When there is a clash between the 'saas' and 'bahu,' the husband often takes his mother's side. Why is this so?
If two of your friends had a fight, what would you do? Unless you are in high school, you will not fight with someone just because a friend of yours had a fight with him or her. You would either stay out of the picture, or would try and mediate a reconciliation.
Some men adopt this policy at home as well, and prefer staying out of
squabbles between the mother and daughter-in-law. But many men get into
the thick of things, and try playing judge or placing the blame - and
all too often the blame falls on the wife.
Complaints
If your mother
comes to you and complains about the behaviour of your wife, that in
itself should be a sign that she is trying to create trouble between
the two of you. If she is upset by something your wife said, she should
speak about it to your wife directly, and they should clear it out
amongst themselves. If she still wants you to know about it, let her
speak to you in front of your wife and not behind her back. Do not
react until you have given your wife a chance to present her side of
the story.
Privacy
Never, ever fight with your wife in front of your mother. It will only double her hurt. If you feel your wife was harsh with your mother for whatever reason, speak to her about it in private, and keep an open mind to listen to her point of view. Speak to her as a friend would, without blaming her. Remember, your wife is not a goddess or a saint. Yes, she does have flaws, and so does your mother.
It is hard enough to adjust to each other as a couple, and expecting
her to adjust to your parents as well, on a permanent basis, is bound
to be very hard on her.
Interference
If you and your wife were still living with your parents, they
do have a say in how the home is run. But if you have moved out of your
parent's home and they come and live with you, they have no business
telling your wife how to run her home. They should give suggestions
only when their suggestions are solicited, and not otherwise.
Taking Sides
If your mother
has said something to your wife that has upset her, don't take it
lightly. Just because you see nothing demeaning in it, doesn't mean
your wife doesn't either. If she is upset, it shouldn't have been said.
This doesn't mean you go back and fight with your mother, but you should definitely see things from your wife's point of view and be more understanding. Most husbands would probably defend their mothers and try and get their wives to see their mother's point of view. That's definitely the wrong course of action to take. Not only does your husband realize that your mother
has stepped out of line, but he still expects you to be more
understanding. "She meant well." It Doesn't Matter! All interference
can be couched under the guise of meaning well. Don't brush your wife's
feelings aside. If you want peace in the house, tell your mother not to interfere. After all, does your wife keep telling your mother how she should be doing things?
Name:
sameera,
Country: India
i have been married for over a year now.. it was a love marriage. my in laws are fine but they are too miser and i just cant take that.i grew up without a mom or any love and its natural i seemed to have expected a bit of love here which i know now is not possible. But i never had to fight for small things. By Gods grace i lead a luxurious life but without the love of a family.My husband is supportive of me but he cant do much cos we are totally dependent on my in laws(financially)as he recently started working. i don't expect them to pamper me. they are both earning and have no responsibilities and dont spend at all. i know its bad to talk like this but i feel depressed cos i cant talk about this with anyone.Saddest part is my father is not loving at all and i have a grandmother and a younger sister who keep fighting with each other n call me every time they have a rift. its quite depressing n i feel real low. i am even trying to conceive since a year. i guess its stress. What do i do?
Name:
Rashi,
Country: India
I feel so sad to admit that mils do ruin the lives of their dils to an extent that hatred becomes inevitable. c'mon, we r no goddesses. and we don't forgive them for that ! my mom in law interfered in my day to day activity, whether it was cooking, washing or cleaning.... my needs were dictated by her... i had no breathing space. and my husband could never stand up for me despite understanding the situation... the scar is so deep , i dont even forgive my husband for all the wrongs done to me by his mom while he stood a deaf and dumb to my miseries....
Name:
sweta,
Country: India
its been 6 months to my marriage n i have had a terrible time. my husband is very sweet n caring but my mil has ruined our relationship. i've tried every bit to maintain peace at my house but its impossible. i even tried to commit suicide but failed. i cnt tolerate this any more
Name:
sheetal,
Country: India
my mil also have the same problem ,she is so possesive about his son,she destroy my life just interfer in my life ,i don`t like she is very bad woman in my life
Name:
Garima,
Country: India
ya this must be read by all husbands.. but i know they won't because they can never ever think or feel like that..days before today i was thinking that there must be only rare families where this happens but now i come to know that its the story of every other woman.. i am also very much depressed of my marrige life. i got married one and a half year ago. this was an arranged marrige.the main problem with me is my mil. she is very much possesive about her son. she has made my life miserable. i when came to my in laws house, i completely given my self in serving all family members. my mil does not want me to sit free for a moment. when she find me free she always tell me to do house hold chores. she even does not help me even if my health does not allow me to stand. my husband dont even talk to me in her presence. he just think that would be disrespecting to her if he talks to me in front of her. we have two small rooms in our home. and we live with my mil an bil. even my husband keeps the door open at night that thinking that it is very shamefull to keep door closed while mother is there. she does not give a moment to my husband to talk to me. even after that much time of our marrige we are like two persons who know very little about each othe. this does not matter to my husband because he is in a comfortable zone but i m not. i have left my home my family for him, for his love but he thinks only about his mother. i am just like a maid at home to serve his family. his family has 5 members and each one is fully dependent on me even for a bit.i dont know what to do with it. i am really very upset. please can anyone give me advice what should i do.i m really very helpless.
Name:
I hate my MIL,
Country: India
after 12 years of marriage and living in a different country she still controls my husband just as if he is under her foot - i say my mil is a fist - with 4 sons (life for fingers) & 1 fil (like the thumb) and she rolls it into a fist to beat the dil. she is such a women who does not need to say a word - just hint and the sons will do it for her - even if she says jump out of the window on 13th floor - they will do it blindly - it is ruining my life and every chance of happiness that i may have - but her luck is toooooo goood - never seems to get over - so the husband feels that only his mother is right
Name:
,
Country: India
Name:
toBeFair,
Country: U.S.A.
it would be interesting and fair to see the other side of the arguments from teh husband's and mil perspective. it would truely bring things to a full circle and hopefully convey a fair outlook on joint families. a suggestion to the web editor is to create a similar posting / blog for husband and mils.
Name:
Dimple,
Country: U.S.A.
inmy case i know she is not bad but she thinks i am tooo bad, keeps saying everything negative about me to all.
me n my hubby live in ca, usa. n my in-laws in india. this is not my fault that her son cant live with her but she punishes me for not being abel to live with her son. she does not wants us to get setteled in india, and cant accept that my hubby keeps me happy.
i do not have a single bank a/c on my name not even in sharing taht in case these guys kick me off i can live on taht amt for untill i get on my feet for my baby n me, still she is not happy. i think tath i can do anything but to remain sad forever to make her happy czo i am the only dil for her and she might not see that if i get bad her life will be screwed. my culture n so called sanskar's dont allow me to do anything bad but to share with you all i watn to tell few stories here-
once me n she had lil hot chat, i am literature person so told her "never worry about u took bath or not if hungry then get in kitchen its fine, your thoughts are pure then bathed or not dosent matter" she took it as i told her that her thoughts are not good and told my hubby a teh same thing with bad words. she called him in a seprate room i was able to see that from kitchen, i clearly saw she ordered him to close the door by her eyes and he did so, after coming out he started yelling at me taht i am not good at all. i thing the person who cant keep his position at one place whogoes back to his mother like a dog and follows her signs too is just a dog not a good hubby. when you get married get ready to become a hubby while you are a son. and after becoming father atleast think about the lil one who loves you blindly dont understand ur tricks. thes "mavadias" are like that.
this year when we went to india she spoiled our tour me n my hubby faught many tiems, almost everytime we got alone we kept fighting on small small things, i was really not wanted it to be that way but if i keep silent everytime she will dominate me infront of my kids n others..to be cont...
Name:
Dimple,
Country: U.S.A.
asking help from others is not a solution i think "kick their butt"
has right suggestion, we look at their age and stop saying anything coz they might get hurt but this is not the way, like this we will be at their age and will be giving respect only and will spoil the one n only life.
live at your fullest dears, take off these tenssions and make urself free.
when you get affected by mil's acts or sayings then only it hurts na.. then comeon.. wake up and get busy with something creative something taht makes us happy not them, show them taht whatever they do our happiness and our life is not in their hands, her son is might be a doggie who gives his belt in her hands but not me..
hello i am happy and have all rights to be happy...
best luck..
Name:
Frustration,
Country: India
even after 10 years of marriage my mil didn't think i am member of family, i am working and my kids used to be with her whole day and some times it seems that she is taking my kids away from me , as every time my 3 years old son use dto say mummy gandi hai, and moreover every time she says i am telling every thing to my parents, she didn't lke my parents as well
Name:
Dimple,
Country: U.S.A.
continue earlier one.
i dont wish my kid to grow in such environment, she is a gal n she might get this impression of just being good to all whatever it takes, if it happens then this world of mil's is ready to take away our happiness so i want her to be very independent and so me too ready for any strong decision at anytime.
it costs a lot but then what is now is also costing a whole lot...
i certainly dont want my baby to follow the typical tredition.
Name:
Pallavi,
Country: India
some logical stuff i found in this article as compared to many other articles on this portal! but how many people live in india logically - try looking at this simple policy - live and let live! back in india people still follow the oppressive policy that god has bestowed them with a son - meaning that there exists a female who would be a puppet in their hands for her entire life to clean, work, care, and bear male children! she would be intelligent enough to earn good money (other name for dowry nowadays) but switch off her intelligence when seeing their misdeeds and ill-behaviors.
god i am not created for this hell and i am better off unmarried/divorced than living in hell.
believe me girls life is beautiful. live it peacefully and live it for your dreams. dont marry just for the sake that you want sons who will take care of you in your old age! else you will turn into same devils that your in-laws are. children are always for sharing love and not making them a means of money or support or old-age stick!
don't marry for the sake of society that it will not let you live peacefully as single/divorced women! and moreover, you women please don't raise brows against those women you have taken the decision to opt out of their in-laws hell and live life lovingly and peacefully! know that you may be tortured also some day!
Name:
Rani,
Country: Canada
i love ur article. i don't those days are over , where mil rule. we do respect oue elders but at the same time have a life to live too . we should put out foot down from day one and let our husband see what the mil are doing(creating problems) the day he see that he will stand up for you and back you up.
Name:
Rani,
Country: Canada
i love ur article. tthose days are over , where mil rule. we do respect our elders but at the same time have a life to live too . we should put out foot down from day one and let our husband see what the mil is doing(creating problems) the day he see that he will stand up for you and back you up.
Name:
Sidra,
Country: U.S.A.
i see many comments that we should treat our saas like our mother. this may help in some situations, but the thing is, with my mom i can disagree with her completely and argue back and forth until we reach a conclusion. it never is a war of egos, we know that we love each other. however, with a saas, true feelings often get covered up and they just simmer under the surface instead of being properly addressed. if they were addressed, then it would cause big drama. i am not married yet but whenever i ask my fiancee questions about his mom's routines (so i can sorta practice in advance) he gets mad at me saying i'm trying to cause trouble...i hate that because i am actually searching saas/bahu articles so i can try to be a perfect bahu. the problem is there are no uniform requirements...the uncertainty is the worst thing, i feel.
Name:
Test,
Country: France
test
Name:
Christian Part 1,
Country: France
i just finished reading your article but the comments that come along.
and i must admit that there is very little 'bahu' who love their "saas."
i have two questions to 'bahu' now:
(1) what kind of woman do you want for your boy, when age to marry?
(2) what kind of woman do you want to be your 'bahu'?
depending, of the response that you will bring to these two questions, you will directly or indirectly responses to the situation you cross yourself in your life, i think ...
human beings since its inception has ceased to be ungrateful. he always wanted more than what god gave him. the human being has created the needs, desires, rules, laws, desires, outside of what god has authorized. and he is now trapped by all his false claims and expectations it has imposed on itself, but mostly he tries to impose on others.
to my mind, and you can disagree with me on that.
the subject saas / bahu "is not a problem but it is a matter of education at the base.
the subject of "saas" and "bahu" is not new, but this is not a problem that god created the human being, but that human beings created himself.
i humbly believe that parents need to know to educate their daughters so that it draws feel like home, go home when her husband after marriage. he was regularly seen that girls are often high in two different ways according to their respective families.
(1) first, there are the girls that everything is allowed, if they are spoiled rotten. parents do not nothing. the upgrade is desire slightest. none of their actions or their speech is controlled. nothing is prohibited. she did not know the word 'no'. these girls there, in my view, have no concept of value and respect for another person or an object. now, when parents will marry their daughter and arrives at her beautiful family, i can assure you that peace in this hostel will be very short. the first victim will be the husband, whom she will deliver the wishes and requirements beyond its capabilities. and no respect or no satisfaction, it is going to pollute the life and words into deeds displaced often met hatred and insults and humiliation. then comes the turn of the beautiful family to suffer.
(2) second, there are girls whose parents forbid them or deny any such thing. everything is taboo at home. and they have only consolation is: when you're high and married, your husband subviendra this type of need for you. so this girl is eagerly awaiting the day when she can finally buy what it wants and to which it aspires. and after marriage, if her husband is unable to do so, he and his family will face the wrath of the girl.
what is understood by this, is not a criticism of women, but a major concern in education that we give to our children. and very often, parents forget to also give an education to their son so that he could later address his adult life, a husband and father effectively.
Name:
Ranchu,
Country: India
hi everyone,
just to add my own thoughts here....would not it be nice to ask the sons-in-law to stay in the woman's parents house as a joint family so that they will also know what it is to adjust when they suggest the woman to 'adjust'. why is it that because they are earning members that the sons' parents have to stay with them? so does it mean that if u do not earn u sit idly at home....is it? only when men understand that they are working in the office and the women are working at home will they understand that work of the family is shared. then y should the son's parents be privelged that they are allowed to stay with the son in the old age. there are many women who are earning equal to men who can also keep her parents with her...if money and earning are the criteria....any opinion about this, please....has any one thought on these lines??
Name:
troubled,
Country: Nepal
god. anyone. where is the solution?
has it worked for anyone?
Name:
Sanny,
Country: India
i seriously do not understand this....y is it that after the marriage the woman's parents are not allowed to interfere in the couple's family but the son's parents make it their primary task to do it? i seriously feel that there should be a change in the society's outlook. since marriage is needed for both men and women...let it be considered a partnership and friendly support for each other....our society is still giving the impression that the women are at the disposal of men after their marriage....my feeling is both of them should be a bridge to forge new realtionships on either side. only when the balance is equal companionship and respect will emerge...when there is superior and inferior status accorded it will never forge a healthy relationship....wife is not inferior in any way just because she is not necessarily an earning member..she is contributing to the family and that she has to respect it herself, before anyone else....
Name:
sr,
Country: India
pls. help me..i'm very depressed,& do not know what to do?this is the only place i can think of being helped.
we had a love marriage 7 yrs back.it was only after marriage that i discovered my husbands reluctance & fear to speak anything in front of his parents.
we had this huge financial difference...myself cmng frm fom a good business class family... & getting married in a lower class family was a big step i took.all marriage expenses were paid by my family.but even that was ok with me.
immediately after marriage i discoverd that my in-laws cud'nt even stand their son,forget giving love to me.
just 2 days staying with them...& we moved to another house.
i thought that aftr our baby things would improve,then our son was born,but then also neither my in-laws nor anyone from their family came to see the baby.
being highly qualified, i was doing my job,before our baby, & was doing pretty good..but after the baby i left my job, as i'd no one to take care of my baby.
4 yrs. have passed by...i feel so depressed....& sumtimes i really wish committing suicide...for not listening to my parents...as i cud have always been married at a better place.
doing all the chores, staying at home, doing all the household work... i feel as if i'm just waisting my life...
this loneliness has brought so much negative energy in my life, that has resulted in hormones imbalance & i'm not being able to concieve again....
i just cry & really do not know what to do.
keep blaming my husband & fighting over with him....for not taking a stand in front of his parents & not giving our due share of rights,respect & love to me, our son & even my husband for himself.
pls. help me.... this negativity is just killing me....
Name:
sr,
Country: India
pls. help me..i'm very depressed,& do not know what to do?this is the only place i can think of being helped.
we had a love marriage 7 yrs back.it was only after marriage that i discovered my husbands reluctance & fear to speak anything in front of his parents.
we had this huge financial difference...myself cmng frm fom a good business class family... & getting married in a lower class family was a big step i took.all marriage expenses were paid by my family.but even that was ok with me.
immediately after marriage i discoverd that my in-laws cud'nt even stand their son,forget giving love to me.
just 2 days staying with them...& we moved to another house.
i thought that aftr our baby things would improve,then our son was born,but then also neither my in-laws nor anyone from their family came to see the baby.
being highly qualified, i was doing my job,before our baby, & was doing pretty good..but after the baby i left my job, as i'd no one to take care of my baby.
4 yrs. have passed by...i feel so depressed....& sumtimes i really wish committing suicide...for not listening to my parents...as i cud have always been married at a better place.
doing all the chores, staying at home, doing all the household work... i feel as if i'm just waisting my life...
this loneliness has brought so much negative energy in my life, that has resulted in hormones imbalance & i'm not being able to concieve again....
i just cry & really do not know what to do.
keep blaming my husband & fighting over with him....for not taking a stand in front of his parents & not giving our due share of rights,respect & love to me, our son & even my husband for himself.
pls. help me.... this negativity is just killing me....
Name:
anuja,
Country: India
this article is very good for creating understanding in husbands.
Name:
a bahu,
Country: United Kingdom
my hubby is scared of standing up to his parents. they keep complaining about me all the time behind my back (which my hubby agrees also!). if i ask him he tells i am really changed and not a mamma's boy and yet in every action i see a scared mamma's boy. we are in uk and leaving for a 3 week hols to india. my hubby first told your mom can come to uk we can stay 3 week in my place. i am like why will my mom come here spending her money just coz your parents want to spend all time with you. then he told me to spend 3 weeks in his place and then later extend my holiday spend time at my place and then come all alone with my kid back to uk. i told him that enough is enough i am not going back again alone we are doing it together. i expect him to be fair and spend half the time at my place and half at his. but now his parents are putting excuse that they are not keeping well so he will stay at his parents place for the most part of the 3 weeks. i have finally put my foot down and refused to extend my stay beyond a week. if he can't stay with my parent why should i stay with his unnecessarily just because i am a girl his parents expect i should sacrifice everything and do seva to them! i've had it with my husband as well who is just being mamma's boy and getting scared and trying to extend my trip instead of just asking me to stay with my mom who is all alone! how can i live with a person like this anymore? is it worth it i wonder when it is very clear he doesn't think anything beyond his parents!!!! his mom does not even respect him or listen to him. she wears all my sarees which i have left in the cupboard and this despite her son telling don't wear her sarees. its not like she doesn't have enough she has so many but still she will take all my sarees new ones including and wear them. she always complains about the way we bring up our child and compare to other kids eating habbits. and to end it all the way she manipulates my husband she is god damn nearing 60 years old and crying to my husband i don't have a father and my brothers are also dead what will i do? i felt like asking her your husband is alive na? or he also is dead. damn it all...i just feel like leaving my husband but that would only make her happy because that is what she wants at the end of the day!!!
