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Thread: Abused and confused - Please advise

  1. #1

    Abused and confused - Please advise

    I have been married for more than 2.5 years now. I am a working woman. Mine was an arranged marriage via matrimonial website. In the matrimonial profile as well as during our 3 months of courtship before our wedding, my husband had told me that his family were liberal in their views and were not traditional. I had promised to live in a joint family along with his newly widowed mother (his father had passed away just 1 year before the proposal ) and younger brother (also working). I also liked the idea of living in a joint family since I had lived in a huge joint family in unity, until I was 20-years-old. My husband had told me that his maternal bachelor uncle (MIL's younger brother) was staying with them to be around my insecure MIL while her sons went to work.
    My husband was loving and affectionate during our courtship period before the wedding although he had mentioned to me that he can get reserved and moody. But, I had not seen that side of him until our marriage. My husband had told me that he was an occasional smoker and drinker. I had questioned him on the frequency of it and he told me that he smoked and drank very rarely in social gatherings for fun. It did worry me his answer was vague but I trusted that it was not a habit.
    During our wedding I noticed that although all his relatives turned up to wish us, they never even stayed until the end of the function. It seemed like there was some sort of discord amidst them. Anyway, we got married and I moved into his house. Life was good only for the first 2 days. However, the 2nd night my husband took that maternal uncle of his outside on the pretext of buying some household stuff and did not return for 3 hours until 10:30pm. After which they both returned home fully intoxicated with alcohol. I felt shattered, betrayed and I cried. My MIL consoled me but my husband got furious and asked me to shut up and not make a fuss of a "silly" issue. My husband started showing me that cold side of him gradually over the weeks and months. He seemed so emotionally dead even when we were intimate. He would always complain and be distressed about his work. He would never smile or talk to me kindly. He never shared his financial details with me. He would always leave the bedroom door open every night saying that since he was the man of the house, he should keep it open for safety. He would totally ignore me on all the weekdays. He showed no interest in having children. He started abusing me calling me stupid and immature when I used to seek his time, communication and affection. He started saying that he had no “benefit” from me without directly saying what his expectation was. So I assumed that he may be expecting me to share my salary so I started depositing about 1/3rd of my salary in his account and started taking care of all the house hold expenses. My husband never acknowledged it. He would go on with his work all week and wait for weekends to enjoy his drink with his uncle. But whenever he had had a drink he would talk to me with lots of love, affection and intimacy, and tell me how depressed he feels without his father and how he was betrayed by his relatives during hard times. He even used to apologise to me about his reserved behaviour and many a times he even asked me adjust with him saying that he has to be that way because his mother would feel insecure about us getting close since she has no one else other than her 2 sons. He even told me that his mother had been through a lot of hardship in life with his father and her in-laws. I never discussed these things with my MIL since I thought it might break my husband’s trust on me. I so wanted to be a good daughter-in-law and understand my MIL’s plight and adjusted for the sake of harmony at home and to make my husband happy.
    I believe that my husband and also my BIL, are psychologically impacted due the discord between their parents and so they try hard to keep their mother happy now. However, I cannot say that my MIL must have been innocent. Theirs was a love marriage. My MIL is a pessimist and always wears a frown on her face and one can never make her happy. I used to try hard to bring a smile on her face by cooking what she likes, keeping the house neat and tidy, playing music and movies for her, talk to her everyday when I got back from work, took care of her health, took her shopping and to beauty parlours (yes, she was used to going every fortnight), gave her massages whenever she was in any pain etc. Nothing bore fruit. My MIL, I should say is a very stylish woman with a good collection of sarees and make-up. She was good at all the house hold stuff. I used to learn cooking and home making from her and changed my ways to suit hers. She was very possessive of the kitchen and although she would not stop me from cooking, she would leave me there alone. She would always intrude between me and my husband like sitting in between us wherever we go. My husband would always discuss everything only in the presence of his mother and never talk to me about anything in private. My MIL sometimes indirectly hurts me with some comments which will make me look down on myself e.g: other girls appearances, skin colour, qualification etc. Also, she will tell me to do shopping or give her a massage or finish other house hold stuff etc. before my husband comes home from work. She would explain to me that if my husband sees me doing all that then he would get upset with my MIL saying that she is making me do such work. I knew that it was all just games that she was playing but I didn’t know how to deal with it since I had to be respectful towards her. She would never tell my husband about how good I am with her. She would ask me about my problems with my husband and when I trust her and tell her a few things she would not advise her son but would rather ask me to “play my cards smartly”.
    In November last year, after 2 years of our marriage, I became pregnant unexpectedly as a result of my husband’s drunken acts. I had informed my husband about my symptoms, for which he told me that nothing could have happened. However, to confirm the same I took a test by my own accord and found out that I was pregnant. I was elated but I informed my MIL first about it since I was in fear that my husband was not expecting it. However, I did tell it to him later that day and he showed no interest in talking to me about it. He had a drink that night and asked me how I found out about the pregnancy and why I told his mother before telling him. When I told him about the test that I took, he verbally abused me. I was so hurt and stressed about how he was hurting me on what was supposed to be the best day of my life that I lost my cool and retaliated. He then physically abused me in an intoxicated state in our room. I was very hurt and heartbroken about such ruthless behaviour and called my parents. Seeing my beaten up state and knowing about my pregnancy they were hurt and took me home with them. My husband and MIL never bothered to call me. They went about saying that I do things without my husband’s consent and used bad language on my husband, which is not how a wife should behave. I was very depressed as I was pregnant and was not having any support from my husband. My MIL never supported me all throughout although she knew very well how badly I was being treated by my husband for no fault of mine. To worsen my problems, in the 11th week I underwent a miscarriage. My parents initiated marriage counselling for me and my husband. I apologised to my husband about using bad words. But he never paid heed to anything that our counsellor used to advice and never took responsibility of any of our problems. He only managed to convince my parents that such an incident will not happen again and took me back home. He was still being the same and he then started avoiding my parents saying he did not like the fact that the intruded into our problem. After 2 months, one day he asked me to quit my job saying that I should take care of my health so that we can try for a kid after a few months. I did not agree to it since he had never done anything for me ever and in spite of all that I used to do he used to call me “useless”. He’s even secretive about his salary and finances. I cannot trust that he will take care of me and support me. Need I say that I am afraid to even ask him for anything without fear for being rebuked or ignored. So I took him with me to visit a doctor in order to convince him that it was ok for me to work. The doctor told him the same. Yet, my husband was very adamant about it and asked me to get out of the house. My MIL was taking his side. When I confronted saying he had no right to ask me to leave, he threatened me saying that if I stayed there then he would move out. I felt so helpless and hurt about being treated so badly in spite of being so tolerant and dutiful. I called my parents to talk to my husband. He said he had no business discussion the issues with my parents and that they were not supposed to interfere in any of our problems. I left my marital home that day and have not heard from my husband since then. It’s been 6 months now and he does not bother answering my call or my parents call too. None of his relatives also can help in reconciling us. I know I don’t deserve such a person as a husband and should end this meaningless marriage. But I am also worried for my brother who has to get married, for my parent’s and about the society. I do not know how to deal with this.
    Please advise.

  2. #2
    Hi,

    I feel so much for you. you really have put up a brave face inspite of everything being at your odds. I applaud your courage and resilience but I think now you must take a stand. Facing the behaviour of your husband and his mother every time is not the solution. They will think that you are weak. You must put up against injustice. You have indeed tried very hard to adjust to your marital home, trying to keep every one happy but sadly your efforts bore no results. In spite of doing everything possible for your husband, his mother and family, they never acknowledged your efforts and I know how bad it must be feeling to you. You have left your marital home and its six months but still they are not bothered, then why should this bother you. you have been the best wife, best DIL but they have never appreciated you.

    The best possible solution is to separate from your husband. You will get peace of mind and I am sure that pretty soon you will get over this bad marriage and start life afresh. You will also get a better life partner who will understand you. Don't bother about thye society as it's your life. Go the way you want.

  3. #3
    Hi Priyanka!
    Thanks so much for understanding my situation. Yes, I am contemplating in the same lines like you have suggested since I have gone through a lot and tolerated too much. Also, I am being treated for depression and anxiety.
    But at some corner of my heart I feel I should give my marriage a second chance. Because, I know my husband behaves this way since he is troubled in his mind and feels insecure due to happenings of his past and the rejections he has faced in his past. I feel sorry for my husband. I feel I may be able to change him with my love and affection, provided that I reside with him separately and take care of all his needs. I say this because my husband has the habit of clinging to his mother while trying to ignore and neglect me. I do not intend to break his family and I understand his mother is widowed. But due to her insecurities she tends to do things that worsen my relationship with my husband. I never get privacy with him to show him my love and gain his confidence by being there for him in all ways. Also, with regard to my future, I am afraid whether I can trust anyone ever again. SO I wish I can make this marriage work. My religion also allows for me to seek to live separately with my husband and ask my MIL to stay with my BIL. Atleast for a few months. But, my husband will not understand my intension correctly. Being a vindictive person that he is, he may try to take revenge and hurt if I take him separately. He never gives me a chance to explain myself. But, I have invested so much of emotions on my husband that I am finding it hard to just let go of him.
    My therapist is asking me to divert my mind and focus on work for the time being. But, my depression is affecting my work and I just find it so hard to focus. I am 29 and from a conservative back gorund. I am worried for my future. I feel so hopeless and have lost all my confidence and health physically and mentally. I hope this hard time will soon pass and that I can take a decision with a strong and clear heart and mind.

  4. #4
    Sherine there is lots to say to you in terms of advice but i will refrain myself cause sometimes this so called advice may influence you and make matters more confusing.

    However my experience ( which is not a good one either but i m suffering it cause of my son) says that even if you wanted to make this relationship work, it would not cause you surely must be a favorite one of God. It does not make any sense in going back there to suffer more abuse. Honestly if my wife would have done half of what you mentioned you did she would be enjoying praises to no end. But i guess not all are lucky. Things would be more complicated if you had already begun a family.... like me.

    Society.... you cant be worrying about society cause where was this society when you were being abused?? Where was this society since the last six months when even after all abuse you still want to try to work things and got no response. As Priyanka mentioned Salute to your courage girl.
    My advice to you is live your way without the fear of society and this society will fear you. God bless you always as he has in the past n continues to do so forever.

  5. #5
    Thanks Sherin for giving a thought to what I said. Indeed its your life and you have the right to live the way you want. I am happy that you are giving a second chance to your marriage. It is indeed commendable to give a thought and try to save your marriage even after going through so much. Its worth giving a try then regretting later. Its good that you understand the psychology of your husband and his mother. You surely can overcome this phase of your married life but remember never do anything when your mind is saying 'No'. Its not worth giving up self respect cos then your husband and his family members will also not respect you. Take a wise decision without being influenced.

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