Listed below are some of the most
common reasons women opt to stay on in abusive marriages along with
some suggestions on how you can cope.
You are financially dependent on your husband
If the only reason you are with your husband
is because you are financially dependent on him, remember, leaving him
will entitle you to alimony and a share in his property. If you are
serious about getting out, first, get a job. Once you have an income, you can walk out of the house at any time. You can then file for a divorce and demand alimony.
You fear he will never give you a divorce
If you fear your husband
may never give you a divorce, start collecting proof of your husband's
abuse. The best way to do this is through email. If your in-laws have
mistreated you, instead of calling your husband
and complaining, send him an email. You will have his response in
writing. Similarly, start communicating with your in-laws by email. In
this manner you can build up proof of your abuse and when you file for divorce, your husband's lawyer too will advise him to give it once he sees the proof you have against him.
You're afraid of what may happen
If married abroad, familiarise yourself with the laws of the country
you are in. In the US for example, the day your get married, you and
your husband
are 50% owners in your husband's house. If your husband's parent's
names are mentioned in the house papers, they may own it jointly too,
but as long as the house is wholly or partially in your husband's name,
you own a share equal to that of your husband.
Thus although he may threaten to throw you out if you 'misbehave', he
cannot do so. And if he does throw you out, call 911 for assistance.
They will guide you, and will help you file for maintenance. No matter
what happens, you will not end up starving on the streets.
You have children
Having children should not be a barrier to getting you to
leave him. It is healthier for you to raise the children on your own as
a single parent than it is to subject them to regular fights. Witnessing violence at home can cause untold damage to a child's personality.
You are afraid of being alone
First, find support through friends and online communities. One way you
can combat this fear of being alone is by building a social support
network. Join a class, take up a job or start a new activity. Seek out
like-minded people.
You cannot imagine being divorced - anything is better
than that
You don't have to get a divorce if you don't want one. Go in for a
separation, which keeps the option of returning open. Walk out with
your children, hire a good lawyer and demand that he pay maintenance, including rent for the apartment you are staying in. Once your husband
lives without you, he will see the value you bring to his life and will
get a sense of how much you do for him. Making payments to you will
also pinch. Also, sub-consciously your husband
will develop respect for you. Chances for reconciliation do exist, and
many a woman who has walked out has walked back into a happier
marriage.
Name:
Rita
Country: U.S.A.
Dear Chinnama,
I dont really understand what u are afraid of.Iam like u ,in a 5yr marriage no kids living in usa and want to get out of it,the only thing thats stopping me is iam financially dependent on him,iam looking for a job now so when i get a job i can move out.u hav a job too so utilize it and move out,get help from good friends,u can even relocate within usa or India if u want by attending interviews from other states,surely ur parents will support u,iam only daughter too,i want to tell this to my parents once i get a job so that they arent afraid of my future,dont worry u will surely find someone better in ur future,so many of my friends are better after being bold and leaving their abusive marriage,and many of my friends who had stayed in such marriage for 10yrs with kids cannot move out now and their husbands are still abusive,so be bold and act now ,dont waste ur time,plan for leaving ,discuss with ur single female colleagues and friends for a place u can share and rent.it will be safe that way too.u can hav a happy life later if u are bold and courageous now,so act soon
Name:
SG
Country: India
dear chinamma, pray to god to make u bold & give u enough strength to leave ur hubby.i know its easy to say but after spending 4yrs with him...u must hv realized tht how much he can change
for better.if he beats u so much.. then u must leave for ur own sake(mental & physical).parents r sensitive but when things come like this they become strong like stone for their daughters.just go back to india and after 2-3 months or slowly u can make them understand ur situation to avoid setback.if u r working ..then financial security is also not a problem...so why to stay with such abuser?
Name:
ruby
Country: India
hi chinamma u r highly educated and working lady u should be strong. now u don,t have child once u u will get child your condition will be worse. so take action strongly.your parent loves u when they would get to know these thins they would definately hurt.they don,t want u to suffer to this extent.u r worthy for good life so leave this men go back to your parent or lead life independently you r not a burdon for anyone because u deserve respect and love. i want to be your friend.
great site!
Name:
Chinamma
Country: India
we married 4 years ago.no children.my husband is a short tempered man.even if he scolds in house also ok for me.he scolds me before all other persons when we went for picnic.i think he thougts it is great for him.i am senesitive i can't tolerate this.some times for small issues, he beats me like anything.he beats me with legs also.he presses my neck.sometimes ,i am getting feeling he wont see me like a human,he sees me like an animal.the next day he will tell sorry like "i got too much angry at that time sorry".but asusual he can't be with out beat me when he is angry.with in one day he forgets everything.but as a sufferer i can remember it years.he won't give value for me when we went parties.he compares with other wifes in house work.i don't know what i am doing less to him.i am a programmer analyst.even though i cook daily in the evenings.he won't help me.in the starting of my job he helped i think 5 days.thats all.now also i do his clothes iron.
only fear for me to take divorce is because of my parents.especially my motherr.she is too sensitive.they gave me to a person ,who didn't have money because of his character that he will see their daughter good.they are thinking about us nicely,that i am staying here with out any problems.now also my dad he is earning a lot money for me and buying plots for me.now i am staying in us.they are in india.i can't tell them about all these things.i can't leave with him also.if i am thinking about future i am getting fear.now no children.if i have children means i can't seperate because of them.i am not able to think correctly.can any one suggest me......
thanks.
Name:
xyz
Country: India
hi chinnama,
trust me this will never ever get better.leave him today. you are lucky you have no children from him, you can easily laeve this man. don't wait.you have a good jab too what are you waiting for? just trust me, leave him before you have any kids. he is never going to change the things will get worse instead. i can understand what your parents will feel but they have no idea leaving him would be the only best thing for you. leave him before you have any kids as having kids will make this very difficult. believe me if you don't leave him today you will definitely regret tomorrow. just listen to my advice leave him immediately.
Name:
geet
Country: India
what will a women like me do with an alcoholic husband? i tried re-hab, even separated from him for 1-2 months but every time he pleads and every time he goes back into the same situation. i have even lodged complaint in the p.s. nothing frutiful has happened. he is not in job also. how will he be able to give maintenance for me and my kids. will he not ask for maintenance from me? i had already went to a lawyer for clear picture. he is just asking to me file a domestic voilence civil case against him.
could somebody give me some solution to this situation of mine? i would be very greatful.
regards
geet
Name:
sachi
Country: India
this is to all of my frds who have written about their pains in life ... i understand their bent of mind at this point of time , you pple must have gone through hell other wise no one just jump to the conclusion like that , dear all , i want t o share with u , that torture is tortour whether its mental of physical its equally distort the essence of being human , it destroys personality , and gives the feeling of worthlessness . i feel very strongly against those who does it and those who faces it ... life is too vaaluable then why to waste it on somebody who does nt even respect u as a human being . women should raise their voice against it . one should always try to take control over their life its ur life....no one has right to rule over it . dont stay in dark try to find out ngo's involved who are deal with such issues in ur city. and take a strict action against it . u can also take help from website regarding ngo's that are available in ur city . but plz plz try to understand life has much to offer u than to be treated like nothing ..... your life doesnt worth it ...fight against voilence!!!!! but with all well designed ....bring issues of private life into public>>>>fight for urself ...it"s right time to get up and fight for yourself
sachi
Name:
Seema
Country: India
i want to walk out of my marriage. but ist is getting difficult b'coz i have 2 yr old son. though i am professionally qualified and getting a job is not difficul for me. but where will i leave my kid. my own family is vey orthodox and they will not supprt me. i no even finding any good maid or a good creche for my kid. pls suggest.
Name:
sudha
Country: India
my husband takes doubts on my carracture, he not allows me to meet anybody or watch any one. allthough i was a working woman, i spent my all money for our home and child. from 13 yrs of marriage 1 night he throw me out. i filed a complaint in p.station, next day i return back at my parents with 12 year old son. i started working again, i inform this to all his relatives what he had done with me. be confident, trust on our sanskar that do not hurt any body, donot ignor anyone who is hurting us. there will one day for me also.
Name:
preetkaur
Country: Canada
hi every1,
i have 2 kids (4 yr and new born).im not feeling comfertable with my husband.
i wana say lots of thing to my husband but he don't wana listen to me, because he don't have time for me. in these days he is not talking to me.one of my friend saying that tell him directly what u want or whats your problem, when i tried ,i said that i wana talk to, i need your 5 min and he said i don't have time go do whatever u want. i know he don't like me but really love him.
please help me.
Name:
To abc
Country: India
preference is always given to the mother. mothers almost always get custody unless the father can prove in court that you are unfit. if you are an alcoholic for example, or if you take drugs and so on, you may not be given custody. but other than that, you will be given custody of your child. the court favours the mother. in any case, such a young baby will always be given to the mother. it doesn't matter if you don't have a job - your husband will have to pay alimony.
Name:
chinni
Country: India
hi,iam also facing the same prob which u had given in the article.it is been ages since iam combating with him .he is abusing for money wants me to do evrything before he could ,he compares with other women who r working in his office .my kids r quite grown up not giving respect esp boy.iam trying for a job ,if iam tru withit i want to seperate .it is like hell u do whatever possible for them ,no satisfaction.this article is really helpful.
Name:
abc
Country: India
how do i ensure if i come out of marriage my baby will be with me and he wont take her. bcos i cannot leave without my baby. wht r the chances in case of a broken marriage the baby stays with her mother. my baby is 7 mnths old....
Name:
Kavya
Country: India
nice article. there could be other reasons too. such as ease with the person, fear of society and isolation, kids, uncertainity about the future.
