You have one child, and now have the
opportunity to choose when to have the second. In the days of yore, when
our grandparents had as many as 5 or 10 children, the agegap between the
eldest and youngest was anywhere between 6 to 26 years. Those were the
pre-pill days, when contraception was not as widely used as it is now.
So today, how many years spacing between children would be ideal? What
are the things you should consider?
"I have an 8 year old son.
We used to live with my in-laws in a joint family, but moved out a while
ago, and are now a nuclear family. I now want to have a second child. Will
the agegap between my children be too much?"
- Namita Sadarangani
First of all, there is no 'ideal'
age gap. What age gap is ideal depends upon your individual circumstances.
There are certain advantages to a small age gap, and to a large age gap.
It makes sense to consider the pros and cons of both, and then to decide
what is best for you.
Advantages of a larger
age gap
If Namita starts planning for a child
now, the agegap between her two children will probably be 9 years. While
that may seem like a large age gap at this stage, consider that when her
elder child will be 29, the younger will be 20, and at that stage the agegap will not seem to be so much. In addition, the elder child will be able
to pass on expert advice in terms of career, personality development and
relationships to his younger brother or sister. If he is well settled at
the age of 30, he will be able to take his sibling under his wing, and
give him or her a good career head start.
Her body has by now completely recovered
from giving birth, and she has had time to nurture herself and get back into shape, ready to give birth a second time.
In another ten to fifteen years,
when her firstborn has moved out of the house, started work in another
city, or gone abroad for further studies, she will start feeling the first
pangs of loneliness. If she has a second child, she will have another ten
years of joy and fulfillment as she watch him or her grow.
If there is a larger age gap between
siblings, the younger sibling gets to mix with the elder sibling's friends,
which is always a good experience for him. Younger kids enjoy hanging out
with older kids, and they also pick up a lot from them (good and bad!),
The older child feels as though he
is 'in charge' of his younger brother or sister. This inculcates a feeling
of responsibility and nurturing in the firstborn.
If the agegap is a little more,
then one child could be in school, while you attend to the second child.
In addition, the elder child would have had his share of individual attention
before his sibling was born.
If the agegap is less, a parent
would not be able to get to know each child as an individual, with likes
and dislikes separate from his sibling. In cases of a larger age gap, parents
can enjoy and get to know each child as an individual.
Advantages of a smaller
age gap
While it would be difficult raising
young children with a minimal age gap on your own, it gets easier if you
enlist the support of family and friends. If you have an expert helper
or maid to help you raise the children and look after them, you could definitely
consider having two children close together.
You could spend time with the both
of them together, send them for classes at the same time, and they will
be great company for each other.
They will have common friends, and
will learn to share things with each other. They will be able to play with
the same toys, and with each other.
There will rarely be a moment of
loneliness for the children, as they would be living with their best friend.
The children would, in all likelihood,
have similar interests.
An older child, who has been an only
child for a long time, would find it harder to adjust to a new sibling,
as opposed to a younger child.
In addition, if a mother has a second
child within a couple of years of the first, she is already in the correct
frame of mind. Changing diapers, running around her toddler, are all second
nature to her. If she waits for around three years, and then gets back
to it, she'll probably feel as if she's 'back to square one', but this
way, she can have two children close together and then she is 'free' of
babyhood after around 4 years, as opposed to 8 years.
Whatever you decide, remember that
relationships between siblings can turn out to be great, whatever the configuration.
Figure out what suits you best, keeping time, emotional and economic factors
in mind, and then plan ahead.
Name:
shailaja
Country: India
the perfect age gap between children is 3 yrs
Name:
shailaja
Country: India
the perfect age gap between children is 3 yrs
Name:
sdf
Country: Madagascar
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Name:
Momofgab
Country: Philippines
hi! my son is now 14 months old and my husband and i are talking about having another child again by the time my son gets 2 yrs. we only want to have 2 kids so i think the age gap is ok. im turning 34 this year and i want to see my kids all grown up by the time i reach 55 or 60.
Name:
mini
Country: India
i am planing for my second child and my first child is 8y old . this artical is very helpful for me to decide positively.
Name:
Niyati
Country: India
spacing the age gap between the two children is important. firstly the mother needs to recover from her previous pregancy and secondly the child's emotional, psychological and physical growth should not be hampered in a rush to have a second baby. after all its the quality time, unconditional love and affection and bonding of husband and wife with each other and the child is the most which matters. any compromise on the above will only leave you with a guilt of not being a wonderful parent. i guess this issue of spacing the child gap is very critical..but it's all in the mind. just go by your inner feeling....listen to your own self!! rest god is there to equip you with the neccessary challenges coming ahead.
Name:
anand
Country: India
hai sir
i have small boy 9 month old.basically i am want to make him cleavre and brillant.what are ways to make him active.
Name:
radhika
Country: India
i am having only 2 dauters what should i do ? i m really confused should i go for 3 rd. as in india a baby boy is needed for old life also for running your family business ???? help me out
Name:
Sagira
Country: U.S.A.
my son turned three in september and we're trying, so if we succeed this month the age gap will be 3 years and 10 months, which i think is great! my son breastfeeds and before this age really was very attached to me and seems to need me a lot. that's why we waited to try to conceive until now. child spacing depends on many things, including the first child's personality, personal and financial situations, health and a feeling of readiness!
Name:
christy
Country: U.S.A.
i have 3 boys. a six,three,and 2yrs old. i feel as if my time is given to my two youngest more then my oldest. i suggest haveing them closer together for that reason.i do have to say that my six year old is a straight a stdent and i do help him everday of the week. its a lot of work to have two kids so close together but, in the end its worth it my 2 year old has been able to talk in complete sentences since i don't know when and my three year old picks up on everthing his brother is learning he already knows his home address so to me its all worth it to have kids so close together and a 6 year old helps out a lot. i love my boys and wouldn't trade them for the world.
Name:
Meera
Country: India
hello i have a 5 and 1/2 years old daughter. recently i had a miscarriage after completing 21 weeks, after that i have become very much short temper. now i am really confused whether to have second baby or not, am i able to handle them or not!! please advice
Name:
alison
Country: usa
just because your marriage isnt working dosent mean to abort him/her when i got pregnant with my 4 year old my xboyfriend left me. now im with my soon to be husband im 3 mounths pregnant
Name:
alison
Country: usa
i have a 4 year old daughter and i found out im 3 mounths pregnant my soon to be husband knows. i know this is going to be hard for me. im so excited about haveing a baby 2 more mounths i can tell if my baby is a boy or girl.
Name:
Rae
Country: usa
i have 3 kids, the first 2 are 14 months apart in age. we tried 3 times prior to our first child to carry full term, but miscarried all 3 times. i got pregnent again in 2001 and had my daughter in 2002, she will be 4 in a week! shortley after having her we moved to england and after just a few months we concieved or second daughter now 2 1/2 will be 3 in 2 months. i was so excited just to be able to have the first one, that when we got pregnant with the 2nd we didn't even think twice. i was nervous about possible misscarring again, but after the 3rd trimester all worries were gone. it wasn't long after she was born that we talked about when we wanted to have our next kid, we had been pregnant 5 times and married only 3 years...obviously fertal. i had to have surgery and couldn't allow myself to be pregnant so i got an non-hermonal iud. but as soon as i healed from my surgery i had my iud removed and wouldn't you know it i got pregnant the same day!!! wow.. no joke...exact science. now i have a beautiful baby boy who is 6 months old! my kids are all close in age and i wouldn't change it for the world. my two toddlers love the baby and are very helpful, but spend most of their day fighting with eachother or loveing and playing with eachother. i will not be having any more kids because i can't physically handle being pregnant again. 6 pregnancies is alot, but i am just happy and in love with the 3 i was blessed with. more would be great, but my body has given up on me and our finances don't even allow for us to have our own home. we are living in 2 bedrooms in our family's home. tight quarters are not a good thing for everybody. love my family, but need my own space and i want to raise my own kids...i don't like the grandparents trying to replace me.
Name:
Princefan
Country: usa
well, i have a 13 month old and i'm 2 weeks pregnant. we are talking about aborting because our marriage is not so great lately. we want to try to make it work but feel a new baby will just end us. as for the spacing, it'd be perfect if our marriage were healthy.
but it's not. so what should we do???? i have no clue. and i need to decide this week.
Name:
Angelina
Country: australia
i am one of 15. we are mostly 1 or 2 years apart. being so close in age made for an amazing childhood! none of us feel that our parents had 'very little time to get to know us'. we have all been able to get to know our parents and aunts and uncles and grandparents (and cousins) very well, as they have all made time for us - we have never been, nor will be a nuclear family - our elders are in great demand, because we all want them to help pass on the traditions and culture. we enjoyed our childhood, with a mother who stayed at home even now while the youngest has just started uni. my parents are now retired, and looking after their growing number of grandchildren (the 57th grandchild is due in two months, with more on the way). their only regret (as they have told us a number of times) is that they got married late in life, and thus were able to have only 15 children - we are strongly catholic. my siblings and i are having large families, and cannot imagine living in the tiny families like some of our in-laws and neighbours - 1 or 2 children in massive, but empty, houses! also, (as an experienced teacher), the children from larger families are usually more sociable, and i have to say, not one of us has ever suffered from depression. perhaps it is more difficult in india, but the relatives who have been back seem to think times were a lot harder during their childhoods in india around ww1/ww2, but they still lived happy lives, and their parents were still able to afford music lessons, and send them to private schools, and universities, etc. i just happened upon this site, and am shocked that people seem to put a price to having a child, and would rather kill their own flesh and blood, so that they can have more comfort in material things. if you want happiness, for life, have more children. do not supress your natural urges to have another child - how can we all claim to be liberated women if we have to supress our desire for children. we are made, from a biological standpoint, to bear children, and are quite capable of doing so and coping very well mentally. it just seems that women from my generation onwards are being conditioned to believe that child rearing is a burden, and an economic disaster. take it from someone who has experience - children are the fruit of love and never a burden, and certainly far from an economic disaster (especially when the older ones start working, and of course necessities work out cheaper bought in bulk). my parents are retired, and do not collect a government pension. we support them, and they live very comfortably, in the large family home we grew up in, with my eldest brother and his wife and 11 children, and an assortment of other relatives.
want more details, email me: happy_jilly_jill@yahoo .co.uk
Name:
Bimal
Country: nepal
sometimes, if the children's age gap is less, then parents may feel a trouble in allowing them to share available resources. so, they will have a quarrel much often.
Name:
Honest
Country: india
hi... i have a 19 month old baby girl. i got pregnanct accidently when she was 15 months old. i just was not ready for it... after a lot of talks over & over i thought of going ahead with it. but the anger & furstation of having a baby which i'm not ready for, was taken out on my baby. i changed my mind & aborted, 'cos i didnt want to bring up a child by even a single thought of not being wanted. i think we made a wise choice. i'll be conceving soon.
Name:
confused
Country: india
i have a 4.2yrs old daughter.we wanted only one so that we can fulfill all her needs and demands.but now she feels lonely and asks me to bring a baby for her to play with.if i deliver a baby now the difference will be at least 5yrs.i fear that the elder one might end up being a second mom to the new one .
Name:
Lesley
Country: usa
hello fellow mommies. i have a 1 year old and i am also 7 months pregnant. it makes them 13 months apart. the second was an "oops" but i have accepted it and look forward to the challenge. my family sibling's ages are: 28, 26, 21, 17 & 17 (twins), and 13. i am 14 years older than my youngest sibling, and 2 years younger than my oldest brother. (i was born 2nd) the spacing will work, depends on the parenting. i however, would rather have my kids close together, and get it over with...ha ha. although i notice most people say they regret not spending "enough time with the eldest kids" when they have another so close, i am exactly the opposite. i regret that i will not get to spend as much time with the 2nd as i did with the first. i mean, she had a year of me all to herself, now with my boy, he will never have that. that is just the way things are. i am looking forward to seeing them interact, and i know and understand that it is up to me as a parent to teach them to grow together. 2 kids in 2 years, now i can get skinny again and stay that way...ha ha. best of luck to everyone!
Name:
tania
Country: mexico
hi, i'm 27 with a 9 months old baby, i'm not sure if i want mi baby to have a sibiling by age 2 or 3 but since i have only one brother 9 years older than me i think that its best to have vhildren close enough so they'll be able to share more as friends, and deminish the responsability that the oldest one feels for being like a role model or so. if somone has advises on the diference between getting a second child when your frist is 2 o 3 please let me know, i understand that 2 is a hard stage because is when they are leaving dipers and they start talking more fluently
Name:
Jamie
Country: usa
we have a 16 1/2 month old daughter and are thinking about having another one sometime soon.i am hung up on the age gap and don't know what would be better, 2.5 years or closer to 3 years? i guess there is no real answer and i just have to stop worring about it so much, but reading everyone elses response really helped to see what others were doing.
Name:
Cari
Country: usa
i am 10 weeks pregnant and i have a 6 month old son. the pregnancy was a complete surprise (i was on the pill). i'm worried for a few different reasons; will the baby take so much of my that i won't spend enough time with my son? i haven't lost the baby weight from my first pregnancy how hard is it going to be to lose double the weight? there are more questions on my mind but this would probably be a book by the time i was done. i know they are silly questions but can anyone relate? please help. dragonsfairy78@hotma il.com
Name:
toya
Country: usa
i have two boys,that are twelve months apart,ages two and three.it took quite a while for my oldest to get used to having a baby brother,but now they play well together & act as if they are the best of friends.i wouldn't have it any other way! toya (26 yrs old)
Name:
Jennifer
Country: usa
my son just turned one this month so i have been talking to my husband about having another. we would like our kids to be close in age and share the same interest. my husband is very concerned however that my oldest will not recieve adaquate attention if he is made the big brother to soon. i think jealousy is always a factor with a new baby and that they will grow to be close friends. any advice?
