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Womens Issues:update
2008-02-22
Name: Sumathi Hi dddd, how are you? Hope you are done with your relocation. Mine is completed.
Atlast my husband' s parents went to india. According to their neighbors and relatives, they are not talking to anyone and mad at everyone for supporting me (they think that way). Mil stays in home all the time, fil comes out occasionally.
One of their relative (my sil' s huband' s uncle) went to talk with her. Fil tried to talk something but mil sent him for walking. She was crying and putting the blame on me. She said she is innocent and has never ever thought anything bad for others, yet she was blamed for whatever happened.
When uncle questioned why they summoned divorce notice to me, why they took all my money, jewellery, my baby and left me on the streets, she never replied back. She told unlce that he has no right to involve in their family matters. If he is going to question her further then she doesn' t need his relation any more.

When a person has got so much guts to stay away from every one, even their own relatives, that too to a person from her daughters family, what good can I expect for me? Its more than 2 months since my husband paid any visitation to my baby. He is holding her passport and he is not paying the child support. I am giving up all my hopes on him and about the revival of my married life.

I am tired of fighting for it. I cannot bear such injustice. Hereafter i have my baby for me. God is seeing everything. Sometimes he punishes these kind of people, sometimes he just let it go. That is His job. I cannot do anything about it.
I have decided to carry on this life with my baby alone.
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2008-03-05
#1
Name: SL
Subject:  Dear Sumathi and Semi
Hi,
Thanks for your responses. I was a bit busy last few days looking for apartments. Never thot it wud be so difficult to get one. Like u both said yes hope this distance works for us...not for anything but for the child' s sake. anyways just today i signed a lease hope my application gets approved that way i can move in on saturday. I ahve lots to do as its like setting up a new home and worse when it is temporary. I' m going through crazy emotions but just having all the strength just for my kids sake. Yes it will be nice to be in touch with u. how do i get ur contact or give u my contact information? let me know. Thanks everyone. and lets stay in touch.
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2008-03-06
#2
Name: Sumathi
Subject:  hi SL
Hi SL, please take your time to settle down. You can reach me at frndv in yahoo. Hope you have enough friends to help morally and physically. By God´ s grace lot of people helped me when i was sent out of home. Visits of friends gave me consolation and strength. Even my baby enjoyed that. I will pray to God to keep you and your baby by his side at this critical time.
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2008-03-01
#3
Name: SL
Subject:  Usefull information Sumathi
Thanks Sumathi,
Like u said, me or my family is not interested in punishing anyone. I want to move on with my life and take care of my son. my in-laws hv their priorites hence we have reached a point where we r. i really feel that somewhere he should find the happiness that he really wants as he has chosen his family over me and my son. my husband was never physically abusive to me and in any case I want to get out of this without too much hassles ...and doing it mutually is the best. I have an update on my situation, my husband and I have decided to stay seperately. I am looking for apartments and will move soon with my son. Ofcourse he will come and visit my son. I think at this moment I am too stressed and think this is the best arrangement for both of us. yes whenever i go legal i will keep your advice in mind. yes i plan to be in the US for sometime as I don' t want to take any hasty decision that I might repent later. thanks again for ur time. and take care of urself.
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2008-03-02
#4
Name: semi
Subject:  Hi SL
I am not putting any information about battered woman org in sunnyvale as I read your post about the plan of action. I think this seems like a good plan at your end and as you said without any hassele. This will also give both of you some time alone to think back about the situation and may help in changing this situation. I live just 20 minute drive from your city. If you even want to be in touch with me. Just put a post and I will send my email id to sumathi or I can find a way to be in touch with you.
take care
semi
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2008-03-01
#5
Name: Sumathi
Subject:  i am glad for you
Hi SL, i am glad that you both reached an agreement. Though separation is bad, the one in your case may not be permanent. Be patient. If you are here and if your husband is constantly visiting you, there is chance for relationship to develop. When his mind gets cleared which may take some days or months, there is chance for re-union. If you go to india, that chance becomes remote and your son will also miss his dad. I think you have taken a good decision. Take care and be positive.
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2008-02-28
#6
Name: SL
Subject:  Thanks all
Hi,
Thanks for your replies. Yes I will consult another lawyer. The first lawyer I went to is an American with lots of experience. I just thought he told me the right thing. But it always helps to get a second opinion. I was also wondering if I can file for Divorce in india and just continue staying there. All these questions I think the lawyer can answer. Yes you are right that legal proceedings take a long time. Thats why I plan to move out with my baby and live seperately from him. I am ok with this arrangement if I have some peace of mind. I plan to talk to my husband about this today and will take his veiws too. I really need to know his intentions. Hope he speaks openly without beating around the bush. Just to give u guys an idea, we have been having probelms in our marraige due to his sister who lives with us. There were better ways of handling this problem but instead i was abused and asked to leave. its been close to 3 yrs and its lead to us drifting apart and he getting verbally abusive towards me. this has given his family..especially his mother and sister tremendous confidence and they went out of control in abusing me as well. He never stood for me. I hv reached a point where I really don' t need love or affection..the least i expect is to be treated as a human being. we spend months together not talking and he seems fine. he doesn' t want to go counselling or talk to our families about this. And we seem incapable in resolvng our issues. Thats why I hv given up on him and the marraige. So if the current arrangement works then I plan to move out and take no legal action. Thanks a ton again.
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2008-02-28
#7
Name: Sumathi
Subject:  hi
Hi SL I missed the important point. If our marriage is registered in India, if we or our spouse want to get remarried, then it is better to get divorce both here as well as in india to avoid future legal complications. If there is mutual consent, getting divorce is easier here as well as in India.
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2008-02-28
#8
Name: Sumathi
Subject:  hi SL
If your marriage is resgistered in india, you had spent atleast one night in India after the marriage, that is when you can think of getting divorce in India. It takes longer in India than here. The best way is to talk it out and come to a mutually agreement.

Unfortunately many use divorce as a tool of threat or revenge. So one side is not ready for any talks which forces the other to seek legal help. You already have a GC. I know you can get lot of physical and emotional help in India. Still why don´ t you stay here further to get your citizenship and then go back to india. Being a single mom is not easy, but it is going to be for just few more months.

Many girls go to india because here many (not all) husbands file divorce to threaten the girls. The girls stand the chance of deportation if they don´ t have GC. In addition getting divorce in US is relatively faster, the girls will not get physical or emotional help from the society. They take advantage of such vulnerable situation of girls. If the girls go and file a petition in india their husbands can be brought to india from whichever part of the world they live. The husbands can be made to lose their jobs and GC also. A punishment can be given to abusive husabnds. Their parents can also be punished if proven guilty. Though it is possible legally, it will give so much of stress to us. It will take a long time, 5 to 7 years and above all even though we don´ t like our husbands abusive behavior, deep in our heart will feel bad when they get punished.

I am sorry for being elaborate on this point. These are all the informations i got. I was very angry for what my husband and in-laws have done to me and my baby. Still because of our brought up, we can´ t think of punishing somebody. That is God´ s job. We have the right to safeguard us but we don´ t have the right to punish anyone. We have a better job to do, to take care of us and our baby. We can be peaceful.

This is an advice from one of my well wishers and it is appealig to me. I just wanted to share whatever advice i received.
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2008-02-26
#9
Name: SL
Subject:  Need help - Same boat
Dear Sumathi and all,
I just read your story and feel a lot for u and ur kid as I see me and my kid go through the same now. I need your help. i know you must be stressed and overwhelmed urself but i will be glad if you can help me.
I am really confused and want to get out of the marraige. I live in US, California. In my case it will be a custody battle as my in-laws just want my 18 month old son. I am not interested in his money at all. I am working and just want my kid. They are in a better situation as my husband is a US citizen and I have GC. He will get his parents here on GC to look after the kid. I am really scared. I will be glad if you can help with what I need to do or whom to contact. i have no family here.
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2008-02-27
#10
Name: Tanu
Subject:  lawyer?
Dear SL,

Semi and Sumathi gave you good advices. I just want to add that you should consult another attorney before taking any decision. I don´ t agree with all that your attorney said. No court would prefer grandparents over parents for taking care of kids unless it is proved that both parents are unable (physically and/or mentally) to take care of kids. Your husband being a citizen shouldn´ t matter in custody battle, you are also a lawfully legal resident. And you being working (and sending child to daycare) won´ t matter either. Your child is already 2 years old and by the age of 2.5/3 years all kids start going to preschool anyways. I would advice you to consult another attorney and take second opinion on your case.
Good Luck,
Tanu
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2008-02-27
#11
Name: Sumathi
Subject:  hi SL
In my case my husband issued divorce notice, child custody with restraining order, all of a sudden. My baby was just 4 months old then. I didn´ t have GC. Mine was filed as his dependent. I was scared of deportation. Also his parents were here then. I didn´ t want to lose my baby. In the meantime they got judgement for legal separation and child custody. I went to India and filed a counter petition. Luckily i got GC. So came back and reopened the case.
A case which has got no complication will take atleast a year. They say generally in divorce case from the time of filing a petition it takes 2 years to get the order.
What your lawyer said is completely new. In my case I am working. My parents in law were still in US with my husband. Inspite of these i got primary custody without much struggle.
In my experience narika in berkeley gave me a consistent support. You may go to sakhi to find list of such organization. Try to find out their intention before going for legal. Legal is time consuming and expensive.
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2008-02-27
#12
Name: SL
Subject:  Thanks semi and Sumathi
Thanks to u both for your replies. We have not started the legal process yet. But personally this marraige is over for me. I was never beaten or physically abused so I have no proof but I have gone through tremondous mental stress. The lawyer i met told me that i cannot file for mental stress or abuse as all that is very difficult to prove. I live in Fremont CA. I met a lawyer just to know where I stand if we go legal and the lawyer said that if my husband proves that he and his family can look after the child, the court will give him the kid as i work and will keep the child in daycare. instead the court will prefer grandparents to look after the child. At any cost i don´ t want to lose my kid. I have decided to talk to my husband and move out of the house and rent an apartment and live with my kid. I really don´ t know how much he will agree to this. I find this a better option than going legal. As I have no family here I want to go slow on the legal process, so i am ready to wait to file the divorce. I have a GC. Sumathi one question, did u take ur kid to India without her dad´ s consent? why did they get the primary custody then? Also what is the approximate cost and timelines involved if I go legal? Semi please give me the contact of the organization in sunnyvale. also if anyone has any contact of a good lawyer please give me. My case will not be revolving around money but around child custody. I don´ t want his money or anything.
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2008-02-26
#13
Name: Sumathi
Subject:  hi SL
Semi has replied to your questions. Let me also share my view. As a mother you have more right to have the primary custody than your partner. Its a pity that your parents-in-law can come there. Still nobody can snatch your son away from you. There are only few conditions in which it can happen -a drug addict, mentally unstable parent cannot have primary custody. Even in those cases they should produce series of visits to doctors and treatment for the same purpose. So don´ t worry for what they threaten.

Don´ t panic. Stay calm and follow the court order.

Even i was worried as my parents-in-law and husband were black mailing me of snatching my child. In fact when i escaped to india with my baby they got default judgement for primary custody. Luckily i got my GC at the right time (by God´ s grace), returned back, made a petition to set aside the judgement and got by baby´ s primary custody. So legally you are safe.

I was worried that my parents-in-law will get GC as my sil is a citizen. It didn´ t happen. These people are lazy people. They can´ t take care of young kid. They will just threaten us.

Unless there is any evidence of abuse, like a photo, doctor certificate, a witness, none of the social service organization can help you. I have contacted some. They can give you suggestions.

In fact, there is a social organization in CA which turned me down after helping me for 4 months. They have never met me or my husband. We are in MO. I know my sil who is in CA has done something with them. Still there is another one near SF, the ones in MO and TX are also helping me by giving advices.

Finally you and your lawyer alone can fight for you with the legal system. Get a good lawyer. If the legal battle has already started, then appoint a lawyer as soon as possible and represent your interests.

If they have already filed a petition for custody, then you should appoint a lawyer in 30 days and reply to them. If you are staying together with them, the might even issue a restraining order in which case you may have to leave the house. Whatever be getting the lawyer at the earliest is the first step you should take. If you have done that, then no need to worry.

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2008-02-26
#14
Name: semi
Subject:  Hi SL
Sumathi has more experience about dealing with lawyer and other stuff but I can also give you some feedback and help. I have friend working in one of women help org. for Indians in sunnyvale. Where do u live in CA? I also have friend who just got out of a abusive marriage and got divorce. she has 2 yr. old son too.. Don´ t get scared. It is court who decide child custody. they cannot grab your child just like that by themself. I would say try to have some proof , comment written on a notepad about his abusive behavior or any other harrasment he used to do with you because court and police may ask for that. It will also help you to win your case. Don´ t worry . U are in usa where they cannot turn the case towards in their favour by bribing anyone or etc.. Here all decision are made by court and juery after serious research. His being citizen does not mean that his rights are more than you. If you are in abusive marriage and tried all your best to change it but no imporvement than you must see help. If you are working than you may contact you HR to find out about help provided by most of the companies in this kind of personal matter. Most of companies has this kind of counceling and help given to their employee in their company. So talk to your HR. Let me know if I can be any help to you.
take care. semi
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2008-02-25
#15
Name: Tanu
Subject:  sailing in similar boats...
Dear Sumathi,

I have been following your posts on this board since last year and am very sorry for all that you have been through. I do admire the courage you have shown all along.
I have posted my situation here on this board some time in May last year. In my case I have filed for divorce from my physically, verbally and emotionally abusive husband. I have a 2 year old kid too and am also few months away from the finalization of the case. I think we are sailing in similar boats, although our state of mind might be a bit different because of all that we went through before reaching where we are in life today.
I have heard that most of the non-custodial parents (fathers mostly) in US get away with child support because like you said, the court can only pass the judgment and can’t force them to pay. Although not paying child support will hurt your husband bad if he is ever interested in child custody. In your case that doesn’t look like the case though.
We have a lot in common and we can learn from each other’s experiences. If you feel the same then do let me know and we can interact via personal emails. If you have a temp email id that you can share online, do let me know or else I will create one and then post here if you are interested.
Let me know.
All the best to you and love to your baby.
Tanu
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2008-02-26
#16
Name: Sumathi
Subject:  hi
Hi Tanu, Sorry to hear about your problem too. Earlier i used to go through other´ s posts and sometimes i used to post a reply. Since last year i am too much immersed in my problem that i never look at other´ s, my mistake! My temp id is frndv with yahoo. Thanks for your reply.
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2008-02-25
#17
Name: Sumathi
Subject:  thanks to you
Dear Chandra, Semi and dddd
Thank you for your consoling posts. Chandra i am so sorry that you have to go through this when you are pregnant. We need support from family and friends to take a decision. Whatever decision we take that is surely going to hurt us in a way. To me religion and saints help us to withstand this tension and give us peace of mind. I prayed a lot when i was pregnant and I have become more spiritual now than before. Whatever happens in my life i am able to accept it as fate and think it may be for good, which i will realize later. I pray to God to stay with you and to save you and your baby.

Hi dddd i am feeling very sorry to hear this from you. When there is financial problems things will get some more complicated. Whatever decision you take you make sure that you are completely convinced of it.

Thanks for all your support. Some more months to come for the final hearing. Now only essential matters are taken care of by the court, like child custody and support. I need to enquire what else i can do legally. Mediation can help to resolve matters only if the other party accepts the invitation. This unlce said he will try to convince my husband for child support and visitation, through phone and mail. I shall wait and see.
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2008-02-24
#18
Name: Chandra
Subject:  hi
ur story seems similar to mine....in a way. my inlaws are pretty rough people. im pregnant, 6.5 mths pregnant, and have gone thru a lot with them and my husband already. he doesnt have any attachment whatsoever to his unborn child. but i cant complain about it, if thats the way he is, then cant change him.

im proud of you, and ur parents! its really hard for our parents to even consider having their daughter being divorced, cudos to them for sticking up for you and supporting you!

you have a good support group. and like everyone says, get that so-called ' man' to pay child support. there are a lot of woman support grps you can find that will help you out so you dont end up paying the lawyer an arm and a leg.

dont let this guy get away with anything. if he is ordered by the court to pay, he will HAVE to.
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2008-02-23
#19
Name: dddd
Subject:  Dont let it go.
Hi Sumathi, I am so sorry.Hope you are doing well. I didnt have to move. My husband' s project was ended in a week of starting.Iam really stressed with this.
Only one thing comes out of your post. Do not let your in laws and husband get away with this. Please move court to get your husband to pay child support. Your in laws and husband are getting away with all this becoz you have been easy on them.They might be surprised as you took action against their wrongdoing.

Coming to passport please take it. How is it thatb your husband has it.Please take some legal action that your husband gives back jewellery and anything of yours he has.
How are you and the baby doing?Be strong. Latest on my part is my husband is again without a job and I am tensed all the time.I am tired of looking at price for everything and buying cheapest things. Now i have convinced my parents that I wud like to divorce him and they are open to it. They also seem to have grown tired of waiting for husband to realize his responsibility.Thank God to that.
Please post back and take care.
regards
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2008-02-23
#20
Name: semi
Subject:  Dear Sumathi
Hi Sumathi. My heart goes out for you. Please don' t cry or feel said for a person who is not worth of anything. What kind of father and husband he is ?
He can marry a girl jut to ruin her life and father a baby to make her orphan? It is not worth having any hope for that kind of abusive person. One day god will teach him a lesson. I agree with Ritika on child support aspect. Please contact a lawyer or women support org. who can help to get some child support from your husband and her passport. If this marriage mean to end than don' t let him get away with his all bad acts. I fell really said for you since I had been in abusive and bad marriage too. The most important thing you need to foucs on is \" your job and career\" . You can lead a independent life with your baby if you have a job. You have entire beautiful life left infront of you. Who knows god has better plan for you. Please don' t loose hope. Bad timing will go past one day. Keep posted whenever u feel like talking to us.
Take care of yourself and baby
semi
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