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Thread: Help needed please

  1. #1

    Unhappy Help needed please

    I dont know from where to start but in some form i am in need of counselling or want to pour out my mind.
    Ours is an arranged marriage and now entering into 6th year. Both are engineers and working. after marriage my husband got a job in foreign country and he went first. After going there, he felt so lonely and couldn't manage alone, so I resigned my job and joined him in 3 months. This was our earlier plan to resign my job and join him asap.

    Life was not smooth as I thought. He used to get angry so much and we fight so much. I got conceived ad we were happy. Here comes my first problem. My husband masturbates and yes he started doing this at his very early age. He himself has told me and he is very fond of sex. After I got conceived based on doctors advice we didnt have sex. But every nite he used to watch some porn films and masturbate that too in the same room where I am sleeping. I have asked him not to do since I am feeling myself low and unworthy. Its not that I dont want sex, but because of our baby I dont want to do it. But he continued doing that. He watches porn films more. Before I got conceived also we watches more, when I ask him to stop, he says I am not getting excited by seeing you. I am little obese, he knows that before marriage. My sex life is also not satisfactory, he wants to insert and finish his job, never minds about me nor about my pleasure. When i ask him he says u r expecting more.

    Somehow days passed and we have boy. He likes to spend more time with his friends and not with us. Weekend comes, he will go for badminton with his friends, sometimes for boozing. For the whole week in a foreign country, I am taking care of my kid alone, cant I expect him to stay at home during weekends. In our apartment, there is no other Indian family, so I dont have anyone to speak. We end up in fighting because of this and i ended up in beating my kid to showout my frustration. I know how evil to beat such a small kid. atlast we decided to shift to new apartment where there are some indians. Now he started going for more parties and out weekends goes as usual. He has his own relaxation of playing badminton with his friends and watching tv and internet other times and porn at nights. He will come out with me even to shopping only after a great fight. there is no other entertainment other than shopping in that country, for that also I cannot go much during weekdays as my kid who was 2 years then was very hyperactive and keep me on heels always. My husband never bother about anything. We fight a lot but I dont want to leave my husband alone as he feels very inferior and has no one in his family. My inlaws passed away before my marriage. He has 3 siblings and they are married and has some issues in their life as well. As such no problem from them but whenever we go to India for vacation, he cannot stay in their house for more days and hence we stay in my parents house more days. This also he will say ur parents are not respecting me, this, that etc.

    My husband also have smoking habit. I am asking him to stop smoking and drinking but he is saying I need some relaxation hence I am doing. I accept I was nagging him much but all I was thinking was about his health. But he thinks I want to control him and dominate him. This he always tell since I was also working before. What I ask him is to spend weekends with us by taking us outside(he rarely play with his kid but he loves his kid more). But he loves to go out with his friends for playing or stay at home watching tv.

    Every nite he sleeps very late around 12 or 1. One way he is spoiling his health and another way I am feeling low he might watch porn and do masturbation. I ask him not to go for friday parties and to stop smoking, but he says no.

    When i go to other Indian friends house on evenings so that my kid can play with their kids (here almost 6 months is winter and hence kids has to play indoor), sometimes he comes home soon around 7(he never calls me before coming home and never carry extra key) he shouts saying why cant u be at time and we starts fighting.

    He says I am earning for you and our kid and says he dont have anyone other than us. I can understand he loves us but on the other hand I am feeling i am treated as a servant rather than a wife. He never shows his love and never romantic. Whenever I ask him he says go and become slim first then I will do.

    I started hating his friends since he spends more time with them.

    He wont do any house hold chores, never help me unless I fight or if I tell him. even then sometimes he will say u r dominating me by asking me to do works. I have to do all work for him, then take care of my son who is 4 now. Take my son to swimming class and other special classes. Take him to hospital, for that also he wont come.

    He comes home for lunch and I have to be at home to serve him food. Even during nite if he comes late I have to be awake to serve him food. He will get angry otherwise. I feel my whole day is going in serving my husband and son, he says all women do this but why u r complaining. I expect some respect some care some love as reciprocation.

    Now I am forcing him to stop smoking, he told he will do gradually (this is happening for past 3 years). Friday nite parties once in a while is ok. For that also his friends are calling him everyweek.

    Whenever I see cigarette pack in his shirt or when friday is coming my bp is rising We have planned for our 2nd baby and trying for past 1 year but negative. My ovulation cycle is not proper doctor is saying u may be stressed hence, otherwise no hormone issues nothing.

    Dont know where this is going to end. I dont want to leave him at any stage, I want him to understand my love and care.Crying a lot nowdays. Trying myself forcly not to show my frustration on my kid.

    What should I do? How to divert my attention on worries and enjoy my life? someone please help.

  2. #2
    Ishika Seth's Avatar Member
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    Hi Dev,

    what you are describing is more common than you think. Husband wife have problems understanding each other due to arrange marriage and living in a different country..

    1st thing you need to do is stop "forcing" and "insisting" that he stop cigarettes, stop going out, etc. etc.

    A better way to deal with it is to suggest that you go out with him once in a while. Tell him I heard really great things about so and so place, can we go there anytime this weekend please..?

    Make more of an effort to become better friends with his friends and their spouses. Ask you husband and invite them over for a meal. Ask your husbnd's help in deciding the menu. Involve him and show him that you want to please his friends and maybe get to know them better.

    it is unfeeling on his part to say things like become slim first.. but men can be unfeeling from time to time. Would it be that bad a thing to want to become slimmer and therefore more healthier? Join a gym or fitness class. It will help you get thinner and will give you an excuse to get out of the house. If going out to gym is not possible, then you can follow exercise videos online. This is the link to some brilliant online videos to lose weight..and the best part is, that they are only ten minute workouts which you can easily squeeze into your busy day. So no excuses on that okay http://www.youtube.com/user/popsugartvfit it will make your husband happy, and will make you also more confident.

    Subscribe to some women's magazines like cosmopolitan which will give you ways to better your relationship with your husband in the bedroom and out of it.. it will also suggest ways to live a healthier happier life. so subscribe to some women's magazine.

    Stop nagging your husband about this and that. I understand that it can be very frustrating and you are not wrong to want your husband to be better, but lets face it.. men can be stubborn fools. the best way to deal with it is first work on building a better relationship with him. Make him proud of you. Make him see that you are working hard to please him. Over time, he will realise and try to do the same for you. At the time, softly sweetly explaining why you think he should give up cigarettes and asking him to try again would be better than just forcing him to stop. ask if there is anyway you can help. look up tips to help smokers quit online and try using those on him..

    Hope all this helps.. Hope to hear from you soon!

    - Ishika

  3. #3
    Thanks for reading my such a big thread and really thank you for your reply Ishika.

    I will try to do the workouts from the video and will try to make myself confident.

    I don't know about, how to be a blind and dumb on his smoking habit. I am feeling so much irritated and my BP is shooting so much. I am feeling like I have left my job, my family and everything for him and staying with him, but why can't he leave this smoking habit at least for me.
    Just tell me how to be blind and dumb about his smoking habit.

    Whatever I say he will say you are expecting so much and make as if I have done everything wrong.
    Recently I fell ill and had diarrhea. That night he went for boozing and came next day early morning and took me to hospital after sleeping for sometimes.
    After coming home I felt very tired, cooked just plain rice and went and slept. Evening when i got up he just asked how are you feeling now thats it. I was feeling so hungry but didnt have the strength to put rice in a plate and eat. He didnt even mind that he was just watching tv. He asked go and bring snacks for the kid. I shouted on him saying you cant do anything to me but cant even take care of the kid by giving him some milk and snacks. he got angry and he said I took you to the hospital in spite of sleeping very less time. He made me like mistake was on my side.

    Was my behavior correct in that situation or the problem is really me??? I don't know.

    Next day I felt little ok. My son was having swimming class from 10 -11 and my husband had badminton from 9-1. I took my son to class. My husband also woke up at 9am started watching facebook and news. So i thought he will go by 10. But he went to badminton by 11.30 only. On seeing this I got so angry. He knows I am not so well, he could have taken my son to class if he has planned to go by 11.30 to badminton. Was there any mistake in my part by getting angry? When I get angry either I shout at him and we fight and he ends up like I am the problem creator or I will be quiet, withdrawn and avoid speaking with him unless necessary. Even to that he wont mind, he wont ask why you are not speaking etc. Later I will feel bad that he is not minding about me. This time I did the later choice and didnt speak to him. Again in this situation Was my behavior correct in that situation or the problem is really me???

    Please dont think I am bringing my day to day issues to you but I am analysing myself whether my behavior is correct. I want to know whether I keep my issues with me and not discussing openly with him? He is not interested in speaking. He is busy in his world of facebook, whatsup etc. He speaks to me only when he has some problem and I should hear it. Otherwise nothing.

    To be frank I want to know how not to think about my husband and think about me only. Can I go and stay in India with my kid and let he be here and enjoy his life as he wishes, because every time we fight he says all problem is because of you and you both stay in India. I will earn and send money for taking care of kid and his education. What should I do? When he say this I feel like am I living for his money?

    Thanks again for your reply.

  4. #4
    Hi Dev,

    I am sorry to read about your problems, but ishika seems to have given you wonderful suggestions.. are you following them? One thing i want to tell you, is that when your husband didnt take your son for his classes, why did you immediately shout at him? You could have requested him to please take him since you are feeling really sick. why raise a fight right away? talking things through is a much better way of dealing with things..

    and about going back to india... NO WAY! that is a cowardly way of dealing with things.. you have to both learn to live companionably.. Make friends, make adjustments, do wtv you have to but stick together..

    Hope this helps! Waiting to hear from you!

    - Kanchi

  5. #5
    Shweta Kale's Avatar Member
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    Hi Dev,

    I have read your paragraph.

    I feel sorry for your you. But Please do not worry..you are not alone facing this as it happens in hus-wife relation.
    I will suggest you not to keep your self down or low..your a good wife and mother. Try to do the things which you like. Never ever throw frustration on your kid..its sin...Also try to get slim as your husband wants that..more as a well wisher you can tell hubby not to smoke and drink as it makes mind corrupt..but if he is not listening..dont be after him now and then...say as per situation...try to check if he is not involved in extra marital affair as he is not taking any interest in you...Give some time in your relation, meditate daily..relax your self, try to concentrate on kid more so you will get busy and not think unwanted things..more..if your hubby after some time say months or years dont respect you, not treating good or feel you low, or if its not working...tell / discuss with your parents/ siblings about this. sorry to say..but if nothing is working out you can think of divorce legally..i know its not easy...but think of it as a last and final option but give your relation time before taking any decision...but try each and everything to get your hubby on right track..try your best and leave the rest..."Jo hona hain jagat mein wahi hoga, prabhuji ne gaya hain"...so relax and don't worry...keep your self happy always..Tc

  6. #6
    Hi ishika .

  7. #7
    مركز كول سكان للأشعة المنزلية هو مرفق طبي متخصص يقدم خدمات الأشعة والتصوير الطبي للمرضى في بيئة منزلية. يهدف هذا المركز إلى توفير راحة أكبر للمرضى وتوفير الرعاية الصحية عالية الجودة في منازلهم. يتميز مركز كول سكان بفريق من الأطباء والتقنيين المؤهلين والمتخصصين في مجال الأشعة، الذين يستخدمون أحدث التقنيات والأجهزة لتقديم خدمات تشخيصية دقيقة. بفضل هذا المركز، يمكن للمرضى الحصول على التشخيص والرعاية اللازمة دون الحاجة إلى الانتقال إلى المستشفى، مما يسهم في تقليل الإجهاد وتوفير الوقت والجهد لهم.

    رسم قلب بالمنزل فى الاسكندرية
    =
    مركز اشعة في المنزل بكفر الدوار
    =
    مركز اشعة في المنزل بدمنهور
    =
    مركز أشعة منزلية بالاسكندرية
    =
    ايكو على القلب في المنزل بالاسكندرية
    =
    مركز اشعة في المنزل بالاسكندرية

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