Relationships  Discussion Forum

Saheli, first of all I want to tell you that I admire your concern for others which is evident from the replies you send to the peoples problems.

I am a working woman with 3 1/2 years daughter. She is quite shy and introvert. She goes to play school and the feedback from her teachers are that on being called up in the class she gets fearful and on asking questions she replies in voice which is not audible and don' t mix with other children. I am getting really worried as the time for admission to regular school is coming up and i fear that her chance for getting admission in good school may not be hampered by her shy nature. I want to help her out as she is an intellegent child and she shows a lot of common sense. I want her to enjoy the Company of children of her age. I don' t know how to make positive changes in her.

Hope I will get feedback and suggestions on this issue. Saheli replied. Don’t say anything to the child about teacher’s concerns or your concerns on what you have said. Just work on the issues in a different way.

Reasons behind –
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Unhealthy relationship between family members, open or silent, can impact her psychology. Check that out. Sort out issues with hubby in private.

Check out behavior of family members towards the kid. Nagging, threatening, denying, Dominating, Instructing her every 5 mins? If you are leaving child with maid alone, is her treatment fair and loving towards the kid?

Don’t compare, no violence, no yelling, no bad punishments. Dont take out your irritation on the child. Don’t over-protect the child. From weather, from friends, from society, etc.

The child is lacking confidence. It could also be a reason that the child never got an opportunity to be confident. She may be low on self-esteem, may have some inferiority complex, or some fear.

What can we do now?
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Mom to build a healthy and friendly relationship with the child. Play, go out, teach, whatever. Follow the “dos and donts”. Develop trust. This will happen gradually.

Talk to your child to find out what she fears, why doesn’t she speak up. This will be a long interactive session.
Lead by setting examples. Greeting guests, discipline, being happy, public speaking.

Try and build self-esteem and confidence in your child. Praise her good things to her and others. If she fails, still praise her and say “you tried well”. Give her opportunities to be confident by asking her to run little errands in home and then praising her effort. In early attempts, plan it such a way that the child will definitely success in the task given. This success will boost her confidence. Then give her tasks and say “I know u can do it very well”.

Give her opportunities to speak in public. When u go to buy veggies, or grocery, let her pick and pay. Teach her to dial a number and make her call up her friend. After her success in this, teach her to greet the receiver (if Aunty then what, if friend then what). Show her when you do the same. Then let her make a call. Irrespective of her success, make it a big story and tell it to your hubby when he arrives, when the child is there (plan it with hubby that you will do this drama, and he needs to congratulate the child after he hears the story, and both of you then even gift the child a little something for her fabulous job).

Don’t force the child ever. Only encourage. Explain. Bribe if really needed. Maintain balance.

In the market, the child may be shy to speak to shopkeepers. Leave it. Next time the child asks you for a chocolate or pack of chips, tell her the condition that she needs to buy on her own. Don’t forget to say “nothing to worry, I will be with you, and if you cant do it, I ll do it. Not to worry”.
Success or no success, be patient. Only encourage. Repeat it every time u get an opportunity. She will improve. This has worked for me.

When your child does something good, like a drawing, or brings something from school (their cuttings, paintings), display it to people by keeping in drawing room or something and praising the child by showing others (I have heard this boosts the child great deal.)

When kid hubby and you are alone, play some confidence and public speaking related games. You can even recite poems one by one.

Teach the child to greet guests. (no force, lead by doing it yourself). Ask child to recite a poem when guests are around.

Give more opportunities to the child to interact with public. Do whatever suits you – more outings. Joining any fun class. Take the child to public places with kids like park, zoo, taking the child to kids-zone at the mall and then leave the child alone (watch the kid). Leave the child alone with other children by taking her to neighbors kid or inviting over, to relatives (stay at relatives where kids are) … or parties with office colleagues with their children. At such times, involve the children in games with elders … when all are sitting together and playing something .. sing songs ..and then each child recites a poem. Such ideas may help.

Re-assure the child always that there is nothing to fear about, he is the best kid in the world for you, you love her as she is, is your best friend, and is special to you!

Seek help from school. Work with the teacher to find out what’s wrong. Work with teacher to build up confidence and public speaking skills in the child. If there are any stage show oppor like annual programme, make the child participate. Never criticize the kid. Suggest what can be done better.

The teacher, I think, is one of the best persons who can help you with, at this time. The helpers and other people in the school will also need to help. They need to make sure that other children are not dominating your child.

Admission/Interview
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Find out what can be asked in interviews. Prepare with your child by first training her on the answers, then training her to speak them to a stranger (interviewer). This will need lot of time, may be month or 2. Train the child, you interview the child, praise and reward. Then after some days, the dad does that (same process). Then probably the playschool teacher. Then your friend/neighbor/relative does the interview. Make sure to assure, praise and reward the child appropriately.

After that, explain the child about the interview process – why, what, everything. Say there is nothing to worry about. Give your childhood example and how you came out with flying colors (only positive stories). (If you tell the child in the beginning that there is an interview process, the child will get afraid and withdraw and not answer even the dad, forget others).

I think this is enough a lecture for now! Let me know if this helps.