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Thread: Joint Family Life

  1. #1
    Kaumi Sharma's Avatar Member
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    Oct 2013
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    Joint Family Life

    Hi,
    I am recently recovering from a miscarriage, and had to have an emergency D&C.

    Background: I was married to the love of my life in March 2010. I have been living in a joint family since then in USA. My husband is the youngest of 2 other brothers. He is definitely treated as a baby brother and the youngest baby son.
    My in-laws background: Parents are from India, moved to USA to better their lives and their kids lives. They are not "educated" to live in USA so the sons should be helping with everything. They definitely work and speak bare minimum english. They are heavily dependent.

    Background of Brothers- They are both divorced due to their personality differences with their significant others. Oldest is too naive, and helpless. He doesn't have basic common sense, and his wife took everything and put him out on the streets. We took him into the joint family and looked after everything. I finally made him independent and told him to shift downstairs in the basement. I mean I have gone ahead and taken the stand. Had it been for my MIL the oldest brother would have probably stayed on me for all his work. The middle brother in law is also divorced, because he is toooo independent. He worked 7 days, and never gave a time of day to his dear wife. She eventually sucked him out dry for a big settlement and left him. He has a lot of bills, and is very over confident. I deal with these two personalities only cause I love my husband. the middle BIL lives separate but seems to be very interfering in the family with us.

    My husband and my background: After we got married we got our own store, and then I pursued my MBA after marriage, fulfilling my dream. Now that I have my MBA i have not been able to land a decent job since 2012. I have had off and on temp positions. I get bombarded with a lot of shit to handle like his parents' bullshi* stuff like taking care of their errands, cause they cannot speak english. However, my husband works about 55+ hours, and I am feeling pressured into being stuck with the joint family. I am the support link chain for the family, if I let go, everything goes crashing down. My MIL taunts at me that i should and have to work 40+ hours cause she does and that I have to be bringing in the money. I mean its frustrating to know, they can't deal with their stupid errands, which I deal with behind their backs, and sometimes its simple yet frustrating like calling their insurance to fight a claim, or calling a Doctor's office and dealing with reports and medicines. They are TOTALLY dependent on me. I love how my MIL and FIL keep saying I have to work, yet they don't realize I keep the house brand spankin' clean, and cook delicious meals EVERYDAY. If it wasn't for me they would never be able to survive.
    My husband understands, and feels bad that no other brother can take care of them except me and him. I can't seem to do it any more.
    I worked for 6 months 40+ plus hours without counting commute and all. I was cooking and cleaning plus working, my day started at 6am and I used to crash by 930 cause as soon as I got home at 6pm I would b in the kitchen to cook dinner or get started on it. If i wasn't on it I'd get taunted. So I wouldn't refresh or freshen up or change and stay in the kitchen to get things going. Then MIL would join, and of course after dinner, clean the kitchen, wrap up everything. Then my hubby would b late from store or work and come home at 9pm or after. I would literally be dead by then and go to sleep by 930pm so we had no time for our selves. Weekends, on saturdays, do joint family laundry and that takes about 3-4 loads, and then clean the whole house, from upstairs to downstairs, we have a 3 story house. However, I would be so tired, that in the afternoon I would take a nap, and in the evenings I would put away and fold laundry. After that, my husband would be so tired, we'd skip going out but we'd order out. It was "mandatory" in a way to sit downstairs with parents to watch tv, cause my husband wanted to bond with his parents. So of course I'd be stuck doing the same when I really would want to bond with him. Sunday all day at the temple, to do sewa and help. I mean it was from 11am to 6:30pm...by the time we'd come home. Again get ready for the mon-fri. routine.

    Now that i am recovering from my miscarriage and surgery, I am overlooking everything and realizing, I have missed 4 years of my life by servicing and doing everything for the family and nothing for myself. My parents feel bad I am stuck in a family like this. They are all nice in their own ways, I am just educated and know how to handle situations but I am running out of patience. I feel I am growing apart from my husband and we are drifting away. I thought having a baby would have been gr8 but now I am not ready to bring a child into this atmosphere where I have no identity of myself. My MIL insists I work full time and take care of the house because she sacrificed everything in her youth then I should do the same.

    Any suggestions are welcomed. I just feel bad having to leave the in-laws all alone, cause thats the only solution I see, but my husband and I feel bad doing that as a last resort. However, what ever suggestions are there please help me see a diff. perspective.

  2. #2
    @Kaumi : Do whatever u can to save urself, now is the rite time........do not try to get a GRADE "A" in every work may it be hosehold or profession.....let it not be the best meal, or best cleaning, most shining laundry etc etc...or the best presentation in office...!! Its ok to get grade "B" somewhere.........U r human.....Prioritize the things u want to do....
    Also go for some recreation class or hobby classeson sundays.....people have two hands to wash their own clothes !!!

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