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Thread: My mother in law interferes in everything, she does not allow me to do anything.

  1. #1

    My mother in law interferes in everything, she does not allow me to do anything.

    My mother in law interferes in everything, she does not allow me to do anything.

    Even I cant spend 5 minutes with my husband talking, or having a conversation with him before going to bed. Till 12 o'clock at night, she pulls my husband with her, so that we cant spend time with each other, as we have to wake up early in morning for our offices. So by 12 we both get tired and directly will go to sleep.

    She doesn't let me go out with him, neither for movies, roaming, even for walk. She says i want to fly, i havent seen restaurants, movies or roam about in my life, so i want to take advantage of my husband in doing so.

    It's been just 7 months of our marriage, we cant even talk private. if we talk to each other or even smile at each other, she gets intolerant saying now honeymoon period should go over. She don't let my husband think about me or do anything for me, buy anything for me. she simply don't allow. Husband literally don't care about this. He loves me, but it hurts, when he cant even speak for me knowing i am right.

    She don't even allow to talk me with my parents, nor my husband talks with my parents as she stops him from doing so. She always creates a wrong impact of my parents in front of him.

    Also she talks about the marriage expenses everyday, that she has not got anything from my parents end, even my father has given everything earned in his lifetime to me, then too she taunts me every time about it, saying have i ever said i have not got anything from your marriage, etc..
    she has inferiority complex with my mother. she says my mother is filling my ears everything i am doing. Every time she asks me return to them.

    I do every household work since morning, including preparation of food, cleaning, serving them, i am doing everything as per their wishes. Even after returning from office at 7:30, i didn't get a single moment of time for myself or my hubby till 12 o clock. Then too she always have a issue with me. she always have a topic to fight everyday. if everything is going fine for a week, then on weekend she bursts out.
    I cant find a solution to this. Please someone help me out.
    Sometimes she makes me feel like if I am just acting or pretending to be ill, and this really hurts me.
    She always criticises others actions, she is right about some things sometimes, and sometimes she just magnifies. She wants everything to happen in accordance with her desire; otherwise it is wrong, in her view.

    She interferes even in our sex life, she asks me everything. How often we do, with or without protection. What my husband says.
    When to plan for a baby etc. etc...to such an extent you cant believe.

    She takes a note of everything. Me and my husband are both working, she takes both of our salaries every month and if we want money we have to ask each time, for that too she enquires where we are spending. For salary, she and my father in law says, there is no differences in terms of money in our family, and my husband spends all of his salary, so they want to save it for our future. But they dont save it, they take it for their own expenses. even my father in law is earning very good. he is a vice president with a renowned company.

    she only give money to my husband and always enquires, if he has not shared with me any of his money. Husband dont take anything into account, he says it's ok, she's mother.
    our family earns good, then too these problems are arising.

    If we plan for anything without her consent or without informing, she would burst out in anger. She has full control over my husband and my father in law, nothing at home works without her will or consent and my husband also cant say anything against her, even if he knows that she is wrong.

    She always lie's. I cant bear it anymore, want to end up everything, i cant do anything. I dont remember the last time, i smiled or laughed with my whole heart.

    I am just 27, Please suggest if i am worrying for no reason. I am no more confident, lost belief in my myself, even i get scared easily, i speak at night during sleep. for that too they blame me, like i am having these issues before marriage.
    Please someone help me out to tackle this situation.

  2. #2
    Hi Preeti, what you need first is someone to just listen to you, give a shoulder to support and a few loving hugs. I dont know if you have friends or your mom or sis, someone, to share your problems with and if you are getting a support (support is important first, solution is later). In this forum, we are here to support each other. So do know that you have lots of hugs and support from all of us here.

    Such probs do not have a quick and full solution. This is not a movie. And no one can judge through a 100 lines message. Finally, you are the best judge and decision-maker and one who will take action. We can only say what we might have done, assuming this case is happening with us.

    Here is what I would have done in this case.
    2) remember that I am not alone. There are thousands of women in this country, and even in the world, who are going through problems like this ,,,,and may be more severe. When we are going thru the same problem everyday we tend to feel alone. Hence this reminder.

    3) I wd take some time out to make myself feel better. May be .. just may be ... things are not so bad as they seem to be. Maybe its because someone is going thru it everyday with same intensity, but its the intensity of the "worry" and "frustration" that is increasing. Those people are same. One cannot find solution in bad mind state. So, I would first take an hour off between office, may be visit a coffee shop ALONE and drink or eat something I really like. Eat slowly and enjoy it, NOT think anything else. Live n THAT moment. That time of happiness and knowing that I am happy, is important. And then, take a pen and paper, and list the good things in my life. E.g. One positive thing I can see is that you are working. You are earning. This also helps us stay away from nagging relatives for at least 8 hours. Think about housewives who bear this all day. Right? So.... things are better for us.... not so bad. Next positive seems to be a kind-of supporting hubby. I know you think your hubby is not supporting. But, if he is not joining his parents to trouble you, maybe he is trying to be supporting in his own possible way.
    Anyway ...so this is what I wd do first. Sit, be happy and list positive things. These positive things (lets call them STRENGTHS) are important and I will probably use these to reduce my inlaws problem.
    I wd smart not to let everyone know I am doing this. I wd destroy the paper or something.

    4) These STRENGTHS are the things that are helping me pass my day. The job, the not-nagging-hubby, maybe a close friend, may be my music iPod or TV. This means, I need their support. This means, I should not do anything to spoil or disturb these further.
    This means, if hubby is not nagging, I should not do anything to break his limit of patience.

    5) ACCEPT the problem. This is what I will do next. Many times we live in denial. We think it's like a headache, or a knee wound, which should heal and go in few days. Nope. This is going to stay for many years. ACCEPT it.
    Also accept that, the dream home of living only with hubby in separate house may not be realistic.
    Also I'll accept that, this problem can only be minimized or reduced.
    And I'll also accept that its not a hubby or magic entry like SRK going to help. It's ME ONLY who has to help.

    6) I think majority of such problems can only be reduced with LOVE and PATIENCE. You said you are only 27. I know all this is too much for someone as young as you. But I feel this is true. Even faking some love and care initially, mellows down negativity in people. And eventually, this love and care turns into real one from both sides. This is my experience.
    Everyone needs love, care, attention. Everyone has their own fears. MIL may have fear of losing control. Right or wrong, lets not forget she is human too. Old Age and years does not necessarily give WISDOM. People at 72 are sometimes as immature as 27 and vice versa.

    For a min, I wd imagine that my MIL, my hubby ... everyone is going through a problem whole day like me. Just the flavor is different. I have nagging etc. MIL has fears. She also has fear of getting older, helpless. Hubby has tension of managing everything and being the main bread earner for rest of his life.

    7) I would take time to think (may be hours and days) to "draw my lines". My laxman rekha.
    Drawing my laxman rekha depends on MANY factors, cannot all be written here. Depends on my society and culture around me. Do I live in a modern surrounding where women live and speak freely? How's my upbringing? How strong I am to take my decisions, stand by them and not regret? How is my background ... do my parents support such things? Am I living in a typical backward indian mentality surrounding? .... if I say I wont give my salary ... will I be beaten up physically? ...or yelled at? ...or criticized by hubby because he is an indian male of thinking against women liberty?

    As for me, I would first ask for a round figure pocket money rather than separately asking for everything. And for asking a round figure pocket money from your own salary, its ok to ask and my hubby would support the fact that its better than asking separately. I would avoid blasting a bomb that hey I am not gonna give my salary.

    Breaking the house apart of not an objective ... I am not very much part of family... however it is.

    Then I wd slowly create an office situation that salary directly goes into my bank account to which no one has access (this is how it happens everywhere, I am surprised to hear you give her your salary .. what do you do? withdraw and give her? ... If its in your account, she cannot access it)
    I would also create a fixed deposit, some kind of direct deposition into a finance saving scheme, so that the money stays in my name.

    Legally, my earned money is mine. If I am letting anyone else have it, it's again, my decision. I wont cry about it and do nothing.

    8) While doing all this, I would take out time alone and think PRACTICALLY, what is the solution to all this.
    Staying separately when hubby gets a job in another city, is a possbility, but lets keep it whenever that happens.
    For now, inlaws are here, I am here, hubby is here.

    REDEFINE My HAPPINESS ... is spending time with hubby the only happiness? It is an important one, but not the only one. It's important to distribute your points of happiness and not keep them in 1 basket.

    I would do my duty first to adapt. I wd change myself so that my hubby appreciates me, gets some relief. I know he is also not happy with parents behavior, but can he speak against them to anyone? ... no they dont speak to wife about parents .. it takes a lot to be his best friend ... !

    I would be smart and tactical to keep MIL happier. All she wants is some love and care. May be some importance. We may be surprised sometimes by their suggestions and ideas ... let's not forget they do have life experience much more than us!

    In short, i would try and be a little like gandhigiri in munnabhai. I can at least give it a try before I take extreme step, right?

    9) There is an incredible amount of power in meditation. Unimaginable.
    All I would do is sit only 5 or 10 min alone (in car, in basement, in toilet, wherever possible) and just be silent and focus on breathing trying to avoid any thoughts. Try and be thoughtless. I tried this for a week and the results, the changes in me, were immense!

    THESe... are some little things I would do before actually trying to resolve (minimize) the real problem.
    I would pick the low hanging fruits first.

    I you would like to know what would I do to minimize real problem, let me know.
    Loads of love and hugs and good wishes for you.

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