dance at their children's wedding, and then take turns babysitting grandchildren! Needless to say, this approach will best with parents who have put aside their differences or hatred for each other, for the betterment of their children. The worst thing one parent can do, is to turn the children against the other parent. 

To see other article by Gary Direnfeld or contact him: click here

 

To add your views on this article or read other comments, click here.


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