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Thread: Dominating & threatning wife and Daughter in law

  1. #1

    Dominating & threatning wife and Daughter in law

    I am a greatly grieved mother in law aged 75yrs. I stay in a separate flat of my own, alone and my son and DIL stay in a separate flat above which also belongs to me.My daughter in law's parents stay very close by and visit their daughter very often.My son was working abroad until 3 yrs ago he quit and came back to India because my daughter in Law refused to join him as she was living with her parents at that time, they have a mentally disabled son of 11yrs.Now my son is not working anywhere as he earned very well abroad and has provided his wife and son all the facilities including a live in help.He also is taking care of his in laws as they have nothing to fall back on except the house of their own in which they r living.My son moneteraly helps them with their monthly expenses. I or my other children(daughter and son)have never interefered with their family matters.My daughter who is the eldest stays in a different city and visits me once a year for a couple of days and my other son stays abroad.We have no giving or taking any dowry in our family,instead my son gave her heavy jewellery and maybe a part of marriage expenses which i may not know. Now my daughter in law threatens us saying she'll give a complaint on my son and me for harrassment and dowry,this threaten has become very frequent now. Initially, my son wanted me to stay with him but I preferred to stay alone as I did't want to be the cause of any misunderstanding.Please help.She also threatens to commit suicide and while doing so would write a note making my son and me wholly responsible. At this age I want peace,my husband was a very peaceful person.I keep myself busy with religious activities along with my group.Kindly help.Do we have any Justice or only my DIL get justice,she is 40yrs old and is married for 15yrs.

  2. #2

    Could your DIL's behaviour be a symptom of a serious mental health illness?

    Dear Aridra,

    This must be an enormously stressful and frightening situation for you, faced with dire threats and upsetting emotional melodrama. Facing such a situation as a widow must be particularly difficult.

    I am glad you are busy with your religious activities group; I hope you have friends in the group who give you support.

    I also hope you have spoken of this situation to your daughter and the son who lives abroad, so that they are aware of what you are dealing with.

    You have made a wise choice in keeping your independence by living in your own flat. This protects you from constant exposure to your daughter-in-law and your son’s marital difficulties.

    And you are clearly no run-of-the-mill 75-year-old widow - here you are posting on an online forum, when most women your age don’t use the computer, let alone the internet. So I am impressed by your initiative and intelligence!

    While I could never attempt a diagnosis simply on the basis of an email, going on what you have shared, your daughter-in-law is displaying many of the behaviours associated with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

    Here are a few sentences from Wikipedia about BPD:

    Borderline personality disorder (BPD) (called emotionally unstable personality disorder, emotional intensity disorder, or borderline type in the ICD-10) is a cluster-B personality disorder, the essential feature of which is a pattern of marked impulsivity and instability of affects, interpersonal relationships and self image. The pattern is present by early adulthood and occurs across a variety of situations and contexts.
    Other symptoms usually include intense fears of abandonment and intense anger and irritability, the reason for which others have difficulty understanding. People with BPD often engage in idealization and devaluation of others; alternating between high positive regard and great disappointment. and suicidal behavior are common.


    Your daughter-in-law is also displaying a lot of paranoia and is out of touch with reality in the accusations she is levelling against you. Paranoia is sometimes associated with BPD, more often with other psychiatric conditions such as bipolar disorder.

    Diagnosis requires a through process of consultation with a psychiatrist.

    If it is indeed a psychiatric illness, medication and psychotherapy can offer great relief - both to the person with the condition and also the family, for whom living with a mental health condition is challenging in the extreme.

    While I can appreciate the stress you might have been going through in recent years, please know that if there is a psychiatric illness here, your daughter-in-law is not simply an unreasonable or ungrateful person; she is not intentionally manipulating you. Rather, she is suffering intensely, in the grip of the thoughts in her head.

    To be afflicted with a mental health condition is to undergo indescribable agonies. People around the person only see the “crazy” or irrational behaviours; it is hard to understand the tortuous experience, the awful inner reality of the person.

    I say this in an attempt to offer that your daughter-in-law’s words and actions might not be deliberate attacks upon you. They might be an expression of the mental agony she is living with.

    I urge you to strongly recommend that your son arrange for a consultation with a psychiatrist as soon as possible. If she is threatening suicide, urgent action needs to be taken before a tragedy occurs that would be devastating for everybody.

    Alongside arranging care for your daughter-in-law, I suggest you contact a lawyer to discuss legal protection for yourself in case your daughter-in-law’s difficulties are not helped and she does contact the police - or God forbid, take her own life.

    It might be helpful to place on legal record your version of events so that if the worst happens, you have protected yourself from the fall-out as much as possible.

    It is important to be dynamic and proactive here - both in protecting yourself, as also in seeking urgent care and help for your daughter-in-law.

    Since you are a religious lady, you know that we are all interconnected, we are diverse expressions of one great Heart.

    When one human being suffers, the ripple effects touch many, many people.

    So arranging care for your daughter-in-law, reducing her suffering and protecting her from her illness, is actually the path to peace of mind for yourself and your whole family.

    My heart goes out to all of you and I send all good wishes.

    Sharadha

  3. #3
    Hi Aridra,

    My heart goes out to you. It is really very sad that you have to go through all this at this stage of your life, when you have done no wrong. I fail to understand why your daughter in law is doing all this when you are not at all interfering in her life. It may be what Sharada has said that she might be suffering from some disorder. You need to have a good support system in form of friends and relatives so that you keep yourself away from the family matters of your son. You can speak to him so that he can find a way out to deal with the situation. He might be able to take her to doctor who will be better able to diagnose. Whatever you have mentioned of your DIL, she does not sound to be normal and needs help.

    In this situation, you cannot do much on your own to help her as she feels that you are against her so the best option left to you is to speak to your son or her parents. You must not shy away from taking help from others. As Sharada suggested, you should also try to go for a legal recourse. It will protect you from false implications in future.

    Rest of all have faith in yourself and also in God. You must keep yourself busy so that such matters don't affect you but in the meantime take some concrete steps so that your DIL doesn't harm herself or cause any harm to you or other family members. She needs your love, help and support. My best wishes are with you.

  4. #4
    Out of sheer respect id wish to address you as mam

    Dear Mam,

    i do understand that at this age would not like a confrontation or any legal action. However in your situation if you do not seek legal action before your DIL would then you would sure be robbed of your peace. In such a situation you need to seek support from your local senior citizen group and file a nc against your DIL in your local police station. Since you are a senior citizen you would not have to visit the police station instead the police personal would come to your home to write the nc down. Once you have contacted your local senior citizen group they will guide you will all the details.

    I do understand as the other members have mentioned that your DIL could be suffering from some disorder but my life experience always say Better safe than sorry.

    God Bless you Mam always n God bless your DIL more.

  5. #5
    Swathi's Avatar Junior Member
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    Nov 2014
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    So sorry for your situation. Looks like your daughter in law is mentally unstable. I totally agree with Angad Mahal. You should file a complain in the local police station.

  6. #6
    ejax's Avatar Junior Member
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    Feb 2021
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    It's sad to read this post. Threatening a wife is totally illegal thing. The wife can contact any private investigator to resolve her issue. There are different types of employee misconduct happening with females. If you want to know the reality of any incident. Then you have to hire some private investigators. The website bawn helps you to solve this problem. The company provides you the professional investigators.

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