Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi all, am married fr more than 5 yrs now and have a 8 month old baby. I have gt married to my cousin itself..Initially I did not like getting married to a relative but I was impressed by the affection my husband had for me and so I went ahead and got married. It was purely an arranged marriage…
We both are living n another city whereas both our parents are living n another city..We have problems in life as that of problems that wd exist elsewhere..My main problem is my b-i-l and his wife. They both have a very bad attitude and the most thing which bothers me is my hubby’s defensive nature towards his family. My hubby’s brother had once had an very bad heated argument with my mother almost 5 yrs back which I dint like…My mom is their aunt and I have seen her so affectionate towards my hubby & his brother. Infact my bil was brought up by my mom till he was almost 5 yrs old as his mother was working and she used to spend more than 12 hrs for her work(Even now my MIL does not know how to bring up a child as she got her both children grown up by the help of mom & aunt)…My mummy had supported my hubby for 3 yrs b4 my marriage..He was staying with us as he had some fight with his parents. During those 3 yrs my mom had never intended to make him as her Son in law. This marriage was purely initiated by my in laws. She took care of my hubby more than his mom without any expectation for any sort of returns. She infact gave adivses to my hubby and made sure he maintains a good relationship with his parents..She is a great human being I shld say….But now I feel both my hubby & his brother has forgotten her affection. Coming to my BIL he acts very strange and he has not even visited my mom after his marriage which is almost 6 yrs now…When my mom questioned him for that he entered into heated argument and had spoken to my mom in a very bad manner. I really started disliked him after that..When I wanted to ask him 5 yrs back why he did so like that, my in laws and hubby said that I shld not interfere between my mom & BIL…And I should maintain a good relationship with him even If he does not speak to my mom. I was really hurted by that and I obeyed that at that point of time(that time I was married only for 8 months). Since then though I was not very jovial or friendly type with my inlaws & bil…I don’t talk any unwanted stuff..I used to go there whenever we go on a vacation..I used to talk woth everybody though not from my heart. But all these years I see that my cosister behaves very badly..My bil stays with my inlaws and when ever we visit them she does nto even talk a word to me or my hubby. She does this in front of everybody and nobody dares to question her. I dotn know for wat reason they all keep quiet. This includes my hubby too..I have seen her behaving & talking nicely when her relatives, brother, or parents visit her.
though I was not moving so friendly with them after all these, I made sure that am not running away frm any of my resposibilities. But since I was not friendly as before marriage, my inlaws started telling all false & bad things abt me to our commom relatives. I came to know this thru our common aunt. This common aunt had also told my mom abt all this and my mom got very angry abt all this. When I came to know abt this, I asked my in laws and they acted as if they have not told any such thing. This really reduced my affection towards them drastically…In all these situations, my hubby was never supportive on my side. He always used to defend his parents and during the arguments he starts verbally abusing my parents. Since we were staying alone I used to screen all this from my parents, just bcoz I dint want my parents to listen to this guys rubbish talk..if my parents get to know that my mom would go into depression, bcoz she had so much of affection for my hubby & his borther.I don’t want my mother to suffer in any case bcoz I know how much she has done for them. But now she knows a bit of their attitude. She came to know herself when she visited me in all these years.

Since I used to keep all these within me I am getting into more depression. Now my main problem here is when ever there is an argument over family issues, in laws issues or anything..he gets more angry and slaps me within few mins of the argument. He pulls me by my hair and hits very violent. This has been happening since 6 months of my marriage and I never expected such thing in my life. I feel so insulted when he behaves like that and I feel like getting separted from him. But imm the next day he pleads sorry and cares so much and when I say I can no longer tolerate all this, he imm pleads sorry…then I feel that let me give him a chance. But this does nto seem to stop. Once when I was pregnant, he even slapped & physically abused me in front of my MIL and maid for an argument over a petty issue. That day I lost all my affection towards him. My mil pleaded me to forgive him and stay with him. When my hubby pleads he says that he cant stay without me. I am going mad bcoz fo all this. I don’t see any improvement frm his side. As of now I have left my child with my parents. But am planning to bring him to my place n a month. But am scraed if my hubby is gonna be the same acting violent even in front of the child. I never want that to happen. I am writing all this bcoz I had the same situation last week and he had hit me very badly…I am so depressed. Though after that he is talking normally am not even able to talk to him. I don’t feel like talking to him. Though he tried to show some inititation for sex, I was not able to show any interest. He feels as if am doing this for adamance, as iam staying quiet inspite of him pleading guilty, but none of these hurts are going out of my mind. I am struggling now. I am employed and earn a good salary. Even If I get separated my parents would support me for sure as they wd definitely understand that I have taken this decision only if it is very bad & untolearble for some reason. As of now we both are not talking to each other, but I know this will settle down n a day or two…But friends, seriously I feel more hurt and insulted and think I will go into depression sooner in life. One day I know this marriage is not gonna work out. Pls help me…Am I in an abusive relationship?.
Namita replied. U have not handled situation maturely

i dnot think u shud supress ur anger and take all his abusive behaviour ... when u are living in another city and visit ur IL' s once a year then y do u have to take out their topic every now n then with ur husband ... just ignore them ... avoid staying with them on vacation for long ... abt. ur BIL wht he have done with ur parents u have to forget that, i m nt asking u to have very healthy relation with BIL bt atleast dnt nag on same topics with ur husband, which is making him crazy

ur BIL is not going to support u if their vl b any prob. in ur married life .. u, ur husabnd n ur parents will only suffer in this ... so dnt give much imp. to BIL, just a smile nothing else .. dnt drag old stories in front of ur hubby, tht how he spoke to ur mother, wht ur mother have done for them etc. etc. ... just start a fresh life and make ur husband understand that his abusive behaviour is hurting u and ur respect for him is degrading day by day ... let him first respect u then slowly u can expect him to respect ur parents and make him realise wht ur mother did for him .. bt never keep on telling him abt those things

abt ur co-sil, y do u want her to be nice with u .. if she dnt speak with u then u also do the same thing .. ans. 2 wthever she asks thats it ...

u have to learn to keep ur self respect ... learn to igonre such people n u can do this only if u feel that they are least imp. in ur life

abt. ur husbands abusive behaviour ..whter it is physically or verbally ..... u shud not take any of them ... take a free time and tell him that u want to discuss few things, tell him that u dnt want to behave him in similar manner in front of child ... ask him where u are going wrong, is any of ur behaviour making him go crazy ... even if u dnt agree with him bt atleast understand/listen to his feelings ... if u feel wht he is saying is totally wrong then dnt argue just try to keep ur words in front of him abt y do u behave so .... dnt stretch much .... tell him u get scare of his behaviour, at time u dnt feel like continuing this realtion bco of his behaviour(now this sentence depends on ur husabdns nature) ... make him understnd how much hurt u r with his behaviour ...

if he says u keep nagging abt. his parents n he loves them bla bla bla ... then keep quiet n listen, if he shouts tell him u want him to speak with u nt fight ... u be calm all the time n show him how calm u r n tell him to b the same ..... apologise for ur behaviour, tell him that u have made a big mistake by talking bad things abt. his parents to u as this have spoiled ur relation wich is utmost imp. for u than anythings else ... tell him how much u love him ... promise him tht u wont speak abt his parent even though their behaviour annoy u bt at the same time he should also behave properly and should understnd u if in case anytime u r not in good mood as u dnt have anyone to speak abt IL' s .. u have to be emotional dear dddd replied. Hello,
I am afraid you are in an abusive marriage. I was in one till 2 yrs back. My husband started abusing me after an yr of marriage and continued till 2 yrs back. I had it by then and called the cops on him. My in laws were furious and tried to take advantage of the situation and get him back to India.(We are in US). His family is full of wife abusers. He will be influenced and start the same there. Hence I stopped my husband from going back and since then our relationship is better.
Let me tell you abusers never stop abusing till they thrown into a situation where they have to think twice before doing it.You can try looking at my earlier posts to get an idea. Please dont bring your son . Instead try to be separated from your husband temporarily . If he apologises to abusing and promise never to do it in front of your parents then u can try coming back alone.if he doesnt please take legal action. Now abuse can be stopped in India too. And one more thing dont expect any help from in laws. When my husband first abused me my FIL pleaded on the phone not to tell anything to cops which was called by my neighbour. Of ccourse i didnt know then i cud do it . Otherwise I would have done that.When my husband was arrested 2 yrs back my FIL put up a dramatic act in front of my parents in INdia that he was in stress hence he abused. My parents shud tell sense to me. MY parents were tired and angry by then and told they will not do it and told him he shud teach some sense to his son.Please do tell your parents. My parents knew from beginning and hence werent that surprised when i did it. Although they didnt expect it.Your parents will support you in case they know.
Dont expect any support from in laws. My FIL blamed me when I called the cops that I shud have had patience. SO i told him tell me about patience when your daughter will get severely abused for 3 yrs.I just wish my SIL' s daughter gets a similar husband like mine.
Just in case if you have helpful neighbours do mention to them. You never know how helpful they can be sometimes.
Take care
dddd