Divorce is traumatic both for the parents and the children. Children are most affected as they are torn between their parents. Children have to choose one parent over the other and this can be very traumatic as children are attached to both the parents.
Pawns in the game
Vinita Panjabi recalls, "When Sanjay and I decided to get a divorce, I think we fought the most about who would keep the children. I remember being so angry and hurt that I wanted to hit back in any way possible. I just wanted to leave and take my children with me so that I could forget that I had ever been married to him."
Divorce is usually a bitter and acrimonious process. Desperate to get out of a bad marriage and to hurt each other as much as possible, couples become blind to the needs of their children. Children often become pawns in the game of one-upmanship that often accompanies divorce proceedings. Divorce spells the end of a couple's relationship as husband and wife. However, it does not mean that they are divorced from their children. That's one relationship that continues "till death do you part." Even after you are divorced, you and your spouse will play an important role in your children's lives, unless one of you totally gives up the responsibility of being a parent.
The trauma of divorce
How many times have you heard people say that they stayed together because of the children? While divorce is no piece of cake for the parents, it can be truly traumatic for the children. Children are probably the most affected by a divorce, but this is a matter in which they have no say. Everything is in a state of flux and there is no security or stability in their lives.
Children always feel that divorce is something that happens to other people and that their parents will be together forever. In a divorce, children find themselves torn between their parents. Occasionally, they are made to choose who they would prefer to live with and one can only imagine what a heart-wrenching decision that must be. Overnight one parent becomes a visitor in their lives. They often hear one parent badmouthing the other. They're not sure which parent is the 'good guy' and which the bad. For children who see everything in black and white, the shades of grey associated with a divorce are beyond their comprehension. Lack of understanding about the reason for this catastrophe coupled with evasive explanations from their parents leave them wondering if perhaps they were to blame. They will always feel that they are part of an incomplete family and are missing out on something. It's even more bewildering if one parent remarries. Now they have to cope with adjusting to accepting a complete stranger as their 'mother' or 'father'. No wonder children wish their parents would stay together no matter how bad things are.
Shared parenting
Divorce is an ugly word. And when children are involved it's not just ugly, it's messy. Most people decide to get a divorce after much deliberation and because they see no other way out. However, a divorce is rarely as clean a break as they expect. If a couple has children, there is no way that they will be absolutely free of each other, even after a divorce.
For the sake of the children, you and your spouse should try not to take an adversarial approach. Try to sit across the table from each other and make decisions regarding your lives and your children's lives keeping everyone's best interests in mind.
Even if you're not married to each other any more, you should try to share the parenting. You should aim to develop a parenting plan that will ensure that the children will be able to spend sufficient time with both parents, to benefit from their love, affection, influence, support, and ideas. Whatever decisions you take should disrupt the children's lives as little as possible. Life should go on as before as far as possible. Your anger and resentment should take a backseat when it comes to making financial arrangements. There is no point cutting off your spouse's money supply if it is going to affect your children as well. Remember that they are not to blame. It would be ideal if both spouses would agree that all major decisions regarding the children should be taken jointly. The fact is that a divorce is as acrimonious as the people involved make it. If you choose to be amicable, it will just make it that much easier for you and your children to cope with the divorce and its aftermath.
Name:
Tanya
Country: India
I got married to a wrong person, he was a fraud and had takn money from anyone he could find...he has been cheated me...in this case divorce is better
Name:
sherlin
Country: U.S.A.
When attempts at processing the fear structures follow, traumatic reactions reliably occur. In order that we may circumvent these problems, it is important for children to discuss their concerns following the divorce in an environment that facilitates exposure in a fashion that is not traumatizing.
Name:
Mother
Country: Canada
i feel like crying when i think about what our arguing is doing to our son. send some prayers my way, any prayer will do
Name:
GAIL
Country: India
i agree that you should never fight in front of your children.they will grow up thinking that is a good thing to do
Name:
Jenna
Country: USA
i believe this has a affect on your child such as these.
1. children learn from parents actions
2. think it's their fault
3. adds stress
4. they feel like their not wanted
5. they feel fear
6. they aviod problems
7. creates worries
8. feels guilty
so remember you not only hurting your self you hurting you children/child to.
Name:
Suzanne
Country: USA
some men or women just cant't let it go. even when they know their child is listening. and that is not right.
Name:
kid
Country: USA
as a child who listens to her parents fight all the time, it really messes up your relationships because you have never seen a stable one
Name:
me
Country: USA
i m a kid and i think i should i put my thoughts: what it feels like is axes stabbing into my heart and the blood pouring out with every breath i take and i feel like my intestins have knotted up
Name:
Diane
Country: USA
i have been a single parent for the last 6 yrs. and before i broke up with my ex, we used to fight all the time infront of my children, infact that was the reason i had to leave the situation. my kids still very much remember the fighting, and are both affected by it now. they are both in counseling and my son is very aggressive. this is a life impacting subject. you think that a little argument won't hurt, but it actually does. my daughter is attracted to bad boys, and my son is very aggressive. please don't argue in front of your kids, you will pay dearly in the future!
Name:
david clark
Country: USA
wat a poor website
Name:
Karen
Country: USA
always remember, fighting in front of your children changes who they are! i am the product of that and i'm 46 yrs old , i am divorced and know nothing about having a healthy relationship because of what my parents did to me as a child. fighting in front of me , changed me, and not for the better. you lose self confidence, you don't excell in school and god knows you don't know how to have a normal realtionshope with anyone!
Name:
jill
Country: England
excellent site - would you exchange web links with my family site? please visit
Name:
NEW GIRLFRIEND
Country: USA
i am the new girlfriend. my boyfriend is a divorced (for 2 yrs) single father of son age 5. his son's mother has not only been uncooperative with co-parenting, she screams and yells at my boyfriend when he calls to say goodnight to his son every night. he hears her screaches and can't hear his son tell him how much he hates the way mommy yells all the time at him and at daddy when he calls to talk to daddy. if my boyfriend and i have plans on a non scheduled visitation day (he sees his son all but 2 days out of the week) and the ex wife suspects he has plans, she will have their son call daddy up and say daddy i want to come over; and if my boyfriend says that he wont' be home, but daddy will call him later to talk, the ex wife screaches that daddy loves his girlfriend more than you, and daddy would rather spend the day with his girlfriend rather than you. so she has seriously caused tension with us. we only see eachother every 10 days or so, for now. we havent' met eachothers' kids yet, as i have an 8 year old. my boyfriend and i do feel it will soon be time for the kids to meet. i just am a little scared for his little boy because i don't want the mother to poison his impressionable little mind, and say awful things to him. i do feel that our kids will get along great, they are both good kids. so i am looking forward to the introduction and keeping an open mind about all of us spending time together. i think it will enhance our relationship and allow us to spend more time together. we live about 2 hours apart, too. so that doesnt' make it easy. any suggestions on how i can be (as a new woman in his life) handling this situation, be more understanding, which i am doing a pretty decent job of; and how to be supportive and comforting to my boyfriend when his ex wife is being so negative and resentful and hurtful towards their son and my boyfriend?
Name:
jeanette
Country: Canada
screaming and yelling in front of your children can be traumatising for them. if the parents feel they cannot stop or fight more productively than perhaps its time to think about separation. the children have to come first!!
Name:
melinda
Country: USA
when we argued in front of our 2-yr-old son, he woke up in the middle of the night screaming and scared and inconsolable. fighting in front of your children is a truly damamging and shameful thing to do.
Name:
I was a kid
Country: usa
my parents fought and cheated on each other but did end up staying together. they put me and my siblings in the middle of it and used us to get at each other. as a way of trying to cope with this and trying to make both of them happier, i struggled to be perfect and developed anorexia and bulimia. i almost died as a result of it and was hospitalized numerous times. nobody sees the internal struggles that parents can cause their children. if you don't want your child to go through something like this, stop fighting in front of them. it's really not that difficult. grow up and act like the adults you supposedly are and stop trying to hurt each other, but instead try to have a better approach. you tell kids not to fight with each other and we get in trouble if we do, so who is watching you to get you in trouble when you fight?
Name:
new girlfriend
Country: usa
my boyfriend's ex wife is a slutty bitch and their daughter is turning out just like her.....why the hell cant those two just disappear forever????
Name:
Sarah
Country: usa
as a child, the amount of time i spent huddled in front of my parents' bedroom door as they "duked it out" could easily be measured in weeks. i remember chasing my dad's truck down the street when he left (he always came back), and watching my mother tip over the christmas tree she so dearly loved in order to outwardly manifest her hate. my parents stayed together -though god knows why - but only to everyone's detriment. it changed me forever, and i am less of a person today, at 23, than i would have been if they'd just kept their arguments private.
Name:
Jen
Country: usa
my boyfriend's mom of about a year now still doesn't want to meet me because she thinks i was the reason for her sons divorce. she's best friends with his ex and takes every opportunity to schedule events so they can still be one big happy family. now she is doing things with her ex-daughter-in-law and her new boyfriend and still won't even let me in her driveway. there's a little girl who's 5 that loves being with me, but wonders why i can't meet grandma. my boyfriend won't let himself love me 100% because without his mom's acceptance he's having a really hard time. what do i do at this point?
Name:
ANITA
Country: usa
coming from a family of violence were i witnessed my father bashing my mom's head in floors..etc... and very abusive to me, i know all to well or do i....my father always told me i would never be anything and noone would ever love me, i have always been attracted to bad boys, i have never fully had confidence in myself, i have always doubted what i can do and if i am deservant of a good man, well now at 33 i am in a very violent and abusive relationship with a controlling man and have 2 children who are suffering at his hands. it is a terrible place to be in and i do not feel anyone should put their kids through this.. i am trying desperately to get out of this situation... i know it is only damaging me and my kids... please keep us in your prayers...
Name:
Me
Country: usa
if your gonna fight in front of your kids on a regular basis....then you dont are about them!
Name:
Richard
Country: usa
i am concerned about my wife and i fighting in front of my daughter but wonder what i alone can do about it. my wife is constantly yelling and criticising me and it seems to me that my choices are:
a) defend myself
b) ignore it or at least avoid
responding in anger
if i choose to defend myself, it quickly escalates into a screaming match or, if i am able to remain calm, a long screaming tirade from her attacking me.
if i choose not to defend myself, my daughter starts defending me and my wife ridicules me for not being able to take care of myself.
my concern is what is best for my daughter. i am afraid that either way i am modelling behavior that is not good for her and, in the second case, she ends up taking on an adult role that is inappropriate and will be damaging. am i missing something? is there another choice? does anyone have any ideas what i should do?
Name:
Amanda
Country: usa
dont fight in front of your children its not healthy and they loose self confidence in their selves. it damages their lives later in life.
